The Secret Log of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Episode 4

Translated and transcribed from the original coded French by Tim Munro © 1989

THE STORY SO FAR: Doctor Beverly Crusher has eloped with Romeo Shaggem, the head of Starfleet Medical. A new CMO has been assigned to the Enterprise.

STARDATE 42072.8

Oh marvellous. Bloody bloody marvellous. Wouldn't you damn well know it, Starfleet have sent me a new CMO with a face like the north end of a south-bound Ferengi, and all the personality of a photon torpedo. Well, that puts paid to my hopes of getting my end away this year. I suppose it's back to the box of Kleenex and the copy of 'Vulcans In Bondage' from now on.

Anyway... where was I? Oh yes. Well. Doctor Katherine Pulaski beamed aboard at 0900 hours, and got off with a flying start (ahem) by mistaking me for the ship's porter! "Hey, you." she said, clicking her fingers. "Yes, you. The old wrinkly with the head like a boiled egg. Carry my luggage to Sickbay."

Controlling myself with effort, I politely pointed out that I was actually the ship's Captain, and had not spent thirty years working my way up Starfleet in order to end up carrying suitcases. Pulaski roared with laughter at this, and said: "My last Captain was just like you, he was a po-faced stiff-necked old prune too, but I soon sorted him out!"

And with that, she swept out into the corridors, leaving yours truly to stagger along behind carrying her three suitcases, five trunks and inflatable Emperor K'Empec(?!? My God. I didn't know they still made them!). Along the way, Pulaski made disparaging remarks about the cleanliness of the corridors and indiscipline of the crew. When I objected to this, she said dismissively: "Yeah, yeah, sure baldy. Don't worry, I'll soon have this ship running properly. You just mind your place and we'll get along fine."

Bloody nerve!

Things didn't get any better when we reached Sickbay. First she ran her finger-tips over all of the surfaces, whilst grimacing a lot. Then the cheeky cow asked if I'd brought her to the ship's museum by mistake! I retorted rather stiffly that Beverly had never had any complaints. Pulaski roared with laughter and said: "That's not what she's telling everybody at Starfleet Medical!" She added that it is now a "well known fact" that I think the Female Orgasm is an alien life-form! Huh! Flaming cheek! I mean everyone knows it's a Masonic Lodge on Angel One!

Anyway, just as I was about to take my phaser to the old bag, in walked Lieutenant Worf, and the most peculiar thing happened. Suddenly, Bag-of Spanners Pulaski went all... well... gooey. And the next thing I knew, she was smooching up to Klingon-breath, fluttering her eyelashes and cooing: "Oh. Captain, why didn't you tell me you had a sexy Klingon on board? I simply adore Klingons, they're so rough and masculine and masterful."

Yes. And smelly.

Then to make matters worse. Worf started SNIFFING her ARM-PITS!! I mean, CHRIST!! I've never seen ANYTHING so DISGUSTING In all my life!! Well... apart from Riker's beer-gut, of course.

Anyway, just as I was about to vomit, not to mention reprimand Lieutenant Worf for keeping his phaser in his trouser pocket (at least I think it was his phaser), Data came trotting in with a report. Doctor Pulaski immediately recoiled, screaming: "Oh my God, an android!! Keep the filthy thing away from me!!" She then crossed herself, produced a string of garlic and a crucifix from her luggage, and attempted to fend off the Lieutenant Commander with them. Data seemed rather perplexed by this, and asked if he had done anything to offend the lady.

I enquired of Doctor Pulaski if she was, by any chance, prejudiced against androids in some way. “Prejudiced?” she shrieked. “Prejudiced? Good God, no! No, whatever makes you think that? Why should I be prejudiced against it just because it’s mere existence is a satanic obscenity and a crime against nature?”

She then proceeded to call Lieutenant Commander Data a “creepy machine”; implied that he was part of a technologists conspiracy against humanity, and just waiting for the chance to murder us all in our beds using a variety of blunt kitchen utensils; and finally voiced her opinion that he should be gassed, hanged, burnt, disassembled and then atomised for good measure - whereupon she produced a can of petrol from her suitcase, liberally doused Mr. Data with its contents, and set him alight. Data's response was to state that he found this “most intriguing.” Stupid tin sod.

