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Excerpts from the Staggering Stories Blog:


Staggering Stories Podcast #258: That Osgood and Kate Sound
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Mar 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn discuss possibilities for the next Doctor on Doctor Who, review the first three Big Finish UNIT New Series boxsets, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 01:42 – News: 02:04 — […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #257: Holistic Double Banking
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 26 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss BBC America/Netflix’s ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ and Douglas Adams’ time on Doctor Who, play some games, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 02:14 – No news […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #256: The Double Whammy
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss Peter Capaldi’s departure from Doctor Who and the legend that was John Hurt, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:25 — Welcome! 02:09 – News: 02:20 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #255: The Six Idiots
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review the Big Finish Doctor Who boxset ‘Classic Doctors, New Monsters: Vol. 1’ and Sherlock Series 4, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:35 — Welcome! 02:49 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #254: Bad Awakenings
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and the Keith Dunn review the 1966 Doctor Who story ‘The Power of the Daleks’ and the 2016 film ‘Passengers’, say what we’ve been up to recently, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:14 — Welcome! 02:18 – […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #189: Doctor Who – The Return of Doctor Mysterio
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 08 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, supered, in front of the 2016 Doctor Who Christmas special, ‘The Return of Doctor Mysterio’, and spout our usual nonsense! This Doctor is desperate to get Amy back, the Ghost has a baby to monitor and Lucy is channelling Lois Lane. But enough of […]

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Rogue Warriors

Rogue Warriors:
Season One, Episode Six

By Andy Dunn


Simon was walking home alone from the local cinema. He was chuckling a little bit.

“Aw man! That was such a funny film,” he thought.

“Simon, Where are you?” asked Charles through the communicator.

“I’m on my way home from the cinema, Charles,” said Simon through his communicator.

“The cinema?” asked Charles.

“Yeah. You’ve got to see this film, it’s hilarious!” said Simon.

Simon began to walk through the ally.

“There’s this one bit where Robert De Nero is dancing in women’s clothes and…” he said as he was cut off.

“Hello? Charles?” said Simon as he tried to re-establish a link.

He failed to do so and decided to continue down the ally. It was cold and windy and Simon was all alone. He began to look round himself to check for muggers. Simon believed that the coast was clear and walked on. Suddenly Zeus jumped out of nowhere and swabbed Simon with chloroform. Simon then fell unconscious. Zeus then dragged him to his car and pulled out another Simon that looked identical to the normal one. He placed the fake Simon on the floor, put on a pair of gloves and stabbed him multiple times in the chest. Zeus then produced an evil grin.

“There” he said “That’s phase one of my plan complete”.

Zeus placed the knife and a written note in the fake Simon’s hand, got in his car and drove off.

*

Back at Simon’s house, Ben and George were watching telly with Dave, Vicky and Helen. Chucky and Alison entered the house with bags of shopping. Charles and the others helped them put the shopping away.

“Say, do you guys know where Simon is?” asked Chucky.

“He said he was on his way home from the cinema, but I lost transmission as I was talking to him,” said Charles.

“It is awfully windy out there,” said Alison “maybe it was interfering with your communicators”.

“Yeah, you’re probably right, Alison” said Charles.

“Don’t worry about him, Charles. Simon’s a tough lad. He can take care of himself,” said Dave.

“Yeah I know” said Charles “but I haven’t heard of him for about an hour”.

“An hour?” asked Ben.

“But, isn’t the cinema only 25 minutes away from here?” asked Helen.

Charles then stopped to think.

“Simon might be in trouble, I’m gonna find him” said Charles as he walked out the door.

The others continued to put the shopping away. Helen turned to Vicky.

“Do you think Simon will be ok, Vicky?” she asked.

“I’m sure he’s fine, Helen” said Vicky reassuringly “He’s just probably down the pub or something”.

“I just hope he doesn’t come home wasted again!” said George.

*

Charles searched for Simon as he went through all possible routes to the cinema. He searched through streets, gutters and the sewage line. He was about to give up and head back to the house, until he heard a scream in the ally. Charles went to check it out. On his way, he bumped into the screaming lady.

“What’s wrong, Ma’am” he asked.

“Th- there’s a dead body round the corner,” said the lady.

She then continued to run off down the street. Charles continued down the ally and to his horror, found Simon’s dead body.

“S-Simon?” he said fearfully.

Charles shook Simon to see if he would respond, but to no avail.

