Associated Links

Recent Blog Entries

Excerpts from the Staggering Stories Blog:


Staggering Stories Podcast #289: Ready Podcast 289
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 20 May 2018 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dun discuss Doctor Who: The Ultimate Foe and Ready Player One, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:27 — Welcome! 03:00 – News: 03:14 — Doctor Who: Eric Roberts to […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #288: When Heroes Assemble
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 06 May 2018 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare discuss Doctor Who: The Three Doctors and Avengers: Infinity War, recall our time at The Capitol 3 Doctor Who convention, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:23 — Welcome! […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #216: Babylon 5 – Sleeping in Light
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 29 Apr 2018 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, mourning, in front of the last ever Babylon 5 episode ‘Sleeping in Light’, and spout our usual nonsense! Sheridan is wanting a last supper, Garibaldi’s nicking bits of B5 and Delenn has a new favourite bench. But enough of their problems, please sit down […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #287: We Have the Stones
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 22 Apr 2018 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Jean Riddler and Keith Dunn discuss Doctor Who: The Stones of Blood and Nigel Kneale’s The Stone Tape, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:54 — Welcome! 02:07 – News: 02:15 — Gummidge: Back for more. 04:15 — […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #215: Doctor Who – Twice Upon a Time
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 15 Apr 2018 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, regenerating, in front of the 2017 Doctor Who Christmas special, ‘Twice Upon a Time’, and spout our usual nonsense! The Doctor is trying to hold back his explosive energies, another Doctor is also trying to hold it back and pretty much everyone else is […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #286: Encounters with Brian
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 08 Apr 2018 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler and the Real Keith Dunn discuss Big Finish’s UNIT: Encounters boxset and Monty Python’s Life of Brian, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:27 — Welcome! 02:21 – News: 02:41 — Doctor Who: Lady […]

Website works best with

Firefox Download Button

Google Chrome

Valid XHTML 1.0 Strict

Doctor Who Logo

Let's Do It

By Leslie McMurtry


All year, my friend Katie has been raving about Victoria Wood and Acorn Antiques. She finally lent me some Victoria Wood CDs after we watched an episode of dinnerladies on UKTV Gold. While I found most of it quite hysterical, one song stood out. So I decided to do what all good parody-writers do, and steal from the best.

By the way, I could have written it for Martha, which probably would have made more sense, but there was so much more comic potential with Jack. I should necessarily say that though this is all in good fun like the original, more to be comically shocking than to be taken seriously, the more squeamish readers might want to look away...

The Doctor and Jack sat one night.
The TARDIS was blue. Jack's teeth were white.
The Doctor was clueless, Jack a bit crass.
Then Jack drained his martini glass.

He licked his lips. He combed his roots.
Adjusted his braces and his combat boots.
The Doctor cringed in fear and dread
As Jack grabbed his tie and said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Your refusal's conjectural--
I'm disarming,
I'm charming,
And I'm omnisexual.

I'm smitten.
I'm written
So that I'm appealing to the whole of Britain.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
The Doctor cannot be having sex.
This fashion
For passion
Makes the viewers nervous wrecks.

No hanky,
No panky
In the TARDIS or they'll get cranky.
I can't do it,
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Do it 'til we're made of slush.
It's dead sure
It's pleasure--
Doing things that make them blush.

I'm betting
Some petting
And you'll show me all the sonic screwdriver's settings.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't let this face lead you astray.
I'm older,
Feel colder.
I can't stand anything risque.

Colossal--
Imposs'ble--
I'd rather read the manual on the TARDIS console.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
I wanna be in your embrace.
We'll cuddle,
We'll muddle--
I want your hearts to race.

Like the masses,
I make passes--
C'mon Doctor, let me steam up your glasses.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't you see, it makes no sense.
Don't ogle,
Don't fondle.
I'm already way too tense.

Stop pouting.
Stop shouting.
I already kissed you on a prev'ous outing.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Take me now, show me how in your bed.
Enchanting--
I'm panting--
Could we do it 'fore I'm dead?

This is drastic--
Don't be spastic--
I'm dying to hear you shout, oh, Jack, *fantastic*!!!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Now I'm not feeling well.
Not kidding--
I'm sitting
Down to rest for a spell.

You bloomin'--
You human--
You'd shag anything long as it were movin'!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Our time together is so brief.
I can't wait,
I can't sate--
I've really got to get relief.

Libido . . .
You in a Speedo . . .!
That would be hotter than a spicy Dorito!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I refuse 'cause you're not Rose.
I miss her,
Wish I'd kissed her.
Upon us you can't impose.

I'm flagging,
I'm sagging--
If I were Troughton you would not try shagging!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I want to give you all I've got.
I'm burning,
I'm yearning--
The console room is getting hot.

I want to!
And pronto!
I'll bring Gwen, Toshiko, Owen and Ianto.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It's really not my cup of tea.
It's doleful,
Not soulful.
Let's get back to reality.

No dramas!
Give me my pajamas.
I'm going to shack up with the Dalai Lama.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
Doctor, I am begging, please.
I'm shaking,
Heart breaking--
You've got me down on my knees.

Endeavour,
Be clever--
I'll get out the whips and you put on the leather.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
I really want to get 'er done.
I'm droning,
I'm moaning--
Just a little quickie one.

Don't be dumb,
Let's have fun,
I'll grab Martha and make it a threesome.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!