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Staggering Stories Podcast #259: British Robots Invasion of Earth 2150AD
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 26 Mar 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review the 1966 film Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D. and the 2017 film The Lego Batman Movie, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:15 — Welcome! 02:01 – News: 02:20 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #258: That Osgood and Kate Sound
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Mar 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn discuss possibilities for the next Doctor on Doctor Who, review the first three Big Finish UNIT New Series boxsets, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 01:42 – News: 02:04 — […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #257: Holistic Double Banking
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 26 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss BBC America/Netflix’s ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ and Douglas Adams’ time on Doctor Who, play some games, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 02:14 – No news […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #256: The Double Whammy
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss Peter Capaldi’s departure from Doctor Who and the legend that was John Hurt, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:25 — Welcome! 02:09 – News: 02:20 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #255: The Six Idiots
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review the Big Finish Doctor Who boxset ‘Classic Doctors, New Monsters: Vol. 1’ and Sherlock Series 4, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:35 — Welcome! 02:49 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #254: Bad Awakenings
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and the Keith Dunn review the 1966 Doctor Who story ‘The Power of the Daleks’ and the 2016 film ‘Passengers’, say what we’ve been up to recently, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:14 — Welcome! 02:18 – […]

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The Cre'at Club

Mr. Dalek and the Amiable Assassin

by Benjamin F. Elliott


You can also listen to a Narration of Mr. Dalek and the Amiable Assassin as MP3.

(Adam's bedroom. A trumpet fanfare. Buffy walks down a bit of red carpet scrap with Giles by her side. She meets her fiance Fred at the altar. Bridemaids and groomsmen line the carpet scrap. At the altar, Mr. Dalek - Vicar, wears dark robes and begins the ceremony.)

Mr. Dalek: 'So? How'd all this get started, then?'

Fred: 'I was at a pub in Crawley.'

Buffy: 'I was dancing with friends at the Nightclub next to the pub, and didn't notice them leaving. Suddenly it was 2AM.'

Fred: 'The rain was intense. I looked for a cab. And met Buffy there, heading for the same cab as I.'

Buffy: 'There were no other cabs around, so we came home together.'

Fred: 'We've been together ever since.'

Mr. Dalek: '2AM. In the rain. Taking a taxi home. (Wipes a tear from his eyestalk.) I could never have a life like that - because I am a Dalek. I would exterminate the driver of the cab.' (absently fires 1 random death ray)

Pinky: 'AAAAAAAHHHHH. (Collapses) Please return my tuxedo. It is a ren-tal.' (Dies)

Mr. Dalek: 'Oh dear. Thanks to that accident, we now have more bridemaids than groomsmen. I will just exterminate a bridesmaid to match the numbers. It's your turn, Daphne. Or - it WOULD be your turn if everybody wasn't running and hiding during those last few sentences. I guess it is time to play 'exterminate the wedding party'. Wait a minute - incoming conversation. Probably Adam wanting to play with us during his party. I will put it on speaker grille.'

Scottish Voice through Grille: 'I am here to ensure that Mr. Dalek is utterly destroyed.'

Mr. Dalek: (Freaks out a bit) 'ALERT! ALERT! Hostile intent detected. Voice identified! DANGER! Investigation and extermination required!' (Mr. Dalek shakes off his pastoral garments and scoots for the Turbolift doors Adam installed on bedroom. They open for Mr. Dalek and close behind him, as a Star Trek classic series pre-credits sting rolls.)

Mr. Dalek and the Amiable Assassin
  1. by Benjamin F. Elliott and Mr. Dalek
  2. a TWIDW Production for Staggering Stories, Inc.

(Several Minutes Earlier)

Adam and his guests were settling down to enjoy dinner. Adam wanted to play with the toys and do role-playing games, but he knew a certain amount of decorum was required to keep his friends coming back. Andy had arrived. Keith and Karen. Jean. Jo! Two mystery people who will have no dialogue and whose faces will stay just out of focus to allow other writers to play with timelines later if desired. And the empty chair. No sign of Tony. Again. Adam went to slice the bread.