He saw a note in Simon’s hand and read it.

It said, “To Charles and my friends, I am sick of this world, so I’m going to kill myself because I have no life, no job and no future. As long as I’m alive, I’ll always stand in your way. I’m so sorry”.

Charles then shed a tear, looked up into the sky and shouted “NOOOOOO!”.

*

Charles, still a little tearful, returned to the house with two policemen. The others looked concerned.

“What’s wrong, Charles” asked Vicky as she gave him a hug.

“Is he in trouble?” asked Chucky.

“No, son” said one of the policemen “but I’m afraid we have bad news”.

“What is it?” asked Dave.

“Earlier today at 8:30pm, Charles found your friend, Simon, dead with multiple stabs wounds in his chest”.

The others then gasped shockingly.

“Simon’s d-dead” asked Helen as she began to cry.

“Who would do such a thing?” asked Vicky, as she got very tearful.

“We believe that he committed suicide,” said a policeman.

“He killed himself?” sobbed Alison.

“We believe so,” said the policemen.

“But that can’t be” said George as he refused to accept the opinion “Simon doesn’t have it in him to take a life, let alone his own”.

“Listen!” said one of the policemen “We found a note explaining why he would kill himself, in one hand and found a knife in the other”.

“Are you sure it wasn’t placed there?” asked Dave.

“We already checked for fingerprint marks,” said a policeman “the results confirm that it was Simon”.

The girls then fell into tears. Ben, George and Dave look saddened whilst Chucky and Charles were a little bit tearful.

“We’re so sorry for your loss,” said one of the policeman “We’ll prepare funeral arrangements”.

*

The real Simon woke up from his slumber. He was still a little dozy from the chloroform.

“Oh, my head!” he moaned, “Where am I?”.

“You are in your new home for the rest of your life,” said Zeus just as he entered the room.

“YOU!” yelled Simon.

He charged towards Zeus but was stopped by an invisible force field. The force bounced him back and he hit the padded wall.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Simon” explained Zeus “that’s a 50 gigawatt force field. I wouldn’t want to see my guest get hurt”.

Simon slowly got up.

“What do you want with me, Zeus?” he asked.

“I want you to do me the honour of being my test subject in my new cloning facility” said Zeus.

“Cloning facility?” asked Simon.

“Yes” said Zeus “for I’ll clone you and create a grand army, enough to conquer two continents on this pitiful little planet”.

Simon gasped.

“Unless” Zeus continued “You give me information on who controls this country”.

“I’ll never tell you who she is,” said Simon.

“She?” said Zeus.

“Whoops!” said Simon as he covered his mouth.

“So, the leader of you people is a woman,” said Zeus.

“Fine” said Simon “but you’ll never know who it is”.

“My clones will find her,” explained Zeus “because they’ll all contain your memories. But don’t worry, because it’ll take me a few days completely finish the upgrades I am installing in them”.

“Once Charles and the others find out that I’m missing, then you’ll be sorry,” said Simon.

“Oh, I don’t think they’ll be coming here,” said Zeus with an evil grin.

“Why not?” asked Simon angrily.

“Watch this and you’ll find out” said Zeus.

He switched on the telly to the news.

“Breaking news,” it said, “at 8:30pm last night, Simon Dwellings was found dead with a total of nine stab wounds in his chest”.

Simon then looked shocked.

“Evidence shows that young Simon committed suicide at an ally close to a cinema,” said the news.

Simon then turned to Zeus.

“How did you get the public to believe that nonsense?” asked Simon.

“I had already created a clone of you,” explained Zeus “I used the fingerprint marks you left when you was rummaging through the files of my last plan. It was only a proto-type”.

“How many other proto-types do you have, Professor?” asked Simon.

“Only two others” said Zeus “but I’ll dispose of them as soon as my cloning facility is fully operational”.

Zeus then looked at his watch.

“Ah! I believe that now’s the time for your funeral to take place,” he said.

“My funeral?” said Simon.

Zeus changed the channel to one of his camera bots. The monitor showed that the Rogue Warriors, Ben, George, Alison, Professor Summers and the Prime Minister were paying their respects at Simon’s funeral.

“Well, well?” said Zeus “It seems like you’re getting a fancy funeral there, Simon”.

“Everyone’s there, even the Prime Minister,” said Simon in disbelief.

“Let’s go in for a closer look,” said Zeus.

