The Complete Adventures of Mr Dalek (so far)

First Edition

Herein lies the complete adventures(*) of Mr Dalek, a 2.5 inch tall toy with a thirst for attacking his fellow toys.

(*) As and when new stories become available a new edition of this book will be published at http://www.StaggeringStories.net/.

This eBook is copyright the original authors of the individual stories and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 licence (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/).

Mr. Dalek Goes for a Glide

Perplexing the mind of Adam J Purcell

This is the sad story of Mr Dalek.

The trouble was that Mr Dalek could not help being an evil toy.

If there was another toy for Mr Dalek to be evil to, he would be evil to them all right.

For instance.

If you were to see Mr Dalek gliding around a room in your house, and if there happened to be a little toy to be evil to in that room, then you know what would happen, don't you?

"Exterminate!"

Mr Dalek was just the same in his own room.

He lived in an extremely nice room, but even there he couldn't help being evil to the other toys.

Mr Dalek was sad that the other toys didn't like him, so he had a splendid idea. He would try to be nice to the other toys.

For instance.

When Mr Dalek met Velma, Daphne and Shaggy being chased by the Creeper, he decided to help the three of them.

"Exterminate!"

"Jinkies! We were just playing!" said Velma.

"Like, that's totally uncool man - he was, like, my second best friend!" said Shaggy.

Mr Dalek felt sad again, so he decided to cheer himself up.

You know what happened next, don't you?

"Exterminate!"

In order to recover from this rather unfortunate happening, Mr Dalek decided to help Pinky and the Brain, who were trying to take over the world.

At first they worked well together but soon problems began to arise.

For instance.

Mr Dalek, being a toy, could not hover so he couldn't climb over obstacles.

For instance.

When the Brain insulted Mr Dalek, well, can you guess what happened?

"Exterminate!"

Three of the remaining toys, Wakko, Yakko and Dot, were very angry with Mr Dalek, who exterminated their friends.

So they decided to creep up on Mr Dalek and push him off the side of the cupboard.

Mr Dalek found himself trapped behind the cupboard, lost and forgotten, with no way back up.

So you see the story of Mr Dalek is a very sad story indeed. And if you ever exterminate anyone you know what to do, don't you?

Go and exterminate everyone who doesn't like you, and then you won't suffer the same fate as Mr Dalek.

You'll remember that the next time you exterminate someone, won't you?

Good!

Mr. Dalek Discovers the True Meaning of Christmas

Leaking from the mind of Karen Dunn

It was almost dark when Mr Dalek woke up.

With a metallic, voice-distortery yawn, he stretched his plunger, stretched his zapper and wiggled his eyestalk back and forth (as experience had long since taught him he could not blink).

Something was different about Adam's room tonight so Mr Dalek carried out a quick scan to find out what was wrong:

The fine layer of dust on his shelf - still there; the spare orange jumper stolen from the Velma doll as she slept - still hidden behind the clock; Adam's winning lottery ticket from last week's double roll-over - exterminated to prevent him buying bigger, badder, better toys and thus assigning the current inhabitants of his room to a car boot sale.

No, everything seemed to be in place but something was definitely different.

Checking carefully to make sure Adam and his strange friends were not coming up the stairs to press his buttons and fiddle with his plunger, Mr Dalek hovered down to the next shelf to speak to the Shaggy doll.

But Shaggy doll was nowhere to be seen. Nor were Velma and Fred and Daphne doll. Mr Dalek glided suspiciously over to the Mystery Machine model and poked his eyestalk in through the side window. (It had no glass in it due to a game of 'chuck the marbles at the weird collection of toys on the shelf' played by Adam and his friends two weeks ago, which had got out of hand and ended tragically when the Buffy and Willow dolls had fallen into the plastic recycling bin never to be seen again.)

The Mystery Machine was empty. Even the Scooby Doo doll was nowhere to be seen. So the chummy gang were not playing hide the bone in the cavernous van after all.

Mr Dalek became rather worried. He wasn't used to being alone. He hated being by himself. Forget the loneliness - he needed someone around to care for him, to look after him. To be there for him while he exterminated them.

Zipping along the shelf, his eyestalk darting from side to side, Mr Dalek searched all the usual hiding places his friends normally fled to when they saw him on the prowl. There was no one to be seen.

