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Staggering Stories Podcast #258: That Osgood and Kate Sound
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Mar 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn discuss possibilities for the next Doctor on Doctor Who, review the first three Big Finish UNIT New Series boxsets, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 01:42 – News: 02:04 — […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #257: Holistic Double Banking
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 26 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss BBC America/Netflix’s ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ and Douglas Adams’ time on Doctor Who, play some games, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:20 — Welcome! 02:14 – No news […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #256: The Double Whammy
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 12 Feb 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller discuss Peter Capaldi’s departure from Doctor Who and the legend that was John Hurt, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:25 — Welcome! 02:09 – News: 02:20 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #255: The Six Idiots
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Scott Fuller review the Big Finish Doctor Who boxset ‘Classic Doctors, New Monsters: Vol. 1’ and Sherlock Series 4, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:35 — Welcome! 02:49 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #254: Bad Awakenings
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and the Keith Dunn review the 1966 Doctor Who story ‘The Power of the Daleks’ and the 2016 film ‘Passengers’, say what we’ve been up to recently, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:14 — Welcome! 02:18 – […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #189: Doctor Who – The Return of Doctor Mysterio
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 08 Jan 2017 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, supered, in front of the 2016 Doctor Who Christmas special, ‘The Return of Doctor Mysterio’, and spout our usual nonsense! This Doctor is desperate to get Amy back, the Ghost has a baby to monitor and Lucy is channelling Lois Lane. But enough of […]

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The Cre'at Club

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Aztec Gold

Part One: The Caribbean

by Sandro JF.


Chapter One

The jungle: A wet, stinky place in the middle of paradise. I'm out here looking for a golden doll that's having a baby. I don't know why people like to look at that junk. Anyway, me and my team of five mosquito bitten men are out here looking for it!

'Let's camp here for the night,' our guide says, putting down his camp-sack. I put mine down and sit on it.

'Got any music?' one of my men say. 'I could do with some cheering up.'

'Only Black Eyed Peas: The E.N.D.' I reply. 'Didn't think of putting anything else in.'

'That's fine!'

So I put it on, and we eat dinner to Boom Boom Pow.

 

The next morning I was the first to wake up. The first thing that hit me was the smell. The bad smell. The smell of a baby who had just eating five cans of baked beans!

The second was the ship had just crashed into the shore of the big lake. I went to check it out. It was hard to get there because the long grass was very long and very annoying.

When I got to the ship, I realized that the captain was still turning the wheel and saying 'Oi, my hearties!' over and over again. I climbed the ladder that one of the crew had put down for me and walked over to him.

'Who are you?' I asked.

'I'm the captain of the Black Pearl, me hearties,' he said. 'I'm a pirate'

'Yeah, right. And imma be, imma be, imma-imma-imma be Han Solo,' I say, not believing this nutter. 'And even if you were a pirate, where's your crew?'

'Shut up, I say. Shut up. I've got to steer this ship through this deathing storm and get to shipwreck cove. If I don't, then how am I going to get away from the East India Trading Company?'

'East India Trading Comp... Dude, your not in the Caribbean! Your stuck on the bank of...a...lake...' I say, realizing that the lake was not a lake, but a beach on a island. And two East Indian Trading Company war ships are aiming their cannons at us (if you can aim cannons....)!

'Where did you say we were again?' I ask this pirate, ducking as the mast falls from the blast one of the cannon-balls hitting it.

'We are on the Isla De Muerta, me hearties, and Shipwreck cove is just over there! We will need to get there if we don't want to die from the Eas...'

'Yes, yes, yes, I know,' I say, kind of annoyed at this pirate. 'I better go and wake up my men... I mean my crew.' I start to walk away, but then say: 'Oh, and you can let go of that wheel now.'

'Oh, yes, of course, me hearties'

'And stop calling me that. I'm Indy.'

'And I'm Captain Barbossa of the Black Pearl, but you can call me Cap'n,' he say's, then turns and shouts: 'Get off this boat if ye want to live. If not, well ye live anyway.'

'What do you mean?' I ask him, confused.

'We're cursed men, Mister Indy, we are cursed men.'

'Okay... Good for you...'

Then I walk back to camp, and find that there's nothing left! 'Nuts. That B.E.P. album cost me eighteen bucks, and they just go and take it. When I get back, I'll make them buy not only The E.N.D., but The Beginning!'

I packed up my mat and went back to the ship.

'Get moving, ya stupid cursed idiots,' Captain Barbossa was saying, eating an apple.

After about five minutes, the crew was almost ready to go. A small, curly-haired guy went up to Mr. B. and said: 'I've lost me eyeball!'

'WHAT!?!' Barbossa exclaimed, defiantly angry. 'YOU'VE LOST YOUR STUPID GLASS EYEBALL AND YOU THINK I CARE!?!'

'Err... Yes, captain.'

'And why do you think I care?'

'Because it's one of eight, captain.'

'AND YOU DARED TO LOSE IT!?!'

'No captain. Jack stole it when you left him on that island last week.'

