Mr. Dalek: KILL! MAIM! DESTROY! COOKIE?
by Benjamin F. Elliott
The cast of Staggering Stories
And many more
- by Benjamin F. Elliott
(24 December 2010 – 3:17PM and 24 seconds. 25 seconds. 26 seconds. Maybe we should just start the story.)
Shaggy ran through the catacombs of Adam Purcell’s bedroom. He was the last toy alive. Mr. Dalek had been on a roll that day, exterminating left, right, center, and a few directions that did not have names yet. Mr. Dalek was hot on Shaggy’s trail, scooting behind on his wheels. Shaggy jumped onto a shelf, so Mr. Dalek found a handy ramp to launch himself skywards to the shelf. Shaggy made a depth-defying leap past a window and over Adam’s water tank with the world’s smallest hammerhead shark in it, just making another shelf. Mr. Dalek conceded that his natural momentum would not be enough to jump the shark, so he turned his flight engine on. This caused Mr. Dalek’s radar to activate, and he heard splashes of conversation …
“Father Christmas, why are you making house calls? And dead?”
“I come from the future, Adam Purcell … total horror … I fixed your reset button … use at the right time … world destruction … I won’t speak ill of Darwin, but …” (SPLAT!)
Mr. Dalek’s eye opened. He had hit the side of a bookcase while trying to listen to the conversation. It was over now. Shaggy had left a handwritten note – “So long, soccer!” Mr. Dalek pondered whether to give Shaggy a spelling lesson before extermination. He decided not to. Not when he was in the excellent position to prep a 2% extermination blast, swerve his death arm till the energy beam resembled a Scooby snack, bounce the beam of Scooby death off the bookcase, off the ceiling, off the carpet, and nailing Shaggy with just enough force to kill while he was hiding behind the Scooby van. Yes! Score one for the cleverness of the Dalek empire!
Shaggy asked how Mr. Dalek knew his hiding place. Mr. Dalek revealed that it was in The Guardian, who had taken the info from Wikileaks. “Zoinks”, exclaimed Shaggy as he died.
NINETY YEARS LATER …
(We are watching a TV program. The rest of the main body of the story is what viewers saw on channel GOV 3 on 24 December 2100.)
The light turns on the reporter, who looks at the audience. Excited, scary mood music is on.
Michelle Grade begins: “Good evening. I’m Michelle Grade. Welcome to the expose ‘Apocalypse Then’. That said, remember tonight is Matt Smith night. You could be out at your local Matt Smith Effigy bonfire. The main bonfire from Westminster Abbey is airing live on GOV 1. An encore of last year’s series finale of ‘Who Wants To Be A Billionaire’ is airing on GOV 2. And the encore run of the 775 episode ‘History Of The Cheese’ is up to episode 177 – ‘Gouda’.
Michelle: “Are you still here? Seriously? Knowledge of Mr. Dalek and the Staggering Stories were forbidden for 75 years for a reason. People set Mr. Dalek up as a folk hero. He spent most of his life as a useless coward. The one time he did anything interesting – he destroyed the world as we knew it. Our benevolent leadership has rebuilt as best as possible, but for all intents and purposes – that jerk destroyed the world. He had help, and we will excoriate the help as well. But honestly, why give the memory of Mr. Dalek the bother of tuning in for this. Anyone who still wants to duck out and do something more interesting in the next 5 seconds – good on you, mates.
Michelle: “Very well. For the rest of you, here is a story of betrayal, deceit, revenge, and the destruction of the previous civilization. Our government cameras were able to record most of the events involved, so we have a journal of the destruction. You will see concepts and products that no longer exist. We are all jealous of the previous society (approximately 1800 to 2011). Thankfully there were visionaries in that society who were prepared for what could happen, and who guided us back from the point of extinction. The story begins on 25 December 2010, on the final celebration of the world Holiday known as Christmas …
(Caption on screen – 25 December 2010, 1:57PM, Village of Crawley, Adam Purcell’s living room)
Michelle (voiceover): “We are watching in on the annual Christmas party of the terrorist group Staggering Stories. Group founders Adam Purcell, Tony Gallichan, Andy, Keith Dunn, Karen Dunn, and Jean (last name lost to history) are present. Also present are fellow terrorists Robert and Jo! from the mysterious Flashing Blade podcast. And the unsung ringleader of them all – Mr. Dalek. The group’s founder and silent financial provider George MacFadyan is the only one missing, having vanished in a huff in the Summer of 2008. Yes, that information is important later – you’re the chumps who wanted this story instead of a perfectly good Matt Smith effigy burning. As our footage begins, Tony is playing an audio adaptation of a Mr. Dalek story. The cult of Mr. Dalek wrote fictionalized stories about his life which made the character seem quite cute and cuddly to the English audience. By the time this scene is over, we will be on an inevitable course to humanity’s destruction.”
Audio from Adam’s computer – Tony’s voice speaking: “You have been listening to ‘Mr. Dalek Solves The Problem Quickly’, by Chip of the Two-Minute Time Lord Podcast. We had many story submissions this year. Apologies to Stephen King, Chris Sanner, J. K. Rowling, Jean-Marc Lofficier, and the late Steven J Cannell – all your Mr. Dalek scripts were fine, but I did not have time to adapt them. Mr. Dalek will return at the Staggering Stories Staff Party Christmas 2011, because you people keep writing stories about the guy! Please have some pity on a guy who would like to retire from making Dalek sounds before turning 50!”
