Chief Inspector Grey-um:
The Dead of Lower Futon
Arresting the mind of Adam J Purcell
Meet Detective Chief Inspector Grey-um, a hard drinking police detective who likes word search puzzles, being grumpy, bad novelty music and especially solving murders.
But who is this coming into Grey-um's office? It's the one and only other member of CID, Detective Sergeant Velma Dinkley. It looks like she has some bad news.
"There has been a murder, sir!" exclaims Dinkley.
"Another murder on our patch, Dinkley?" asks Grey-um. "It's almost as regular as a TV schedule around here. Quick, to my car..."
Like many great detectives, Grey-um likes to own a quirky and distinctive classic vehicle in which to zoom around his manor (Adam's house). Those unfortunate to be passed are currently hearing the irritating tones of Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap You Face' blaring out of Grey-um's speakers.
Here we are at the crime scene, in the wrong end of town (just below the seats in the TV room), and there's PC Randy (the Roman centurion) trying to keep the gawpers at bay.
PC Randy clearly hasn't recognised Grey-um but then Randy was always excruciatingly stupid and is never likely to get that promotion to sergeant he wants.
"Move along, there's nothing to see here." says Randy to Grey-um.
"It's me, Grey-um, you incompetent, uncultured oaf. Let me see the body."
"Don't mind him, Randy, he's still getting over what happened recently - when his new girlfriend turned out to be the murderer of the week. Again." soothes Dinkley.
There's the body. If Grey-um is looking a little greyer than usual, that's because he's uncommonly squeemish for a detective. He also knows the victim.
"It's Cyril the Cyberman. His head's been taken clean off. It's a tragedy, Dinkley..." emotes Grey-um.
"Who found the body?" Grey-um asks PC Randy.
"Vampire Willow but she ran just as you were arriving."
"Jinkies! She's the local Tom, sir. Must have been worried you'd run her in." explains Dinkley to Grey-um. "She's probably just hiding around the corner, this is her normal street, after all."
They're quickly stuffing Cyril's lifeless body into the empty battery compartment of Grey-um's ship before searching the area for crime scene fleeing Vampire Willow.
It looks like Dinkley was right, they've managed to trap the ferral beast and she's started to talk.
"I just found him like that. Didn't see no one. And no, I didn't really know him, though I've seen him around a few times. Nothing else I can tell you." pleads Vampire Willow.
As it typical for Grey-um, he has no leads and so has decided to return to his office to drink until inspiration hits.
As is also typical, Grey-um's boss, Chief Superintendent Naked Tom Baker, has stormed in and wants results.
"I want results, Grey-um. Results!" insists Naked Tom Baker, before storming off again.
"It's no good, sir," says Dinkley, "We'll have to talk to your snout."
Grey-um isn't happy about this but he knows that Dinkley is right. So it's downstairs to the living room for them both, for now they must meet The Head of Pertwee.
"What's the word on the street, Head of Pertwee?" Grey-um asks as he turns down the Timmy Mallett version of 'Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' and hands the Head of Pertwee his customary payment - a chocolate bar.
"Cyril is dead. Unlike me, he didn't survive the decapitation. It's mind over matter, you know." says The Head of Pertwee.
"Tell me something I don't know, something useful." insists Grey-um as he wafts the chocolate under the cavernous nostils of The Head of Pertwee.
"Relax, copper. I can't say who did it but Cyril had recently taken up with that Evil Gang, the one run by Fascist Spock. Also they're in some kind of battle against the Doctor's gang. But it may be neither of them, there's talk of a rogue element, too." confides The Head of Pertwee.
"A rogue element?" Grey-um asks.
"I can say no more." The Head of Pertwee says with a note a finality.
"That Fascist Spock and his gang are nutters, sir. How about we talk to the Doctor first?" Dinkley says hopefully.
"My thoughts exactly, Dinkley. After another drink..." says Grey-um.
With a few more drinks in his wobbly belly, Grey-um and Dinkley are now outside the TARDIS, knocking on the door. Ah look, it's Amy Pond come to let them inside (though a bit of a squeeze for blubbery Grey-um).
