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Staggering Stories Podcast #258: That Osgood and Kate Sound
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Mar 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn discuss possibilities for the next Doctor on Doctor Who, review the first three Big Finish UNIT New Series boxsets, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 01:42 – News: 02:04 — […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #257: Holistic Double Banking
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 26 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss BBC America/Netflix’s ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ and Douglas Adams’ time on Doctor Who, play some games, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 02:14 – No news […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #256: The Double Whammy
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss Peter Capaldi’s departure from Doctor Who and the legend that was John Hurt, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:25 — Welcome! 02:09 – News: 02:20 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #255: The Six Idiots
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review the Big Finish Doctor Who boxset ‘Classic Doctors, New Monsters: Vol. 1’ and Sherlock Series 4, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:35 — Welcome! 02:49 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #254: Bad Awakenings
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and the Keith Dunn review the 1966 Doctor Who story ‘The Power of the Daleks’ and the 2016 film ‘Passengers’, say what we’ve been up to recently, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:14 — Welcome! 02:18 – […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #189: Doctor Who – The Return of Doctor Mysterio
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 08 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, supered, in front of the 2016 Doctor Who Christmas special, ‘The Return of Doctor Mysterio’, and spout our usual nonsense! This Doctor is desperate to get Amy back, the Ghost has a baby to monitor and Lucy is channelling Lois Lane. But enough of […]

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Buccaneer Chronicles

The Buccaneer Chronicles:
The Iytean Menace

By Keith Dunn (despite interference by Tony Gallichan and Adam J Purcell)


Part Three - The flowers smell sweeter the closer you are to the grave.

Chapter Six:
"Going Underground"

 

Inside Jellico continued to sit on the stair, wallowing in despair. How could it have gone so wrong so quickly? The harmless experiments had escalated to death destruction and horror and now this Macfadyan was interfering, disturbing the finely balanced equilibrium.

"They cannot, must not interfere."

It was said almost as a prayer. A firm strong and steady voice bubbled a crossed his mind,

They will not be allowed to interfere!

With a thrill of horror he felt the change take him, his skin felt tight and itched as if there were a thousand ants just under its surface. The fingers grew long and distorted, coarse orange hair sprouted from the back of his hands. He felt his face grow twisted and deformed. His mind was being burnt from his body; the last conscious thing his mind recognised was the harsh voice bubbling from his thought.

"We will now find Fraser and take the location of the patrol vessel from him."

 

They picked up a cab at the corner and headed back to the ship with Blanche watching Macfadyan wearily

"We shall now go to the ship, pick up Cre'at's gizmo and then go on to Fraser's house. And just what is worrying you, child?"

Deciding that perhaps caution was best, and that an outright lie was safest, she reached inside her jacket and pulled out a phial of green powder

"I managed to swipe this, I thought it might be important".

With undignified haste, Macfadyan leant forward and snatched the phial from her hands. Tipping some of the contents onto his palm, he sniffed it with caution. The light caught it sending rainbow like ripples over its surface. Dampening one finger he placed it on the powder and then his tongue

"One of the Jar-toxin Magdonadill group if I'm not mistaken"

Blanche tried to show an interest,

"Oh really. And what's that supposed to do?" It was Cre'at who answered her,

* It is an anxiety suppressant. In large quantities it induces sleep but in very minute quantities it weakens the will and determination and leaves the subject open to suggestions. *

A dream like quality had slipped onto Macfadyan's face and it had also entered his voice

"But fortunately I seem to be immune".

At this, Blanche's eyes started to sparkle and she stopped pretending to be interested - this could be fun. She lent forward.

"So wot's really going on?"

"You mean you still don't know yet child? The human brain is really a remarkable organ it's just a shame none of you use it. Okay. Billions of your years ago, the Iytean police caught one of their criminals. He was charged with possessing an intelligent host against its will. You see, they would usually posses things like their versions of cows and horses and induce a temporary change in the creature so it would be of more use to them. Something happened to the patrol ship and it landed here. The crew abandoned it probably with every intention or returning but got wiped out with the rest of their race by the Snotarans. Years passed, London is built and then along comes our petty pair of thieves who had stumbled across the still active patrol ship. They must have accidentally released one of the prisoners, who seized one of them. It probably induced a fit and was rushed to the nearest doctors; Jellico the Iytean slowly and gently switched hoists. Since then its been trying to influence him, effect what his been doing". Macfadyan leaned forward slightly woozily "It has to be stopped. It probably wants to take over the world, they usually do"

Blanche decided to take a risk - there was something she simply had to know.

