Mr. Dalek: The Night Before Christmas
Exterminating the mind of Karen Dunn
You can also listen to the Narrated Mr. Dalek's Night Before Christmas as an MP3 (7,201 KB).
Twas the night before Christmas and on Adam's shelf
Mr Dalek was feeling quite pleased with himself.
A fun day had passed 'fore he hung up his stocking
Devising a plan that was frankly quite shocking.
He shared Adam's shelf, as I'm sure you're aware,
With a wide range of toys, who for now were not there.
In a moment of bragging he'd told them his plan
"I'll exterminate you just as fast as I can.
"You've hung up your stockings and don't they look cool.
"Surely Santa will fill them with goodies this Yule.
"But because you'll be zapped I'll just keep them for me.
"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho he he."
Well, to his annoyance they all ran and hid.
He'd just have to hunt them - so that's what he did.
Some toys hid quite well but some others did not.
Once cornered, he exterminated the lot.
He zapped Hobbit dolls from The Lord of the Rings
And wizards and witches and goblin-y things.
With a cry of "exterminate" he zapped them all
And now Golum didn't feel precious at all.
Next up was Pinky, who hid with The Brain.
They begged really well but got zapped all the same.
He then melted Freddy and Shaggy and Scooby,
And Daphne was next as he zapped off her boobies.
He ran after Velma, determined to trap her
And once he had cornered her, primed up his zapper.
"Jinkies" she cried when she saw what her fate were,
And jumped off the shelf lest he exterminate her.
"Ha!" said Mr Dalek, "You cannot escape.
"I've got flying skills and I'll catch you - just wait!"
With a rev of his motors he floated aloft
Taking aim with his zapper as Velma ran off.
Then out on the roof there arose such a clatter
Ignoring poor Velma, forgetting to zap her,
He floated aloft like a good Dalek should
And went to find out who had gate-crashed his hood.
The night was all silent and sparkling with snow
Well it was Christmas Eve in a story, you know.
Dodging past snowflakes as big as his plunger
Our Dalek went after the gate-crashing sponger.
And there on the roof, his eyes bright and merry,
Stood one Father Christmas, his nose like a cherry.
"Good evening," he chuckled on spying our hero
"You should be in bed because Christmas is near-o.
"I'm here on your roof with my reindeer you see
"Have you left a mince pie and some sherry for me?"
Well, you know boys and girls, you should not speak to strangers
And though Mr Dalek was never in danger
He primed up his zapper as Santa stepped near
And screaming "Exterminate" zapped his reindeer.
He zapped Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.
He cried out "Exterminate" and watched them fall
Then he turned to face Rudolph and zapped him and all.
"Oh dear," said Santa, "You've blown up my crew.
"There really won't be any presents for you.
"The spirit of Christmas has quite passed you by
"And now I'm stuck here with a sleigh that won't fly.
"There were new toys for Adam right here in my sack
"But now I'm so cross I will just take them back."
New toys in the sack? He was happy and felt it.
He needed new friends now the rest were all melted.
New toys for the shelf! Well he just couldn't wait
To chase them around and to exterminate.
His balls all a-tingle, he turned to St Nick,
Apologised, although it made him feel sick.
"I'm sorry I zapped all your reindeer" he said,
"I understand I should have stroked them instead.
"Please give Adam his toys - he's such a nice lad
"And shouldn't be punished because I am bad.
"I'd cry if I could and beg if I had knees
"I'd go please please please please please please please he he."
"I see you are sorry," said gullible Claus
Oblivious to Mr Dalek's guffaws.
"I'll give you some gifts cos I'm such a nice chap."
And he lifted his toy sack into his lap.
And out of the sack came such wonderful things
A new Scooby doll and a Barbie with wings,
A Tigger with stripes that went hoo hoo hoo hooooo
A Thunderbirds ship and a cuddly Baloo.
Mr Dalek was happy, his zapper was tingly
He hardly could wait to destroy all these thing-lies.
But before he could zap and before they could fall
Velma appeared and kicked him in the balls.
"It's Christmas, you git," she shouted with passion
"You meant to be decent, after a fashion.
"You already zapped Freddie and Shaggy and Pinky,
"You would have zapped me if I hadn't said Jinkies.
"Poor Daphne has melted and so have her boobies
"I don't even know what has happened to Scooby."
And leaping and bounding 'cross Rudolph's dead hoof
She shouted "Hiya" and kicked him off the roof.
The snow broke his fall but it really was chilly.
And what made it worse, and he really felt silly,
Was that when legend told how his life had unfurled,
The whole world would know he'd been beat by a girl.
But fear not, my friends, though this story is told,
Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.