Suddenly his sensors picked up a strange sound. A sound he had never heard before. It was coming from the bedroom window, so Mr Dalek pushed his little gears to their limit and sped along the shelf to find out what was going on.

There by the window, grouped together in an excited huddle, were all his friends.

Well, technically they weren't friends. Subjects...maybe; enemies...sometimes; convenient things to chase and exterminate whenever the mood took him...usually.

But they were all here by the window, peeking through the steamed-up glass, jostling one another in their excitement to get a better look at whatever it was outside...and totally ignoring him and his zapper.

So he exterminated the Pinky doll to get their attention.

The toys spun round with a collective gasp: "Gasp!" they went, all at the same time, "Oh no! It's Mr Dalek!!"

And they all tried to run away. But as Mr Dalek was blocking their only escape route back along the shelf they were rather stuck.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" grated Mr Dalek.

There was much shuffling and shoving among the toys before the Velma doll was pushed unceremoniously forward with a startled: "Jinkies!"

With the Fred doll planting a hand firmly on her back preventing her front scooting away from the highly threatening 1 1/2-inch Dalek in front of her, the Velma doll waved a hand at the window and said: "Carol singers. It's Christmas."

"WHAT IS CHRISTMAS?"

"Umm...season of goodwill to all men. Love, general good feelings...that kind of thing," said Velma.

"UNNACCEPTABLE ANSWER!" said Mr Dalek and exterminated her.

The dolls gasped again, "GASP!!" they went.

Fred doll screamed like a woman and began running round and round in a circle so Mr Dalek exterminated him too, which was a bit of a relief to everyone.

"I WILL NOT ASK AGAIN," said Mr Dalek.

Shaggy Doll stepped forward and Mr Dalek's sensors picked up the strange sound coming from outside again.

Voices like Adam's but a little bit higher were singing about 'mangers' and 'cattle' and 'little Lord Jesus's' while other little voices in the distance were saying things like 'But I waaaaant a Malibu Barbie' and 'But Mark-up-the-road has got Slashgore 2 for the PC, Playstation and X-Box (only £47.99 from good retailers) so why can't I have it?'

"You hear that, dude?" said Shaggy doll, his knees knocking, "That's the spirit of Christmas, man. It's a time of friendship and love and absolutely no exterminating."

Mr Dalek zipped forward and poked his eyestalk against the window, watching the little humans standing on Adam's doorstep as they moved on to a tune about a little town called Bethlehem.

"You see," said Shaggy, "It's angelic, it's sweet, it's....well, nice, dude."

"I DO NOT LIKE 'NICE'," grated Mr Dalek and exterminated him. Then he exterminated Scooby Doo doll as well, just to show how much he didn't like 'nice'.

Daphne doll cowered in the corner by the windowsill while Brain doll put his immensely superior mind to the problem at hand.

"Daphne,' he said, helping her to her feet, "I believe I have deduced a fool-proof way out of this predicament. All I require is a hair pin and a high-heeled boot."

"Here," said Daphne doll, thrusting the required items into his paws.

"Excellent," said Brain doll, "This is what we must do...."

But then Mr Dalek exterminated him and kind of ruined the plan.

"Bugger," said Daphne.

Desperate to avoid a painful fate at the end of his zapper, she fell back on her feminine wiles to get out of the situation - after all, Mr Dalek had 52 balls...what could it hurt..?

Slinking forward as sexily as a person could when their elbow and knee joints don't actually bend she growled at Mr Dalek in a rather seductive manner.

Taking her growl to be a threat, Mr Dalek set his zapper to super-dooper high setting and exterminated her until all that was left was her trademark.

The little people outside, completely oblivious to the carnage taking place in Adam's room, started singing about the 12 days of Christmas before Adam opened the living room window and threatened them with violence if they didn't shove off.

Mr Dalek sat alone in Adam's room as darkness fell.

He was rather bored without his friends to chase and exterminate but consoled himself with the memory of the look on Daphne doll's face as her boobs melted in his death ray.

He was about to shut down for the night when he heard a strange rustling noise over by the fireplace.

Zipping to the edge of the shelf he watched as a shower of soot floated down from the chimney and made a mess on the Thunderbirds rug.

