Star Trek: DS9 And The Terrifying Tale Of The Wormhole Worm
Written by Karen Dunn
There was a worm whose name was Bob
He had no family, had no job
Just hung around like worms will do
And watched the world go by.
The only difference was this worm
Had never been on terrafirm
But passed his days and nights up in
The wormhole in the sky.
He never harmed a soul did Bob
He wasn't like the other yobs
He never put on moody airs
He didn't feel he'd earned.
He had no time for talking deep
If people came he went to sleep
And sent the other worms away
Their invitations spurned.
Well one day Bob did up and stroll
He left the safety of the hole
He ventured out to take a look
At what there was outside.
And as the wormhole rolled and tumbled
Bob did find that he had stumbled
Out upon a station with
Some little folk inside.
Now, Bob he was a friendly soul
The nicest worm within the hole
And went on over to the craft
To say polite hellos.
And all at once the folk were yelling
Running round and round and telling
Bob to go away before
They phaser fried his nose.
Within the station all was panic
Humans - British and Hispanic -
Running round with Bajor's crowd
To try and find solutions.
And up in Ops our heroes battled
On the comm line Kai Winn prattled
Whining on and on about
This Prophet sent pollution.
Said Dax, "That worm will cause us trouble
We must scare it on the double.
Scare it with out mighty ship
And make it go away.
We have phasers, bright and pretty,
Wasting them would be a pity
Please ban that worm from lurking here
Before it spoils our day."
So Sisko took the ship, Defiant
And chased that worm
Though it was giant.
He chased that worm to Bajor
Then it chased him back again.
He shot at it with all his phasers
Bright and white
Like flying razors
Missed the worm completely
And hung his head in shame.
Said Kira, "You're no good at shooting
Let me stick Bajoran boot in.
Let me shoot that worm to bits
I promise not to boast."
And Dax, with freckles all a tingle
Said, "I think you'll find that thing'll
Dodge our phasers every time
Winding on its way sublime
I never really learned to rhyme
In this or any host."
And sure enough that worm evaded
Every single phaser traded
Winding on its lazy way
Towards the station then.
And Sisko on his mighty cruiser
Feeling like a last place loser
Turned and faced his enemy
And chased that worm again.
And though they laboured night and day
They could not chase that worm away.
It would not go
Refused to shift
And Sisko, looking rather miffed
Said, "Right, that's it, I've had enough
It's time we started getting tough.
We need some bigger phaser fire
Upon that worm to rain."
So once again aboard the station
Furrowed brow in concentration
Watched that worm upon the screen
And tried to judge its mood.
And when it turned and started winding
To the station
Sisko in his wisdom said
"I don't think that looks good.
I hereby order every person
Before this situation worsens
Use every means you find at hand
To stop that worm from docking."
So one by one the crew did look
In every cranny, every nook
Illegal moves, threw out the book
(A move they found quite shocking.)
The winding worm then tried to dock
So Kira hit it with a sock.
She hit it with a yellow sock
All nice and clean and frilly.
Said Dax, "We need to do this right
Before that worm gives us a bite.
So put your sock upon your foot
And please stop being silly.
You really are not playing fair
When bringing out your underwear
That's really not the thing to do
Our efforts are refracted."
And Kira hung her head in shame
And promised not to err again
And failed once more to notice that
Poor Odo was distracted.
Said Dax, "The worm is going to bump us -
Either that, or try to hump us.
It must be blind
For we are round
Not long and thin and slimy
Quick, quick, please stop our shields from lagging
Before it gives out hull a shagging
We cleaned the windows just last week
And mustn't get them grimy.
Said Worf, "We could use our torpedoes…
Well known for dampening worm's libidos
Shoot them now
And soon that worm
Will no more want to chase us."
Said Kira, "That would do the trick
Just aim them at its far end, quick!"
And Worf did nod
Did grin and growl
Abandoning the phasers.
Said Worf, "Torpedoes are away!
They've hit the worm, hip hip hooray!"
And Dax did dance and wave her arms
And kiss him on the nose.
And bits of worm did fly akimbo
Tiny wiggly, all in limbo
Sisko frowned and wondered where
The bits they would dispose.
Then down to Quark's they all went running
Begging down on bended knee
"Please take the bits away!"
And Quark did grin and say, "I'll do it!
Believe me, there is nothing to it.
I'll take those little bits of worm
As long as you all pay."
His business ventures did expand
His restaurant became quite grand
And Prophet Banished tube grubs
Was the dish he sold them all.
And people came from far and wide
In every ship that they could ride
To see the worm
To see it fried
And eat it from a bowl.
And as his spirit watched them eating
Mighty Bob did start a-bleating
Wishing time and time again
He'd never left his hole.
(Yeah, okay, so I was in an odd mood..!)