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Excerpts from the Staggering Stories Blog:


Staggering Stories Podcast #403: The Shatner Frontier
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 02 Oct 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn review Torchwood: God Among Us Vol. 1 (Big Finish) and the 1989 film Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:08 — Welcome! 02:05- News: 02:16 — Doctor Who: Centenary […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #402: Special Speculations
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 18 Sep 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn speculate and share their hopes for the Doctor Who 60th anniversary special, play a game, find a tiny bit of news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:38 — Welcome! 01:24 – News: 01:34 — […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #401: No Touch Podcast!
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 04 Sep 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: The Seeds of Doom and the 1984 film The NeverEnding Story, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:59 — Welcome! 02:13 – News: 02:13 — Doctor Who: Season […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #400: Party on, Vardans!
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 21 Aug 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Crumbly, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: The Invasion of Time, and Bill and Ted Face the Music, play some games, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 02:12 — Welcome! 03:10 […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #399: Like It’s 2016
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 07 Aug 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Star Trek: Strange New Worlds Season 1, share our memories of Bernard Cribbins, Nichelle Nichols and David Warner, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:09 — Welcome! 01:36 – News: […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #398: Weaponised Winking and 80s Music
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 24 Jul 2022 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn review Doctor Who: Out of Time 3 – Wink (Big Finish) and Stranger Things: Season 4, Volume 2, discuss watching the Peter Cushing Dalek films at the cinema recently, recommend Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, find some general news, and […]

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Doctor Who Logo

Let's Do It

By Leslie McMurtry


All year, my friend Katie has been raving about Victoria Wood and Acorn Antiques. She finally lent me some Victoria Wood CDs after we watched an episode of dinnerladies on UKTV Gold. While I found most of it quite hysterical, one song stood out. So I decided to do what all good parody-writers do, and steal from the best.

By the way, I could have written it for Martha, which probably would have made more sense, but there was so much more comic potential with Jack. I should necessarily say that though this is all in good fun like the original, more to be comically shocking than to be taken seriously, the more squeamish readers might want to look away...

The Doctor and Jack sat one night.
The TARDIS was blue. Jack's teeth were white.
The Doctor was clueless, Jack a bit crass.
Then Jack drained his martini glass.

He licked his lips. He combed his roots.
Adjusted his braces and his combat boots.
The Doctor cringed in fear and dread
As Jack grabbed his tie and said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Your refusal's conjectural--
I'm disarming,
I'm charming,
And I'm omnisexual.

I'm smitten.
I'm written
So that I'm appealing to the whole of Britain.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
The Doctor cannot be having sex.
This fashion
For passion
Makes the viewers nervous wrecks.

No hanky,
No panky
In the TARDIS or they'll get cranky.
I can't do it,
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Do it 'til we're made of slush.
It's dead sure
It's pleasure--
Doing things that make them blush.

I'm betting
Some petting
And you'll show me all the sonic screwdriver's settings.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't let this face lead you astray.
I'm older,
Feel colder.
I can't stand anything risque.

Colossal--
Imposs'ble--
I'd rather read the manual on the TARDIS console.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
I wanna be in your embrace.
We'll cuddle,
We'll muddle--
I want your hearts to race.

Like the masses,
I make passes--
C'mon Doctor, let me steam up your glasses.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't you see, it makes no sense.
Don't ogle,
Don't fondle.
I'm already way too tense.

Stop pouting.
Stop shouting.
I already kissed you on a prev'ous outing.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Take me now, show me how in your bed.
Enchanting--
I'm panting--
Could we do it 'fore I'm dead?

This is drastic--
Don't be spastic--
I'm dying to hear you shout, oh, Jack, *fantastic*!!!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Now I'm not feeling well.
Not kidding--
I'm sitting
Down to rest for a spell.

You bloomin'--
You human--
You'd shag anything long as it were movin'!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Our time together is so brief.
I can't wait,
I can't sate--
I've really got to get relief.

Libido . . .
You in a Speedo . . .!
That would be hotter than a spicy Dorito!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I refuse 'cause you're not Rose.
I miss her,
Wish I'd kissed her.
Upon us you can't impose.

I'm flagging,
I'm sagging--
If I were Troughton you would not try shagging!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I want to give you all I've got.
I'm burning,
I'm yearning--
The console room is getting hot.

I want to!
And pronto!
I'll bring Gwen, Toshiko, Owen and Ianto.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It's really not my cup of tea.
It's doleful,
Not soulful.
Let's get back to reality.

No dramas!
Give me my pajamas.
I'm going to shack up with the Dalai Lama.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
Doctor, I am begging, please.
I'm shaking,
Heart breaking--
You've got me down on my knees.

Endeavour,
Be clever--
I'll get out the whips and you put on the leather.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
I really want to get 'er done.
I'm droning,
I'm moaning--
Just a little quickie one.

Don't be dumb,
Let's have fun,
I'll grab Martha and make it a threesome.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!