Applause is heard around the room.
Jean remarks: “Great work as always. We promise not to let the listeners know that you really love doing these audios.” (Tony shoots Jean an evil look.)
Robert pipes up: “I’ve done some research into our old benefactor George. It’s rather disturbing.”
Jo!’s dialogue: “Don’t be silly. I’ve always heard that George MacFadyan is a nice man.”
Robert continues: “Well apparently he’s been a nice man for a LONG time. There’s a photo of George with Adolf Hitler at the 1936 Olympics – George is the same age he is now. And then George is seen in a painting of Ford’s Theatre from 1865 – twice simultaneously, somehow giving CPR to Abraham Lincoln and bringing John Wilkes Booth a smoothie, a century before the smoothie was invented. There are more anomalies like this through history. The earliest one I’ve found so far is George’s signature – his CURRENT signature – in the Domesday book of 1066. George signed right below Judy Dench.”
Adam makes a dramatic flourish and declares: “Sounds interesting. But never mind George. Here is my latest invention from the secret laboratory! A big red Reset Button.”
Mr. Dalek mentions: “You have a secret laboratory?!? Wikileaks was right about that?”
Adam practically growls as he observes: “You’ve worked in it. I introduce you to it every year. And then you choose to erase your memory of it for security.”
Andy wisecracks: “I can see the remains of the “Easy” letters from when it was bought at Staples.”
Adam’s response: “I have rewired it. It is set to rewind the Earth to 24 December 2010 at 2PM GMT if ever pressed. Now, Jean is about to say “prove it”. So Jean – here’s an autograph from David Tennant dated 2 January 2011, from the timeline I wiped out testing the button the first time you wanted it proved.”
Jean’s impressed: “Amazing. I was about to ask you for that. So, you made the button yourself?”
Adam continues, a bit annoyed at himself: “I tried to. Got some help on the prototype from an old friend. Anyway, we need to turn on my giant viewscreen. The Mr. Dalek TV Movie ‘Not Without My Dalek’ is about to have its UK premiere on Five US!”
Michelle’s voiceover: “Indeed, audience. The Staggering terrorists had such hubris that they sent a movie script to Lifetime in the USA, and Lifetime made a movie out of it. Due to the nature of the catastrophe of 2011, this surveillance footage of the film ‘Not Without My Dalek’ has the only surviving examples of acting by the popular Americans Neil Patrick Harris and Jane Lynch.”
On Adam’s TV: “NOT WITHOUT MY DALEK!”
Neil Patrick Harris, in a Dalek suit, with legs, and with chest hair showing, dancing and singing: “I am a Dalek! I am a Dalek! I like to kill, maim, destroy, and frolic! I conquer minor beings right before tea. There are no other aliens as clever as me. I am Mr. Dalek!” (slides down a bannister and lands on his knees right before Jane Lynch)
Jane Lynch, in a dark suit, singing: “I am Ada Purcell. I know your secrets so well. You don’t know how to plot or plan. You’re as dangerous as my watering can. Completely in-ef-fec-tu-al!”
Neil Patrick Harris (Mr. Dalek): “Why do you belittle me?”
Jane Lynch (Ada Purcell): “Because I love you totally!” (Ada kisses Mr. Dalek with great passionate force, and you can just spot the use of tongue)
Adam Purcell spits out his tea in disgust: “That’s not the script I sent Lifetime! AAAaaahhh!”
Mr. Dalek remarks: “In case there is some human custom I’m unaware of, I wish to point out that Yoko accepted my marriage proposal yesterday. I’m completely off the dating market.”
Karen Dunn gets a line in: “If it helps, I’m fairly certain that neither Neil nor Jane are into the kiss.”
Robert groans: “No. It doesn’t help at all.”
Tony mollifies the group: “Relax, children. We sent a script to Hollywood. This is just the silly stuff that happens to scripts when you give ideas to Americans. This is why we don’t let them write books and short stories.”
(On screen caption): “With Jason Alexander as Tony Garrison”.
Tony goes ape: “NOT IN THIS UNIVERSE!” (Tony leaps out of his chair with energy he hasn’t had in years. Tony rips Adam’s TV off the wall and smashes it on the floor like Moses with the first draft of the Ten Commandments. A piece of the TV flies off and decapitates Keith. Having vented, Tony sits down in his seat.)
Resigned, Adam presses a button and another TV emerges to take the previous TV’s spot on the wall. Fourth TV that week – such a waste. Keith Dunn 224 mysteriously arrives, disposes of the body of 223, and sits down next to his wife Karen.
Andy observes: “We need something else to watch while waiting for the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Let’s run a load of Adam’s laundry and watch the spinning of his front loading washer!”
Jo! covers up her fear of washing machines by shifting the conversation: “We’ll keep that as a maybe. But Adam, didn’t you finally get a copy of The Chase?”
(On screen caption – The Chase was a 6 part Doctor Who story from 1965 that featured The Daleks. Its DVD release, and the response of Staggering Stories to it – destroyed the Earth as we know it.)