Of course we now find ourselves inside the TARDIS and while it is slightly bigger on the inside it's still rather overcrowded!
"What is this between you and Fascist Spock?" asks Grey-um of the Doctor.
"Well, they are evil, aren't they? I waggle my screwdriver at evil!" says the Doctor.
"What about Cyril, the Cyberman. Did you waggle it at him? To death?" demands Dinkley.
"What? No, of course not. We don't kill people, do we gang?" asks the Doctor.
"No, we just make sure they are hoist on their own petard!" says Amy enthusiastically.
Grumpily Grey-um has decided there's nothing more to gain from this lot and has turned to leave. But what's this? Rory, looking a little nervous, has slipped Grey-um a note...
The note says: "We've had an anonymous tip that Spock and the Evil Gang are going to be up at Nativity Hill tonight, so we're going to be there first and get the drop on them!"
After another quick drink at the office, Grey-um and Dinkley are, against their better judgement, on their way to visit Fascist Spock and his Evil Gang.
"Your visiting us is illogical, Inspector. You know we don't talk to the likes of you, being a dirty grass is doubly illogical, but I will say this: we did not kill Cyril." says Spock.
"So he was part of your gang? When did you last see him?" asks Grey-um.
"That would be talking to you but if it will get you off our back I will say this: we thought we were being followed, so Cyril hung back to deal with them. Next thing we know, people are saying someone knocked his block off. Fascinating, isn't it?"
So maybe the Head of Pertwee was right and neither gang was behind Cyril's death?
Satisfied he'd get no more from Spock or his cronies, Grey-um goes to leave but Wilbo the Weevil siddles up to him and secretly offers a note...
The note says: "An anonymous tip says that the Doctor and his gang are going to Nativity Hill tonight, so we're going to get there first and knobble them!"
Grey-um and Dinkley have returned to the office, for another drink and to keep their boss in the loop.
"So there we have it - it sounds like someone is setting them up to wipe each other out and maybe they want the survivors for themselves." Grey-um is explaining to the Naked Tom Baker.
"I can't spare you any uniformed officers, I'm afraid. It will just have to be the two of you in the final act, as per usual. Do you have any clues as to who this mystery murderer might be?" the Naked Tom Baker asks.
"No, probably some cheap trick of it being someone we haven't previously seen." groused Grey-um.
"Well get out there, Grey-um, and feel some collar!" orders the Naked Tom Baker.
Here we are on Nativity Hill but it looks like each gang has already arrived. Poor little Amelia must be tired, it's a very late night for her, as Amy and Rory have put her to bed - right in the manger! Look at cowardly Rory, he always was a pathetic specimen and in no way deserving of Amy! Don't worry, I'm sure Amy will protect them both, though.
But who's that on the roof? It's Wendy the Weeping Angel! Now all becomes clear. You never can trust a Weeping Angel and she's clearly set this up from the beginning. Wendy must have been seen by Cyril and killed him so he couldn't tell anyone. Isn't that Wendy a naughty girl!
Grey-um and Dinkley are hoving over the scene and it looks like Grey-um is going to jump out and tackle Wendy!
Oh no! Grey-um's missed her and is sliding off the roof! I think he's going to land on Fascist Spock and his gang!
Oh dear, what a mess! All those arms and legs, it's almost impossible to tell which belong to Grey-um, Fascist Spock, Wilbo the Weevil or Sally the Silurian. That will be a lot of accident at work report forms to be filled in.
And look out, is that Wendy about to take advantage of the confusion and jump down to kill the Doctor and his gang? What on earth can anyone do?
It's Dinkley, here to save the day!
Excellent work, Dinkley! Wendy the Weeping Angel has been captured. Now to wrap up the case.
Before they go back to the station, Grey-um has noticed that Amy appears to be impersonating a Police Officer. Again. The punishment for this is a smacked bottom! Again! It's almost as if she enjoys it.
All's well that ends well. Chief Inspector Grey-um and Dectective Sergeant Dinkley have solved another murder case. Wendy the Weeping Angel has been brought to justice - to death. All just in time for the closing credits.