'AND WHAT WOULD JACK WANT WITH A GLASS EYEBALL!?!'

'Ah, that would be to keep it for ransom, my old, old friend,' A new smart looking guy said, walking up onto the ship. 'Good to see you again, Pearl.'

'Ah, Jack,' Barbossa said. 'HOW DID YOU GET OFF THAT ISLAND!?!'

'Seaturtles, mate. Seaturtles,' Jack replied.

'And how did you get the seaturtles, I wonder.'

'I roped them with human hair,' Jack said, smiling. 'From my back.'

'Can I have my eye back, please?' the curly-haired guy pleaded.

'Have you got any rum?' Jack bargained.

'Err... No.'

'Then no.

'WAAAAA!' The curly-haired guy started to cry. Some pirate!

BAM! A piece of the ship fell, landing on a short, fat monk.

'Looks like the East India Trading Company has been causing some more trouble,' Jack said. 'Lord Norrinton should be more careful, this was his ship once.'

BAM! The short, fat monk got flatted again by a smaller mast falling on his head.

'Guess we better go!' Barbossa said.

'Yes! I think so!' I said.

'Hmmm... Yes...' Jack said.

'Can I've me eye?' Curly-Haired-Guy said. So we all jumped into the sea.

BAM! One of the cannons misfired, landing a cannon ball right on the monks nose.

'Why doesn't he die?' I asked Barbossa.

'He's cursed, like everyone else,' he replied. 'Cursed...'

'Yeah... Okay... Good for him...' What nutters!

 

Meanwhile...

On the main frigate of the East India Trading Company, Lord Norrinton was on starboard looking at the Black Pearl when his first officer came running up to him.

'Yo! Lord Notty!' he said.

'WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!' Norrinton said, angry.

'Lord Notty,' First Officer said.

'And why did you say that?'

'Well, seeing that I'm your first officer...'

'You though you could call me Notty,' Norrinton said, butting in.

'Well, yes.'

'Nobody calls me Notty.'

'The girls do!'

'And how do you know that?'

'I'm your first officer.'

'Humph. Well don't you call me that then.'

'Yes, Notty... I mean Norrinton.'

'Just call me Cap'n.'

'Yes sir, I mean, yes Cap'n.'

'That's better,' said Norrinton, happy. 'Now, what were you going to say?'

'That the pirates have abandoned ship, Cap'n.'

'Well, send out the longboats.'

'Yes, Cap'n.'

 

 

Chapter Two

'So, where are we going again?' I asked Barbossa.

'Shipwreck cove,' Barbossa replied. 'The place that can't be found until it's to late.'

'Ahh...' I said. 'Do you know that there are about fifty men behind us?'

'Yes.' Mr.B. said.

'With guns!'

'Yes!'

'And swords!!'

'Yes!!'

'And a rabid dog that will suck out your liver, eat your brain and play ping-pong with you eyeballs!?!'

'NO!!! Dogs can do that!?!'

'Yes. Well, when you feed them seven males and seven females every April of every year!'

'Dude, we're in the Caribbean, not Greece,' Jack said, whispering.

'Oh,' I realized what I had just said. 'Sorry. Then there's a kraken behind you!'

'WHAT!?!?!' Barbossa said. 'RUN!!!'

So we ran and ran and ran and ran. Then everything turned black.

'It's the black-shadow!' I said.

'I think you mean a extra-large-black-spot,' Jack corrected me again.

'HELP!' Barbossa cried. 'We're gonna die!'

Jack sighed and said: 'Look. Nothing's going to happen, it just an eclipse. We should be celebrating! It only happens every ten years!'

'Oh,' Barbossa said, calming down. 'And what made you so smart, Jack?'

'A long story that I really don't want to say,' Jack said, nervous. 'We better keep moving, those men could be here any second now!'

 

When we reached Shipwreck Cove, we found that the East India Trading Company had gotten there first.

'Oh-no!' I said. 'How did they find the place that can't be found?'

'You can only find the place that can't be found if you've already found it and marked it so you can find it again, and so they must have found it before!' Jack answered.

'Can we kill 'em?' A small, hairy, old guy said, reaching for his gun.

'No,' Barbossa said. 'We'll wait for...'

'DIE!!!!!' That monk that kept on getting hit on the head by the ships masts yelled, running towards the men guarding the entrance.

'Oh-no! That son of a pig just gave away our hiding spot.' Jack said.

BAM! The monk fell.

'Hey,' I say to Barbossa. 'How did a mast get all the way out here?'

'Dunno!' Mr.B. replied. 'What I want to know is how it got down there to hit him in the...'

BAM!

'We better move,' Jack said. 'They've spotted us and are aiming their machine guns!'

'You can do that?' I asked.

'Dunno,' Jack replied as a shower of bullets came out of the sky.

'Look, Cap'n,' A blond, dumb-looking nerd said. 'It's black rain.'

'Look out, you block-head!' Barbossa pulled the nerd out of the death-shower. 'Don't go running into things like that again, son. Ok?

