Mr. Dalek Robs a Bank
by Benjamin F. Elliott
(A very familiar staccato sound starts up)
"Hello, my name is Mr Dalek. I got hit by a car and woke up in 1973. I got killed in Egypt and woke up in the body of a Scooby Doo. I got chased by a mad Scottish actor and nearly tortured to death. I extorted the UN Security Council and wound up missing the premiere of a Doctor Who episode. I ..."
(Voice from offstage) "Get On With It! We can't keep the staccato section up forever. We need to enter the main theme."
"Anyway, Am I Mad, In A Coma, Or just having a crazy time bringing evil, sorrow, and comedy. This is Life On Crawley."
- by Benjamin F. Elliott
It was 11AM. Brain was alive. Hooray!
This did not make sense. Mr Dalek had been particularly agitated lately, and had taken to exterminating all of Adam's toys every morning to try to calm himself down. The future was coming fast, and Mr Dalek was not ready. Fortunately, the horrific events of 2011 that would change the Earth forever hadn't happened yet. This was still 2010.
Brain decided that he needed to find out what Mr Dalek was up too. If Brain was still alive a bit after 2PM, his clingy girlfriend Velma would insist they watch Murder, She Wrote together. Brain hated mysteries that he could solve in the first 15 minutes - he'd throw himself in front of Mr Dalek's plunger if needed to escape that date. Pinky had been following Brain around for an hour, and invited himself along on Brain's mission.
Brain and Pinky found Mr Dalek at Adam's computer, seemingly surfing the internet.
Brain: "Mr Dalek, we haven't seen you today."
Mr Dalek: "Velma stopped by earlier and asked me to move the daily extermination to 4PM on weekdays to avoid conflicting with Murder, She Wrote. I agreed, and she said 'jinkies'."
Brain: "Oh dear."
Pinky: "Just a moment - you're on a bank website."
Mr Dalek: "Yes, I am."
Pinky: "You don't have a bank account."
Mr Dalek: "Your analysis is correct."
Pinky: "Indeed, you appear to have hacked into the corporate headquarters of Bank Of America using the fabled hi-met-usenet-site technique. You are impersonating the bank's president, the head of security, the local branches, the mortgage services, the FDIC regulators, and all of the customers."
Mr Dalek: "And why would I be doing that?"
Pinky: "Well, based on Copernicus' Theory Of Shoplifting, the reason you would hack into every single account in a bank and the accounts of all the security that would protect the bank would be to appropriate all the assets of the bank, leaving them completely destitute."
Mr Dalek: "And Bank Of America's balance is now - 0."
Pinky: "Ooh, a butterfly." (Pinky runs off to chase the butterfly and discuss string theory with it.)
Brain: "Sorry about that. Pinky's IQ is actually identical to mine, but he suffers from a tragically short attention span."
Mr Dalek: "I'd say Pinky's IQ was higher than yours. Did you solve any of that stuff ahead of Pinky?"
Brain: "Never mind that. You just perpetrated Bank Fraud! How is that Dalek behaviour?"
Mr Dalek: "Recently a few of my plans have had human interference and some bits of goodness and kindness have happened. I still do not understand how my efforts to exterminate the members of Parliament during a Prime Minister's Question time ended up in 1000 children getting free lemonade outside the Parliament building. I am a Dalek. I don't do goodness. So I am adapting strategy to eliminate human involvement. Hence - computer hacking."
Brain: "Moving some numbers around does not seem to be the most evil plan around."
Mr Dalek: "I will resist your efforts to get exterminated before Murder, She Wrote. That's right, I KNOW about your fear of that wonderful show with the evil Jessica Fletcher. She masterminded 400 deaths in 12 years, including half the population of her native Cabot Cove, ME, without anybody being the wiser. Jessica Fletcher is a hero and mentor to all real supervillains."
Brain: "Let's stop talking about Murder, She Wrote. Ok, you say you're being evil. You drained the money from the corporate offices of a US bank. Elaborate on the plan."
Mr Dalek: "Not just any US bank. Bank Of America is one of the biggest banks in that country. It has its tentacles into all facets of American life. Bank Of America is one of the primary sources of pain in the US housing woes right now. Bank Of America is stopping efforts of homeowners who want to sell houses whose values have collapsed (the original prices had been inflated by speculation from organizations that included Bank Of America, lest we forget). By preventing the sales through delay and deception, Bank Of America is forcing some people into bankruptcy and destroying the credit rating of many others. The bank is strangling many Americans and increasing the odds that their economy will go back into recession, and beyond that to a depression. With the size of the US economy, most other countries will be dragged back down with them. Right now, Bank Of America is the Enemy Of The World."
Brain: "Hang on. Bank Of America is EVIL?"
Mr Dalek: "With a capital E and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool!"
Pinky: "That stands for Pool!" (2 seconds later) "Ah, a butterfly, right here in River City!" (scampers off again)
Brain: "So your evil plan is to destroy an evil entity and free the American public from their slavery? What next, are you going to be a modern day Robin Hood and return the money that was drained from those saps so that the Americans can rebuild their lives?"
Mr Dalek: "A fascinating idea. Providing all the Americans with money with the the press of my finger. My choice to bring financial independence to a suffering nation. To be the being that the Americans thought Mr Obama was in 2008. That power would set me up above the gods. And through Adam's computer, I would have that power!"
Brain: "But would you do it?"
Mr Dalek: "Of course not. I'm a Dalek. I want Americans to feel enslaved and bankrupt. I want them to despair. I want the whole world to despair. But they are supposed to despair because of ME. It is my job to conquer the Earth. This planet is MY dominion. Bank Of America was usurping my power, and that is why I destroyed them. Check what I actually did again."
