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Excerpts from the Staggering Stories Blog:


Staggering Stories Podcast #278: Festive Fools
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 17 Dec 2017 09:38

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Crumbly, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review the Big Finish Doctor Who boxset ‘The Tenth Doctor Adventures: Vol. 2’ and the recent partly animated Doctor Who: Shada, play some festive games, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #206: Babylon 5 – Movements of Fire and Shadow
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 10 Dec 2017 10:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, detecting, in front of the Season 5 Babylon 5 episode ‘Movements of Fire and Shadow’, and spout our usual nonsense! Lyta and Dr. Franklin have their investigating feet on, Mollari is keeping himself locked up and Delenn prangs her Whitestar. But enough of their […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #277: Make the Sanest Listener Go Mad
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 03 Dec 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review the likes of Big Finish’s Doctor Who: Dark Eyes, Star Trek Discovery and Red Dwarf XII, play a game, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:30 […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #205: Doctor Who – The Lie of the Land
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 26 Nov 2017 10:17

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, broadcasting, in front of the 2017 Doctor Who S10 episode, ‘The Lie of the Land’, and spout our usual nonsense! The Doctor has become a TV presenter, Bill is still fixated on a dead woman and the Monks have given up on VR entirely. […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #276: Whittaker Calling Orson
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 19 Nov 2017 09:15

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith and the Real Keith Dunn discuss Doctor Who subjects such as the Thirteenth Doctor’s costume, the 60s and 70s composer Dudley Simpson and director Paddy Russell, review the second season of Stranger Things, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #204: Babylon 5 – And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Nov 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, inquiring, in front of the Season 5 Babylon 5 episode ‘And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder’, and spout our usual nonsense! Mollari is feeling left out, Lennier has some hot footage and G’Kar wants to guard Londo’s body. But enough of their problems, please […]

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The Cre'at Club

Mr. Dalek Invades Gallifrey

by Benjamin F. Elliott


Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and girls! Rills and Draahvin! Is everybody sitting comfortably? You there in Iowa – we’re not starting this story until you are sitting comfortably. Thank you.

Mr. Dalek Invades Gallifrey
  1. by Benjamin F. Elliott

Transuranic legal concepts may not be used where there is life. Fluffy malleable concepts may be used, such as Vengeance, Mercy, Diplomacy, Law, Justice, and Order. Law & Order have been assigned.

I warned you to sit comfortably before we start.

Ever since Mr. Dalek could remember, he had heard about a planet named GALLIFREY. This planet was the birth place of the Time Lords. More specifically, it was the birth place of the Time Lord known as The Doctor. The Doctor had spent Millenia terrorizing the Dalek race throughout the galaxies. And on Earth, where Mr. Dalek lived, the Doctor licensed the stories of his life out to the BBC. Mr. Dalek spent decades watching his species’ arch-nemesis become an international TV, audio, and book hero while the Dalek race was portrayed as little more than a bad joke. Mr. Dalek desperately wanted to get revenge on the Doctor (the real one or the fictional BBC one – either one would do).

One day Mr. Dalek’s friend/room-mate Adam Purcell and Adam’s Staggering Stories chums (Keith Dunn, Karen Dunn, Jean Riddler) mentioned that they were going to go to Gallifrey. Mr. Dalek KNEW that Gallifrey had never been destroyed! The TV show faked it to protect that planet from vengeful aliens. Mr. Dalek was excited. He insisted on coming. This was his chance to get revenge on that wretched Doctor-y home planet. Now, Mr. Dalek’s mind occasionally pondered a few points. How could these humans get a space ship or transmat technology to get them to Gallifrey? Why was Adam packing an Amy Pond outfit? And if this was truly an invasion force, why were Keith and Karen bringing one of their constructs, who was too young to fight in a battle? But the allure of doing something nasty to Gallifrey put all of his doubts to the side.