'Yep!'

'He has a son?' I whispered to Jack.

'Yes,' Jack replied. 'His name is Spocksa.'.

'Ahhh,' I said, amazed by his name. 'What idiot would...'

'Just RUN!' Jack yelled.

So we ran and ran and ran and ran some more until we reached a ship with red sails.

'Where’s Mr.B. and the rest?' I asked.

'There probably mindlessly blowing holes in men while drinking rum, as they tend to do when I'm not around.' Jack replied.

'Ahhh...' I said, when I thought of a good question to ask Jack. 'When they are shot over and over again, why don't they die?'

'Because they are cursed!'

'Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!'

'What are you laughing at?' Jack said, confused.

'They can't be cursed! That's just a myth!'

'You really want to see that they ARE cursed and that it's NOT a myth?'

'Ok!'

'Then we'll have to get into Shipwreck Cove, and that won't be easy!'

'Try me!'

 

 

Chapter Three

'So, to get to Shipwreck Cove, we will need weapons. Do you have any?' Jack asked

me.

'No. Only my knife,' I answered.

'Hmm...' Jack said, thinking. 'I think I know where to get some!'

'Cool! Where?' I asked Jack.

 

'Tortuga.'

'WHAT!!!' I exclaimed. 'WE'RE JUST GOING TO GO TO ANOTHER ISLAND?!?'

'Yep' Jack replied, calmly.

'TO GET WEAPONS?!?!?'

'Yep.'

'TO PROVE A CURSE?!?!?!?!'

'Yep.'

'WHY?!?'

'Just shut up and get on the ship.' Jack sounded annoyed.

'Hmph,' I said, and boarded the ship.

 

'So, what do you call this ship?' I asked Jack.

'The Black Pearl Mark II.'

'What? Barbossa's ship is The Black Pearl.'

'You mean, my ship is The Black Pearl.'

'What?'

'He stole it off me and left me on a island.'

'How did you get off?'

'It's a long story and we've reached our destination.' So we got off and paid the ferry-man $10.

'That'll give ya two hours.' the Ferry-Man said.

'That's all we need!' Jack said, and we started walking. 'So, welcome to Tortuga, Mr. Jones. The best place to find and get anything... In twenty minuets.'

'Ahh... So where are we going?'

'Well, first, we're going to a shop called "Books For Cheap".'

'Oh, great. A book-store that sells guns.'

'They don't sell guns, they sell books.'

'I thought we we're going to get some weapons,' I say, confused.

'We are.'

'THEN WHY ARE WE GOING TO A BOOK-STORE?!?' I ask, a little loud.

'You'll find out,' Jack said, entering the shop. 'Now, be quiet.'

'Hmph. Fine.'

'Jack walked up to a tattooed man at the desk and said: 'Hey, Pintel. How ya going?'

What happened next really amazed me so much I fainted, but I could still hear. 'Oh, I'm cool!' Pintel said, in a high-pitched voice. 'Who's ya friend?'

'Oh,' Jack said, seeing me lying on the floor. 'He's a friend. Would you mind putting him in the back room? He's had a rough day.'

'Sure,' Pintel said, turning around and screamed: 'Carry this guy with they hat to the sofa! Pronto!!'

'Thanks!' Jack said.

'So, what brings you here, Jack?'

'Just wondering if you have the new "Pirates Guide To The Sea" book?'

'Ah... Let me see...' Pintel said, browsing through a pile of new books under his desk. 'Is it "The Port At The End Of The Ocean" or "Rum, The Ocean And Everything"?

'Both! Thanks!'

Pintel grabbed the two books and handed them to Jack. 'My pleasure. Do you want some rum?'

'Sure!'

That's when another guy, smaller that Pintel, dragged me to a sofa.

 

When I woke up, I found myself on board The Black Pearl Mark II again.

'It's about time you woke up,' Jack said. 'You've been out for three hours and we've almost at our destination.'

'Do we have our weapons?' I asked Jack.

'No.' he replied.

'WHAT?!?' I exclaim. 'WE WENT ALL THE WAY TO TORTUGA FOR NO REASON AT ALL!?!'

'Well, not for any reason. I only went there to get my books, and...'

'THEN WERE ARE WE GOING TO GET OUR WEAPONS?!?'

'Oh, were going to Port Royal.'

'WHAT?!?! THAT'S A LONG WAY FROM TORTUGA!!!'

'Only another hour.'

'YEAH, BUT STILL! THE EAST INDIA TRADING COMPANY MIGHT LEAVE!'

'Well, then that's good. I like to avoid fighting at all cost.'

'Why you stupid son of a... Beach!' I say.

'WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?' Jack asked me.

'No, look! A beach!' I reply.

'Oh. I thought you called me a...'

'Look out!' I push Jack out of the way as a shower of bullets come from the villagers holding machine guns on the shore.

'Wow! How did they get those?' I wonder.

'Anything’s possible when the best merchant seller is a pirate!'

'WHAT?!?!?'

'Never you mind.'