The soot was soon followed by a pair of bright red boots with fluffy white trim - all strangely unaffected by the soot from the fireplace that Mr Dalek could have sworn Adam's room didn't actually have until two minutes ago.

As Mr Dalek watched, a plump human emerged into the room, heaving a bulging sack of brightly wrapped presents behind him.

He crossed to Adam's Christmas tree and sorted a generous pile of presents beneath it, ticking Adam's name from a large book emblazoned with the words "Neither naughty nor nice but likely to take over the world one day so best to be careful and keep him sweet."

When the large, jolly man straightened up with a smile and a "Hohoho" Mr Dalek could feel his zapper tingling and hovered down from the shelf to exterminate the intruder.

Zooming across the room as fast as his gears would carry him, Mr Dalek skidded to a halt in front of the strange man's foot and waved his plunger in a threatening manner.

The podgy man bent down to look at him, his round, jolly face framed by a mop of white hair and a neat white beard, a fluffy red hat perched on top of his head.

His eyes were the deepest blue Mr Dalek had ever seen and as friendly as they come and when he smiled they sparkled and his whole face lit up, as jolly as can be.

"Hello" he said, picking up Mr Dalek, and chuckled a belly laugh.

Mr Dalek poked at his chest with his plunger and wished he was a full sized dalek and not just a piece of moulded plastic 1 1/2 inches high with 'made in Taiwan' stamped on the bottom.

"PUT ME DOWN OR I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU," threatened Mr Dalek as the jolly man patted him on the dome.

"There there," boomed the man, sounding remarkably like Brian Blessed, "There's no need to be afraid. I'm Santa Claus." He continued, completely unaware that he was in England and should be called Father Christmas.

"I AM MR DALEK," said Mr Dalek, "AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING."

"That's good," said Mr Claus, "But shouldn't you be in bed. I can't leave you or your friends any presents if you're awake, you know. I'm sure you're all ever so nice and not the least bit naughty."

"I HAVE NO FRIENDS", said Mr Dalek.

Mr Claus patted him on the dome again, "I'm sure that's not true," he smiled.

"IT IS TRUE," said Mr Dalek, "I HAVE EXTERMINATED THEM ALL."

He waggled his eyestalk at the pile of deceased toys in the corner - and Daphne doll's smouldering trademark - and Mr Claus gave a gasp of surprise and dropped him on the floor.

"Gasp!" he went as Mr Dalek lay on the carpet, his wheels whirring as he tried to right himself.

"Oh dear," said Mr Claus, "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. What did you do? Why did you do it? HOW did you do it - you we made in Taiwan!!" And he picked up Mr Dalek and put him on the shelf, peering at him with his slightly worried blue eyes.

"I AM A DALEK," said Mr Dalek, "I EXTERMINATE THINGS. IT'S WHAT DALEKS DO."

"But it's Christmas," said Mr Claus, "A time of love and goodwill. How can your friends love you if you keep exterminating them?"

"I DO NOT LIKE LOVE," grated Mr Dalek, "IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE."

Mr Claus shook his head sadly, "You are wrong, my psychotic little friend. Love is free to everyone." He raised his eyes to heaven, "There is one person who will love you no matter how you feel about him. He will love you unconditionally and welcome you into his kingdom when the time is right."

"AND I WILL EXTERMINATE HIM," said Mr Dalek.

"Oh Christ." Said Mr Claus burying his head in his hands.

He picked up Mr Dalek and took him to the window where a deep winter's night was being lit by a heavenly moon, it's light glinting on frost-covered trees. "Look deep inside yourself," he said, "How do you feel now your friends are gone?"

"BORED," said Mr Dalek wishing this round human would put him down.

"But don't you wish they were still around," said Mr Claus, "Don't you wish they were here to play with you this Christmas?"

Mr Dalek thought about it. He thought about the Shaggy, Fred, Scooby, Daphne, Pinky and Brain dolls. He thought about the Velma doll and her strangely alluring orange jumpers. He thought about how much fun they all had playing hide and seek and how good he felt as he exterminated them.

And he felt sad that they were gone.

The cherubic voices of some rather determined tiny carol singers filtered up into Adam's room once more as the snow began to fall.