It was a Thursday in February. Mr. Dalek rode in Adam’s shirt pocket where nobody would see him. Mr. Dalek was surprised that the gang took off from an airport – human airports travel to alien worlds? The flight slowly rose through the air, crossed an ocean, and then did not go any higher. Eventually the aircraft descended, and Mr. Dalek saw to his horror that the plane was landing. They were still on Earth. Looks a bit like Los Angeles. The Staggering Stories team were not heading to the Doctor’s home planet – they were heading to a Doctor Who Convention! Anger stirred in Mr. Dalek’s heart, and while Adam was picking up his Mr. Dalek emerged from the pocket to yell at him over this point.

People screamed. “It’s a pet that didn’t go through quarantine!” “It’s a gun!” TSA security officials quickly tackled and confined both Adam Purcell and Mr. Dalek, calling in anti-terrorism agents to investigate.

Before too long, Mr. Dalek would look back fondly at this moment as the nicest part of the weekend. ……

Several hours later, Mr. Dalek and the Staggering Stories team arrived at CBS Studios for the taping of “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”. They had been given tickets by the TSA as compensation for Adam’s permanent spinal damage caused by being tackled at the airport. 2 hours into the interrogation, somebody at the TSA recognized Mr. Dalek as a Dalek and realized that these were just British Doctor Who fans. Craig Ferguson tickets were described as the standard compensation package for British people who run into security problems over cultural confusions. The TSA failed to mention that the tickets were free. But they were near the front of the studio, so our protagonists would get a good view of the show.

A craggy Scotsman was warming up the crowd. “Hello, friendly parasites. I’m Craig Ferguson. Normally we have a comedian who comes out and warms up the audience before my show starts. But he’s in the hospital – he claims he was hit over the head backstage by a mystery man wearing a Tweed Jacket. The network’s too cheap to find another comedian, so I have to carry his load. We’re recording two shows with two crowds today. And will I get any extra pay for this work? No. Just because the show airs at the uncompetitive 12:37AM timeslot and comes in 2nd place out of 2 shows, the network holds me over a barrel. And I have to co-ordinate things so Chris Hardwick can visit the Gallifrey One convention Saturday to film scenes for our show. Does this sound cranky enough to convince you that I’m Scottish? Good. We’re going to start tonight with a rabbit puppet show. I’m going to stand just offstage and use my falsetto voice with this rabbit, mocking the audience and the world in general. Any thoughts, Mr. Rabbit?”

This mildly comedic show warmup was interrupted by the rabbit speaking in falsetto. “Just a moment, Craig. Question for the audience – is there a Dalek in the crowd? Any Daleks in the crowd?”

Craig’s jaw dropped a bit – the rabbit was operating on its own, without Craig’s hand or voice. Mr. Dalek popped out of Adam’s shirt. “Why yes – I am a Dalek. Very clever of you to spot me. Too clever.” Mr. Dalek tried to aim his extermination arm at the rabbit.

The rabbit continued: “I have a message from an old friend. DIE! DIE, MR. DALEK! DIE!” The rabbit launched itself through the air and chomped its teeth into Mr. Dalek’s neck. Mr. Dalek screamed at an octave that he was unaware his voice could reach. Jean yanked the rabbit off and wrestled it for 30 seconds. The rabbit broke free and spotted Craig Ferguson’s full size Dalek at the back of the studio. Just in case the rabbit had bit the wrong guy – the rabbit dutifully tried to chomp on this big Dalek, and broke its teeth. A soundman sealed the rabbit up in a ziplock bag and hauled it away, still kicking and screaming.

Craig Ferguson tried to regain control of the evening. “I’ve made a change on tonight’s schedule. The pig will deliver the monologue tonight.”

Jean retook her seat, with Keith, Karen, and their construct trying to brush off the dust and dirt she got from wrestling a rabbit on the floor. Mr. Dalek tried to shove off the recent trauma, but Adam noticed through his own extreme back pain that Mr. Dalek’s eye was bulging a lot, and Mr. Dalek seemed unable to focus clearly.

-------------------------------------------------------------

FRIDAY MORNING – LAPD HEADQUARTERS – 6:45AM. Law & Order “Clang Clang” sounds.

ADA Terrance Justice Howard entered the room with a scowl and glared at his detectives. Detectives Skeet Law Ulrich and Corey Order Stoll stood before him uncomfortably. Ever since NBC put their TV show on hiatus, The Street Life Of Skeet And Cody’s careers had been in danger. They continued working patrol to keep their acting up to date for when filming of Law & Order: Los Angeles resumed, if it resumes. And now they were in trouble for messing up an actual police case.