'Okay. So, I guess we are going to this pirate-merchant to get our weapons, right?'

'Bingo!'

'Nice!

 

Meanwhile...

Lord Norrinton was looking at the terribly funny scene spread out before him. 'Ho ho ho! This is so good, Mr. Swawn. Where did you get this from?'

'Oh, my daughter, Elisabeth, found it on the side of a lake.' Governor Swawn said, laughing as well.

'It's a killer! My son will love this!'

'Yes. I think he will.'

'Were did you say your daughter found it again?'

'On the side of a lake.'

'That's funny. Who would leave this master-piece on the side of a lake?'

'That would be me!' said a voice behind the two men.

Governor Swawn turned around, startled, to see a man in a suit standing in the hallway. 'How did you get in?' he asked

'The front door!'

'And how did you get past the guards?'

'With this.' he said, holding up a long object with a shining green end.

'And what is the horrible thing you've got around your neck?'

'Oi! Respect the bow-tie. Bow-ties are cool.'

Then Lord Norrinton stepped into the conversation. 'Well, what do you want?' he said.

'I'm just warning you.'

'Warning me of what?'

'The Angels.'

'The who?'

'The Angels. Don't think your alone in this ship. Your every movement is watch by the Angels. Like that one over there,' he said, pointing to a statue of a angel covering it's eyes. 'Don't stop looking at it. Don't even blink. And...'

Then, to everyone’s surprise, a red-headed girl with a Scottish accent appeared out of no where and said: 'Oh, stop messing around. Get back in here.' And she pulled the man in the suit into a blue box that was standing in a corner.

Then the man said: 'Silence will fall!' and the box disappeared, making a whooshing sound.

Lord Norrinton and Governor Swawn looked at each other and fainted.

Twenty minuets later, the two men woke up...and didn't remember anything...

 

 

Chapter Four

When we reached Port Royal and paid the ferry-man, two men with guns, one fat, came up to Jack and said: 'Your under arrest!'

'What?' Jack asked them.

'Your under arrest!' the men repeated.

 

'What for?' Jack asked again, confused.

'You stole that ship!' they pointed at The Black Pearl Mark II.

'What?' Jack still had no idea what was going on.

'That's The Black Pearl! Lord Norrinton’s ship!' the men explained.

'Oh...' Jack got what they were arresting him for. 'No, that's The Black Pearl Mark II. The real Black Pearl is under attack by Lord Notty. It's under the control of a pirate named Barbossa.'

'Oh!' the two men looked at each other, and then said to Jack: 'Sorry!'

'It's okay!' Jack said, happily. 'It happens all the time.' So we walked off the pier and went to get something to eat.

'Where do you want to go?' Jack asked me.

'Dunno.' I answered.

'How about the new place called KFC?'

'YES! I mean, okay!' So we went into KFC and ordered.

'Ah,' I said. 'Still tastes the same!'

'What?' Jack asked.

'Oh...' I realize that KFC has just been created. 'Nothing!'

 

After we finished our meal, we went looking for the shop to buy the guns at.

'He likes to remain unknown, so you'll have to be quiet when we get there, OK?' Jack told me.

'Yep!' I replied, hoping that his voice fitted his body.

We walked up the main street for about 15 minuets, until Jack started to walk down a dark alley-way. I couldn't see him, so I followed him until I heard music.

'Hey, wait a second...' I said. 'Isn't that my B.E.P. CD that my stupid crew stole?'

'Yes, Indy,' a voice said from behind me.

I turned around and said: 'What? Who are you?'

'I think you mean "What are you?"' I put my arms out and spun in a circle. I didn't bang into anyone.

Then I heard another voice. It said: 'So, Indy, did you get the doll?'

'You mean the one that was having a baby? No. I got sidetracked.' I replied.

'WHAT?' the first voice said, closer now. 'YOU DARED TO NOT GET THE DOLL?'

'Yes.' I said, as a familiar voice broke through the snarling of the men and said: 'Hurry up, Mr. Jones.'

It was Jack. I turned in the direction of his voice and ran.

'Did you see, I mean hear that?' I ask him.

'What?'

'There was two men.'

'No. We're the only people here.'

'How do you know that?'

'Because I can see nobody.'

'But it's as dark...as...' Then I realized that the alley-way wasn't dark, and that I could see. 'Oh. I'm just pulling your leg, Jack!'

'What? No your not.'

'It's a figure of speech, Jack!'

'Oh, right, I knew that!'

Then, ten men with guns came and said: 'You're under arrest for lying to the dock-guards.'

'What?' Jack said. 'How come this happens EVERY time I come to Port Royal?'

'Move!' the man said.

'Look,' I try to reason with the guards. 'He told the truth to those men and...'

'I said MOVE!' the man was defiantly angry.

'JUST LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF!'

'MOVE!' he said, and shot Jack in the leg.

'Ahh!' Jack exclaimed.

'Oh no, you didn't have to do that!'

Then the man aimed his gun at me and pulled the trigger...

Then I blacked out.

 

Two Hours Before...

