By Alf Roland
Chief Pan-Universal Correspondent
Embattled Prime Minister, Harriet Jones, yesterday admitted that potentially millions of Britons may have long term health problems after breathing in ash from the destroyed Sycoraxian spacecraft.
With only days before MPs are finally allowed to vote on Jones' fate, in the much delayed confidence vote, this is sure to weaken her chances further. An unnamed advisor to the PM told the New of the Universes: "She thought she could ride the storm, delay the vote with emergency powers but her time is almost up. The more she delays it the worse her position seems to get."
CHOKING IT DOWN
Chief Medical Officer, Sir John Smith, is reported to be concerned not only about the obvious lung damage associated with micro-particles of ash but also the possible effects of surviving alien DNA. Our very own Medical Correspondent, Dr. Harold Quacker, sums up the situation: "The entire South East of England was coated with a fine layer of alien remains. It may have been fun to make Sycorax 'snow' men, urinating on them and then running them over with your car at the time but those few hours of innocent fun may have all manner of side effects. Everyone in that part of the country breathed it in. There could be living alien bacteria or viruses in there too! We could have mutations - hybrid human-Sycorax monsters that could try to take over the world!"
Farmers also have their concerns. With the army cleanup still concentrating on clearing the cities and major towns of the dust, those in the less populated areas are becoming increasingly concerned. Dairy farmer, Old MacDonald, tells it how it is: "My fields are still covered with the dreadful stuff. I've tried to clear what I can but it just keeps blowing about. The grass isn't getting enough sunlight, it's all dying. I can't help but think that sycorick filth is deliberately trying to kill my grass! I think the government knows more than they're saying. Wouldn't be surprised if this dust somehow makes more of those Martian scum grow up out of my fertile soil! I've seen those films, don't think I haven't, Harriet Jones!"
Further questions are still being asked about how we can protect ourselves against the apparent mass mind control that gripped the entire world. The government has been tight lipped over the affair, although several other governments around the world have confirmed that only people with A+ blood were affected. Scientists everywhere are still trying to understand and counter this apparent confirmation of psychic powers, hysteria from which is adding to the global fear of alien invasion. Stage hypnotists have been forced into hiding as frightened members of the public chased Paul McKenna from his home with sharpened pitch forks.
Officials at the Royal Palace have been quick to deny that the Royal Family were affected by the alien control: "I can confirm that none of the Royal Family were at any time under the control of these aliens and reports of the Queen standing on top of Balmoral in nothing but a pair of frilly knickers are absolutely false. The photos of both her and Prince Philip, in that maid's outfit, are fake. They were both up there just to show support to their less fortunate staff. In a time of international emergency people should really have something better to talk about."
NEEDING A DOCTOR
Prime Minister Jones' extraordinary television broadcast continues to generate worldwide interest and investigation: "Doctor, if you're out there, we need you. I don't know what to do! If you can hear me Doctor, if anyone knows the Doctor, if anyone can find him, the situation has never been so desperate. Please Doctor, help us." Yesterday the News of the Universes exclusively revealed that this 'Doctor' is indeed an alien who has been visiting this world for centuries. Our investigations have confirmed that he is known to change his appearance to and from various guises and is always associated with what intelligence insiders call 'Police Box Incidents'. Other reliable reports tell of how this Doctor likes to take young women as his wives, often with them never being seen again. This man is also associated with death, every time he has shown up people apparently die. If you see this Doctor do not approach but instead call our 'I Found the Doctor' number and earn our £1 million reward for your information!
DOWN AT THE DOCS
Below are pictures culled from our extensive news archives, CCTV images and various intelligence agencies' files that fell into our laps, of men believed to be the Doctor. Don't forget - if you have any more pictures or information on the Doctor you too can win big prizes and then hire the best medical care if you develop Sycorax Lung!