Terrance Howard exploded with “There was a SEVERED HEAD in Adam Purcell’s luggage! The TSA kindly arrest a foreign national for us, and we let him go before getting the x-rays of his luggage back! How can you two let this happen?”

Skeet offers an explanation: “We’re actors. Dick Wolf was supposed to be giving us all the cop procedural information, but he seems to have washed his hands of the show. I haven’t gotten any notes in two months. And let’s face it – Doctor Who is on TV in the USA. Anyone who has watched that show knows what a Dalek looks like. There was no reason to hold Mr. Purcell for owning a totally legal toy. I’ve learned that much working here.”

Terrance Howard set his eyes to scorch. “And now that we know about the SEVERED HEAD???”

Corey Stoll pruned his mustache and calmly replied: “Well, clearly we’re going to pick him up now that he carried a human head across jurisdictions. Just give us the address he’s staying at. The TSA should have that on file.”

Terrance Howard is offended at Corey’s open, bland face. “The TSA didn’t list an address. All we know is that he was heading to a science fiction convention. This is a holiday weekend. There must be three or four science fiction conventions within driving distance of the LAX Airport. How are we possibly going to check all of those out before Mr. Purcell leaves the area?”

Skeet Ulrich responded: “We won’t sleep till we track him down.”

Terrance glowered: “Buy some Red Bulls from the vending machine on your way out, and be sure you don’t sleep. Maybe we should have gone Transuranic on this planet in the first place.”

---------------------------------------------------------

And thus the Gallifrey 2011 Convention began. Mr. Dalek tried to enjoy himself. But this place was a nightmare. At least 80 people were dressed as Amy Pond, most of them women. Another 50 were dressed as various Doctors, most of them women. There was a toddler in a tweed Matt Smith jacket! All sorts of silly humans were dressed as monsters – monsters that are actually in the galaxy and fake monsters that the Doctor Who series conjured up. Perhaps the greatest insult was a gang of 5 teenage girls – one dressed as the Doctor, one as the Doctor’s TARDIS, and 3 dressed as the multi-coloured mutant Daleks that were on TV in 2010. All of it honoring the TV version of the evil, horrible Doctor who haunts Mr. Dalek’s life.

You try to be a menacing alien in an environment like this! Most people congratulate you on your great costume. Some assume you are an excellent prop being run by remote control. Tons of little child constructs around, so you can’t demonstrate your power and exterminate anything for fear of hurting a construct and facing the wrath of Purcell.

Mr. Dalek sought out Radio Free Skaro, in search of kindred souls. Alas, it was several Canadian Humans. They were uninterested in him. They claimed that many better examples of Daleks were at this convention. Mr. Dalek went away hurt, vowing to destroy Canada at some convenient point in the future.

Oh, and someone on the Staggering Stories crew brought along the Head Of Pertwee! Mr. Dalek suspected Jean of doing this. Aliens and monsters look normal at a sci-fi convention, but something resembling a severed head is always going to attract attention. During the Gallifrey 101 panel, organizer Shaun Lyon was mildly amused at seeing a toy Dalek with Adam Purcell, but was visibly startled and anxious seeing the Head Of Pertwee’s beneficent gaze staring up at him. Pertwee’s eyes had to be covered to let Shaun finish the panel. The Head Of Pertwee also startled Tony Lee, four members of the hotel staff, 7 Amy Ponds, 4 Doctors, and 85 spiders who would normally be spinning webs in dark corners of the building.

Mr. Dalek tried to check for the man in Tweed who had set the Rabbit against him. So many men were wearing Tweed – okay half of them were women. Matt Smith’s popularity as the Doctor has revitalized the Tweed industry (thankfully not so much the bow tie industry). Mr. Dalek came so close – but the man who reprogrammed the Rabbit was shadowing him all day – lurking behind columns, hiding under tables. Mr. Dalek would not see him until the figure was ready to strike personally.

By the way, have you guessed who the man in Tweed is yet? I tried not to make it too hard. His identity will be revealed soon enough.