Lord Norrinton was waiting. He was waiting for the only person in the world he would wait for, unless that person wanted his throat hanging from Norrinton desk.

'Would you hurry up?' he said, quietly to himself, just as the door's opened and a small midget with a big hat said:

'All hail Xephos, hero of Minecraftia and king of the Caribbean. Also the huge pain in your bu...' He was cut short by a blow to his neck. 'Ow! I just got the doctor to look at that!' Then Xephos walked up and sat on his throne.

'Hello down there!' he called to Norrinton, who bowed down, kissing the floor.

'All hail Xephos! All hail Xephos! All hail Xephos!' said all the people that were surrounding the throne.

'Who is the king who lives under the sea?' asked Xephos, singing a little.

'X-E-P-H!' sung all the other people.

'Hmmm...' Xephos thought, and thought, and thought some more. 'Let me get that!'

'X-E-P!'

'Let me get that!

'X-E-P!'

'Let me get that!'

'X-E-P!'

'Good. Now, you stupid peasants, do it to this tune.' Xephos started to hum the Imma Be tune.

'X-E-P! X-E-P! X-E-X-E-X-E-P! X-E-P! X-E-P! X-E-X-E-X-E-P!' they sing.

'Hmmm. Good. Are you impressed, Lord Norrinton?'

'Yes, yes, your majesty. Very good. I see you have them well trained.' Norrinton replied, still kissing the floor (which made it a bit hard to understand).

'Now, what do you want?' Xephos asked.

'I want you to find a certain man.'

'And who might this man be, I wonder?'

'He is known by the name of Jack. He is a old friend of mine.'

'Hmmm. Okay then, what's in it for me?'

'How does $100,000 sound?'

'Flat. $500,000 or no deal.'

'$400,000?'

'No.'

'Okay then. $499,999.'

'Fine.' Xephos felt happy. 'It's just one dollar off, anyway.'

'Good,' and with that, Norrinton walked out the door.

 

 

Chapter Five

I woke up in a dungeon. A wet, stinky dungeon. The first thing I saw was a rat. Then a broken bed, a dirty toilet and a picture of a tall man with the name Xephos under it. Then I saw blood, and the pain hit me. My leg was bleeding. Badly.

'That son of a dog must have shot my leg, and that's what knocked me out.' I thought.

Then a man came and threw a bucket of freezing water on my face. 'Get up! Xephos wants to see ya.' he said, growling threw is two teeth, both black with soot.

I got up and let myself be pushed and pulled around to a big room, with cushion-walls. Then a tall man, the one on the poster in my prison room, came and sat on the throne.

'Do you love me?' was the first thing he said. I didn't answer. 'I said, DO YOU LOVE ME?!?' he said, louder.

'Um... I don't know. Should I?' I replied.

'Don't play games with me, Sir Indy, or I should do to you what I did to your friend, Jack!' He motioned to the man who took me in, who went over to a rope hanging from the roof, gave a stupid little laugh, and pulled it. Two big cushion-walls slide to one side and I saw Jack tied to the roof on an up-side-down table.

'Jack!' I said.

'Oh,' Xephos started talking. 'He's perfectly fine. I was sent to capture him, so if you answer my little question, I'll let you go. If you don't, I'll tie you up there with him.'

'What's the question?' I asked.

'Do you love me.' Xephos said.

'If I said yes, what exactly would that mean?'

'DO YOU LOVE ME?!? HOW HARD IS IT TO ANWSER THAT?!? I'M FOR KING!!! DO YOU LOVE ME?!?'

'Well, if your my king, then yes. But not is a boyfriend type of way.'

'Good. That's all you had to say. But since it took you so long to answer, I'm going to tie you up there anyway.'

'WHAT!!!'

'Oh, it's okay. I'll just read you some rhymes.'

That, for some reason, made Jack scream in horror. 'No! Please! No! No rhymes! Please! No!' And then he started crying. 'Oh, what have I done to deserve this? WAAAAA!!!'

'Oh, shut up, Jack. How bad can a rhyme be?'

'HOW BAD CAN A RHYME BE!!! Caribbean rhyme is the second most dangerous thing in the whole sea, right next to the Australian 'Ode To The Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Arm-Pit One Midsummer Morning'!'

'Were did you find that out?' Xephos asked, amazed by the intelligence of this man.

'The Pirates Guide To The Sea'!' Jack answered.

'Very interesting.' he said, then turned to a small midget with a big hat and said: 'I've had a better idea. Throw them into the Idea-Locker.'

That got Jack's attention. 'No! Read your rhymes! Anything but the Idea-Locker!'

 

So, we were transported to the Idea-Locker. On the way, Jack was trying to make the guy who was transporting them to stop it.

'Please! I'll give you all my gold, all my ships, all my men! Just don't put us in the Idea-Locker!' he pleaded.

'I'm sorry, but I can't do that. You'll just have to find your own way out.' the man replied.

'Please, PLEASE help us!'

'Well,' the man thought. 'I may be-able to tell you how to get out... But you'll have to pay me.'