“Don’t be stupid, Professor” said Simon “they’ll all see the camera bot as it gets closer”.

“Not likely” explained Zeus “because it is equipped with a cloaking device”.

As the camera bot got closer to the funeral, it managed to pick up the sound waves that came from them.

“We are all gathered here today, to morn the tragic loss of young Simon Dwellings,” said the Archbishop of London from the monitor screen.

“Wow, the Archbishop of London” said Simon with an amazed look in his eyes.

“It looks like your lucky today, Simon. You’re gonna be the host of my clones and you get a fancy funeral run by the Archbishop” said Zeus.

They both continued to watch the funeral. After 40 minutes, the camera bot moves on to the wake.

“Lets see how your friends cope now,” said Zeus.

The camera bot moved closer to a conversation between Charles, Dave, Chucky and the Prime Minister.

“Do you know what could’ve caused Simon to kill himself?” asked the Prime Minister.

“No idea” said Chucky “he seemed ok when I last spoke to him”.

“Well, he must’ve been having some secret, emotional problems,” said the Prime Minister.

“But he always tells us his problems” said Dave “why would he keep any secret?”.

“Maybe it was too personal,” said Charles.

“Maybe” said the Prime Minister “Well listen. I’ve already have his parents approval, but if you all don’t mind, I want the doctors to perform an autopsy on Simon”.

“WHAT?! WHY?!” yells Dave.

“Because he has a Donorcard in his wallet and I want to see if any of his organs are damaged” said the Prime Minister.

“Oh. Yeah sure, go ahead,” said Charles.

Zeus then turned the monitor off.

“So, it looks like that someone in the hospital is going to acquire the clone organs for the rest of their lives,” said Zeus as he laughed.

“But wouldn’t that kill them?” asked Simon.

“No, no, of coarse not” said Zeus “at least not right away. HAHAHAHA!.

“You heartless bastard!” shouted Simon.

“Anyway, you better get some rest” explained Zeus “because in two days, the cloning facility will be fully operative”.

Zeus placed a radio clock on a stool in front of Simon’s force field cell.

“Sweet dreams” he said as he left the room.

Simon then sat down on the bed as he thought on what to do. He then remembered that he still had the communicator on his shirt, but was disappointed to find that it still had no power.

*

Back at the wake, Helen was still crying. Vicky tried to calm her down.

“Helen, please calm down? We are all saddened by Simon’s death,” said Vicky a little bit tearful.

“But he killed himself” sobbed Helen “Why did he do that?”.

“His note said that he felt that he was in our way,” said Chucky as he approached the girls.

“But that is ridiculous” said Vicky “He was always helping us. He never was in the way”.

“I know, Vicky,” says Chucky a bit tearful “I’ll never understand why he killed himself. He was a good friend”.

Professor Summers then approached Chucky.

“Sorry to interrupt, Chucky” he said “but I need your help”.

“What’s wrong, Professor?” asked Chucky as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

“The Prime Minister has requested an autopsy to be performed on Simon,” said the professor.

“An autopsy? What for?” asked Chucky.

“Simon held a Donorcard, Chucky. What do you think for?” said the professor.

“Oh, I see,” said Chucky “When do we start?”.

“Tomorrow” explained Professor Summers “I don’t want to perform an autopsy on the same day when we’re at a funeral”.

*

The next day, at Simon’s force field cell, Zeus entered the room with breakfast for Simon.

“Good morning, Simon” he said, “I brought you some breakfast. I need you to be in top condition tomorrow when I clone you”.

Zeus lowered the force field and gave Simon the breakfast. Simon looked confused.

“Why are you keeping me alive?” he asked as Zeus raised the force field back up “Wouldn’t you just need a skin cell to clone me?”.

“I need you alive because these clones will not be ordinary ones” explained Zeus “They’ll be linked to your brain, you see”.

Simon then gasped.

“So if I die” he concluded “They’ll all die. They need me to live. Without me, they are lifeless”.

“That’s right,” said Zeus.

“But would I die if any of them do?” asked Simon.

“No” explained Zeus “but you’ll feel a slight pain in your head if a few of them do”.

“But if they’re linked to my brain” said Simon “Won’t they all just act like me?”.

“A bit, yes” said Zeus “but I’ll increase their rage and hatred for everyone in the world except me”.

Simon then glared at Zeus.

“Now eat up” ordered Zeus.