-------------------------------------------------------

SATURDAY MORNING – 8:57AM – LAX Marriott Lobby. Law & Order “Clang Clang” sounds.

Detective Skeet Ulrich restates what a man in a concierge outfit said off camera moments before. “So Adam Purcell is staying at this hotel and attending the Gallifrey One convention downstairs?”

Detective Corey Stoll is upset at himself. “I’m sorry I didn’t suggest we try the Doctor Who convention first.”

Skeet calms Corey down. “It’s okay. I enjoyed going to the Jericho convention. And we are here now. Let’s go arrest the scumbag.”

A man who looks suspiciously like John Leeson but is claiming to be the hotel concierge points out: “Hotels are considered a safe place to gather, without fear of prosecution for all but the most serious infractions. Eighty hookers were here yesterday, and we were expected to leave them alone and not call you in to catch prostitution in action. This is a big hotel. We won’t be able to rent rooms out at all if people cannot rely on our discretion. You can nab Mr. Purcell when he strays off hotel grounds. I’d suggest staking out the Denny’s down the street – many of our guests eat breakfast there – our restaurants are monstrously overpriced.”

Corey Stoll suggested: “Could we at least stake out the hotel and monitor his activities?”

John Leeson, er, I mean the concierge, smiles: “Of course. Why not have breakfast in our restaurant?”

SATURDAY MORNING – 10:20AM – Ballroom level of LAX Marriott after paying too much for breakfast. Law & Order “Clang Clang” sounds.

Skeet Ulrich tries his sexy face at the membership desk. “We need to be able to infiltrate the convention. LAPD doesn’t pay enough for us to afford day memberships.”

The Membership volunteer has flashbacks to when she worked for the LAPD and shudders, but maintains composure. “I understand. But you either need to pay the fee or get somebody to loan you their costumes to hide in. We cannot let people think they can attend the convention without paying.”

Corey Stoll’s mustache is twitching. “We’ll find costumes to hide in. Thank you very much.”

SATURDAY MORNING – 10:40AM – Costume Dressing Room, Ballroom level of LAX Marriott. Law & Order “Clang Clang” sounds.

Corey Stoll has a triumphant face. “I’ve gotten a man named Andre to loan me his life size Fez costume. Help me put it on.”

Skeet Ulrich has a happy face. “I can do one better. I’ve gotten permission to use the full size Green Army Dalek prop as my disguise. It’s known and respected – I can lurk all around the Ballroom level of the hotel. Nothing can possibly go wrong with this plan.”

---------------------------------------

Mr. Dalek was starting to feel better on Saturday morning. He attended a panel on Doctor Who online fandom. He menaced the Head Of Pertwee to keep the Head from influence a quiz competition between Staggering Stories and The Doctor Who Podcast (the Head Of Pertwee was backing Trevor and James instead of Keith and Karen). There were even two big Daleks at the convention now. Admittedly they were models and people were inside them, but Mr. Dalek felt happy that some people were respecting his native people.

But the day was still a blur. Time seemed to jump. The furniture licked its lips at Mr. Dalek. The designs on the carpet floors shifted back and forth. Before Mr. Dalek knew it 5PM had come.

A man in Tweed approached Mr. Dalek. He bent down so Mr. Dalek could look him in the eye. “Remember me?” he said in an English accept with a touch of Scottish lilt to it.

Mr. Dalek shook his woozy head. “You’re a man in Tweed. You could be … anybody. But you think you’re somebody, don’t you? You programmed that rabbit to poison me with something.”

Man in Tweed comments: “Look at my face, not my clothes. Everyone thinks they know me, but all I have to do is wear an outfit better associated with somebody else. Once I do that, I become anonymous. Here in particular, so many women (and a few men) are dressed as Matt Smith’s Doctor that I am invisible.”

Mr. Dalek looks at the Man in Tweed’s face, and his eyestalk raises in terror: “David Tennant.”

