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Staggering Stories Commentary #234: Doctor Who – Praxeus
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Mar 2020 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Keith Dunn and Steven Clare sit down, plasticed, in front of 2020 Doctor Who episode ‘Praxeus’, and spout our usual nonsense! Yaz is teleporting before thinking, Ryan gets a pat down, Sam Bishop is undercover as Jake and the Doctor has split up. But enough of their problems, please […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #337: Making a Horse Sick
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 22 Mar 2020 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare look back at Doctor Who: Series 12 (2020), talk about their time at the Doctor Who: The Talons of Weng Chiang event at the BFI Southbank, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #233: Doctor Who – Fugitive of the Judoon
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 Mar 2020 19:05

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Keith Dunn and Steven Clare sit down, buried, in front of 2020 Doctor Who episode ‘Fugitive of the Judoon’, and spout our usual nonsense! Ruth is failing to talk about the past, the fam are conveniently scooped out of the main plot and the Doctor’s mind is blown. But […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #336: The Timeless Podcasters
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 08 Mar 2020 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review Doctor Who: Ascension of the Cybermen and The Timeless Children, talk about their time at Gallifrey One, get out of a Doctor Who Escape Room, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #232: Doctor Who – Nikola Telsa’s Night of Terror
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 01 Mar 2020 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell and Keith Dunn sit down, shocked, in front of 2020 Doctor Who episode ‘Nikola Telsa’s Night of Terror’, and spout our usual nonsense! Tesla is besieged by aliens, the Skithra make the Racnoss look convincing and the Doctor has met a like-mind. But enough of their problems, please sit down with […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #335: The Haunting of Gallifrey One
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 23 Feb 2020 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and friends review Doctor Who: Can You Hear Me? and The Haunting of Villa Diodati, get some views on the recent Gallifrey One convention, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:07 — Welcome! 03:59 – Doctor […]

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The Cre'at Club

Mr. Dalek: The Night Before Christmas

Exterminating the mind of Karen Dunn


You can also listen to the Narrated Mr. Dalek's Night Before Christmas as an MP3 (7,201 KB).

 

Twas the night before Christmas and on Adam's shelf

Mr Dalek was feeling quite pleased with himself.

A fun day had passed 'fore he hung up his stocking

Devising a plan that was frankly quite shocking.

He shared Adam's shelf, as I'm sure you're aware,

With a wide range of toys, who for now were not there.

In a moment of bragging he'd told them his plan

"I'll exterminate you just as fast as I can.

"You've hung up your stockings and don't they look cool.

"Surely Santa will fill them with goodies this Yule.

"But because you'll be zapped I'll just keep them for me.

"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho he he."

Well, to his annoyance they all ran and hid.

He'd just have to hunt them - so that's what he did.

Some toys hid quite well but some others did not.

Once cornered, he exterminated the lot.

He zapped Hobbit dolls from The Lord of the Rings

And wizards and witches and goblin-y things.

With a cry of "exterminate" he zapped them all

And now Golum didn't feel precious at all.

Next up was Pinky, who hid with The Brain.

They begged really well but got zapped all the same.

He then melted Freddy and Shaggy and Scooby,

And Daphne was next as he zapped off her boobies.

He ran after Velma, determined to trap her

And once he had cornered her, primed up his zapper.

"Jinkies" she cried when she saw what her fate were,

And jumped off the shelf lest he exterminate her.

"Ha!" said Mr Dalek, "You cannot escape.

"I've got flying skills and I'll catch you - just wait!"

With a rev of his motors he floated aloft

Taking aim with his zapper as Velma ran off.

Then out on the roof there arose such a clatter

Ignoring poor Velma, forgetting to zap her,

He floated aloft like a good Dalek should

And went to find out who had gate-crashed his hood.

The night was all silent and sparkling with snow

Well it was Christmas Eve in a story, you know.

Dodging past snowflakes as big as his plunger

Our Dalek went after the gate-crashing sponger.

And there on the roof, his eyes bright and merry,

Stood one Father Christmas, his nose like a cherry.

"Good evening," he chuckled on spying our hero

"You should be in bed because Christmas is near-o.

"I'm here on your roof with my reindeer you see

"Have you left a mince pie and some sherry for me?"

Well, you know boys and girls, you should not speak to strangers

And though Mr Dalek was never in danger

He primed up his zapper as Santa stepped near

And screaming "Exterminate" zapped his reindeer.

He zapped Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,

And Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.

He cried out "Exterminate" and watched them fall

Then he turned to face Rudolph and zapped him and all.

"Oh dear," said Santa, "You've blown up my crew.

"There really won't be any presents for you.

"The spirit of Christmas has quite passed you by

"And now I'm stuck here with a sleigh that won't fly.

"There were new toys for Adam right here in my sack

"But now I'm so cross I will just take them back."

New toys in the sack? He was happy and felt it.

He needed new friends now the rest were all melted.

New toys for the shelf! Well he just couldn't wait

To chase them around and to exterminate.

His balls all a-tingle, he turned to St Nick,

Apologised, although it made him feel sick.

"I'm sorry I zapped all your reindeer" he said,

"I understand I should have stroked them instead.

"Please give Adam his toys - he's such a nice lad

"And shouldn't be punished because I am bad.

"I'd cry if I could and beg if I had knees

"I'd go please please please please please please please he he."

"I see you are sorry," said gullible Claus

Oblivious to Mr Dalek's guffaws.

"I'll give you some gifts cos I'm such a nice chap."

And he lifted his toy sack into his lap.

And out of the sack came such wonderful things

A new Scooby doll and a Barbie with wings,

A Tigger with stripes that went hoo hoo hoo hooooo

A Thunderbirds ship and a cuddly Baloo.

Mr Dalek was happy, his zapper was tingly

He hardly could wait to destroy all these thing-lies.

But before he could zap and before they could fall

Velma appeared and kicked him in the balls.

"It's Christmas, you git," she shouted with passion

"You meant to be decent, after a fashion.

"You already zapped Freddie and Shaggy and Pinky,

"You would have zapped me if I hadn't said Jinkies.

"Poor Daphne has melted and so have her boobies

"I don't even know what has happened to Scooby."

And leaping and bounding 'cross Rudolph's dead hoof

She shouted "Hiya" and kicked him off the roof.

The snow broke his fall but it really was chilly.

And what made it worse, and he really felt silly,

Was that when legend told how his life had unfurled,

The whole world would know he'd been beat by a girl.

But fear not, my friends, though this story is told,

Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.

 

Mr Dalek's Christmas