In the center of the table, a luscious red wine sat forlorn. Just about everybody at the dinner table had sworn off alcohol for various reasons. This wine kept coming from the wine cellar, sitting on the table untouched, getting just a tad warm, and then being put away. The wine wanted to be drunk. Its purpose in life was to satisfy taste buds and give sensory pleasure. Once again, it looked like it would remain unopened, unloved.

(A knock at the door)

Adam opened the door. A handsome Scotsman in his 30s entered the house. 'Hello,' he began. Karen, Jo!, and Jean felt a wave of sexual pleasure at just hello. 'I'm a bit lost. I am looking for the home of Andy ---------. My name is David --------.'

Everybody gasped. THE David ----------. The guy who made his living -------, was beloved by most of the country, and had a very hot lover. Full fledged star-struckiness was in danger of occuring.

Adam: 'I am Adam ---------. This is my house. How can I help you?'

David: 'Ah. Delicate matter, there. Is that a bowl of mints on the table? I love a good mint after a long drive. Nice and refreshing with almost no work. (Eats a green mint. Takes a few seconds to savour.) Anyway, delicate matter. Over 30 years ago I was threatened by an inch and a half tall terrorist. He swore to exterminate me when I grew up, and proceeded to slaughter many people inside a convention hall minutes later. I dedicated my life to having a career that would allow me to track this monster. And now I have. Sir, I must ask you to help me. I am here to ensure that Mr. Dalek is utterly destroyed.'

Yes! went the Wine. People are going to drink me tonight! Boo yeah!

(Noise heard from upstairs. Mr. Dalek whirrs into view at the top of the staircase.)

Mr. Dalek: 'It IS you. After all these years.'

David: 'And it IS you too.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Actually, two timelines converged. Part of me travelled into the past and lived an extra thirtysomething years. The other part is much younger and remembers a different life. Very confusing to casual audiences, so I try not to dwell on it.'

David, pulling out a long stick-like device: 'Well, you are close enough. Feel my wrath!' he cried, pressing a button on the stick.

Mr. Dalek's extermination arm pulled out of his body, flying into the room and knocking over a head bust of Jon Pertwee that Adam had lovingly mounted. Mr. Dalek could also feel that his elevation thrusters were offline. What was that thing? Mr. Dalek dared not risk another shot. He backed out of sight, flipped around, and drove rapidly back to Adam's room.

Jean: 'I don't wish to pry, and you are ever so attractive - could I get your autograph while I continue this complaint? Yes? Great - make it out to Jean - your handwriting is superb, by the way - and thank you very much. Now, as I was saying before your hot looks so - erm, what makes you think you can burst into somebody's home and decide to kill a member of his family?'

David: 'Mr. Dalek swore to kill me. My life's work is to eliminate him. It is my sole purpose. Everything I have done. All the TV appearances. The travelling. Even my romances. All to bring me to this place, to kill Mr. Dalek once and for all.'

Adam: 'Apart from trespassing and arousing my female guests - one of whom is married to another guest - from my party, I should point out that you had Mr. Dalek at your mercy just now. If you want him dead, why didn't you kill him with your magic wand?'

David: 'That magic wand is a 'Sonic Stabilizer'. It disables weaponry and does the work of a screwdriver in half the time. But it does not kill. I am a celebrity. I cannot kill anybody because celebrities do not belong in prison. You must understand that, my good man (pats Adam on the back). Oh, and it can make a shrieking noise that is very unpleasant, so you will all sit quietly or else. Adam, shall we discuss terms for you eliminating Mr. Dalek for me?'

(Back upstairs)

Mr. Dalek, having backed all his subjects into a corner: 'I really need your help with this problem.'

Dawn: 'I fail to see the problem. This David guy kills you, and you no longer threaten us. No one else here is an ordained minister, so Fred - eww Fred - will never become my brother in law.'