David Tennant has a manic smile: “Exactly, Mr. Dalek. 38 years ago you terrorized me. I’ve tried to assassinate you four times. You thought I gave up on revenge when I got engaged to Georgia Moffett. Oh no. I just got more subtle. I reprogrammed that rabbit so that it could talk and put Vodka directly into your blood supply. It has left you weak and feeble so that I can kill you myself. Chris Hardwick from the Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson is coming down the escalator right now. No one will look at us – you’ll be dead and I’ll be gone before they finish filming the clips for CBS. I’d even bet that your extermination gun can’t shoot straight due to the Vodka.”

Mr. Dalek has his eureka moment. “Chris Hardwick? He’s here wearing a David Tennant outfit. And I know where the Sonic Screwdriver goes on that costume.” Mr. Dalek started jumping across the room, over the crowd, and snatched the Sonic Screwdriver away from Chris Hardwick. A few seconds of temporal jiggery-pokery, and Mr. Dalek was able to press a button, creating a hot blue ray of energy that could cut through objects like butter.

David Tennant hurried over to the crowd as well. He spotted a young lady dressed at the John Simm Master wheeling a man in old age Tennant mask in a wheelchair. He complimented them on the tableau, and arranged to borrow her toy Laser Screwdriver. A few seconds of temporal jiggery-pokery, and his Screwdriver’s hot ray of energy was green.

An epic sword fight broke out. Two clones of William Suddereth (Chip of The Two Minute Time Lord) dutifully got out recorders and archived the fight so Doctor Who fandom could hear it later.

The Blue and Green energy beams whacked each other fast and furious. Mr. Dalek and David Tennant ran back and forth throughout the Ballroom level of the LAX Marriott. Furniture was slashed. Dan Harris’ DVDs of the Sci-fi Sea Cruises – good thing he had insurance. Whoops – another table smashed. Hope the hotel wasn’t too attached to those lamps. Definitely going to need new wallpaper. And look – some of the carpet is on fire.”

Eventually, David Tennant and Mr. Dalek both admitted to feeling tired. Mr. Dalek pointed out that there was a Con Suite one level up. With everybody either at a Peter Davison chat or hanging around Chris Hardwick, nobody would be at the Con Suite to ask questions. They went up for a 15 minute break.

-----------------------------------------

SATURDAY AFTERNOON 5:18PM – LAX Marriott Ballroom Level. Law & Order “Clang Clang” sounds.

A Red Fez and a Green Army Dalek leave Peter Davison’s panel early, then look at horror at the scene.

Skeet Ulrich (in the Dalek) sounds shocked. “What happened here? It looks like Jericho’s 2nd season finale!”

Corey Stoll (in the Fez), speaks sadly. “It was a series finale, Skeet. You’re not getting a 3rd season. Besides, you have Law & Order: Los Angeles, if it ever returns to the air.”

Skeet mutters: “It looks like two people battled each other with energy weapons and slashed this area to pieces, with all the convention goers distracted by Chris Hardwick and a particularly popular panel.”

Shaun Lyon is horrified. “Who destroyed the hotel?!?!?!?”

Corey speaks in a deadpan style. “ Mr. Lyon, we’re LAPD and we have some questions about a severed head.”

Shaun Lyon reacts normally for a situation like this. “A severed head? What makes the Head Of Pertwee interesting to you? He’s just creepy to me.”

We can hear Skeet’s eyebrow furrowing even inside the Green Dalek. “He knows something about the head. Shaun Lyon, you’re under arrest for conspiracy to transport human remains across jurisdictional lines.”

Shaun is running out of patience by now. “Human remains? That’s a plastic toy. They made toys based on the heads of the first 4 Doctors many years ago. One of the convention goers brought his “Head Of Pertwee” here to take some photos with the guests. The Head just shot a sequence for CBS television.”

Corey waves the white hands that come out of the Fez. “We play for NBC. Maybe you shouldn’t have mentioned CBS.”

Skeet shoves the Green Army Dalek’s drink tray against Corey’s Fez outfit. “Let it go. If Adam Purcell didn’t transport a human head here, then he didn’t break any laws. Case closed.”

Corey is still waving, as that is the only way the Fez can show emotion. “This hotel has been trashed. Shouldn’t that matter too?”

-------------------------------------------

In the Con Suite, David Tennant was finishing an Irn Bru soda while Mr. Dalek polished off some motor oil. Suddenly, David picked up Mr. Dalek, hauling him outside into the courtyard sans Screwdriver.