Zeus was about to leave the room.

“Wait!” called Simon.

“What is it now?” asked Zeus.

“Can I have the radio in my cell please?” asked Simon.

Zeus frowned at Simon.

“I want to change the radio station,” said Simon.

Zeus then sighed and said “Very well”.

Zeus lowered the force field and gave Simon the radio.

“You better keep the noise down in here though,” snapped Zeus as he raised the force field.

“No problem” said Simon.

Zeus then left the room. Simon waited for a few seconds and then whacked the radio against the bed. The front frame of the radio was then knocked off. Simon took out a couple of wires and attached them to his communicator. He then attempted to establish a link to Professor Summers’ workshop.

*

At the workshop, Professor Summers and Chucky were performing the autopsy on the fake Simon.

“Well it looks like that the lungs are out of the question,” concluded the professor “as they have all the stab wounds and are filled up with blood”.

“At least the stomach and the kidneys are ok,” said Chucky.

“Yes, but something’s puzzling me” said the professor.

“What is it, professor?” asked Chucky.

“Most of these stab marks are straight and neat,” pondered professor Summers “how could Simon stab himself like that in that accuracy?”.

“Maybe he was holding the knife in two hands?” suggested Chucky.

“It’s possible. But I’m not sure” said the professor.

“Shall we check the brain’s still healthy?” asked Chucky.

“Yeah, go ahead,” said the professor.

Chucky then gently cut open Simon’s head and removed the top skull. He then took the brain out of Simon’s head. Professor Summers and Chucky then looked shocked.

“This should not be” said Chucky.

“It’s impossible,” said the professor.

The brain appeared completely grey all over. Professor Summers then scanned the brain thoroughly.

“This brain does not appear to have any cells in it whatsoever,” he concluded.

“Oh my god!” said Chucky shockingly.

“I know,” said the professor “It’s as if Simon was never born”.

“But then that means, Simon could still be alive” said Chucky.

Professor Summers’ computer then picked up a transmission. Chucky saw this and quickly tried to establish a link. He was successful and Simon appeared on the monitor screen.

“Simon! You’re alive?” said Chucky.

“It’s great to see you and the professor again Chucky,” said Simon through the monitor “but listen carefully because I haven’t got much time”.

“What is it?” asked the professor.

“Zeus has captured me, faked my death and is creating a clone army of me to take over the world,” explained Simon.

“A clone army?” asked Chucky.

“Then the autopsy we performed was one of your clones,” said Professor Summers.

“Yes,” said Simon “He said that the facility would be up and running tomorrow”.

“Then we better rescue you,” said Chucky.

“Get the others, grab the explosives and place them all over Zeus’s lab as soon as possible” ordered Simon “Because these clones won’t be ordinary ones”.

“What do you mean?” asked the professor.

“Once they’re alive and walking around” explained Simon “The only way to kill them is by killing me”.

“WHAT!” yelled Chucky.

“These clones will be linked to my brain. They need me to live. Without me, they’ll die off,” explained Simon.

“Hang on tight, Simon” said Chucky “I’ll get the others and the explosives and we’ll come and rescue you”.

“Hurry up please?” said Simon as he lost transmission.

“Good luck, Chucky” said Professor Summers.

“Thanks, professor” said Chucky as he grabs a few explosives and heads for Simon’s house in the jet fighter.

*

Chucky arrived at Simon’s house. The others were watching telly.

“Guys, I’ve got good news and bad news,” said Chucky as he caught his breath.

“What is it, Chucky?” asked Charles.

“The good news is that I’ve found out that Simon’s alive,” said Chucky.

Everyone’s eyes then lit up.

“He’s alive?” asked Vicky.

“Yes, Vicky” said Chucky.

“How do you know that?” asked George.

“Well, that’s the bad news, George,” said Chucky.

“What do you mean?” asked Helen.

“He sent a transmission from Zeus’s lab” explained Chucky.

“Zeus. We should’ve known that,” said Dave.

“What is he up to now?” asked Alison.

“He’s using Simon to create a clone army to take over the world” said Chucky.

The others then look shocked. Chucky went on to explain why Zeus needed Simon alive.

“So that dead body was a clone of Simon?” asked Ben.

“Yes” said Chucky.

“We better get going and rescue him” said Charles.

The Rogue Warriors then grabbed more explosives from the basement and headed for Zeus’s lab.

