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Staggering Stories Podcast #412: Mr Eccleston Goes to IKEA
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 05 Feb 2023 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review the 2001 Christopher Eccleston film ‘The Others’ and Big Finish boxset Doctor Who: The Ninth Doctor Adventures – Hidden Depths, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #411: Slasher Sylvester
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 22 Jan 2023 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith and the Real Keith Dunn review the 2020 Sylvester McCoy film ‘The Owners’ and the 2022 Discworld film ‘The Amazing Maurice’, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:33 — Welcome! 02:32- News: 02:38 — Wednesday: More […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #410: Great Balls of Crystal
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 08 Jan 2023 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare discuss the Doctor Who Christmas and New Year specials, play a game, come up with our Predictions, Hopes and Dreams, and Fears for 2023, see how wrong we were about our Predictions for 2022, find some general news, and a […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #409: Festive Muppetry
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 25 Dec 2022 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review Doctor Who: Blood on Santa’s Claw (Big Finish) and the 1992 film The Muppet Christmas Carol, find some general news, play a game, pull some crackers and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #408: Bacon and Kroll Sandwich
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 11 Dec 2022 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review Doctor Who: The Power of Kroll and the 2022 Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:08 — Welcome! 04:40- News: […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #407: Victorian Mysteries
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 27 Nov 2022 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Big Finish’s The Paternoster Gang: Heritage 2 and the 2022 film Enola Holmes 2, play a Doctor Who game, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:11 — Welcome! 01:52- News: […]

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Star Trek

Star Trek: A Starfleet Christmas

Written by Karen Dunn


 

'Twas Christmas time in Starfleet land
The tinsel stuff looked rather grand
The festive balls were sparkling
And the crackers needed pulling.

Out back were bays for shuttlecraft
For starships, sensible and daft,
With stalls for reindeer kept in aft
And pens to put the bull in.

Their host was Quark, his ears a-tingle
Watching as his guests did mingle
Next Gen crew and Station staff
Ganged up on Kirk and Co.

When Janeaway and all her gang
Gave party time that certain bang
And Spock did raise an eyebrow up
And mutter, "Thrice times ho."

"There is no logic in this beard
And bright red shirts are to be feared
I am not jolly or rotund
I cannot fill your stockings."

But Dax did grin and grasp his ear
Said, "Spock, my sweet, come over here"
And whispered words that Vulcan's son
Found curiously shocking.

Behind them Worf did glare and growl
Imagined ways to disembowel
When Torres slunk past on the prowl
And got his senses raring.

And Paris darted past with drinks
Said, "Come on, love, this party stinks
Let's find a cosy cubby hole...
Alone, Worf, I'm not sharing."

Frustrated Klingon hit the booze
Sang songs on tables to amuse
Saw Troi and Riker chatting
And grabbed mistletoe and more.

Said, "Sorry if this seems offhand
But frankly Sir I think you're grand"
Kissed Riker's startled nose and
Passed out cleanly on the floor.

By now the party fun was flowing
McCoy brought booze to keep things going
Challenged all around him
To a game of "down in one".

An hour past and eyes were glazed
And Bones slurred, "God, I'm quite amazed
My whiskey hasn't got you fazed"
Said Data, "That was fun."

"My android system likes this game
My joints will never be the same"
And Bones did growl, "God dammit
I'm a doctor, not a sponge!"

"I didn't know that you're not human
God in heaven boy, I'm fumin'"
Dropped his glass in anger
And across the table lunged.

Kirk and Jean Luc sat and chattered
Watched as android got quite battered
Didn't try to help because
They wondered who would conquer.

And Kirk did laugh and sneer and brag
And Jean Luc said, "Your doctor's bad
But mine is pretty, not a hag
And you don't get to bonk her."

Scotty finally worked up nerve
And offered Crusher an hoeure d'oeve
And asked her for another dance
And twirled her on the floor

And Bev did gulp the starter down
And flourish past him in her gown
Said, "Sorry Scott I'm feeling down"
And bolted for the door.

As Wesley watched his Mom run past
He drained the whiskey from his glass
And tried to put the moves upon
Some woman from the station

And Sisko laughed with Janeaway
They'd shared a joke, what can I say
But found his gaze kept straying
To Uhuru in frustration.

While in the corner Kira turned
And jumped and yelped like she'd been burned
And dropped her glass of wine and then
Smacked Wesley on the nose.

Said, "Touch my butt again, you die"
And smacked him once more in the eye
Picked up a nearby chocolate pie
And wiped it down his clothes.

And finally the worst occurred
Quark shouted loud so all had heard
"The alcohol has gone and all
The nibbles have been downed."

"But should you feel a certain need
To stay and clean up, please feel free"
They left the bar at record speed
And Quark just stood and frowned.

Twas Christmas time in Starfleet land
The tinsel stuff looked rather grand
The festive balls had shattered
And the floor with glass was riddled

Outside the starships pulled away
And Sisko, Kirk and Janeaway
Saw Jean Luc cuffed and hauled away
For flying while he's piddled.

 

The End