"So wot's all this about you and the beans?"

"Ah, well, that's simple. In the first days after the Pythia...." Macfadyan took a deep breath, the glazed look slipped from his eyes and animation returned to his face

"That's enough! Leave it!"

The cab pulled to a halt and Macfadyan tossed a few solid gold doubloons at the driver and leaped from the cab. The others scrabbled to follow him. As he unlocked the doors to the ship, a small boy somewhere around the age of twelve in a footman's uniform hurried up to him with a note. He threw him a Platinum duket then unlocked the ships doors and went inside. The others found him inside pacing back and forward his face dark and stormy.

"Cre'at go and collect your toy we have to hurry!"

As Cre'at zoomed off into the inner recesses of the ship Blanche turned to interrogate Macfadyan

"Ok, Buccaneer, wots going on?"

"That's quite enough of that thank you ... That was a note from Miss Fraser, informing us that Bannister has resurfaced, just after I've sent the Iytean round there. Unless we are quick it could find the patrol ship. Typical human. Always mucking things up!"

Cre'at reappeared at the door, he had divested himself of his 'disguise' and now held a multi- coloured flashing box

* Every thing is prepared. *

As a group they ran to Portmans Square with Macfadyan muttering under his breath the whole time.

 

Julia stood at the cellar door listening intently to the conversation that was going on down below her. Grandfather was trying to convince that ruffian Bannister into some sort of deal. She could hear him now talking animatedly with Bannister, who only seamed to half-heartedly or hesitantly reply.

"Just think of it man, we could turn back the tide of apathy and decay that has swept over our great nation. Through proper use of these artefacts we could stamp down the Hun, push back the Bosh, and show them dam Yanks a thing or to about military manovers. We can achieve a military superiority that Nelson and Wellington could only have dreamt about."

There was a pause for a few moments as Bannister considered his words.

" And what would I gain out of this risky venture?"

Fraser was slightly irritated by this turn of questioning

"The knowledge that you have helped complete God's design in making a world that is united under the Union Flag."

Fraser's voice swelled as, as he became caught up in the vision he was trying to sell.

It was Bannister who interrupted this line of thought

"That doesn't put food on the table or put a roof over my head!"

Fraser readjusted his sales pitch

"Ah, a business man to the last, eh Bannister? For myself that would be enough but I see you need more. I'm sure you would be able to ask a grateful Queen and country for anything you want. A dukedom with its annual income could be the least thing you could ask for".

There was a sudden commotion from the front of the house that distracted her from hearing any more. Getting up, she proceeded to the front door, only to discover Macfadyan pushing his way past the red faced Carlshaw

"I'm sorry 'sir' but Colonel Fraser's not at home to visitors at the moment". He attempted to close the door but found it was like trying to close the door on a rock

"I'm not a visitor. That implies that I want to be here, and believe me there are over a million other places I would rather be." And with a savage shove he pushed the door the rest of the way open. Carlshaw tried one last time.

"You are not wanted here sir. Leave now or I will be forced to call the authorities!"

Julia ran up to quieten the escalating argument. "Its alright Carlshaw, they are here to see me. Please come through, Lord Macfadyan".

Carlshaw looked troubled but stepped back from the confrontation.

"I see miss, but I must say this is most irregular".

As one the group rushed to the top of the door of the cellar. Macfadyan wrenched open the door and started to pound down the steps. Fraser looked up shocked

"What the devil is going on up there?"

"Hallo again Fraser, this must be the nefarious Mr Bannister".

In a pleasant manner, that was very unusual for him, Macfadyan walked up and patted him warmly on the back.

"However I'm sure that what ever grubby little plan your cooking up it will fail. I simply won't allow it."

Bannister backed away not liking the way this was going, Fraser however reacted with righteous fury

"Just who the hell do you think you sir? Get out of here before I send for the constabulary!"

"You go ahead with this and you will probably rip this planet apart" Fraser was red faced now the anger rolling out of him in waves

"Your not English are you? No countryman would just toss a side such a chance to do so much good for his country. Just who are your paymasters, hmm? It's the Krouts isn't it."