Fortunately myself and Mr. Worf managed to extinguish the flames, and then retreated from the room under a barrage of heavy medical equipment hurled by Doctor Pulaski.

As we got to cover, I noticed a strange gleam in Lieutenant Worf's eye. When I questioned him about this, he explained: “With respect, sir... that is my kind of woman. She is what Klingons would call... a horny bitch, sir.” He then excused himself, saying he had to go and attend to something that had just come up.

I retired to my Ready Room for a lie down. I think I feel one of my headaches coming on. The last I heard of Pulaski, she'd got blitzed in Ten-Forward, beaten Commander Riker in an arm-wrestling contest, and was now standing on the bar singing ‘Four and Twenty Virgins'.

Lieutenant Worf has now been occupying the ships only functioning toilet cubicle for five hours, and crewmembers queuing outside report hearing strange grunting noises from within, while Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher has complained of the theft of a copy of ‘Red-Hot Klingon Lesbians Do It In A Vat of Klaebian Industrial Lubricant’ from his quarters.

I wonder if it's too late to apply for a transfer back to theStargazer?


STARDATE 42072.9

Doctor Pulaski's first day on duty.

Well what can I say? The phrase "absolute fucking disaster" springs most readily to mind.

I was first alerted to the fact that something was amiss when Lieutenant Castrelli staggered onto the bridge and hid under Commander Riker's chair. Since Castrelli has been encased from head to foot in plaster for the last month, ever since breaking his neck, his legs, hisback and all his ribs on Tagiatelli III. I was naturally a little surprised to see him up and about, and asked what was wrong. Lieutenant Castrelli replied: “Oh God, oh God, please don't give me away. I'm safe here so long she doesn't find me.” He then proceeded to gibber.

I went immediately to Sickbay, along the way finding the corridors littered with Sickbay patients, all in a state of collapse. Recognising Lieutenant Wright, who was due for a heart bypass op this afternoon, I asked him what had happened. He replied that Doctor Pulaski had sent all her patients on a five-mile jog, on the grounds that this would be good for them! Lieutenant Wright then made a peculiar gurgling noise, went into a convulsion, and DIED!!

Upon arrival in Sickbay. I found Doctor Pulaski with her feet up on her desk and a bottle of Romulan Ale clutched in her hand! I politely enquired what the bloody hell she thought she was doing filling my Starship with stiffs! She replied: “How the hell am I supposed to do my job with all these goddamn malingerers getting under my feet all day?” She added that “you've got to be vicious to be kind.” When I pointed out that the proverb is actually “You've got to be cruel to be kind”, Pulaski shrugged and said: "Well, you do things your way, baldy..."

On the way our I found Albert Philosan, 137 year old father of Lieutenant Philosan and a patient in our geriatric unit, polishing the floor! He explained he was acting on "Doctor Pulaski's orders", and added that the doctor didn’t believe in "mollycoddling" her patients. Once outside I heard Pulaski yelling at him that she expected to be able to see her face in those tiles - and if she couldn't, she would - quote - "take a surgical phaser" to his prostate gland.


STARDATE 42073.1

Doctor Ferengi Face called a conference at 0900 hours. Apparently Big Tits Troi is up the duff. As soon as this was announced, all present turned and looked at Riker, while Ensign Crusher burst into tears and ran from the room.

I asked Counselor Troi who the father was. She replied with some cock and bull story about an alien presence invading her body last night. I asked if this alien presence had a beard. At this, Troi also burst into tears and ran from the room. Dozy Betazoid tart.

Passing Riker's quarters later. I heard sobbing. then Riker saying: "But darling, you know you're the only one for me." I knocked loudly on Riker's door, and demanded to know if he had a sheep in his quarters again. This provoked a flurry of clattering and banging before a rather flustered-looking Riker opened the door.

Fortunately for him, I was wrong - he had a woman with him. He explained that they had some "personal business' to sort out, so I left them to it. I must say, though. Riker's taste is women is really going to the dogs. This one had HAIRY LEGS!! In fact she could almost have been Wesley wearing a dress and one of his mother's wigs!!