Mr. Dalek quivered with an emotion he would not admit was fear. “What are you doing?”

David, happy: “It is time for you to die. Have you experienced the LAX Marriott pool yet? Luxurious, impractically shaped, and a lot of water. Once I drop you into the water, either your circuitry will exterminate you or your suit will weigh enough to hold you underwater long enough to drown. You have no weapons you can trust. No allies in sight. Nothing to protect you.”

Mr. Dalek smirked. “I’m not dead yet. There are 3 twenty-two year old women at the other end of the pool.”

David raised his voice slightly. “Those women won’t be interested in you.”

Mr. Dalek had a triumphant tone about him. “Of course. They’re interested in you.” Yelling now. “Ladies – David Tennant’s over here! Don’t you want to give him a hug?”

“David Tennant!” all three shouted at the top of their lungs, and they started running over. David let go of Mr. Dalek, and Mr. Dalek just avoided hitting the water. Quickly Mr. Dalek fled the scene, grabbing his ill-gotten sonic screwdriver from the con suite.

----------------------------------------------

SATURDAY AFTERNOON 5:34PM – LAX Marriott Ballroom. Law & Order “Clang Clang” sounds.

Skeet Ulrich is still in Green Army Dalek costume: “Ok, I have some questions for everybody.”

A little boy dressed at Matt Smith shrugs his shoulders. “The Dalek is talking to us.”

Corey Stoll as a Red Fez tries to seem menacing without his mustache powers. “Ok, we have some questions for the adults.”

One of the Policewoman Amy’s steps forward and asks “Do you need some handcuffs, boys?”

Skeet’s a bit tired now. “Please. We need somebody sane to give us some answers.”

David Tennant, clothes tattered, runs onto the scene out of breath. “I need help! Those women are trying to tear all my clothes off!”

Shaun Lyon is startled. “What are you doing here? I spent months with your agent trying to get you as a guest. I was told it was impossible.”

David has a looney tinge in his eye. “I’m here to kill Mr. Dalek. Oh, there he is hiding under the only table we didn’t destroy earlier.”

Mr. Dalek emerges from under the table with just one word to say. “Busted.”

Corey is angry. “That does it! You two – surrender your weapons immediately!”

David Tennant and Mr. Dalek throw their screwdrivers at the police officers. Both screwdrivers activate, and they slice right through the Green Army Dalek. Red blood starts to bleed out.

Skeet is still inside the Green Army Dalek. He screams just one word. “NUTS!” (Skeet Law Ulrich dies)

Corey, whose horror you can’t see because he’s still dressed as a Fez, starts to scream. “Skeet! Oh Skeet!”

Laura Simpson of the Oodcast interrupts the moment. “You’re a fine actor but I’m sure I can say it better.”

Her fiance Chris mysteriously steps in for background vocals, and instruments we can’t see provide accompaniment.

Oh Skeet! Oh Skeet! Your name sounds like Mesquite! We’re oh so sad to lose you, my poor Skeet! Oh Skeet! Oh Skeet! How can you die right now? We still have never seen you with the Fringe cow.

You were great in The Craft. You won us over in Scream. As Good As It Gets – Awful, but you were ok in it. A thug in Ninja Turtles – not so much. A thug in Ninja Turtles – not so much. You did Nobody’s Baby and Soul Assassin. Takedown and Kevin Of The North as well. And Jericho! Oh Jericho! Your magnum opus was Jericho! A CSI role and some Robot Chicken too. Law & Order: LA was your last big do. Does it seem like I wrote this verse with IMDB? Well of course I did. Life’s too short, you see.

Oh Skeet! Oh Skeet! Your name sounds like Mesquite! We’re oh so sad to lose you, my poor Skeet! Oh Skeet! Oh Skeet! How can you die right now? We wanted you to act and make us go wow.

Song completed, Laura and Chris disappeared into the crowd, leaving CDs for The Oodcast in their wake. The attendees pointed out to the cops that the Oodcast team do this a lot.