"Listen to me, you under evolved ape, you don't have time for this!"

From upstairs came the explosive sound of ripping wood. All conversation stopped. There was silence for a few moments then came Carlshaw's exclamation of horror and pain that was cut all too short. There came a roar from above, and the sound of shredding furniture. There came a harsh gargling roar

"Fraser! Fraser! I know your there I can smell you!"

The group turned round and started to go up the cellar steps, when the door disappeared, ripped of its hinges and thrown clear. The thing that Jellico had become stood in the door way framed in the light. He had a bestial face, framed under a main of reddish brown hair. The face had a broad flat nose. Wild intelligent eyes shone out from underneath a heavy brow ridge. His long muscular arms gave a sense of deformity where none really existed. He was dressed in a set of gentleman's clothes all the wrong size for him and in one hand he clutched one of the neural stunners looted from a draw in the study above. He paced menacingly down the stairs. Macfadyan looked up at him, eyes shining with curiosity.

"At last, I take it that's Doctor Jellico Hyde'ing in there" The thing that was Jellico seamed to take affront at that

"I'm so much more than that strategically shaved ape. Which of you is Fraser? Where are Bannister and Jenkins?"

With misplaced confidence Fraser stepped forward

"I'm Fraser. That there is Bannister. What do you want you foul cur!"

The Iytean hybrid razed the stunner threateningly

"The location of the patrol vessel. Give it to me now!"

Fraser couldn't help but smile

"That weapon has never worked, the energies that power it have been depleted "

Cre'at gently glided forward in an attempt to catch the hybrid in the energies that his device projected. The next few moments seamed to blur into one as the hybrid pulled the stunner round with amazing speed and fired. Cre'at produced a strange electronic squealing sound and sank to the ground as the energy from the gun fought with energy internal to Cre'at. Fraser tottered crossed the room to grab one of the rifle like weapons, only to be shot down by the speed of the hybrid's actions. With a scream Julia ran to her grandfather's side. At the same time Blanche pulled out a pocketknife and launched herself at the hybrid, which caught her by the neck, lifting her off the ground letting her dangle legs kicking. At the same time Macfadyan pulled his Dalek gun and sighted it on the hybrid. Blanche was also in the line of fire. Macfadyan thought for a moment - it was a shame he had only just activated this clone but greater things were at stake here. He went to press the activator stud. Suddenly he was else where, lost in the tortured paths of his memories. He could hear her voice was just this side of tears; hear her pleading for her life, pleading not to die. Damn this stunted body he couldn't reach the deactivator. Macfadyan was frozen. His muscles locked. The Hybrid shot him down. Still holding Blanche by the neck he took a moment to indulge in lustful appreciation of her form. Once he had the patrol ship he could synthesise more of the green JM(3) powder, with it he could control this body permanently, then he could concentrate on budding and he and his prodigy would rule the planet. Then there would be ampoule time to indulge in this body's baser pleasures. He threw Blanche to one side. Hitting the wall she slid to the floor stunned.

 

Macfadyan was sitting on a hillside; his first and second incarnations were sitting ether side of him. Number one was a willowy thin man with short cut blond hair. A sallow face that always seemed to be only just this side of a nervous tick. He was pontificating about something; he always did, blowing out air and getting red in the face, looking ridiculous in his Time Lord regalia. On his other side was number two, a small unkempt slightly balding little man. Put him in the most expensive tailor made suit you could find and he would still make it look crumpled and unloved He was angry about some thing, not quite shouting but emphasizing every thing he was saying by poking Macfadyan in the ribs. Just because he was older did that give him reason to invade his personal space? It did not!

The horizon was a line of trees, a burning forest, and flames leaping higher into a leaden doom laden sky.

The other two were talking again but it was difficult to hear what they were saying due to the fact that Queen Aralan was screaming. She stood there arm pointing at him, hair and clothes burning, skin melting. Colonel Fraser puffed his way up the hill and handed his walking stick to number two, who used it to poke Macfadyan harder. That was it! The last straw. This was going to stop or he was going to deck someone in a minute.

Macfadyan sat bolt upright almost catching Blanche across the temples, shouting

"Look will you PLEASE stop doing that?"

