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Staggering Stories Podcast #342: Hinchcliffe Has Been Assigned
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 31 May 2020 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review the Doctor Who Season 14 Blu-ray boxset, discuss Sapphire and Steel, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:03 — Welcome! 02:05 – News: 02:11 — Doctor Who: Double Dip of […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #341: Disco Countermeasures
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 17 May 2020 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Big Finish’s Counter-Measures: Series 3 and The Mandalorian: Season 1, discuss what make Star Wars Star Wars, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:54 — Welcome! 02:05 – […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #340: The Fun Makers
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 03 May 2020 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: The Sun Makers and Red Dwarf: The Promised Land, have a 30 second recommendation, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:19 — Welcome! 02:37 – News: […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #339: Environs of Isolation
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 19 Apr 2020 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: The Robots of Death and Jodie Whittaker’s 2011 film Attack the Block, have a 30 second recommendation, play a game, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #338: The Chronic Hysteresis Edition
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 05 Apr 2020 08:00

Summary: Apologies for the poor audio quality in this first lockdown episode. Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review the animated release of Doctor Who: The Faceless ones and discuss the first season of Star Trek: Picard, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #234: Doctor Who – Praxeus
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Mar 2020 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Keith Dunn and Steven Clare sit down, plasticed, in front of 2020 Doctor Who episode ‘Praxeus’, and spout our usual nonsense! Yaz is teleporting before thinking, Ryan gets a pat down, Sam Bishop is undercover as Jake and the Doctor has split up. But enough of their problems, please […]

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News of the Universes Alf Roland

By Alf Roland
Chief Pan-Universal Correspondent

Flip Top Head Cheerleader Murder! Cheerleader brains

Another victim of the 'Flip Top Head Serial Killer' was found yesterday, at the Union Wells High School in Odessa, Texas. Early reports name the victim as Jackie Wilcox, 18, who was attending the annual prom when the highly illogical killer struck.

BRAINS!
Previous attacks saw the victims head's sawn open and their brains removed. One leading theory suggests the killer may either be a zombie or the, previously thought dead almost two centuries ago, scientist Victor Frankenstein. Top pop shrink, Gag Halfrunt, had this to say: "Vell, ze brain is like, you know, a big jelly. Perhaps ze killer vasn't allowed jelly at hiz birthday party. Just taking out childhood fruztrations on zoociety, you know? Tasty jelly!"

BACK TEETH
Saner commentators refuse to speculate on whether the killer is eating the brains or merely attempting to remote control the brainless bodies for comedic value. One thing that is generally agreed upon now is that no toothbrush companies are involved. The original speculation that these victims were the result of a live action 'flip top head' advert gone wrong has been disputed by police and toothbrush companies alike. While the killer is still at large the companies have agreed not to show any more adverts of strange cartoon men cleaning their back teeth. Yesterday it was also announced that adverts for Brain's Faggots will be off the air for the time being and it was stressed that although faggots are made of offal, no human brains are involved.

WRIST WATCH
The police have given the 'Flip Top Head' serial killer a secret codename that we, at The News of the Universes, can exclusively reveal to be 'Swatch'. At this time we cannot say if the reason for this odd codename is because the killer is an 80s fashion victim or is attempting some strange and gruesome promotion of Internet Time. Some reports even suggest that the killer has been attempting to sew a zip into the victim's heads. Rumours that the killer is trying to use his victims as skin suits has been strenuously denied by the spokesperson for the ultra secret organisation UNIT: "All this talk of skin suits is ridiculous! Who on earth would come up with such a silly idea?!"

FREAKS
Yesterday's victim, Wilcox, recently hit the local headlines after she rescued a man from a burning train wreck. Is she another one of these new freaks we have previously reported on? Our informants tell us that there are now dozens, perhaps hundreds, of confirmed 'super powered' people out there. If so, what was Wilcox's power? Some speculate that she may have had the ability to suck in fire and spit it out like a dragon. Others think she may have possessed to power to control fire itself, making it dance out of her way. Whatever the truth we can surely add her to the freak hall of fame, along with a creepy little man who can turn beavers into gold, the woman who can command snakes and other reptiles, the doctor that can imbue human-like intelligence into orangutans and the the old man that can control dentures from great distances.

SHOP 'EM
If you suspect anyone you know of harbouring secret powers then get in touch with the News of the Universes today! Cash prizes are available, based on the level of their power. If we can prove they can, for example, make their finger nails grow on demand you may win £500! The prizes go all the way up to a cool £1million if you shop someone with ultimate powers such as being able to fly up to the International Space Station and moon the astronauts! Don't delay - call us today!