Michelle Grade appears on screen and tells the audience: “We’ll fast-forward a few minutes to the important bit. (fast-forward noise) Here we are.”
On Adam’s viewscreen, the Doctor’s companion Vicki asks the Doctor for a TV clip. He loads it up. Suddenly the screen goes BLUE! “This segment of the story has been excised due to failure to obtain proper copyright. Suggestion to future TV writers – get your stuff properly cleared before you film.” The footage cuts back to the Doctor saying “Now you’ve smashed my favourite Beatle.”
Mr. Dalek swears: “What the (loud beep to cover six consecutive expletives)! They censored the story! We wanted to experience this Doctor Who adventure and somebody went and broke it!”
Jean riddles: “I heard about this. The Region 1 NTSC version of the DVD that came out in the US and Canada has this obscenity – my family saw it. Did you buy a Region 1 version?”
Adam, a bit defensively: “No, I bought the Region 4 PAL from Australia/New Zealand. The Region 2 version was sold out and discontinued already. They claimed that lots of people from other countries had tried to get that version shipped to their countries. In the end the UK stock was dumped in the Thames rather than let it leave the country. Didn’t understand why until now. The Region 2 PAL DVDs must have been the only uncensored ones.”
Robert betrays his age: “Some of us weren’t alive when this story came out on VHS. How do we see the full version now?”
Keith sadly notes: “You don’t. Not as long as the Phony Corporation owns the worldwide rights to all Beatles music – past, present, and future.”
Mr. Dalek suggests: “Well, what if Phony had a change of heart? Say – the public makes their voices felt and Phony knuckles under?”
Adam raises an eyebrow: “I’m surprised you aren’t just exterminating the executives at Phony.”
Mr. Dalek points out: “Well, if I exterminate them now, the story would stop at the beginning, and that is terrible narrative structure. The Now Show taught me the best way to do a protest that will completely un-nerve the executives at any firm. Gather Doctor Who fandom – we march tomorrow!”
Karen looks at the Calendar: “Well, we should wait till the next non-holiday, or nobody will tell us apart from shoppers.”
(Fun fact – Mr. Dalek and Jack The Ripper were never seen in the same room at the same time. Modern forensic scientists are convinced that Mr. Dalek WAS Jack The Ripper.)
(4 January 2011 – 11:45AM BST – outside the headquarters of Phony)
Mr. Dalek begins the scene: “Amazing that you can have so many holidays in a row.”
Jo! pipes in: “At least it gave us time to make the costumes.”
The camera scrolls back to reveal that 25,000 people, including the Staggering Stories terrorists, are all dressed as hedgehogs. Standing united as a stone wall.
Mr. Dalek exclaims: “Marcus Brigstock had a great idea!”
(Four hours later – nobody has noticed the protest. Nobody.)
Mr. Dalek laments: “Marcus Brigstock, this is your fault! I will exterminate the entire cast of The Now Show in the middle of a taping! Even you, Mitch Benn!”
(Fun fact – Mr. Dalek never got around to exterminating The Now Show. Those comedians lasted until 2013, when they were all burned at the stake for treason.)
Little did our traitors know that people were paying attention after all. On 12 January 2011, 75,000 American Doctor Who fans marched at the US Capital Building in Washington, DC, to the bafflement of the newly elected Congress, who at a mere $250,000 annual salary could not afford a cable or satellite package advanced enough to get BBC America. Everybody at the 2011 Gallifrey convention in Los Angeles, CA walked out during a live commentary screening of The Lodger to march on the Los Angeles headquarters of Phony. These 2000 conventioneers were joined by 200,000 facebook friends and shut down traffic in Los Angeles for 12 hours.
Reaction to the Los Angeles rally was quick. By 1 March 2011, it was ILLEGAL to produce DVD or Blu-Ray players that were capable of being made Region Free anywhere on Earth – even China. Players that could handle the PAL format were forbidden from handling NTSC, and vice versa. Manufacturers of CD players began work on a project to turn those machines into Region Coded devices. Internet video was also coded to your country of residence – by law. US network BBC America avoided a lawsuit by pulling Doctor Who from the airwaves until the controversy was settled. The PBS stations airing the show followed suit. DVDs were pulled from the shelves – it became illegal to see Doctor Who in the USA. The first, but not the last, country to lose access to that rabble rousing program.
(We see some quick footage of the rallies, including captions claiming that the KKK marched in solidarity with the Doctor Who fans in DC and Los Angeles. Not the surviving cast of The Day Of The Daleks – the OTHER KKK! We see footage of legislation being passed, Doctor Who DVDs being burned, unauthourized players being smashed, and law-breaking American fans going to prison.)
As we hear from this April meeting of the Staggering Stories terrorist group, the government reaction was not what had been expected.
Adam the obvious: “So, that didn’t go the way we planned.”
Karen notes: “We pointed out the injustice of how corporate society is using copyright to be mean, and corporate society lashed out at the public.”
Andy gets a bit of dialogue in: “But only with the support and approval of our divided Conservative/Liberal Democrat coalition Government. Clearly this mistreatment of the public does not fall along traditional political lines. That means that our reaction does not have to fall along normal lines.”
Keith quips: “You mean we have a quick chat with Prime Minister David Cameron (Conservative) and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrat) to try to get them to put things right?”