David sees Corey Stoll reaching for handcuffs. “This is officially the worst day of my life. Things cannot get worse.” David’s phone rings. He looks at the caller id. “Oh Hamburgers! It’s Georgia on the line! She thinks I’m trying out for Star Wars: The TV Series! Can anyone here do a passable George Lucas impression?”

Corey Stoll pipes up. “Actually, I can do a good George Lucas. Put me on the line with her.” David gives him the phone. “Ms. Moffett, your fiance just killed Skeet Ulrich and I’m going to throw him in jail for a long, long time.” We start to hear screaming on the other end of the line to put David back on.

David is listening to the phone and talking out loud. “Yes, dear. Yes, I’m sorry I was busy getting revenge instead of building the crib. Yes, I’ll come home right away.” David hangs up. “Well, everyone. My time at the Gallifrey convention is over.”

Corey has just about gotten the Fez costume off and aggressively mustache-whips David. “I don’t think you get it. You’re under arrest.”

David smiles. “I beg to differ.” David Tennant runs down the hallway, followed quickly by Corey Stoll, Mr. Dalek, and the Gallifrey crowd. He dived into a room with knitted scarves, Gallifreyan Embassy banners, and Tara Wheeler’s home-made TARDIS. In one bound he was in the TARDIS. A wheezing, groaning sound came out of the prop, and the light on top went hyperactive. Eventually it settled down. When the doors were open, David was gone.

Mr. Dalek cheers. “Well, that’s David Tennant gone for a bit. Finally I can enjoy this convention.”

Corey has handcuffs in hand. “You’re the only remaining suspect. You’re going down for the murder of Law, er, my colleague Mr. Ulrich. I don’t care what you are.”

Mr. Dalek talks with a serene tone. “You’re about to get a phone call that should get me off the hook.”

Corey answers his ringing phone: “Hello. Dick Wolf! We’ve been waiting to hear from you for months. And Skeet just died! He’s bleeding out on the carpet now. What? You were writing Skeet off of Law & Order: Los Angeles anyway? You’re going to kill off his character? The show’s back on the air in April? I’m repeating everything you say? Come back to the office now or I’ll wish I was never born? Er, I mean, I’ll be back right away.”

Corey Stoll returned to his home dimension where Dick Diplomacy Wolf’s office was located, delighted that his TV job was restored. Mr. Dalek chuckled to himself about how well he impersonated Mr. Wolf.

Shaun Lyon turned to Mr. Dalek. “My contract with the LAX Marriott is up for renewal. The Ballroom level is destroyed. There must be at least $500 worth of damage here! How are you going to pay for this?”

Mr. Dalek brought $500 out of the ATM to Shaun, and everybody felt much better. What can I say – sometimes problems solve themselves easily.

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The rest of the Convention was pretty standard for a convention guest who is also a psychopathic Dalek.. Mr. Dalek interrupted Jon Preddle’s panel about the international history of Doctor Who broadcasts to boast about burning The Tenth Planet episode 4 in 1973. He heckled the Tiki Dalek during the Masquerade, only to get pelted by drinks. Mr. Dalek won a bet and some money by successfully dancing the Macarena – backwards. The less said about his crank call to Christopher Eccleston at 3AM from Lobbycon, the better.

Sunday evening, the Staggering Stories brood gathered together to record material for one of their podcasts. Mr. Dalek interrupted the filming to chew everybody out. He’d been lied to, drugged, attacked, and discovered some scary sides to celebrities. Jean pointed out that this was a common experience at your first sci-fi convention. Mr. Dalek cheered up a bit from this. And at least he would be heading back to the UK tomorrow, safe from the horror that is Los Angeles, California.

Alas, Keith mentioned that they were all staying in California for another week to continue sightseeing. Mr. Dalek promptly started chasing the team through the hotel, shouting “I’ll get you all!” In deference to the fact that some of Mr. Dalek’s mechanical systems had not recovered from the Vodka poisoning, the team ran slow enough for Mr. Dalek to keep up with them.

The End.

No Gallifrey attendees were harmed in the making of this story. All persons and ideas portrayed in this story are fictional. Doctor Who is a BBC Trademark. No copyright is implied. A TWIDW production for Staggering Stories.

 

Mr. Dalek