Buffy: 'I'd help, but Fred hates you. He wanted me to drop you as the Vicar anyway, claiming that Scooby was coming close to getting his online ministerial degree.'

Creaper: 'David is too scary for me.' (Flees)

Mr. Dalek: 'Et tu, Creap-eh? Then fall Mr. Dalek.' Mr. Dalek lowered his eyestalk to half-mast. 'I will be in the hallway awaiting certain death if anybody is looking for me.' Mr. Dalek headed for the door.

A half-man, half-fish swam through the air to Mr. Dalek. 'Hi. I am Sparacus. I'm new here. I thought I could help you survive and you would reward me. It is what the goddess Amdo would want.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Are you from The Underwater Menace? I loved seeing that story at DCI Grunt's house in 1973, then exterminating the negative of the film. I destroyed over 100 films back then. Good times.'

Sparacus: 'Yes, I was. Nice to meet a fan.'

They left the room, but not enough for the turbolift doors to close. Mr. Dalek made a mental note that Sparacus was a good egg. His extermination could wait, and would be as painless as possible. As for the traitors who had known and feared him for years ... internal power was back to 5%. Mr. Dalek could activate - Secondary Extermination Stalk! A miniature version of the Dalek stalk emerged.

Sparacus: 'It isn't very big.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Size is not important. Merely precision. Now, just one thing before we go to certain death.' Mr. Dalek blasted the sprinkler in the ceiling in Adam's room with a painfully slow ray. Water sprayed all over the place. Adam would be most sad over rare and valuable books being ruined, but Mr. Dalek had to make a point to the others. The toys all trembled as the water reached all parts of the room - they had watched Adam's DVDs. They knew what would happen next. Mr. Dalek pointed at the water and EXTERMINATE!!!

In the hallway, Mr. Dalek explained "This secondary weapon can fire one more time before shorting out, after which I will need the Adam unit to repair me. So you must keep the David unit occupied enough that I can exterminate him on the first and only try. Here we ... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!' (David had absent-mindedly hit a button on the Sonic weapon downstairs, smashing Mr. Dalek into a wall and sending his now useless Secondary Extermination Stalk across the room. Mr. Dalek noted that his power level read 0% as he passed out...)

(Back downstairs)

Adam: 'Killing Mr. Dalek is out of the question. I have heard all your arguments, and they don't get around you trying to kill one of my toys and threaten my guests because you had a bad morning when you were a little child. So - no.'

David: 'Adam, what's that pocket watch in your pocket?'

Adam pulls it out: 'I don't remember a watch being there. It's probably unimportant.'

David: 'You know - it is sometimes said that the essence of a soul can be found in a pocket watch. Open it up, please.' Very slight waver of the Sonic Stabilizer in Adam's direction.

Adam opens the watch. A flash of yellow light escapes, plays around, and comes into Adam's eyes. His eyes burn brightly for a moment before returning to normal. You can almost hear the choir sing/shouting as Adam stands completely erect. Adam's hairline moves forward a bit and the gray hairs turn jet black. His face looks just a tad shiny and Hollywood. His suit grows pinstripes. The music peaks - and stops.

'I am El Presidente! VIVA EL PRESIDENTE!'

(Imperial storm trooper music starts, but El Presidente stops it with a wave of his hand.)

David: 'El Presidente, are you ready to help me eliminate Mr. Dalek so that you can take control of the Earth?'

El Presidente: 'Absolutely. I'll just get his extermination gun from over here by Pertwee's head.' El Presidente picks up Mr. Pertwee's bust and sets him right again. 'Jean will do whatever you say if you need to keep the others in line. They are great at role playing games, so you cannot assume they are following your orders. They might be playing for time.'

Keith: 'Adam you traitor!'

El Presidente: 'It's El Presidente, to you, my loyal subjects.' (Starts up the stairs.)

