The Secret Log of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Episode 2
Translated and transcribed from the original coded French by Tim Munro © 1989
This now also available to download as a free narrated audiobook MP3
Of all the mysteries which have troubled the scholars of the history of the United Federation of Planets Starship 'Enterprise', none has proved more mystifying than the disappearance for a whole year of Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher. Until now, the exact reasons for her absence have been unknown. However, newly discovered documents, which recently fell though a timewarp from the 24th century, throw staggering new light on the whole affair, and suggest that our entire picture of 24th century life may have to be reassessed. What follows is an exact translation of this exciting and shocking discovery...
This is absolutely the worst bloody day of my entire sodding career. In fact if things carry on like this I've a good mind to jack in my Starfleet commission and go back to that dreary vineyard and my bastard brother. At least there I get to shag that fruity bint he married... whereas here I am now stuck without a single willing woman within ten light years. Except Troi, of course, but she's besotted with Commander 'Rather a Wally' Riker.
Anyway... where was I? Oh yes... our troubles began when I received notification that the head of Starfleet Medical, Doctor Romeo Shaggem, would be beaming aboard to make a tour of inspection. Fine, I thought. Nothing wrong with that. And like the idiot I am, I assembled a welcoming party consisting of myself, Riker, Worf... and Beverly.
AAAGGGHHHHHH!!! WHY!?! WHY DIDN'T I REMEMBER???? Dear God, how did I forget?!? I mean, Romeo Shaggem was in MY YEAR at Starfleet Academy! He was bloody notorious! You name it, he screwed it! Anything in a skirt... which led to some damned embarrassing incidents on full dress uniform occasions, I can tell you! Nobody in their right mind could forget Shaggem... and yet I, Jean-Luc Picard, wally of the universe and first class dickhead, virtually served up my totty to him on a plate! I must be going soft in the head!
Needless to say, I recognised the lecherous little git the minute he materialised in the transporter. In fact he gives me the same feeling of dread I get whenever I pass a tar-pit. Unfortunately by that time it was already too late. Before I could even order Chief O'Brien to 'accidentally' hit the molecular scatter control, Romeo had bounded off the transporter pad and was pinning Beverly... MY Beverly... to the wall.
"Hey, doll," he leered, rummaging in her uniform, "What's a gorgeous chick like you doing with old Baldy Picard?"
He's still got all his hair, the bastard. And he's a year older than I am!! I must ask Admiral Kirk where he gets his tribbles.
Ahem... anyway... Romeo then said, "Okay, babe. Let's you and me go down to Sick Bay so's I can examine your equipment in comfort. If you're really lucky, you might even get to handle my tricorder. Know what I mean?"
And with that, he whisked Beverly off into Sick Bay, security locked the door, and that was the last we saw of them for nine hours!
Sat on the bridge and fumed. Troi told me she sensed "great joy and pleasure" coming from Sick Bay. Told Troi that she was a stupid Betazoid tart, and that I had every intention of selling her to the Ferengi at the first opportunity.
Troi went off in tears. Silly cow.
Took a stroll down to Sick Bay. Found Riker and Ensign Crusher earwigging at the door. Wesley was looking very puzzled and remarked to Commander Riker that, quote, "She never makes noises like that with me". I sent them both packing with a flea in their ears. If there's one thing I will not tolerate, it's prying into the private affairs of other crewmembers.
Listened at the door for an hour. Sod it - Wesley was right.
Returned to the bridge in a towering rage, just in time to witness a mysterious alien vessel turn up, and to hear its pilot, some purple tosser with his scrotum on his head, hail us. It was the usual rubbish, of course... something about some daft treaty with the Federation etc etc. In other words. the same boring old crap we've heard a thousand times before, and I'm afraid I rather lost my rag over it. In fact I ordered Mr. Worf to "blow the purple motherfuckers away."
Ah well... If anyone asks, we can always say the Romulans did it.
Anyway, it was about then that Beverly and Romeo emerged from Sick bay, looking dishevelled, covered in suspicious stains, and with Beverly carrying a packed suitcase! When I demanded to know what was going on, Romeo elbowed me in the ribs and leered, "She's coming with me, Baldy. Know what I mean"
When I asked Beverly to explain, she said, "I'm sorry, Jean-Luc. Romeo has offered me a very interesting new position at Starfleet Medical."
Yes, I bet he has. The bastard!
So... the next thing I know, they're on the transporter pad, ready to leave! I did ask Romeo what the hell I was supposed to do for a Chief Medical Officer from now on, but he just pointed at Worf and said, "Get Bum Features there to do it." Needless to say I tried to protest, but by then Chief O'Brien had already energized and they were beaming out. Beverly's last words to me were Goodbye, Jean-Luc. It's been fun. Oh... by the way l 've been faking it. See you!"
Oh my God, and I've just realised... she's LEFT US with WEASLEY!! Oh, the bitch! The utter, utter BITCH!!!
Dashed up to the bridge and fired a photon torpedo at Romeo's departing ship. Heh heh heh. I knocked out his warp engines, it'll take him months to get home. I suppose Starfleet will kick up a fuss, but who gives a shit - I'm prepared to take full responsibility.
If anyone asks, I'll say the Klingons did it.
Passing Beverly's old room tonight, I heard some very odd noises. Investigating, I discovered Ensign Crusher on Beverly's bed, minus his trousers. Further investigation revealed Commander Riker hiding under the bed, stark naked and clutching the aforementioned trousers. Riker explained that he had been checking for concealed Romulan spies, and had taken off his uniform to minimise friction between himself and the bed. He further explained that he had intended using Ensign Crusher's pants to tie up any Romulans he might find.
Hmmm... I must say, I'm not entirely convinced. Riker knows as well as I do that Romulans never hide under beds. With those shoulder pads, they can only hide in cupboards. I hope my First Officer isn't secretly in with the Tomeloks.
Ah well... must go now. Admiral Hansen is waiting for me on sub-space. Something about war unexpectedly breaking out with the Purple Scrotheads of Anaconda V. Apparently they sent an unarmed science vessel to make a friendly contact with the Federation today, and some twit of a Starship captain blew the poor sods away. I bet it was Maxwell....