*

They arrived outside Zeus’s lab. Before they entered, they all huddled up to discuss a plan.

“Ok, lets just break in, free Simon, plant the explosives and get out,” suggested Dave.

“Good idea, Dave” said Charles.

“Really?” asked Dave shockingly.

“Yeah” said Charles “but we can’t rush it though. Zeus might see us”.

“So how are we gonna do this?” asked Vicky.

“You, Dave and Helen go and plant the explosives around the lab” ordered Charles “Me and Chucky will go and find and rescue Simon”.

“Alright then, lets go,” said Chucky.

Dave, Vicky and Helen went inside and started to plant explosives around the cloning banks.

“My god!” said Dave “Zeus’s ideas for world domination sure are crazy”.

“Yeah, but we always turn out on top in the end. This one won’t be any different,” said Helen.

“That’s right, Helen” said Vicky.

Chucky and Charles searched the entire lab for Simon. They suddenly managed to find him.

“You are alive!” said Charles in disbelief.

“I’m so glad to see you guys again,” said Simon “can you get me out of here?”.

“Why don’t you just walk forwards?” asked Charles.

“I’m trapped behind the force field. The console for it is on that computer,” said Simon.

Chucky examined the console and managed to shut the force field down.

“Thanks guys” said Simon.

“Charles, Chucky” called Vicky on the communicator “We’ve planted all the explosives here. We’re ready to head out. Have you found Simon yet?”.

“We’ve got him, Vicky,” said Charles on the communicator “We’ll meet you guys outside the main entrance”.

“We better go. Zeus might come back any minute,” said Simon.

“Wait,” said Charles “is that one of your clones?”.

“Yeah, but Zeus said that one’s a proto-type” said Simon.

Charles then grinned.

“Chucky, have you some paper?” he asked.

“Yeah, here you go,” said Chucky as he handed Charles some paper.

“What are you doing, Charles?” asked Simon.

“Just sending a message” said Charles as he wrote on the note.

Charles then picked up the fake Simon and placed him in the cell. He then put the note in the fake Simon’s hand. As he left the cell, Charles then put the force field back up. They all then left the room in a hurry. One minute later, Zeus arrived in the room.

“Well Simon, it’s time for your big day” he said.

He lowered the force field.

“Come on, wake up” said Zeus.

He then got angry when he saw that Simon didn't respond.

“Don’t ignore me boy!” shouted Zeus.

He then picked him up and shook him.

“WAKE UP!!!” he yelled.

He then saw a note that fell from Simon’s hand. He picked it up. He was suddenly shocked as he read it. The note said, “You lose again, Professor. signed Rogue Warriors”.

Zeus then took a closer look at Simon and realised that it was the Proto-type.

He then got angry and was about to rip up the note, until he saw more writing on it. It said, “Besides a firework, what else explodes around here?”.

Zeus then thought for a while. He then realised what was about to happen and charged towards a window and broke through.

Simon and the Rogue Warriors made it outside and detonated the explosives shortly afterwards.

After the ash from the area cleared, they picked themselves up and headed for a clearing. After they caught their breaths, Vicky, Helen and Chucky all headed over to hug Simon.

“Whoa! Hi guys. I’m glad to see all of you,” said Simon as he was knocked to the ground.

“We all thought you was dead,” said Helen.

“We missed you,” said Vicky.

“I missed you guys to,” said Simon as he got up.

Dave and Charles came over to him.

“It’s great to have you back buddy,” said Dave as he shook Simon’s hand.

“Cheers, Dave” said Simon happily.

“You know we cannot be a team without you,” said Charles.

“Thanks, Charles” said Simon.

They all started to head back to the house.

“By the way” said Simon “That was some funeral you put up for me their guys”.

“How did you see it?” asked Vicky.

“Through Zeus, Camera bots” said Simon.

“So, you saw everything?” asked Dave.

“Pretty much, yeah” said Simon.

“So, you didn’t happen to see me did you?” asked Dave nervously.

“Oh, you mean the part where hid to secretly cried your eyes out over me? Yeah I saw that” said Simon.

The others then laughed, as Dave looked embarrassed.

*

A few minutes later, Zeus emerged from the rubble. He wiped the dust from his face and saw what’s left of his lab.

“I HATE THOSE BLOODY ROGUE WARRIORS!!” he yelled, “I’M GOING TO KILL THEM, IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!!”.

***

Season One, Episode Seven.