'Yes, kind sir, any amount you want. JUST HELP US!!'

'Okay, how's $500?'

Jack reached into his pocket and brought out $499.99. 'How's this?'

'Fine. It's only one cent off.'

'OK.' Jack handed the money to the man.

'Well, last year, we locked up a strange old man in there. If you say the words 'Marvin, The Robot' he'll go mad and start writing things on the floor, the walls, and even the roof. The things he write should be a map of the way out. Oh, and make sure you stand far away from him, or he'll write all over you!'

'Thanks!' I said.

'Yeah, thanks.' Jack was really rapped.

'But beware, their is a 50-year-old woman in the Idea-Locker that has a large reputation of bashing up all the new men.'

'Umm... Okay... Thanks... I think...' Jack said.

 

When we got to the Idea-Locker, the man who told us "use-full" information led us to the door, opened the door, threw us in, and said, for a incredible strange reason, said 'Resistance is useless.' before shutting and locking the door.

The first thing Jack said was: 'AHHH!!!'

The first thing I said was: 'Who's that person sitting over there?' Then, out of no-where, a fly-swatter hit me across the face. 'Ow! What in the world was that?!?' I said, and got hit again.

'Don't ask any questions, okay?' Jack said, then he got hit in the face.

'Okay. Who's that man over there?' I got hit in the face.

'Dunno. Hey! You! What are you doing?' Jack got hit in the face.

'Are you a friend of the guard who just threw us in?' I got hit.

'Yeah! Are You?' Jack got hit.

'Can't you speak?' Another hit.

'Are you okay?' Another hit.

'Can you help us escape?' THWACK!

'Yeah. Can you help?' THWACK!

'Huh! Can ya?' THWACK!

'Can ya, can ya, can ya?' THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

Then Jack fell.

'Jack,' I said, kneeling down to him. 'Are you okay?' (THWACK!)

'I am fin...' Then he went limp.

'Unconscious. Must have been hit to many times.' Then I walked over to the man. 'Are you okay?' (THWACK!)

He didn't answer.

'Are you okay!?' I said, a little louder. (THWACK!)

Still no answer.

'ARE YOU OKAY!?!?!?!?!?!?!' I screamed. (THWACK!)

And, yep, no answer.

Then I remembered what the guard had said: 'If you say the words 'Marvin, The Robot' he'll go mad and start writing things on the floor, the walls, and even the roof. The things he write should be a map of the way out.'

Then I heard a 'IKEA!' sound and remembered the other thing the guard had said: 'But beware, their is a 50-year-old woman in the Idea-Locker that has a large reputation of bashing up all the new men.'

So I ran. 'WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!' I screamed/asked the old woman. (THWACK!)

All she said was 'IKEA!'

'Ikea? Isn't that a hardware shop?' (THWACK!)

'IKEA!'

'Ummm.' Then, for no reason what-so-ever: THWACK! But it wasn't a normal THWACK! It was a really big, as in throw-me-across-the-room-and-then-throw-me-just-a-tad-more THWACK!

My face started to bleed.

Then I heard the old woman come up behind me and scream 'IKEA!' in my face, over and over again. 'IKEA! IKEA! IKEA! IKEA! IKEA! IKEA! I.K..E...A....' Then I heard a loud THWUMP as she fell.

'Are you okay?' said the old man. (THWACK!)

'Yeah. I'm fine. How about you?' (THWACK!)

'Cool.'

'Okay.'

'What do you want?' (THWACK!)

Then I said: 'Marvin the Robot.'

 

 

Chapter Six

Nothing happened... For three seconds.

Then, the old mans nose started to twitch. His eyes started to water. His mouth make a loud 'UH!'

And then, the old man went crazy.

He grabbed a pen from his back (You don't want to know where), and started writing stuff everywhere.

I stepped back five steps, dragging Jack with me, and sat down. In a couple of minutes, I fell asleep.

 

When I woke up, the first thing I saw was a foot. A large, black, smelly foot.

Then the foot disappeared... And a hand appeared.

Then the hand disappeared... And a bottom took it's place.

Then a loud noise came. It sounded like a "PARF!!!". I was struck deaf.

Then the smell came.

I passed out.

 

When I cam back around, nothing was on my face.

No, a whole body was on my legs.

Not to mention the two people sitting on my hands.

And the noise! Don't talk to me about the noise.

It was a noise, kind of like the type of music I'd hear back home. Except the guy was screaming. It was horrid. And loud.

Then, to what it felt like, I was punched.

Then kicked.

Then punched.

Then kicked again.

Then punched.

Then, I didn't feel the next kick.

Actually, I didn't feel anything.

Or hear anything.

I must have passed out again!

 

Two hours later, I woke up. (PUNCH!)

 

Yet again, I woke up. (KICK!)

 

I woke up, grabbed the guy's leg and...

 

I got up, talked in Chinese for no reason at all...

 

I pretended that I was still out. It didn't work!

 

Then I...

 

When I...

 

 

Then...