Jean’s line: “Exactly. Hey? Where’s Mr. Dalek?”
(Meanwhile, at the London headquarters of the Phony Corporation)
Mr. Dalek is snapping blackmail pictures. Suddenly two security officers enter.
Mr. Dalek reluctantly addresses the lower life forms: “Go away and let me do my work. I have an extermination gun.” (shows his small weapon)
Security, unison: “We work for lawyers. We’re cyborgs too.” (their right arms morph into MUCH BIGGER extermination guns – they open fire)
Mr. Dalek, flying away from the blasts: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!”
(Fun fact – in case you were confused, politicians were chosen by the public to lead society in the previous civilization. Society did try to move beyond politicians, but the process was still underway when civilization fell.)
Michelle, in voiceover: “For weeks, the Staggering Stories terrorists tried to get an audience with David Cameron and Nick Clegg. They finally succeeded at 1:13PM on Friday 13 May. Mr. Dalek was at the meeting too.”
David Cameron, using his Prime Minister’s Questions voice: “I wondered why Doctor Who wasn’t getting any publicity this year. I liked watching it on Saturday evenings. It is much harder to catch new episodes early Mondays at 2AM on BBC Four. And iPlayer just does not look as good.”
Nick Clegg intones: “From what we’ve read of the information you provided, it appears that the Phony Corporation is deliberately bribing politicians and convincing other companies to act in direct opposition to their consumers. This is a grudge match because people dared to protest (non-violently at that) over the handling of the Beatles’ copyright.”
David is a bit flustered now: “That is exactly what Mr. Dalek told you four minutes ago. Word for word.”
Nick breaks an empty wine bottle and aims the broken part at David’s neck: “Don’t patronize me in front of the British public, Davy! We’re in couples’ therapy because we never agree on policies. It makes governing difficult.”
David, in a quiet tone: “Still, we agree that Phony’s behaviour is terrible. We will expose it to the world in a joint statement at 7PM tomorrow evening. Things are going to change!” (Nick puts the bottle in the trash)
Mr. Dalek, enthused: “Excellent. Your exterminations will be postponed!”
David, enthused: “Excellent. Your exterminations will be postponed!”
Nick grumbles: “Now you’re the one impersonating Mr. Dalek.”
Michelle, in voiceover: “The footage ends here, but we assume they discussed world domination at this point. David Cameron and Nick Clegg were not evil in and of themselves, but they believed that they had a mandate to pursue policies they or their constituencies believe in just because they won the election. Fortunately for their immortal souls, they were unable to engage in any wickedness, because they both mysteriously died that night – in each other’s arms, tied together, having mistaken a moving Mack Truck for a police station. Heroin was believed to be involved. In response to the scandal, the administrative side of the government took control that evening, firing all the politicians and setting forth a policy of stability. Their efforts became The Government that we know today.”
(14 May 2011 – Apocalypse Day)
Michelle, in voiceover: “The day our world ended. Devastation came in stages. First came the nuclear blast in Crawley, UK.”
Mr. Dalek, looking out the front door at Adam’s house, almost wistful: “Four hours till I marry Yoko. Not even the latest block of our efforts to get the Beatles track restored to the Chase and stop censorship can ruin this day.”
(BOOM! A tiny mushroom cloud emerges from the other side of the village.)
Adam, getting the implication: “Oh no!”
Mr. Dalek loses it: “Yoko!!!!!!!!!!! Kill. Maim. Destroy. Cookie. Kill. Maim. Destroy. Cookie. Kill. Maim. Destroy. Cookie. Kill. Maim. Destroy. Cookie. …”
4PM – emergency meeting of the Staggering Stories terrorists:
Adam begins: “All Mr. Dalek has done all day is say the same four words.”
Mr. Dalek’s repetitive dialogue: “Kill. Maim. Destroy. Cookie. Kill. Maim. Destroy. Cookie.” (Mr. Dalek continues saying this in the background until further notice.)
Tony brings back his forensic findings: “The tiny atomic bomb was specifically aimed to destroy Yoko’s home. Only Yoko’s home. None of her neighbours. Remarkably, the radiation is already gone, as if somebody set things in place ahead of time for an emergency cleanup. This was meant to hurt Mr. Dalek specifically. To kill Mr. Dalek, if he was the type to sleep around before getting married. Or to keep him out of the way if he had useful information about something.”
Keith dialogues: “David Cameron and Nick Clegg were murdered last night and it got covered up. Also, Mr. Dalek has held candlelight vigils outside Phony for four months that might have gotten them angry. So that is two possible groups who could have tried to hurt him, beyond the regular suspects.”
Behind our villains, the TV turns on.
Guy on TV speaks: “Peoples of the world. Your attention please. The following message is vital to the future of you all.”
Mr. Dalek is shaken from his shock, recognizing that voice. Adam notes that all the TVs and radios have turned on – all to this very familiar man.
Guy on TV speaks: “My name is George MacFadyan. I am the CEO of Phony Corporation!”
Mr. Dalek mentions: “Oh dear. I read this speech two days ago on Wikileaks. George has taken over all TV and radio frequencies worldwide. George is going to destroy something of great value to point out that private property doesn’t exist and we should all accept our roles as serfs dually serving the Government and the Phony Corporation.