Brain: "Oh. You didn't just drain the money from the bank. You also drained all the money from the bank accounts of the policyholders and the employees. You left all of them dead broke! But that's just wrong. Wrong and dastardly. Wrong and dastardly and EVIL!"
Mr Dalek: "So, typing a few strokes on a keyboard. Silly little typing. Bet you're more impressed now."
Brain: "Assuming you remembered to hide your IP address to ensure that nobody traces your steps back to Adam's computer, then I'm very impressed."
Mr Dalek: "Hide my what?"
Pinky: "Brain? Dalek? Take a look out the window."
Mr Dalek: "We're talking here, Pinky."
Pinky: "Seriously, take a look. AAAAARRRGGHHHH!" (Mr Dalek exterminates Pinky for interrupting the conversation again.)
(Voice From Above The Clouds) "This is the Gunship Bank Of America. The corporate headquarters. Somebody in the village of Crawley stole our money. This person shall surrender in 20 minutes or Crawley will be destroyed by our impressive array of weapons."
Brain: "You were aware that most US banks have become powerful enough to place their corporate headquarters inside low orbital gunships now, and that bank fraud is dealt with via slaughtering the offenders?"
Mr Dalek: "Obviously not."
Mr Dalek and Brain hear the doorbell ring downstairs. Adam answers the door, and shrieks in fear. Mr Dalek and Brain rush to the landing to see what is happening.
Two Crawley police officers with disturbingly large truncheons and utility belts filled with various kinds of pepper spray and mace barge through the door and face Adam.
Bruce Wayne: "I am officer Bruce Wayne and this is my partner, detective Dick Grayson. Now, citizen, we know you hacked into the Bank Of America website. Tell us how to get the money back, and no more than three of your fingers will be hurt."
Adam: "What is Bank Of America?"
Dick Greyson: "Holy Denial, Bruceman! Mr Purcell here wants to pretend that he doesn't know he just robbed the giant US bank who is threatening our village with destruction!"
Bruce Wayne: "If you ever loved Crawley, you must do the right thing. Hand over the money, and let us beat you black and blue for a few hours, then turn you over to the Gunship Bank Of America for torture, a show trial, and finally a slow death. Hopefully in the correct order or it will get messy."
Brain: "Mr Dalek, we must act! Quickly!"
Mr Dalek: "That IP address thing you mentioned. If we used your computer skills to leave a trail that convinces the bank that someone else stole the money and framed Adam, we could end this standoff right now."
Brain: "I will not destroy an innocent life."
Mr Dalek: "This life is not innocent."
Three Minutes Later
Mr Dalek (having just got back to the landing): "See, that was evil and fun."
Brain: "Bear in mind that by punishing people who are guilty of evil things, you will be bringing justice and closure for a lot of people."
Mr Dalek: "I know. But you can't win them all."
Bruce Wayne: "Officer Greyson, bring out the Big Book of Japanese Riddles!"
Adam: "Do you expect me to talk?"
Bruce Wayne: "No, Mr Purcell. I expect your brain to fry! From trying to solve these darn riddles - they are very complex."
(Voice From Above The Clouds): "Just a moment, town of Crawley. You were framed. We have found the data trail. The person who really drained our funds is the Chief Minister of the State of Jersey. We shall make him return the money or sink the Island. Then we will torture him slowly. And only after that will we allow him to die. Have a pleasant day." (Gunship motors can be heard as it moves off towards Jersey.)
Dick Greyson: "Holy miscommunication. Sorry we almost tortured you, there."
Bruce Wayne: "No time for apologies, chum. We must get to Jersey to try to bring a peaceful surrender before the Gunship gets kill-crazy."
Dick Greyson: "Aren't we supposed to just be working in Crawley?"
Bruce Wayne: "No time for insolence. To the Cop Copter!" Bruce and Dick race off to bring "peace" to Jersey.
Adam: "Well, those were a few terrible minutes. I'll make a twitter comment about it from the computer."
Mr Dalek: "I left the computer on the website from which I was hacking into Bank Of America."
Brain: "We've got to get to that machine before Adam does."
Adam: "You forget, guys. I can hear you. Indeed, I'm surprised those two police officers couldn't hear you. So, Mr Dalek, you destroyed an entire evil US bank and will probably send the Americans into a depression?"
Mr Dalek: "I had time to kill. Murder, She Wrote is being pre-empted today for a Crimewatch special. Ugh."
Brain: "So I was never in danger of having to watch that show? I didn't need to risk trying to get you to exterminate ... AAAARRGGGHHHH!" (Mr Dalek exterinates Brain)
Adam: "I was nearly tortured to death over this stunt."
Mr Dalek: "You can have 30% of the money."
Adam: "In that case, I look forward to your next bank robbery."
You Have Been Reading:
Mr Dalek Robs A Bank
- Voice of Mr Dalek ..... Mr Dalek
- Voice of Brain ..... Mark Gattiss
- Voice of Pinky ..... David Tennant
- Adam J Purcell ..... Adam J Purcell
- Bruce Wayne ..... Adam West
- Dick Greyson ..... Burt Ward
- Voice of Gunship Bank Of America ..... Brian Blessed
- The American People ..... Doomed, either by Bank Of America or by Mr Dalek - not much difference except Mr Dalek is more honest
The above story is a work of fiction that may or may not contain elements of humour or satire. Any resemblence to any real people or organizations, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. That said, if you honestly believe yourself to be an evil person or organization out to defraud lots of people, or you think that having your corporate headquarters in space is a good idea, you need some medical help. Kindly get that help before worrying about this story.
No copyright infringement intended. This story is not for profit and merely for entertainment. Doctor Who is copyright the BBC.