Mr Dalek and Mr Claus gazed at each other, one with sparkling blue eyes in a jolly round face, the other with an eyestalk, 52 balls, a plunger and a zapper.

"So you see," said Mr Claus kindly, "You are loved and always will be loved and if your friends were still alive I'm sure they would take you in their arms and hug you. You have no need to carry on down the path of violence when there is so much life to embrace."

Mr Dalek gazed up at Mr Claus and watched as a single tear glistened at the corner of the kindly old man's eye.

His words enveloped him like a warm blanket and Mr Dalek felt something he had never felt before. Love.

So he exterminated the silly old man until the horrible feeling went away and then waited for Adam to unwrap all his new toys.

"HO HO HO."

Mr. Dalek's Roman Holiday

Leaking from the mind of Karen Dunn

One day, Mr Dalek decided that, as Adam had been such a good boy recently, he would take him on holiday as a special treat.

Adam was very excited and asked to go to Blackpool so that he could go on a roller coaster.

Adam liked roller coasters.

Mr Dalek did not like roller coasters at all and told Adam that they were going to Rome to find Julius Caesar and that was final.

Adam sulked for a little while and tried to trick Mr Dalek into believing that Julius Caesar was dead.

But Mr Dalek knew better and threatened to exterminate Adam if he did not start packing RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

So Adam packed his little suitcase, popped Mr Dalek into his pocket and set off for the airport.

Once at the airport, Adam found Mr Dalek a nice seat next to the window overlooking the runway, and Mr Dalek watched the aeroplanes taking off and landing.

Not one of them so much as skidded, let alone plummeted screaming from the sky in flames and Mr Dalek was very disappointed.

"Oh well," he thought, "There's still time."

Adam was talking to a group of people with odd accents.

"They're Americans," he said when Mr Dalek glided over.

"Shall I exterminate them?" said Mr Dalek.

"No," said Adam, rather firmly, "That would attract too much attention. Besides they have promised to vote for Kerry, so they can't be all bad."

Mr Dalek sulked, his little eyestalk going all droopy and not at all perky and alert as befits a rampant killing machine such as himself.

So Adam promised him that they would go to America next year and Mr Dalek could exterminate Ol' Dubya in person.

Mr Dalek felt a lot better and his eyestalk returned to its usual position - primed and on the look out for danger ...and things to exterminate.

He was staring out of the window, willing the air traffic controllers to make a mistake - the kind that would dominate the headlines for weeks to come - when an annoying sound echoed through the departure lounge.

"BING BONG!" it went.

Mr Dalek did not like the sound at all and his zapper went all tingly with the desire to exterminate something.

"BING BONG!" went the sound, and then a polite female voice went: "I am sorry to announce that flight EJ 2335 to Rome has been delayed by 40 minutes."

She didn't seem very sorry at all, and Adam's face went from excited to cross to sad, and he sighed a heavy sigh.

Mr Dalek did not like people who made Adam sad.

He trundled across the departure lounge to a little booth where the BING BONG! woman was sitting.

She looked like a Barbie doll and had a smile that was so fixed on it looked like she would have been unable to stop grinning even if some one had exterminated her.

So Mr Dalek exterminated her, just to be sure.

After the police had let them go, Mr Dalek was on the plane, perched on Adam's knee, looking out of the window as the ground rushed by ever so fast and the plane took off.

Mr Dalek had never been on a plane before and was very excited.

Adam had been on a plane lots of times and whinged about the uncomfortable seat, the horrible coffee and the boring in-flight magazine.

Mr Dalek pointed out that he could exterminate people at any altitude, so Adam shut up and read about the mating habits of the lesser-spotted mantis.

Then he was sick in a bag and a nice air hostess took it away.

Before long they were flying over Rome and Adam pointed out all the sights they were going to see.

Mr Dalek could not see Julius Caesar's Palace anywhere but was determined to seek him out, no matter how far he had to trundle.

When they had landed, Adam told him the Palace was a total ruin, but Mr Dalek thought he was being over-critical.

We can't all live in posh houses - some are always going to have that 'lived in' look.

Adam was being a snob, so Mr Dalek exterminated him - just a little bit - and trundled off to see Rome alone.

Mr Dalek explored the streets of Rome for a long lo-o-ong time.