Adam, frustrated: “Why didn’t you tell us two days ago? None of us read Wikileaks anymore. The government tells us the page is naughty, and we’re afraid of losing our jobs over it.”
Mr. Dalek points out that he is an alien bent on galactic conquest, not a silly messenger boy. The Staggering Stories should do their own web research.
George continues talking on the TV: “I see that my old compatriots at Staggering Stories have turned on me and tried to battle legitimate copyrights. I divorce myself from them and cut off all financial support. Please kill them, British public. I didn’t kill David Cameron and Nick Clegg, but I would have had to if they hadn’t died last night. Their minds were poisoned by my former associates. So sad.
George: "We at Phony Corporation have been very patient with consumers and their nauseating belief that they 'own' things. We tried multiple video formats to keep products in certain parts of the world. We tried region coding. We tried enhanced region coding to defeat all region machines. We tried digital rights managements. But you never listen. You always claim that you 'bought' something and should be able to use it wherever you wish for as long as you wish. Well, you are WRONG! Private ownership is a myth, and always has been. We let a few eccentrics in the 18th and 19th Centuries spout their drivel and allowed you to believe it because it used to keep you more docile and compliant. We own the products that we let you 'rent' with the money that the government 'loans' you. Yes, when the government makes the money and stamps it - it belongs to said government. The society has always been a form of a socialist collective. We were just too polite to point it out to you. There is nothing worse than hearing you peasants bleat on and on because we took away or changed something that we used to allow you to use. The products are ours - it is our decision. Given how you destroy everything, we ought to charge you when products are not returned undamaged.
George: "Alas, like a spoiled child you have gotten uppity and forgotten who is in charge. So we have to be the grown-ups here and take away some of your toys. I will make a point by taking a way the most insidious concept of private 'ownership' in modern society - gifts you receive from others. Switch to camera two so the serfs can see what happens when they misbehave."
The camera cuts to Father Christmas' toy workshop at the North Pole. Rudolph's red nose is starting to flash very quickly.
Rudolph reindeers: "Santa! My nose! So much pain!"
Father Christmas (aka Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas) worries: "Someone has surgicially removed your nose and put this plastic thing on in its place. Hang on. There's a tiny timer visible in the nose. It's a bomb!"
Elves and reindeer start to run around scared, all toy production abandoned.
Rudolph yells: "Get away! Save yourself!"
Father Christmas, getting out his bomb squad equipment: "There isn't enough time. Our only hope is for me to disarm the bomb before it explodes."
Rudolph asks: "How long do we have?"
Father Christmas’ line: "Seven seconds."
Rudolph, softly: “Do we have a chance?”
Father Christmas, fear all over his face: “No. It’s the end of Christmas.”
(The camera shorts out. A few seconds later, the Northern Sky turns very bright, followed by the loudest boom of all time. The sky turned dark after that, as a cloud emerged that has stayed for 89 years. The idea of daytime ended at this point. Deer meat fell on Scotland for two weeks after this explosion.)
Michelle, on camera: “It took a while to get any cameras going after the Apocalypse. First we lost contact with all satellites around the world. Then communication lines were cut with everybody outside of the British Islands (most of the UK and Ireland). We have not heard from the rest of the world to this day. We operate under the assumption that they all died. Our natively unpleasant environment seems to have partially shielded us. In some ways, dying like the rest of the world would have been better.
Michelle: “The new UK administrative government acted quickly to minimize the damage. All products were rationed. Curfews were imposed. Electricity use was limited. Our land has a hard time producing products at the best of times – it became worse when we lost the Sun. George MacFadyan would have been executed if we had caught him in time. Arrest orders were issued for the Staggering Stories terrorists. Unsurprisingly, the Staggering Stories people were not home when the police arrived. Because they were evil.”
(Back to footage. 17 May 2011 – a dark alley behind Phony Corporation)
Mr. Dalek yells to a shrouded figure: “MacFadyan!!!!!!!!!!!”
George removes a hood: “So, we meet again. How does it feel to see somebody REALLY try to conquer the Earth?”
Mr. Dalek points out: “Phony has been shut down by the Government. The Government has declared full control, with no corporate stuff having control. There are already food shortages as a result of government ineptitude. You failed. Utterly utterly failed.”
George dismisses this: “I’m as old as the Earth. I just keep trying out ideas. I have till the end of time to get it right and conquer the place. Who do you think suggested to Pontius Pilate that the answer to the Jesus issue was to offer that odious prisoner as an alternative? Who do you think advised the Egyptians that giant pyramids were the best way to honour the dead? Stonehenge, or as I called it then – the Rock Horror Picture Show? Who do you think lead the public in pooh-poohing Noah’s ark? I told Cain how much of a disgusting brown-noser Abel was. I taught the Serpent how to talk. Need I go on?”
Mr. Dalek halts the walk through memory lane: “Explain Yoko’s demise.”
George shows off: “As part of my cleverness, I bugged the internet. Somehow Wikileaks got my speech about the world and published it two days ahead of time. Thankfully the world governments have convinced people to avoid Wikileaks now. The only people to actually read this particular leak were David Cameron, Nick Clegg, and you. Murdering Cameron and Clegg was easy. They have no friends and the government eagerly took credit for it. But you. You have allies, Mr. Dalek. People who would miss you. So I needed to neutralize you in a way that nobody would investigate. Wikileaks killed Yoko, really. If they hadn’t leaked my plans, Yoko would not have had to die.”