 

When...

 

I...

 

'WILL YOU STOP THAT!!!!!'

That got their attention.

'Where am I?' I asked.

'We found you on the road,' a man with lots of mussels.

'Why did you knock me out twelve times?'

'The car.'

'Car?'

'Yep.'

'Where am I?' I asked.

Then he answered 'America.'

'What year is it?'

'2011'

I passed out!

 

 

Chapter Seven

I woke up again in a bed. In a white room.

Soft music was playing from a radio in the corner.

Then I heard a football game. It sounded strangely familiar. Like I'd heard it before.

Then the door-handle started to move. A woman walked in, dressed in a nurse uniform.

'How are you feeling?' she asked.

'Where am I?' I asked her, ignoring her question.

'You're at your local hospital,' she answered.

'What year is it?'

'1941.'

Then I realized what was going on.

I jumped out of the bed and dashed to the door. The nurse tried to stop me.

I dodged her.

I ran out of the door, and found myself surrounded by men with guns. The men were dressed in black.

'Put your hands up and get on the floor!' one of the men ordered. I did what he said.

Then a man in a white suit came up and said, 'Hello, Mr Jones. How did you find out?'

'That game,' I said, spiting as I talked. 'I was there.'

'Clever, clever,' he said, clapping his hands.

'Where am I?' I asked.

'I told you before. America.'

So this is the guy in the car! I thought.

'What day it is?'

'April the 22nd, 2011.'

'And why am I here?'

'That doesn't matter.'

'Who are you?'

'That also doesn't matter.'

'What is this place?'

'I told you, America.'

'WHERE AM I?!?!' I screamed in his face.

He stepped back. 'Your in the ARC.'

'What's the ARC?'

'Another Research Center.'

'Where's Jack?'

'Your friend? He's perfectly safe. So is that old man.'

'Who are you?' I asked again.

The man took off his glasses, and there stood Xephos.

'You...' I said.

Then another man came up and whispered something to him.

'Thank you, Norrinton.'

'Norrinton?!' I was really shocked know.

The man looked at me. 'Yes?' he said.

'The East India Trading Company leader?'

'Yes?' Norrinton look confused.

Then I turned to Xephos.

'So the Caribbean was all a dream, and I was really in the future.'

'Oh-no. The Caribbean was real. If anything, this is a dream. I don't know. You'll have to ask...' He stopped.

'Have to ask who?' I said.

'Lady V. The leader of this.'

'Take me to her.' I ordered.

'I can't do that.'

'Why?'

'Well, we don't know where she is.'

'What!'

'We think she's still in the Caribbean.'

'Where?'

'Probably where that pirate, Barbossa, is.'

'I'll find her.'

'I can't let you do that.''

'WILL YOU SHUT UP!' I'm really fed up with this guy.

'Well...' he stuttered.

'Just let me get back to the Caribbean.'

'Alone?'

'Jack and the old man can come.'

'Okay. But you'll have to start back in the Idea-Locker.'

'Whatever.'

'You sure you can do this?' Xephos sounded like he didn't think I could do this.

'Yep!' I assured him.

'Okay. This'll hurt.'

Then a gun came down on my head. Hard.

I fell. Unconscious.

 

When I woke up, I was back in the Locker.

 

 

Chapter Eight

'We have to do what!?' Jack couldn't believe that Norrinton and Xephos weren't really as evil as he though they were.

'He have to find Lady V. And who said they were good?' I said.

'This Lady V,' the old man said, walking towards us. 'Isn't that woman who wears an eye-patch?'

'I didn't find out. All Xephos said was that she was last seen with Barbossa,' I replied.

'Hmm...' Jack though. 'What did you say they were based again?'

'They called it the ARC. Another Research Center,' I answered, and thought about how weird it sounded.

'The ARC... Sounds familiar...' Jack wondered.

'The ARC is a secret island. It's south of this place,' the old man popped in.

'Maybe if we go there, we'll find the answer for all this,' Jack said.

'Well, we have to get out of here first!' I stated.

'Yep!' Jack and the old man agreed.

'Okay,' the old man started to read the map he had drawn on the ground. 'According to the map, the exit is...'

'How do we know we can trust you?' Jack interrupted.

'Jack...' I warned him.

'No. He's right,' the old man stood up. 'You can't trust me. You don't even know my name, or who I am. I am...' he paused for a second. 'I am Splatibartfast.'

'Spartibartfast?' Jack tried to stop himself from laughing. 'What kind of a name is that?'

'It's my name,' Splartibartfast looked sad.

'Sorry, Splartibartfast...' Jack couldn't help himself. He started laughing and laughing and laughing.

'If you want to get out...'

'Right! Sorry!'

'Okay, according to the map, the exit is right in the middle. All we have to do is dig for it.' Splartibartfast explained.

'That's what I do best,' I said.

'The exit will be guarded...'

'I'll get rid of them,' Jack said.

'Good. Now, when we get out, we'll have to run. Fast. Also, where would we go?'

