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Excerpts from the Staggering Stories Blog:


Staggering Stories Podcast #276: Whittaker Calling Orson
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 19 Nov 2017 09:15

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith and the Real Keith Dunn discuss Doctor Who subjects such as the Thirteenth Doctor’s costume, the 60s and 70s composer Dudley Simpson and director Paddy Russell, review the second season of Stranger Things, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #204: Babylon 5 – And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Nov 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, inquiring, in front of the Season 5 Babylon 5 episode ‘And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder’, and spout our usual nonsense! Mollari is feeling left out, Lennier has some hot footage and G’Kar wants to guard Londo’s body. But enough of their problems, please […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #275: Business is Business
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 05 Nov 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review Big Finish’s version of the Doctor Who stage play The Ultimate Adventure, the fifth and sixth episodes of Star Trek: Discovery and the new Red Dwarf episode Timewave, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #203 Doctor Who – The Pyramid at the End of the World
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Oct 2017 10:00

Summary: The Doctor is trapped in an even more artificial situation than last week, Bill considers the meaning of consent and the Monks have gained god-like powers in the real world. But enough of their problems, please sit down with us to enjoy The Pyramid at the End of the World… Vital Links: Staggering Stories. […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #274: The Seven Keys to Starbug
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 22 Oct 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Crumbly, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review Big Finish’s version of the Doctor Who stage play The Seven Keys to Doomsday, the third and fourth episodes of Star Trek: Discovery and the new Red Dwarf episodes Cured and Siliconia, find some general […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #202: Babylon 5 – Phoenix Rising
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 Oct 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, roasted, in front of the Season 5 Babylon 5 episode ‘Phoenix Rising’, and spout our usual nonsense! Byron is losing control of more than his flowing locks, Garibaldi has a word with Bester and the rogue telepaths are burning bright. But enough of their […]

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Star Trek

Star Trek: A Starfleet Christmas

Written by Karen Dunn


 

'Twas Christmas time in Starfleet land
The tinsel stuff looked rather grand
The festive balls were sparkling
And the crackers needed pulling.

Out back were bays for shuttlecraft
For starships, sensible and daft,
With stalls for reindeer kept in aft
And pens to put the bull in.

Their host was Quark, his ears a-tingle
Watching as his guests did mingle
Next Gen crew and Station staff
Ganged up on Kirk and Co.

When Janeaway and all her gang
Gave party time that certain bang
And Spock did raise an eyebrow up
And mutter, "Thrice times ho."

"There is no logic in this beard
And bright red shirts are to be feared
I am not jolly or rotund
I cannot fill your stockings."

But Dax did grin and grasp his ear
Said, "Spock, my sweet, come over here"
And whispered words that Vulcan's son
Found curiously shocking.

Behind them Worf did glare and growl
Imagined ways to disembowel
When Torres slunk past on the prowl
And got his senses raring.

And Paris darted past with drinks
Said, "Come on, love, this party stinks
Let's find a cosy cubby hole...
Alone, Worf, I'm not sharing."

Frustrated Klingon hit the booze
Sang songs on tables to amuse
Saw Troi and Riker chatting
And grabbed mistletoe and more.

Said, "Sorry if this seems offhand
But frankly Sir I think you're grand"
Kissed Riker's startled nose and
Passed out cleanly on the floor.

By now the party fun was flowing
McCoy brought booze to keep things going
Challenged all around him
To a game of "down in one".

An hour past and eyes were glazed
And Bones slurred, "God, I'm quite amazed
My whiskey hasn't got you fazed"
Said Data, "That was fun."

"My android system likes this game
My joints will never be the same"
And Bones did growl, "God dammit
I'm a doctor, not a sponge!"

"I didn't know that you're not human
God in heaven boy, I'm fumin'"
Dropped his glass in anger
And across the table lunged.

Kirk and Jean Luc sat and chattered
Watched as android got quite battered
Didn't try to help because
They wondered who would conquer.

And Kirk did laugh and sneer and brag
And Jean Luc said, "Your doctor's bad
But mine is pretty, not a hag
And you don't get to bonk her."

Scotty finally worked up nerve
And offered Crusher an hoeure d'oeve
And asked her for another dance
And twirled her on the floor

And Bev did gulp the starter down
And flourish past him in her gown
Said, "Sorry Scott I'm feeling down"
And bolted for the door.

As Wesley watched his Mom run past
He drained the whiskey from his glass
And tried to put the moves upon
Some woman from the station

And Sisko laughed with Janeaway
They'd shared a joke, what can I say
But found his gaze kept straying
To Uhuru in frustration.

While in the corner Kira turned
And jumped and yelped like she'd been burned
And dropped her glass of wine and then
Smacked Wesley on the nose.

Said, "Touch my butt again, you die"
And smacked him once more in the eye
Picked up a nearby chocolate pie
And wiped it down his clothes.

And finally the worst occurred
Quark shouted loud so all had heard
"The alcohol has gone and all
The nibbles have been downed."

"But should you feel a certain need
To stay and clean up, please feel free"
They left the bar at record speed
And Quark just stood and frowned.

Twas Christmas time in Starfleet land
The tinsel stuff looked rather grand
The festive balls had shattered
And the floor with glass was riddled

Outside the starships pulled away
And Sisko, Kirk and Janeaway
Saw Jean Luc cuffed and hauled away
For flying while he's piddled.

 

The End