Troi got jammed in the Turbolift doors tonight. It took five hours to extricate her - still, LaForge says it's good practice for if Commander Riker gets any bigger. I can't help thinking there's something weird about Deanna's pregnancy. I mean I know I'm only a layman, but surely it isn't normal for women who're only one day pregnant to have such a huge bulge that they get jammed in Turbolift doorways?


STARDATE 42973.2

It is my pleasant duty to record that Ship's Counselor Deanna Troi gave birth at 0900 hours today to a bouncing 8 year old boy.

Now call me old-fashioned, but I did think that was a teensy bit odd. Went to consult Pulaski, and found her disinfecting the whole of Sickbay. When I asked why, she hissed: "Because that bastard android has been here." She continued: "He was at the birth, you know. Watching. Seeing how it's done. So that when the time is right, they can take over!". She then launched into a long speech, the gist of which was that "these bloody androids" come "over here", they "take our jobs and our women", they "smell of engine grease" and, basically, "should all be sent back to where they came from". I asked if she didn't find Trot's pregnancy a little odd. Pulaski shrugged, said "Search me", and asked if the bar was open. When I persisted, she exploded "Oh for God's sake, if it bothers you that much I'll do some tests! Now get out!"

On my way out of Sickbay, I spotted Lieutenant Worf sneaking in the back way clutching a bunch of flowers and a book of Klingon Love Poetry. When he saw me, he blushed bright pink and said they were for Lieutenant Damato.

I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Either Worf is lying or something very strange is going on. I mean... Lieutenant Damato is six foot three with tattoos and a beard! She's the ugliest woman I've ever seen in my life.

Come to think of it, she'd suit Worf down to the ground.


STARDATE 42073.3

It is my sad duty to report that Ian Andrew Troi, Deanna's recently-born son, today departed this life. After a morning being examined by Pulaski, he suddenly announced that he couldn't take another minute of this, transformed himself into pure energy and departed via the nearest window, pausing only to explain that he was really an alien entity who'd wanted to find out what it was like to be human. He added that if Katherine Pulaski was, typical of the species, then we could - quote "stick humanity up [our] arses". Riker said he'd tried that already, and Wesley sniggered. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Albert Philosan was today found dead in sickbay, face down in a bucket of flash. This brings the fatalities since Pulaski's arrival to one hundred and two, nine of which were suicides, including 8-year-old Tommy McGee, who cut his finger in school, and then slashed his wrists rather than face going to Sickbay.

Feeling depressed, so I went to talk to Guinan. She just smiled sweetly, told me she was sure I was exaggerating, said I should try to understand Pulaski more, and then added that there is good in everybody if you look deep enough.

Told Guinan she was talking bollocks, and went to bed. Honestly, that woman gets on my tits sometimes, she's so damned serene and reasonable. I wouldn't mind, but she's only aboard because of she's got eight-by-ten holo-glossies of me rogering the wife of the Federation President!

With a Tribble.


STARDATE 42073.4

Thirty-two deaths today. The Enterprise now has the highest suicide rate in the whole of Starfleet.

Lieutenant Commander Data reports that person or persons unknown has spray canned “DIE SCUM” and "YELLOW-EYED BASTARDS GO HOME" across the door of his quarters.

Q turned up tonight, dressed as Mad King Ludwig XII. I was almost pleased to see him. He said he'd just been passing and had decided to kidnap one of my crew, told him he could take Doctor Pulaski with my compliments. Q suddenly turned very pale, and said: "Pulaski? Katherine Pulaski? The Katherine Pulaski? She's here?" I confirmed that this was so. Q immediately crossed himself, announced that he'd obviously got the wrong Starship, apologised profusely for intruding, and departed as fast as his Q-flash would carry him, claiming that he had an important appointment in another universe.

Pity. For a moment there I had my hopes up.


STARDATE 42073.5

Guinan tried to hang herself today. Fortunately LaForge stopped her. Good job too, we'd be in schtuck without her - she's the only one who knows the identity of our hash supplier.

It turned out that she'd just met Pulaski for the first time - in fact she's endured three hours of the woman! When I reached Ten-Forward she was in a terrible state. "Jean-Luc, you have got of get rid of that woman!!” she said. “She is not human! She is the devil incarnate! And if you say 'I told you so'. I'll disembowel you with my hat!!”

