The Secret Log of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Episode 1

Translated and transcribed from the original coded French by Tim Munro © 1989

This now also available to download as a free narrated audiobook MP3

For too long, the world has been deceived. Through the series Star Trek - The Next Generation, we have all been led to believe that life in the 24th Century will be one long round of adventure in a disciplined and civilized Universe. However, we at Star Begotten are now in possession of documents which shoot to pieces the cosy image of life aboard the USS Enterprise. These documents, transported from the 24th Century via the now fabled SB office time warp, cast new light on the crew's relationships and day-to-day life...

Stardate 41799.7

A bad day. I had gone to the Holodeck to investigate reports that person or persons unknown had programmed in a Roman orgy populated by 53 sex-crazed Tasha Yars smothered in Golden Syrup. I actually found the damn thing programmed with a Barbara Cartland novel (I suspect Lt Worf may be responsible for this).

While I was in there, the bloody computer fucked up again and I spent the next seventeen hours being pursued by a chaste virginal blonde with moist quivering lips, and a sturdy broad-chested man with dark gypsy eyes and rough, masculine hands.

Eventually rescued by LaForge. He told me the Holodeck malfunction had been caused by electrical overload in Data's quarters. Have told Data that if he tries shagging the mains socket in his quarters one more time, I will personally see him demoted to latrine duty on the USS Obsolete!!

Stardate 41800.2

Bloody Q turned up again today. His latest "jolly wheeze" was to assume the form of a 20th Century alleged "comedian" named Bernard Manning and materialize in front of the  Enterprise while we were bombing along at Warp 6! LaForge says it will take at least 37 days to get the dent out of the saucer section.

Stardate 41801.7

Visited Holodeck again. Somebody has programmed it with a Roman orgy populated by 53 sex-crazed Tasha Yars smothered in Golden Syrup!!! This is disgusting! Spent approximately six hours... er... clearing the mess up.

Toilets malfunctioned: it seems that only one loo is now operational... at least, that's what Riker said when I caught him sharing a cubicle with Wesley...

Stardate 41802.3

Caught Ensign Crusher coming out of the Holodeck covered in Golden Syrup and other suspicious stains. He insists that it was Riker who set up the Roman orgy program. Went to his quarters to sort this out, but he was occupied.

I must remind Riker that it is against Starfleet Regulations to have sheep in one's quarters... unless, of course, one is an Admiral.

Stardate 41803.3

Assembled whole crew and announced that I did not think it was at all funny to program the Holodeck with 53 sex-crazed facsimiles of the ship's security chief. Unfortunately most of the crew were unaware of this incident until I mentioned it and there was a stampede of all hands towards the Holodeck. None of them managed to get, though, because Lt Yar reached the Holodeck ahead of them and locked the door. Was witnessed leaving five hours later looking, "rather disheveled, but contented." Ah well, if we put up with the forms of dress adopted by certain members of the crew....

Stardate 41804.7

Starfleet has lost contact with the outpost on Eijel 7 and we have been sent to investigate. We found Eijel 7 ripped asunder by firestorms and littered with hideously mutilated corpses and people dying in excruciating agony.

Asked Troi for her opinion. She said. "I detect great pain and suffering, Captain" Stupid Betazoid tart! She should be on Mastermind, that! Counselor Deanna Troi; specialist subject: the bleedin' obvious!!

Stardate 41805.2

Q again!! He tried the old "temptation" ploy - the one that failed miserably last time! This time he offered Wesley the chance to lose his virginity with any woman of his choice. Despite the suspicious look of extreme expectation on the face of Lt Yar, Ensign Crusher declined the offer and replied that he loved Commander Riker and wished to stay aboard the Enterprise in order to have his babies.

I am starting to worry about young Wesley: a mega-genius and Starfleet Academy candidate, yet nobody's taught him elementary biology!

Q went off in a huff...

Stardate 41806.23

Found Wesley and Riker in a cupboard. They said they were familiarising themselves with all aspects of the ship's design.

Visited Holodeck. Asked for Dixon Hill, but got Benny Hill instead and then the doors jammed again. Spent thirteen hours being chased by leggy blonde women wearing only impractical underwear and Henry McGee dressed as a traffic warden. Rescued by LaForge just as Mr Hill was slapping my head for the 237th time! For some obscure reason he seemed to find this amusing.

Found Riker teaching Ensign Crusher elementary first aid in the Turbolift. They'd just reached the Kiss of Life. Wesley seemed commendably keen on this part of his officer's training..

Stardate 41807.3

Our big day - a tour of inspection by the 130 year-old Starfleet veteran, Admiral James T Kirk, who commanded the Enterprise cruiser 78 years ago.

It was an absolute bloody disaster.

Admiral Kirk beamed in with his rocket-propelled commode. For some peculiar reason, he wears a Tribble on his head. Spent entire visit desperately trying not to mention this and glaring at sniggering crew members. Tribble pissed down Kirk's face twice and he didn't notice!!

Introduced the Admiral to some of my Bridge Crew. On meeting Counselor Troi he "accidentally" dropped his phaser down the front of her dress and insisted on retrieving it personally.

Five hours later, we began the tour.

Started in Engineering, where I introduced the Admiral to Lt Worf. Kirk flew into a hysterical rage, called Worf a '"Klingon Bastard" and raved about his son for the best part of an hour!

Well how was I supposed to know that his son got murdered by Klingons?!? Christ, it was 58 years ago - you'd think the stupid old git would've got over it by now!! Stopped off in the canteen. Admiral Kirk proceeded to eat the Kestari ambassador, who we were supposed to be transporting to Sentor V!! Riker suggests taking a lamb chop to Sentor V; after all, nobody can tell the difference. In fact, some people say you'd get better conversation out of a lamb chop.

Next stop - sickbay. I must say Beverley coped very well with the Admiral's phaser-down-the-blouse trick...

Showed Kirk round the Bridge. He wasn't impressed with Data - suggested we get "a sexy Vulcan instead," then demanded to know why female crew members weren't in mini-skirts and appeared to be doing non-menial jobs! I explained my belief in female equality. Kirk laughed and said, "All these feminists need is a good shagging!"

Discussed the Prime Directive, which Kirk says was a lot simpler in his day. Apparently it used to read: "Shoot the slimey bastards before they shoot you!" Noticing Welsey in his dress uniform, Kirk muttered: "In my day, men like that were gassed... unless they were in the command structure, of course."

Just as I thought nothing else could go wrong, Q materialised, dressed as Napoleon. He took one look at Kirk and said: "Hey, Picard, who's the ugly old fart with the Tribble on his head?" Admiral Kirk screamed the place down and jetted off the Bridge in a towering rage, saying this was the worst run, most ill-disciplined Starship he'd ever set wheels on and he would personally see me demoted to toilet attendant on the USS Obsolete.

Q buggered off before I could have a word with him - that entity has no conception of what is not acceptable behaviour when we have guests.

Introduced the Admiral to Tasha. He "lost" his phaser again... Last I heard, he was still in Intensive Care at Starfleet Medical and hadn't regained consciousness...