Being only an inch and a half high it was very difficult to get any serious sight-seeing done while frantically avoiding being stepped on by tourists.

He had to exterminate quite a few of them before they moved out of the way.

Finally he came to a big, round, ruined building that Adam had pointed out to him as they were coming in to land.

As Coliseums went, Mr Dalek supposed it was OK.

It would have been a lot better if people had still been hacking off each other's limbs in the arena and feeding bits of each other to the lions and tigers and bears...oh my.

Standing outside the Coliseum, Mr Dalek was surprised to see a real live gladiator.

He was tall and well-muscled and wearing a very short skirt and hefting a shiny sword.

Human females kept running up to him for a hug and a fondle, before running away giggling, but the gladiator didn't seem to mind at all.

Mr Dalek decided that if anyone knew where to find Julius Caesar it would be a gladiator.

So he trundled up to him and tried a new thing that Adam had called "being polite".

"Excuse me," he said in his most polite, not at all threatening even though you are a worm and beneath contempt kind of voice, "Can you tell me where to find Julius Caesar...please."

The 'p' word still came unnaturally to him.

Rampant killing machines who are feared as the scourge of the galaxy, rarely say 'please' before wiping civilisations from existence, but Adam had insisted that a little good manners went a long, long way and, although Mr Dalek suspected he was lying through his tight white rear end, he decided to give it a go.

Instead of responding in an equally polite manner that would have spared him pain and mutilation, the gladiator laughed raucously and waved his sword at Mr Dalek, shouting: "Hey! English! DALEK!!" in a very annoying voice.

Then he held his sword against his forehead in a rather cruel imitation of Mr Dalek's proud and perky eyestalk and shouted: "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

So Mr Dalek exterminated him and trundled away while human females took turns in peeking up the thoroughly zapped gladiator's skirt.

Soon after, he came to another, much more rubbly ruin with hardly any pillars sticking up at all.

Voices approached and he saw a tour guide leading round a group of pink humans who were weighed down by far too many cameras.

With the skill and stealth of a trained assassin (made in Taiwan) Mr Dalek innocently joined the group and listened carefully for any vital information.

He really needed to find the Palace of Julius Caesar.

Only a warrior of Caesar's standing would be a worthy ally in his on-going quest to take over the world.

He had tried speaking to the Pinky and the Brain dolls back in Adam's bedroom but they were far too squeamish to actually kill anyone - prefering instead to drop anvils on them or poke them off cliffs with sticks marked 'Acme'.

No, the only person in the world that would do was the mighty Julius Caesar - if he could only find his Palace.

"...and this is the ruin of Caesar's Palace," said the tour guide.

It really was a good job that the humans all started snapping pictures at the same time because Mr Dalek said some terribly rude words.

He bounced around on his little castors, too furious to even exterminate anyone, letting forth a volley of awfully, awfully naughty words.

There wouldn't have been enough soap in the whole of Rome to wash out his mouth.

All of a sudden he saw one of the smaller humans standing in front of him.

Adam had stressed the importance of not exterminating small humans.

He had called them 'children' and had used diagrams to demonstrate to Mr Dalek exactly what he would do to him if he ever caught him exterminating one of them.

The diagrams had been extremely graphic and Mr Dalek had no desire to see his eyestalk inserted anywhere like that, thank you very much, so he allowed the small human to approach unscathed.

She had annoying big blue eyes and long brown hair and was sucking noisily on her thumb.

She picked up Mr Dalek by the plunger and peered at him.

"What's the matter?" she drooled round the moist thumb.

"I am looking for Julius Caesar," said Mr Dalek, frantically fighting down his natural instinct to maim, destroy and rend limb from limb.

The small human pulled her thumb from her mouth with a wet slurp and pointed across the ruin to a statue, "That's 'im."

Mr Dalek wiggled his eyestalk, "That is a statue. I wish to find the real Julius Caesar."

"Oh," said the small human with a shrug, "Dunno."

"Who would know?" growled Mr Dalek menacingly.

The small human frowned, "Daddy says the Pope knows a lot of stuff. You could ask the Pope, or Tony Blair - he knows a lot of stuff too. Or Tinky Winky. Cos he always knows where the Noo Noo is and how to make tubby toast just right with no black bits."