I told her so. Well, perhaps this'll teach her a lesson. Smug cow.


STARDATE 42073.6

It seems Worf has finally worked out what an old hag his intended is. He was seen entering her quarters at 1500 hours. Ten minutes later we heard the sounds of splintering wood and smashing glass coming from inside, followed by the sound of Worf and Pulaski screaming obscenities at each other. Within seconds a crush had formed in the corridor, and Riker had sealed off the area and was selling admission tickets to the crew! I also caught Data running a sweepstake! This was a direct violation of regulations, and I severely reprimanded him. However, since he was offering, in his own words, "very good odds on the frosty-faced cow getting pulverised. Captain", I had a little flutter myself.

Worf emerged at 1700 hours, with his uniform in tatters and a big grin on his face. The crew gave him a round of applause. Unfortunately. Pulaski appeared two seconds later. ALIVE and UNMARKED! Oh... damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!!

Went to my Ready Room and had a good cry.


STARDATE 42073.7

LaForge says the damage to Pulaski's quarters will take fifteen weeks to put right. The place looks like a photon torpedo has hit it. Also there's a strange sticky substance adhering to the walls, which so far has defied analysis.

Summoned Mr. Worf to my Ready Room and severely reprimanded him, saying that whilst I appreciate his feelings towards Doctor Pulaski, I could not countenance the wilful destruction of Starfleet property. At this Worf exploded: "Captain, I protest. This is a clear violation of my Civil rights! You have no authority to interfere with my sex-life!"

Sex-life?!? Oh my God.

Worf continued: "I have the right, laid down, in regulations,to express my sexuality in any way - in this case hurling heavy objects, a traditional Klingon expression of love!"

Hmm. I think Mama and Papa must have had Klingon blood in them somewhere. They were always hurling heavy objects at each other.

I apologised to Worf, and dismissed him. As he left he asserted that Doctor Pulaski was a fine woman whom he deeply loved, and who quote - "bangs like a holodeck door during a computer fault."

As soon as he was gone. I was violently sick into my tropical fish. I mean, dear God... WORF! And PULASKI!! It doesn't bear THINKING about!

And I shudder to think what the stuff on the walls is!


EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point the log entries give way to a series of Sub-Space Communications between the USS Enterprise and Starfleet Medical. They are here reproduced verbatim and in chronological order:


Dearest Beverly - Please come home. Yours always - Jean -Luc

Jean-Luc - No - Beverly.

Dearest sweet lambikins - Please, please come home. I am dying without you. Yours on-bended-knee - Jean-Luc.

Jean-Luc - No! And stop sending these stupid communications! – Beverly.

Light of my life, please come home. I promise I won't ever ask you to shave it again. My existence is meaningless without you, say yes my beloved - Jean-Luc.

Jean-Luc - For the last time, will you take no for an answer. You have no understanding of my needs as a woman, and I refuse to submit to your revolting maulings ever again - Beverly.
P.S. Your last message made me physically sick.

Beverly - I take it that's a no then? - Jean -Luc.

Jean-Luc - ooh, ooh, ROMEO!! Not now!! Can't you see I'm on Sub-Space? I... ooh... Jean-Luc, listen... aah... for the last time will you leave me alone... aah... no, not you, Romeo... ooh... I'm not coming... oh God, I am, I am... I'm not coming home Jean-Luc... and that's f-final... oh, God, down a bit, down a bit, THAT'S IT!!! - Beverly.

Beverly - Please yourself then, you old rat- - Jean-Luc.
P.S. By the way, I've had better shags out of my inflatable Admiral Uhura than I ever got from you.


STARDATE 42074.1


Now calm down, Jean-Luc, breathe deeply and relax. Think calm, that's it.


D'you know what she said to me?!? What she had the bloody nerve to say to ME?!??

When I went down to Sickbay to demand an explanation of how Lieutenant Commander Data came to be tarred and feathered in his quarters last night!!! She said. SHE SAID.... "OKAY. KEEP YOUR HAIR ON"!!!!!!

"KEEP YOUR HAIR ON!!!! TO ME!!!! THE BLOODY BLOODY BITCH!! Well, that does It. I've been patient. I've been tolerant. But this is my limit. My patience is exhausted.