'I have a friend,' Jack offered. 'His name is Professor Grisworld. Professor Zaphod Grisworld. He'll keep us safe for sure.'

'Okay. Well that's that.' I said, picking up a shovel and started to dig.

 

I started to fall asleep around the second hour of the dig.

I was tired, dirty and bored.

Jack and Splartibartfast had fallen asleep.

Then a loud BANG! came from the ground.

I jumped.

'I've found the exit!' I said to myself.

I got out my brush, and put the sand to one side. And there it was. The exit.

'One step closer to the truth!'

I went over to Jack and threw the shovel next to him, just close enough to make his hair move.

'What was that?' he said, jumping up and getting into a fighting stance.

'Just that I've found the exit, and it's your time to fight those dog-guards,' I said.

'Oh,' Jack drew his sword. 'I think you might want to hide.'

'Okay,' I went over to the wall, next to Splartibartfast. I lied down and fell asleep.

 

Then I woke up.

And I was back at the ARC.

Xephos came up to me and said: 'Oh. Your awake again.'

'Sorry if that bothers you,' I said. 'But I just fell asleep.'

'THEN DON'T!' Xephos screamed. 'WHEN YOU...'

'A buzz came from a phone.

'Your wife says to control your blood pressure.'

'Oh,' Xephos said, calming down. 'Sorry.'

BUZZ!

'Take your tablet!'

Xephos reached for a bottle...

BUZZ!

'Not that one!'

'Xephos reached for another bottle...

BUZZ!

'Not that one!'

Xephos pointed to the third bottle.

A lady at a desk outside the room nodded.

Xephos picked it up...

BUZZ!

'Remember to take three!'

Xephos got the three tablets and out them in his mouth...

BUZZ!

'Take them with water!'

He got water, un-plugging the phone.

'Anyway, Indy, when you fall asleep, you wake up here. When you sleep here, you wake up there.'

'Oh,' I yawned...

And fell asleep.

 

 

Chapter Nine

So, once again, I woke up. Jack had finish knocking out the bad guys, so Splartibartfast and I went to find the Professor. We got out of the Idea-Locker and entered a cab that Jack had called.

'So, where do you guys wanna go?' the driver asked.

Splartibartfast answered: 'Take us to Hell!'

'Really?' the driver said, pulling a gun out of his pocket. 'You really want me to take you there?'

'No. Take us to Hell Street.'

'Oh! Hell Street!' the driver said. 'Isn't that a dirty, broken down street with the worst people you can imagine?'

'No,' Splartibartfast was getting kind of fed-up. 'That's Heaven Street, take us to Hell Street.'

'Oh! Hell Street is that place with that crazy old professor! What do they call him? Umm... Professor Zaphod Grisworld! That's right. Hey! Isn't he that guy that said that aliens were coming to take the gold that's on the island in the middle of the Caribbean...'

'Yes! It's him. TAKE US THERE!' Splartibartfast was now the maddest "over-50" person I've ever seen.

'Yes! Right away!' the driver pulled the car into motion and we were on our way.

'Aliens are coming to steal the Aztec gold?' Jack asked Splartibartfast.

'Well, that's what he thinks. He says that the aliens are a group of, well, aliens who call themselves the Scream. Or is it the Silence. I can't remember. Anyway, he's theory is that the aliens are looking for some time-traveler who is going to somehow destroy the Earth because he doesn't want these other mutant aliens to get to it first. I think he calls the mutant aliens Dialect of something. Strange name if you ask me.'

'So why do the first aliens want the gold?' I asked, not understanding any of this. But hey! I've passed out about 20 times today, what would you expect.

'Well,' Jack answered. 'The Aztec gold has a curse on it. That's why we came here is the first place.'

'Yeah, you were trying to prove it to me.' I said.

'Bingo! Well, the aliens want the gold so they can become immortal, because that's what the gold does, so that they can destroy the time-traveler.'

'Ah!' I didn't understand this at all.

'It's all bunny poo if you ask me,' the driver said.

'You know what,' I said, realizing something. 'You remind me of that guy from this movie I saw the other day. What was it again... That's right! "Race to Witch Mountain" it was called. You remind me of the guy in that! Bruno. Jack Bruno.'

'Hey! That's my name!' the driver said.

'Oh...' And guess what I did? Bingo! I passed out!

 

Epilogue

Deep in space. around the 2594th sector, a darkness was rising.

This darkness hasn't rising for about 500 years, since the alien Abin-Swur put it there in the first place.

This darkness was looking for someone.

Something.

This darkness was looking for revenge.

This darkness has a name.

This darkness is Varallax

 

 

To Be Continued...

 


 

COMING SOON FROM SANDRO JF:

His family is dead. His kingdom is falling apart. His life is at risk.

Young prince of Danes, Scyld Scefing, know what he must become.

He must become BEOWULF!

Based on the legend, The Adventures of Beowulf follows the adventures of Prince Scyld and his journeys to save his kingdom from monsters and enemies.

THE ADVENTURES OF BEOWULF: SEASON ONE

coming soon