Mr. Dalek, almost spitting it out: “That is all I needed to know. You will be exterminated until permanent death.”
George points out that he has been poisoned, stabbed, hung, shot, drawn and quartered, drowned, burned – what makes Mr. Dalek think he will be any different in his efforts?
Mr. Dalek: “I have all the time in the world, and no thought in my mind other than your demise. Also, I’m standing on the power supply, so I have unlimited electricity.”
Mr. Dalek fires an extermination ray at George. George laughs, until a second ray comes out of the plunger and starts hitting George in the back, trapping George in place. A third ray comes from the eyestalk and starts to kill on the brain. Five more rays appear from various spots and virtually encase George in death rays.
Michelle’s narration: “It took George MacFadyan 43 hours to die. Nobody intervened. When one of the world’s great villains decides to take out another of the world’s great villains, you get out of the way and wait to see which one will survive and need to be put down later.”
(On screen caption – the Internet died on 14 May 2011 at about 4:56PM, a result of the shockwaves from the destruction of the North Pole. Before the infrastructure fully collapsed, there was one final web page posted. It was a wikileak. The final revelation of the internet – “Batman is millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. Robin is his youthful ward Dick Grayson. Alfred wore a wire for the DEA after being caught with a meth lab on the grounds of stately Wayne Manor.”)
Michelle Grade speechifies: “We now cover the efforts to capture and destroy Mr. Dalek and the evil Staggering Stories. You would think they would take a low profile. You’d be wrong.
Michelle: “Here’s a photo of the evil Staggering Stories gang visiting the Tower Of London in June 2011. Here they are at Hadrian’s Wall in July 2011. This is a picture of Robert proclaiming that ‘at last, he has an action sequence in a Staggering Stories adventure’, just before we shot him in the back. The audio and video of that scene was not kept. Here they are attacking the Government’s top camera spy.
Michelle: “Our story resumes on 23 November 2011 around 4:40PM, when our forces captured the Staggering Stories gang in a London High Street. But Mr. Dalek was around the corner.”
Cop shouts: “Mr. Dalek, come back here or we will execute your colleagues!”
Tony, absolutely not copying the voice of the girl in Forrest Gump, honest: “Run, Mr. Dalek, Run!”
Karen, practical: “Well, if Mr. Dalek feels like surrendering to save us, why not let him do so?”
Cop bleats: “Are you going to surrender?”
Mr. Dalek, popping around the corner: “No!”
Everybody looks at Mr. Dalek in shock.
Cop, startled: “What do you mean, no?”
Mr. Dalek repeats himself: “I said No!”
Cop, incredulous: “Explain.”
Mr. Dalek, resolved: “It means No!”
Cop, threatening: “But they will die.”
Mr. Dalek, forceful: “No! Now this is what I’m going to do! I’m going into that burger joint down the street and I’m going to order a well-made hamburger. I’m going to get it plain without all those obnoxious toppings because I want to feel the taste of the burger, not cover it up. I’ll have some fries with it, and probably an apple as well. I will choose an appropriate beverage to wash it down with. Adam?”
Adam, higher pitched than normal: “Yes, Mr. Dalek.”
Mr. Dalek notes: “This is going to take at least 30 minutes.” Mr. Dalek enters the restaurant.
The cop starts to panic and talks to his colleagues. “Mr. Dalek has no mouth! How can he eat a hamburger? Help! Help! We need a new plan, stat!”
Jo! pickpockets the keys and helps the Staggering terrorists escape their bonds. They hide behind a convenient rock where the cops will not look for them.
About 35 minutes later …
Mr. Dalek begins: “Ok. I’m back from my lunch break.” (Boom) Mr. Dalek looks in horror at the unexploded bomb casing that is now embedded in him. The cops run away in fear.
Mr. Dalek: “Kill!”
Andy proclaims: “We have to get out of here!”
Adam sobs: “But there’s a bomb in Mr. Dalek!”
Karen, gently: “And now we have to stay alive. He’s had it.”
Mr. Dalek: “Maim!”
Adam: “Goodbye!” The Staggering Stories terrorists cowardly abandon their colleague Mr. Dalek.
Mr. Dalek: “Destroy!”
At this point some curious cops have gotten close to Mr. Dalek’s shaking body.
Mr. Dalek: “Cookie?”
Mr. Dalek explodes, sending shrapnel over a surprisingly large distance for such a small creature. There is mass death on the streets of London. A five minute montage elapses, showing Mr. Dalek’s death from every possible angle.
Michelle, on camera: “Now, you would think that the destruction of their main weapon would slow the Staggering Stories team down. But surprisingly, they chose to rally after Mr. Dalek’s death. Except for Jo!, who disappeared completely. Adam, Andy, Keith, Karen, Jean, and Tony remained out there, causing trouble.
Michelle: “We had other problems. The trauma deaths and deaths from people not taking the air well had calmed down. We had 30 million survivors in the UK. And enough food and water to successfully maintain – 2 million.”
(Fun fact – yes, humanity used to be numbered in the millions.)
