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Excerpts from the Staggering Stories Blog:


Staggering Stories Podcast #329: Evil, Evil Monkey
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 01 Dec 2019 10:31

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: The Curse of Fenric as seen at the BFI and the first four episodes of the BBC’s His Dark Materials, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:26 — […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #328: Flappy Chronovores and Cyborg Policemen
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 17 Nov 2019 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: The Time Monster and the 1987 film Robocop, play a game, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:34 — Welcome! 02:02 – News: 02:16 — Doctor Who: Ace […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #327: Insanity Breeding
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 03 Nov 2019 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Big Finish’s Doctor Who: Dust Breeding and the 2019 film Joker, discuss their visit to the Panopticon Lite Doctor Who convention, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:49 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #326: Do You Want to be a Hero?
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 20 Oct 2019 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: Revenge of the Cybermen and the 1986 film Biggles, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:04 — Welcome! 02:00 – News: 02:13 — Doctor Who: Is the Doctor now a […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #325: He’ll Save Every One of Us
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 06 Oct 2019 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review the Big Finish boxset Doctor Who: The Legacy of Time and the 1980 film Flash Gordon, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:59 — Welcome! 01:57 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #324: Having a Carnival Row
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 22 Sep 2019 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review the Doctor Who: Planet of the Spiders audiobook and Amazon’s Carnival Row TV series, discuss the recent BFI Doctor Who event, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:45 […]

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RetroRobot

Mr. Dalek: The Saga Of The Miraculous Mr. Dalek

Translated from the Kaledalekt by RetroRobot - ("RetroRobots Conquer & Enjoy!")


You can also listen to the Narrated The Saga Of The Miraculous Mr. Dalek as an MP3 (2,868 KB).

[Beware: relentless Dalekscansion and evil mutant Rhymingschemes!]

("ahem - mmwohhh-ohhhh!")

In elegance sartorial (and attitude 'conquorial')
magnificent Mr.Dalek's gliding by,
All eagerly aspy with the apple of his eye
(toffeestick wiv wafers inna stack)
And blue bubblegumdrops
in their silver backstops,
Angled panels glinting in the light.

Waves his plunger all about
setting enemies to rout,
For there really is no doubt
that a plunger is a terrifying sight!
With a tinny-tiny sonic attack
as he verbals warbly back
Before exterminating them wot gave him chat.

For his mini-Dalek might
(and we know he maybe could)
means that Mr.Dalek's bite,
For such a mite, is really rather good!
From a Dalek-view at any rate
it's good just to "Exterminate!"
- what else is a little Dalek's zapper for?!

Though he might think once or twice that it maybe isn't nice
When it gets you end up face-down on the floor!
But he just waited (as Daleks can do)
ever so long for his ultimate rescue,
Passing the time in endless review
(and hideously imaginative revenge-reveries)
of Mr.Dalek's long short-list of exterminatees:

First to be dealt with were Wakko & Jakko and Dot
(who'd pushed him off the shelf, down the back,
hoping he'd never be found or come back)
They were especially marked for extermination
- a justified end to their cowardly station.
Overlooking, of course, the real Why It Was Done
being, sneaky or not, they'd nonetheless Won!

Then old ScoobyDoo and feisty young Fred
- long on the list, but very soon dead!
Next Pinky & theBrain who
joined Mr.Dalek to 'Take Over Tha Woild',
But like all who serve Daleks their ambitions wuz foiled!

He saved Velma & Daphne & ShaggyDoll
from being stalked by theCreeper,
but only to eliminate competition - the cheater.
He knocked-off that monster who crept on the shelf
so Mr.Dalek could torment the rest for himself!

He also destroyed theMysteryMachine,
'''There's only one 'machine-of-mystery' on this little scene,
So it just had to go - you see what I mean!'''
shouted tough Mr.Dalek, menacingly
and pointing his zapper; pointedly.

But where would he be (all alone, sadly)
once he'd exterminated all of his friends?
Thank "jinkies" they're like Timelords
and regenerate when killed,
Again and again and agains...

To fulfil their roles as Dalek-fodder
(their inventive demises increasingly odder)
Happy shrieks of pain and terror
mean music to our ears
Except when our Dalek gets smacked on the spheres!

(Ballsy he may be, with plenty of spunk,
this miniscule bully, Mr.Dalek the punk.
But surely he'll feel 26 times the pain
if he gets a kick in the Balls once again!)

But nevertheless his ambition is endless
- undaunted by size, Mr.Dalek's relentless.
From revoking the Santa clause
to roping the Pope,
He'll take on anyone regardless of hope!

So how far I may wonder
and whenever in Rome
I'll remember Mr.dalek
and how he got home!

("The Eaaarrrrgh!!!")*


[* a Dalek knock-knock (or "plung-plung") joke: ]

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Dalek!"
"Dalek wh-argh!"(Zap-sizzle)

Mr Dalek's Christmas