Mr Dalek whirred his castors until the small human put him down, "I will ask the Pope," he said, and trundled away across the ruin.

The Pope lived a long, long, long way away, all the way across the city.

Poor Mr Dalek was ever so tired when he finally found him.

By the time he arrived at the Vatican he was not in the best of moods. He had trundled a long way and his little castors positively ached.

He had been directed to the Sistine Chapel with the helpful direction to "look for the painted ceiling".

Seven thousand, six hundred and twenty-eight painted ceilings later he found who he was looking for.

The Pope was sitting on a chair in the Sistine Chapel playing eye spy.

"Excuse me," said Mr Dalek, trying to be polite.

"Shh..." said the Pope, "I'm guessing....hmm....something beginning with D...that's tricky..."

"Dalek," said Mr Dalek.

"Damn," said the Pope, "You ruined it."

Mr Dalek trundled forward, his tired little castors squeaking with the effort, "I have a question", he said, "And if you give me the wrong answer I will exterminate you."

"That's a bit rough," said the Pope, adjusting his sceptre and straightening his long white gown, "You can't just exterminate me. I am the Pope, you know."

"I don't care," said Mr Dalek, "I have been polite all day long and have got nothing in return except laughter, abuse and sore castors. You will tell me where Julius Caesar is and you will tell me now!!"

"He's dead," said the Pope.

Mr Dalek set his zapper to its super dooper, ever so high, makes you so sore you can't sit down for a week setting and let rip.

The Pope raised one eyebrow, not at all exterminated.

"Was that it?" he asked.

"Yes," said Mr Dalek, feeling rather embarrassed that his zapper had failed to rise to the occasion. He had heard stories about how it had happened to other Daleks, but not him...never him...he was in his prime...

"My turn," said the Pope, standing up and hefting his sceptre to shoulder height.

"Excommunicate!" he yelled and opened fire.

Mr Dalek tried to trundle away but his castors had finally given up the ghost. He tried desperately to blink at the bolt of holy light streaking towards him, but his eyestalk wasn't designed for blinking, no matter how primed or perky it was.

The bolt hit him full on and he vanished in a puff of sparkly light.

The Pope sat down again and placed the sceptre carefully at his side, "Right," he said, "Your turn."

"OK," said God, "I spy with my little eye something beginning with P."

"Paint."

"Bugger. Your turn."

*

Back in Adam's bedroom, Mr Dalek blipped back into existence with a faint POP!

Pleasantly surprised to be alive and trundling, he zoomed up and down the shelf, his castors back to their zippy best.

He wiggled his eyestalk back and forth and sucked things with his plunger.

He felt good!

Spying the mystery machine toy at the end of the shelf he zipped up and peeked through the window.

Shaggy, Fred, Daphne, Velma and Scooby dolls were all fast asleep inside.

So he exterminated them thoroughly and lived to fight another day.

After all, there is always someone bigger and tougher and more omnipotent out there that it would be silly to take on.

The End

Mr. Dalek: The Night Before Christmas

Exterminating the mind of Karen Dunn

Twas the night before Christmas and on Adam's shelf

Mr Dalek was feeling quite pleased with himself.

A fun day had passed 'fore he hung up his stocking

Devising a plan that was frankly quite shocking.

He shared Adam's shelf, as I'm sure you're aware,

With a wide range of toys, who for now were not there.

In a moment of bragging he'd told them his plan

"I'll exterminate you just as fast as I can.

"You've hung up your stockings and don't they look cool.

"Surely Santa will fill them with goodies this Yule.

"But because you'll be zapped I'll just keep them for me.

"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho he he."

Well, to his annoyance they all ran and hid.

He'd just have to hunt them - so that's what he did.

Some toys hid quite well but some others did not.

Once cornered, he exterminated the lot.

He zapped Hobbit dolls from The Lord of the Rings

And wizards and witches and goblin-y things.

With a cry of "exterminate" he zapped them all

And now Golum didn't feel precious at all.

Next up was Pinky, who hid with The Brain.

They begged really well but got zapped all the same.

He then melted Freddy and Shaggy and Scooby,

And Daphne was next as he zapped off her boobies.

He ran after Velma, determined to trap her

And once he had cornered her, primed up his zapper.

"Jinkies" she cried when she saw what her fate were,

And jumped off the shelf lest he exterminate her.