Michelle: “The Government was faced with the tragic fact that some of humanity would have to live on while the rest would have to pass away. Complicating this issue was the Staggering Stories terrorists. They preached the doctrine to the public that everybody should be allowed to live. They sent coded messages suggesting that people take boats across the sea to other countries, even though everyone was dead in those regions. It was cruel.
Michelle: “We made the choices for population shrinkage considerately. Terrorists had to depart this life first. People with terminal illnesses or who would be drains on society for life. Criminals, naturally. Eventually we had to eliminate science fiction and sports fans, too. Then we had to trim further.
Michelle: “On 29 November 2011, Adam Purcell and companions raided the Life Departure Centre and freed 45,000 people to die and starve later. Stories of rogue boats were emerging. They were believed to have a secret based called Liberator, a call back to a forgotten TV show. Mostly they stayed together, though Tony disappeared and was presumed dead on 2 December 2011. We finally caught up with the evil Staggering Stories terrorists on 21 December 2021. Here is how they died.”
(Dover beach – about 7PM GMT)
Keith declares: “I’ve found Tony!” A disheveled Tony limps in behind him, missing one arm and one eye.
Karen asks: “Were you followed? The government has spies everywhere.”
Tony opines: “I don’t suppose anybody gets the significance of it being 21 December? Think back 30 years.”
Andy gets a line: “Let’s not worry about the past. We have to get out of here alive.”
Adam’s turn: “I’ve got the boat. Now we need to go.”
Jean, fearful: “But I can hear forces from The Government approaching!”
Adam’s furious: “Tony! What have you done?”
Tony tries to calm them down: “This is not what it seems?”
Adam’s utterance: “You? Betrayed Me?” (Adam shoots Tony four times, and Tony collapses in traditional no-blood TV fashion)
Keith remarks: “Tony meant that there was a police convention in Kent today. Of course they were going to see us. They’re here!” (Keith is shot by guards)
Karen, outraged: “That was uncalled for!” (Karen is shot by guards)
Jean, preparing to run: “I only came for the cake!” (Jean is shot by guards)
Andy notes: “Is anybody going to let us surrender?” (Andy is shot by guards)
Adam has reloaded his gun as the troops surround him. Everybody gets into a cover pose, or an end of series pose. Troops all around, everybody including Adam holding their guns. Adam grins a sardonic grin, and practically strums the trigger like a guitar string. Fade to black as we hear shots, but don’t see anything.
Michelle Grade, in studio: “And that is the end of the film. The end of Mr. Dalek and the evil Staggering Stories gang. Did it convince the naysayers that these people were killers, cowards, and cheats? Well, it doesn’t matter. This broadcast was a honey trap. Anybody who tuned in was clearly a dissident who need to be sent to the mines to help dig our way to the landmass once known as France.
Michelle: “We have detected that 800 of you are watching this broadcast. We have all the addresses. You have all been tried, convicted, had the conviction appealed, and been given smaller, more lenient sentences while you were watching the film. Those of you who are breaking the law for the first time will face 10 years of hard labour beneath the surface of the Earth. Second time offenders will face 30 years of hard labour beneath the surface of the Earth. Third time offenders – you will be working beneath the earth until death. Your sentences begin in about 5 minutes when you get picked up by our operatives. Since all this knowledge is really still forbidden, the camera people and I will have our memories erased about this broadcast so that we are not criminally liable.”
At this point, Michelle notices something odd. There is an odd sort of banging from INSIDE the stand holding the main studio camera. Her eyes open wide as a small, impossible creature bursts out from the framework.
“PUPPY POWER!” yells the intruder. You the readers recognize this creature as Scrappy Doo, though Michelle Grade would have no clue who the wee beastie is.
Scrappy gets a dialogue scene: “It took me over 100 years. Impossible tasks. Horrors you would not believe. But I have found my way back from non-existence to existing. Mr. Dalek thought he could wipe me from the timelines. But who’s laughing now?” (Scrappy is exterminated by a shadowy figure in the doorway)
Michelle Grade, alarmed: “What the Stephen Fry is going on here?”
The figure emerges – it is a hybrid creature – the top half is Tony Gallichan! The lower half is the base of a Dalek. And Tony has both of his eyes.
Michelle Grade reaches for the alarm button in alarm, but it is exterminated by a figure in another direction. Keith Dunn, half-Dalek like Tony. Entering the room shortly thereafter are Andy Nunney and Adam Purcell, also half-Daleks. Behind them all – Mr. Dalek!
Mr. Dalek comments: “That was a rather entertaining film. But we’re here to make a few corrections. For starters – we lived.”
The Ghost of Robert wafts into the room: “Even me?”
Tony, sadly: “Actually, we came up with this plan the day after you died.”
Ghost of Robert, wafting away: “Oh hamburgers.”
Adam Purcell: “We set up holograms of ourselves that could “die” at appropriate times while we safely departed for other countries. Oh, this also means that life survived outside of the UK. It was tough, death was massive, but the world is rebuilding, and the population passed 1 billion people again last year. Jean, Karen, Keith, Andy, Tony, Mr. Dalek and I have been living our lives, conquering the Earth.”
Michelle comments: “I don’t see Jean.”
