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Staggering Stories Podcast #393: Ncuti Gatwa Goes Fourteenth
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 May 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith and the Real Keith Dunn discuss the recent Doctor Who casting of Ncuti Gatwa, review Star Trek: Picard season two, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:23 — Welcome! 02:08 – News: 02:13 — Doctor Who: […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #392: Swashing Sea Demons
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 01 May 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review the Doctor Who 2022 Easter Special – Legend of the Sea Devils, recount their time at Back to the Future: The Musical and Doctor Who: Time Fracture, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #391: Capitol Bubbling
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 17 Apr 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review the 2022 films The Adam Project and The Bubble, recount their time at the recent Capitol 5 Doctor Who convention, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:04 — […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #390: Charley and the Crime Travellers
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 03 Apr 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review Doctor Who: Charlotte Pollard – The Further Adventuress and the 1997 BBC TV series Crime Traveller, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:01 — Welcome! 02:59 – News: […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #389: Covidian Clip Show
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 20 Mar 2022 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith and the Real Keith Dunn present clips, featuring themselves and Andy Simpkins, Jean Riddler and Scott Fuller, from old podcasts. Whilst we recover from a podcast spread Covid we look at old news for New Mutants and casting reactions for Doctor Who, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #246: Doctor Who – Eve of the Daleks
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Mon, 14 Mar 2022 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, stored, in front of 2022 Doctor Who New Year’s episode ‘Eve of the Daleks’, and spout our usual nonsense! Nick is not a Dalek, Jeff loses his junk, Sarah is definitely being stalked and the Doctor and Yaz have a moment. But enough of […]

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Doctor Who Logo

Let's Do It

By Leslie McMurtry


All year, my friend Katie has been raving about Victoria Wood and Acorn Antiques. She finally lent me some Victoria Wood CDs after we watched an episode of dinnerladies on UKTV Gold. While I found most of it quite hysterical, one song stood out. So I decided to do what all good parody-writers do, and steal from the best.

By the way, I could have written it for Martha, which probably would have made more sense, but there was so much more comic potential with Jack. I should necessarily say that though this is all in good fun like the original, more to be comically shocking than to be taken seriously, the more squeamish readers might want to look away...

The Doctor and Jack sat one night.
The TARDIS was blue. Jack's teeth were white.
The Doctor was clueless, Jack a bit crass.
Then Jack drained his martini glass.

He licked his lips. He combed his roots.
Adjusted his braces and his combat boots.
The Doctor cringed in fear and dread
As Jack grabbed his tie and said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Your refusal's conjectural--
I'm disarming,
I'm charming,
And I'm omnisexual.

I'm smitten.
I'm written
So that I'm appealing to the whole of Britain.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
The Doctor cannot be having sex.
This fashion
For passion
Makes the viewers nervous wrecks.

No hanky,
No panky
In the TARDIS or they'll get cranky.
I can't do it,
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Do it 'til we're made of slush.
It's dead sure
It's pleasure--
Doing things that make them blush.

I'm betting
Some petting
And you'll show me all the sonic screwdriver's settings.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't let this face lead you astray.
I'm older,
Feel colder.
I can't stand anything risque.

Colossal--
Imposs'ble--
I'd rather read the manual on the TARDIS console.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
I wanna be in your embrace.
We'll cuddle,
We'll muddle--
I want your hearts to race.

Like the masses,
I make passes--
C'mon Doctor, let me steam up your glasses.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't you see, it makes no sense.
Don't ogle,
Don't fondle.
I'm already way too tense.

Stop pouting.
Stop shouting.
I already kissed you on a prev'ous outing.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Take me now, show me how in your bed.
Enchanting--
I'm panting--
Could we do it 'fore I'm dead?

This is drastic--
Don't be spastic--
I'm dying to hear you shout, oh, Jack, *fantastic*!!!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Now I'm not feeling well.
Not kidding--
I'm sitting
Down to rest for a spell.

You bloomin'--
You human--
You'd shag anything long as it were movin'!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Our time together is so brief.
I can't wait,
I can't sate--
I've really got to get relief.

Libido . . .
You in a Speedo . . .!
That would be hotter than a spicy Dorito!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I refuse 'cause you're not Rose.
I miss her,
Wish I'd kissed her.
Upon us you can't impose.

I'm flagging,
I'm sagging--
If I were Troughton you would not try shagging!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I want to give you all I've got.
I'm burning,
I'm yearning--
The console room is getting hot.

I want to!
And pronto!
I'll bring Gwen, Toshiko, Owen and Ianto.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It's really not my cup of tea.
It's doleful,
Not soulful.
Let's get back to reality.

No dramas!
Give me my pajamas.
I'm going to shack up with the Dalai Lama.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
Doctor, I am begging, please.
I'm shaking,
Heart breaking--
You've got me down on my knees.

Endeavour,
Be clever--
I'll get out the whips and you put on the leather.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
I really want to get 'er done.
I'm droning,
I'm moaning--
Just a little quickie one.

Don't be dumb,
Let's have fun,
I'll grab Martha and make it a threesome.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!