David: 'Ok. That's settled. Now Jean, will you be a dear and get the lengths of rope and cuffs out of my suitcase over there? I'll need you to tie everybody up so that they do not interfere in my plan or El Presidente's work. I'll sign another autograph for you and let all the ladies have a nice feel through my hair when this is over. Any of the gentlemen too, if they are so inclined.'

Jean: 'Oh, whatever you say, gorgeous.' (Grabs the bag and starts sorting through David's equipment. Clearly David had been busy settling other scores before coming over.)

Karen: 'If you must tie us up, make sure you tie Keith and I together, as opposed to tieing us to other people. As a married couple we deserve that consideration.'

Keith: 'Can you tie us in an interesting position?'

Karen: 'You dirty man.' (but with a slight smile)

David: 'You're very good at working these ropes, Jean. I'd almost guess you'd done this before.'

Jean: 'Patrick phwoar S. visited a few months back. He found my attentions incredibly comfortable and completely escape proof, until those killjoy policemen made me release him.' (Sound of door opening grabs attention away from the end of that sentence)

Tony: 'Hello, everybody. Sorry I'm so late. Traffic was a nightmare. And somebody's car is parked in my space.'

David aims the Sonic Stabilizer at Tony: 'Jean - get out one more length of rope.'

Tony: 'Oh bod. This is the 4th time in a row we've been tied up at Adam's house by a major celebrity. I'd like to suggest we meet at Jo!'s next time and not tell anybody else where that is.'

Jo!: 'Seconded.'

(Back upstairs, Sparacus has awoken Mr. Dalek just as the Adam unit reached the top of the stairs. But Adam has a new personality - and Mr. Dalek's extermination gun in his hand!)

Mr. Dalek: 'Now Adam ...'

'The name is El Presidente! (Imperial March begins) Fellow citizens! It is now time for my plans to come forth and to conquer the world. First, I shall exterminate you, Mr. Dalek. Once you are eliminated then David downstairs will be able to help me conquer the world. We shall make cats the official pets - dogs will be kicked out. William Shatner will never be allowed to act again ... but I'm drifting. Here endeth my address.'

(Elevator Music Imperial March begins) Sparacus: 'You will not threaten my friend. I will stop you with my half-fish power!' Sparacus begins a graceful swim towards Adam, flowing free and powerful. About 4 feet into the swim Adam exterminates him. 'AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!' and all that. The music finally stops, to our relief.

Mr. Dalek was hopelessly outnumbered here. Adam had gone crazy and had Mr. Dalek's gun. The flight thrusters were still down. Mr. Dalek's new friend and all his subjects were dead (most by Mr. Dalek's own hand, but dead is dead). Adam's friends were immobilized. This looked like the end of Mr. Dalek.

To think - all this happened because of one chance encounter. Mr. Dalek was cranky at the wrong moment and annoyed the wrong power mad toddler. It was enough to make one rethink one's life. How much of the pain and suffering here was Mr. Dalek's own fault, and what did he feel guilty for? How could things be made right? What had he lea (EXTERMINATION BLAST) AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

-------------------------

Hello, everybody. Mr. Dalek here. I'm afraid I just had to exterminate the writer, Mr. Elliott, and take over this story. He was a nice enough guy and a useful quizzling for my schemes, but he failed the basic rule of writing for me, Mr. Dalek. Rule #1 - I am a Dalek! I am not some human or some weak-willed cutesy alien who will change their plan whenever the right human comes around to teach morality. Daleks have no morality! We scheme. We plot. We plan. We win because we are smarter than you. Now, Mr. Elliott may have written me into a corner here, but I have Dalek wiles on 1960s levels. David forgot something very important in his scheming. Pay close attention to the truth.

Mr. Dalek: 'El Presidente - a quick question before you exterminate me. How exactly is David going to help you take over the world?'

El Presidente: 'Hmm. Ah. Excellent question. Hmm. Ah. Well, we haven't quite gotten to that part of the conversation yet.'