Karen adds: “As we got older, we knew our bodies would fail. Mr. Dalek designed survival suits that would allow us to live forever, barring accident. Jean declined one, wanting to stay fully human. She still lived to be 130 years old.”
Andy jumps in here: “With the world in chaos, we knew we had to restore order. We took control of every country, bringing a new sense of terror and sanity.”
Keith beams with pride: “We have the most enlightened, most compassionate, but most feared dictatorship in world history. The UK was the only country left to bring into the new world.”
Mr. Dalek concludes: “And we used your broadcast to do it. Your government and its policy of mass slaughter has been removed. We will mass slaughter for the occasional bit of fun, or to stop resistance, but our horror is much gentler than yours ever was. Welcome to peace, tranquility, and more intelligent fear.”
Adam adds a line because he can: “We should have the internet back up and running by next week.”
Michelle asks: “By the way, one thing still confuses me. Why did you start the big protest over The Chase DVD in the first place? It sold terribly and there were thousands of uncensored Region 2 PAL copies in the bargain bins by December 2010 that you could have bought anywhere in the UK and shipped to your friends overseas.”
Tony, alarmed: “What do you mean there were thousands of copies? We all remember there being none.”
Mr. Dalek, matter of factly: “Our efforts at world domination had been slowing. I needed a cause to get everybody active again. So I created a perception filter keeping them from knowing that the DVDs were available.”
Andy, horrified: “How could you put us through all this?”
Adam, with whispered content: “You were part of our group. We all trusted you.”
Keith, calculating: “Still, the net effect is that we are the masters of the earth. That is a bit of a result.”
Karen, sadly: “The cost was just too high.”
Adam, slowly pulling the easy button out of his jacket: “I think I’ve heard enough now. Time to send us all back to the year 2010.”
Michelle, confused: “What do you mean, back to 2010?”
Adam continues: “I’ve had a button that could reset the world to 24 December 2010. With the past 90 years of knowledge, I can keep the Chase protests from happening, take out the bureaucrats and George MacFadyan to avoid the apocalypse, and even keep your fiance Yoko from dying, Mr. Dalek.”
Michelle, warily: “But if you wipe out what happened in the last 90 years, most of us living today will never be born. Would I even exist?”
Tony: “Of course you wouldn’t exist. You’re Jo!’s great great granddaughter. We had her marry into the Grade family to hide herself from the repression. Just compare your looks to Jo!’s in the footage. You have the same face, you’re the same size, and you sound identical.”
Michelle remarks: “Fine then. You can’t press the button! You can’t wipe us out of existence without our consent!”
Mr. Dalek aims his stalk at Adam: “I concur with the small human female. You will not alter the timeline!”
Michelle, slightly hurt: “Who are you calling small? You’re under a foot tall!”
Adam, reasoning: “Mr. Dalek, you can be with Yoko again.”
Mr. Dalek, unwavering: “Yoko wanted us to conquer the world. She would not want us to save her if it caused us to lose control of the Earth. You have betrayed me, Adam J Purcell. It seems that everybody betrays me in the end.”
Adam tries to press the button. Mr. Dalek exterminates the button, destroying Adam’s right hand.
Mr. Dalek, sadly: “For what it is worth, you are the only human I ever considered to be a friend. Even in this moment, I respect you. Goodbye.”
Mr. Dalek exterminates Adam at full blast, destroying him as quickly as possible.
Tony turns to Michelle: “Well, now that Adam is gone, we need a new spokesman. You handled yourself very well on the propaganda piece against us. Can you do that well helping us?”
Michelle muses: “If the government’s fallen then I need a new job. Sure, I’ll sign up.”
So, with new team member Michelle Grade in tow, the Staggering Stories team and Mr. Dalek stroll out of the studio, heading out into the brave new world.
Meanwhile, between the realm of the living and the dead:
Father Christmas, irritated: “Well, nice going, Adam! I gave you the tools to find out who causes the apocalypse and to fix the timeline. Instead you get yourself killed (after taking 90 years – surely you could have solved the mystery faster) and now we’re stuck forever in this rotten horror world.”
Adam notes: “Well, I wanted to ensure I knew every angle. And I figured that Mr. Dalek might spot my actions before I could press the button. That’s why I made a clone of the button and left it with another one of the Staggering Stories team. That member should be pressing the button – now!”
Father Christmas, checking his temporal scanner: “You’re right – that whole timeline just ceased to exist. We’re just temporal echoes now, wafting lost in eternity. And the unlucky one of your team who pressed the button is the only one living who will remember those 90 years. Can the person cope and stop the horror from happening?”
Adam, quietly: “Well, I hope so. We’ll never know, will we? By the way, why didn’t you leave me any presents in 2010?”
Father Christmas, pointedly: “You were amassing enough firepower and chemicals for an army in your secret lab. That puts you squarely on the naughty list. I read about it in Wikileaks.”
Adam, irritated: “Oh, hamburgers.”
Doctor Who is a BBC Trademark. This is a work of fan fiction, a bit of fun that will not generate any money. Though since I’m having to do this disclaimer anyway, it is simply ludicrous that a Beatles performance which only survives due to The Chase is censored from the DVD release of The Chase. The lawyers should have been more reasonable and come to an agreement to release the story unmolested.