Blanche rolled back shocked. Over in the corner Julia was sobbing over the crumpled form of Colonel Fraser. Macfadyan started rubbing his forehead trying to remove a pulsing headache. Pulling out his Stattenhiem, he started scanning around himself. Cre'at floated close.

* What are you looking for? *

A puzzled frown was creeping over Macfadyan's features that broke into a smile when the rod started bleeping.

"I slapped a Barrilium patch onto Bannister's back. I can now track him anywhere. Come along Cre'at, the games a foot!"

* What about the primitive. Fraser? *

"He's still alive? I didn't think anyone that old could have survived a neural blast. Still time is of the essence we must be away."

* The primitive organic, Fraser, will terminate due to hypothermia unless moved to a place of care. *

Blanche watched the conversation, willing Macfadyan to agree. The Time Lord just stared at Cre'at for a few moments

"You really choose the most inconveant times to get a bleeding heart".

* I posses no cardiovascular system! *

"Oh just get on with it!"

Cre'at floated across and scooped up Fraser then floated off up the stairs while Blanche help a tearful Julia to here feet

"You have to destroy all the Atlantean artefacts. We'll get the Colonel upstairs and onto bed, call a doctor and keep him warm. I'm sorry it's all we can do. I'm sorry."

When they came down the stairs they found Macfadyan standing by the front door looking pointedly at his watch

"Come along Florence Nightingale".

* Not Florence Nightingale. Cre'at and Blanche! *

Rolling his eyes, Macfadyan pulled open the door and ushered the others through. Outside, across the street, was a crumpled form of a young woman. The way she held her wrist it was obviously broken. A crowd of people was starting to gather around her and in the distance was the shrill sound of a policeman's whistle. Blanche pushed her way determinedly into the crowd. Macfadyan called after her.

"Look Blanche, we don't have time for this. We have to deal with the cause not the symptoms."

Blanche just shot him a look then turned to one of the men who seamed to have taken charge of the crowd

"The one who did this also attacked Colonel Fraser in 'is 'ome over there. Tell the rozzeres, will you mate?"

Out of Portmans Square they ran. On the other side of the street was another downed figure. His head had been battered in with a manhole cover, blood and gore had spurted out on to the pavement. Macfadyan stood at the gaping cavity of the manhole, checking the readings on the Stattenhiem. His nose twitched.

"Oh dear. Pooh gas! I hate pooh gas."

* Nobody likes pooh gas. It is one of the Sottom legends like the legend of the Hambu... *

"Enough chitter chatter. Come on!"

Macfadyan proceeded down the ladder into the gloom beyond. With a resigned look Blanche followed then Cre'at. MacFadyan strolled confidently into the smelly darkness

"Careful Cre'at we don't want you to explode another nose".

* Olfactoral systems deactivated. *

Suddenly a flash of blindingly white lightning zapped down the darkened tunnel, followed by a crashing boom that echoed and re-echoed around them. Macfadyan responded with the electronic blue ray of his Dalek gun. It was followed by the reverberating sounds of footsteps as they scampered off. Determinedly Macfadyan rushed off in pursuit, Cre'at floated closer to Macfadyan

* He must have taken an energy rifle from Fraser's collection. *

"What, really? You do surprise me!"

* I will need to get within range to use the device. *

"Right leave that to me!"

Macfadyan shot a number of random blasts down the tunnel with the Dalek gun. One of the blasts hit a pocket of gas, igniting it, illuminating the whole tunnel in a red/ orange glow. Jellico's roar of anguish rang up and down the tunnel. The group ran up the tunnel to investigate the damage. Macfadyan's voice hissed out

"Careful. According to the readings they are only a couple of meters ahead".

With another lightning zap and resounding boom a supporting wall exploded in a shower of masonry and brick dust. With a startled yelp from Blanche, everyone ducked down into the filthy water. From one of the trio came the anguished cry of:

"Oh no! That's my best waist coat!"

The running battle continued across the underground sewers of London, with shots going back and forth, until MacFadyan, hot, sweaty, filthy and wet called a halt.

"They have stopped moving. Have a quick look would you Cre'at, tell me what you see"

After a few moments Cre'at floated down from round the ceiling at the corner of the tunnel

* There is an opening in the wall of the tunnel. The primitive and the symbiant are clearing away debris of the crevice. *

Macfadyan snapped his fingers,

"Of course! That's why I couldn't find it!"

