The Secret Log of Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Translated and transcribed from the original coded French by Tim Munro

Originally appearing the the fanzine Star Begotten, in October 1989, and then migrating to Private Lives, as run by our very own Tony Gallichan. We hope to locate the second episode and will put it here as soon as we can. A big thank you to Tim Munro and Nick Cooper of Star Begotten who have given us permission to reprint these masterpieces.

One cold, wet winters evening an Episode found its way to Page's Bar in London. A few people liked it (it was always the most popular part of Private Lives) but at least one lady there was outraged that we could take the pee out of her beloved Riker... so, there we have it, proof that there are sorrier specimens out there than us!

We hope you enjoy this, it makes us laugh every time.

Episode 1: Stardate 41799.7
For too long, the world has been deceived. Through the series Star Trek - The Next Generation, we have all been led to believe that life in the 24th Century will be one long round of adventure in a disciplined and civilized Universe. However, we at Star Begotten are now in possession of documents which shoot to pieces the cosy image of life aboard the USS Enterprise. These documents, transported from the 24th Century via the now fabled SB office time warp, cast new light on the crew's relationships and day-to-day life...
Episode 2: Stardate 42000.1
Of all the mysteries which have troubled the scholars of the history of the United Federation of Planets Starship 'Enterprise', none has proved more mystifying than the disappearance for a whole year of Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher. Until now, the exact reasons for her absence have been unknown. However, newly discovered documents, which recently fell though a timewarp from the 24th century, throw staggering new light on the whole affair, and suggest that our entire picture of 24th century life may have to be reassessed...
Episode 3: Stardate 42000.2
The United Federation of Planets is at war with the Purple Scrotheads of Anaconda V. Doctor Beverly Crusher has eloped with Romeo Shaggem, the head of Starfleet Medical. The U.S.S. Enterprise is thus without a Chief Medical Officer...
Episode 4: Stardate 42072.8
Doctor Beverly Crusher has eloped with Romeo Shaggem, the head of Starfleet Medical. A new CMO has been assigned to the Enterprise.
Episode 5: Stardate 42186.2
Doctor Beverley Crusher has eloped with Romeo Shaggem, the head of Starfleet Medical. Relations between her replacement, Doctor Katherine Pulaski, and Captain Picard have reached rock bottom. In fact, he has decided to kill her.
Episode 6: Stardate 42286.2
Doctor Beverly Crusher has eloped with the Head of Starfleet Medical, Doctor Romeo Shaggem. Her replacement, Doctor Kate Pulaski, is so appalling that Captain Picard has been forced to resort to desperate measures...