Mr. Dalek: 'I should point out that - apart from his behaviour tonight - David has a history of kindness and humanity. Once his vendetta against me is complete, surely he will just stop there and keep you from doing anything evil or fun.'

El Presidente: 'Wow. You're right! Oh well, guess I'll just go down there and exterminate Adam.'

Mr. Dalek: 'NO! We are not strong enough to eliminate him right now. Besides, the last thing we need is police coming by here and finding out what I've been building in your basement.'

El Presidente: 'You're building something in the basement?'

Mr. Dalek: 'But I'm drifting. I shall suck it in, pretend to be nice, and get him out of here, thus allowing your work and mine to continue undisturbed.'

El Presidente: 'I'm so glad my Adam persona got you.'

(Two Minutes Later)

David: 'So, El Presidente, how did it feel to exterminate Mr. Dalek? (Short pause) Well, clearly the feeling was not too great - Mr. Dalek's alive, looking right at me, and his extermination gun is installed again.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Do not use your Sonic device on me, David. Just listen for a minute. Now, I know we got off on the wrong foot. I was in the wrong part of history. I had an errand to run. And I was just in a bad mood. I - ugh - a-pol-o-gize. I think that is how humans pronounce the word. I have been haunted by that day for many years, fearing retribution from the mighty man you have become. I see you in my nightmares. Now, if you have seen me in your nightmares, I humbly apologize. We can forget how off the cuff remarks can sound to strangers. Please let Adam's friends go now. Please. Please. Oh oh ple-ee-ease!' (I started crying here, to keep up the ruse.)

Andy: 'Ah. How cute.'

Jo!: 'You've read all these stories, Andy. You know what Mr. Dalek's up to.'

Andy: 'I know. But this story is essentially a three hander between Mr. Dalek, David, and Adam/El Presidente. I wanted to get some dialogue in. Feel involved.'

David: 'I believe you have changed, Mr. Dalek. I will give you another chance. (thinks a moment) You know, not being angry at you any more is so refreshing. I feel younger. I feel alive. I feel like leaving my job and trying something new, just for the experience.'

Mr. Dalek (I struggled to say these lines with a straight face): 'That is wonderful, David. Send us a postcard. Now, you should give Jean and El Presidente some scissors and any keys they will need to release their friends, and depart into the night.'

David did as I requested, and everybody was free in time to either wish him well or give out a death threat. I made David give me another 6 pocket watches like the one he'd planted on Adam earlier - I could use them to give new personalities to my subjects in Adam's room when they come alive again. Brand new people to exterminate - bliss. David left our house and got into his car - which was promptly pulled throuh space into a flying saucer. Still, that is somebody else's story - I was just glad to be rid of the pest.

El Presidente: 'Well, I have a new personality, and I think I will keep it. I'm afraid the time spent dealing with an uninvited guest and being held as prisoners has made the food go cold. Order some pizzas, Tony, if you please. I shall bring down the other toys and we can play with them till the food arrives.'

I tried to warn Adam/El Presidente about the watery conditions in his room and the mild dead-ness of his worldly possessions, toy or otherwise. But he did not listen. The doors to his room opened... He has not stopped screaming yet. I think the screaming helps him heal.

Now, as Mr. Elliott has been eliminated, I doubt he will write any more stories for me. I can always try to win him over, but death tends to harden one's attitudes. Maybe one of you can take up the challenge. Just remember - I will exterminate you and take over if your story is crap, or it makes me look weak, or if you include Worzel Gummidge. Mentions of Are You Being Served? are right out - don't even try ...

The wine was never drunk. It lived till the year 2164, alone and unloved.

The End?

Mr. Dalek

Written - June 2009 by Benjamin F. Elliott.

TWIDW Inc for Staggering Stories.

No copyright infringement is intended on Doctor Who, Scooby Doo, or any other fictional character.

If you are a real life character you're on your own - consider it parody.