Blanche looked at him curiously

"Find wot?"

Macfadyan rolled his eyes, blowing air out through his teeth and started speaking slowly

"I tried early to scan for the patrol ship but couldn't find it. You see the patrol ship is probably on standby mode; it's over there sitting on primitive bedrock surrounded by billion's of years of London's mud and clay. The background radiation of the bedrock is high enough to mask the output of the patrol ship." He flipped the Stattenhiem over and started to manipulate some of the minute touch sensitive controls on the rod. A distant bleeping started that rapidly grew into a strained wheezing and groaning sound that culminated in a loud bang.

There came a howl of rage from the symbioant.

"Ha! That's buggered him up"

At first Bannister came flying out of the gap to strike the side of the tunnel, the symbiote came charging out of the gap enraged. He still carried the energy rifle but such was his anger he forgot to use it.

Both Cre'at and Macfadyan charged forward. The Time Lord fired first, the negative blue ray throwing the symbiote down the tunnel. Cre'at rushed up, pressing the button on his box. The box emitted a gentle light covering the symbiote in a golden nimbus. It receded and left behind a white haired Dr Jellico, dead. Cre'at gave Macfadyan a reproachful look

* It was not necessary to terminate the Jellico primitive. The trap would have worked on a living subject. *

"I had to make sure he was no longer a threat if your toy didn't work, didn't I. Come on lets get these lumps of jelly back to their home planet before they cause any more trouble."

Noticing Bannister slumped against the sewer wall. He walked over to him, picked him up and slapped him a couple of times to bring him round.

"Listen to me, you low life vermin. You are going to retrieve all the items you sold from this thing and destroy them or I will find you and you will suffer all the torments the universe has to offer, do you understand me? And you wouldn't. Want. THAT!"

Macfadyan's voice seemed to echo up and down the tunnel. He then released Bannister with a slight shove. The crook staggered back, eyes wide and trembling, then ran off. Macfadyan turned and walked through the hole in the tunnel wall to the TARDIS, leaving Blanche and Cre'at to look uncertainly at each other and then head off after him. At the end of the tunnel was the red and white candy-stripped circus tent exterior of the TARDIS, materialised around the large patrol ship. Then it faded away with its customary groaning sound leaving, behind only the darkness a huge cavern and the sound of adjusting rock.

 

In the gleaming white interior of the ship's console room, Macfadyan was leant over the controls setting the coordinates, humming happily to himself. Blanche watched him cheerfully

"Were are we going now?"

"I'm taking them all back to the Iytean home world and let their justice system deal with them."

* Didn't the Sontarans destroy that world? *

"Yes, so we'll have to be quick".

 

Later

Macfadyan strolled into the Console room humming. He noticed Blanche and Cre'at playing chess. Blanche was still confused over the movements that knights made.

"Blanche, you will be happy to know that I've returned the briefcase to Mr. Robert Louis Stevenson. Quiet an interesting chap, for a Human, full of ideas. He was fascinated to hear our little tale."

"Yea I'm pleased for him".

Macfadyan delved deep into his pockets and pulled out a leather bound book and passed it to her

"You might find this an interesting read though if it's too difficult for you there's a pop up version in the ship's library".

"Oh ha ha".

Blanche flipped the book over, in gold letters it bore the legend

'The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde'.

Macfadyan slapped his hands together

"Right you two a quick trip to the royal society I think. Could prove very educational".

 

Taken from January's Chronicle 1886

Colonel Malcolm Fraser died at his home last Tuesday night after a long bought of illness He was stuck down last October by what doctors described as 'brain fever. Leaves his granddaughter Julia. Funeral arrangements by The Martins.

Taken from March's The New Chronicle 1901

Tragedy struck today at the Capital and Counties bank. As subsidence caused a large potion of the bank and surrounding street to disappear in to a hole in the ground. Specialists can give no reason why the bottom of the hole should have been a perfect sphere. 10 members of staff and 23 members of the public were killed.

THE END

 

No Sot'ms were harmed in the making of this story
But Cre'at was humiliated when he had to pretend he was clockwork

 

The Buccaneer Chronicles: City of Gold