"Ha!" said Mr Dalek, "You cannot escape.

"I've got flying skills and I'll catch you - just wait!"

With a rev of his motors he floated aloft

Taking aim with his zapper as Velma ran off.

Then out on the roof there arose such a clatter

Ignoring poor Velma, forgetting to zap her,

He floated aloft like a good Dalek should

And went to find out who had gate-crashed his hood.

The night was all silent and sparkling with snow

Well it was Christmas Eve in a story, you know.

Dodging past snowflakes as big as his plunger

Our Dalek went after the gate-crashing sponger.

And there on the roof, his eyes bright and merry,

Stood one Father Christmas, his nose like a cherry.

"Good evening," he chuckled on spying our hero

"You should be in bed because Christmas is near-o.

"I'm here on your roof with my reindeer you see

"Have you left a mince pie and some sherry for me?"

Well, you know boys and girls, you should not speak to strangers

And though Mr Dalek was never in danger

He primed up his zapper as Santa stepped near

And screaming "Exterminate" zapped his reindeer.

He zapped Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,

And Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.

He cried out "Exterminate" and watched them fall

Then he turned to face Rudolph and zapped him and all.

"Oh dear," said Santa, "You've blown up my crew.

"There really won't be any presents for you.

"The spirit of Christmas has quite passed you by

"And now I'm stuck here with a sleigh that won't fly.

"There were new toys for Adam right here in my sack

"But now I'm so cross I will just take them back."

New toys in the sack? He was happy and felt it.

He needed new friends now the rest were all melted.

New toys for the shelf! Well he just couldn't wait

To chase them around and to exterminate.

His balls all a-tingle, he turned to St Nick,

Apologised, although it made him feel sick.

"I'm sorry I zapped all your reindeer" he said,

"I understand I should have stroked them instead.

"Please give Adam his toys - he's such a nice lad

"And shouldn't be punished because I am bad.

"I'd cry if I could and beg if I had knees

"I'd go please please please please please please please he he."

"I see you are sorry," said gullible Claus

Oblivious to Mr Dalek's guffaws.

"I'll give you some gifts cos I'm such a nice chap."

And he lifted his toy sack into his lap.

And out of the sack came such wonderful things

A new Scooby doll and a Barbie with wings,

A Tigger with stripes that went hoo hoo hoo hooooo

A Thunderbirds ship and a cuddly Baloo.

Mr Dalek was happy, his zapper was tingly

He hardly could wait to destroy all these thing-lies.

But before he could zap and before they could fall

Velma appeared and kicked him in the balls.

"It's Christmas, you git," she shouted with passion

"You meant to be decent, after a fashion.

"You already zapped Freddie and Shaggy and Pinky,

"You would have zapped me if I hadn't said Jinkies.

"Poor Daphne has melted and so have her boobies

"I don't even know what has happened to Scooby."

And leaping and bounding 'cross Rudolph's dead hoof

She shouted "Hiya" and kicked him off the roof.

The snow broke his fall but it really was chilly.

And what made it worse, and he really felt silly,

Was that when legend told how his life had unfurled,

The whole world would know he'd been beat by a girl.

But fear not, my friends, though this story is told,

Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.

The Saga Of The Miraculous Mr. Dalek

Translated from the Kaledalekt by RetroRobot - ("RetroRobots Conquer & Enjoy!")

[Beware: relentless Dalekscansion and evil mutant Rhymingschemes!]

("ahem - mmwohhh-ohhhh!")

In elegance sartorial (and attitude 'conquorial')
magnificent Mr.Dalek's gliding by,
All eagerly aspy with the apple of his eye
(toffeestick wiv wafers inna stack)
And blue bubblegumdrops
in their silver backstops,
Angled panels glinting in the light.

Waves his plunger all about
setting enemies to rout,
For there really is no doubt
that a plunger is a terrifying sight!
With a tinny-tiny sonic attack
as he verbals warbly back
Before exterminating them wot gave him chat.

For his mini-Dalek might
(and we know he maybe could)
means that Mr.Dalek's bite,
For such a mite, is really rather good!
From a Dalek-view at any rate
it's good just to "Exterminate!"
- what else is a little Dalek's zapper for?!

Though he might think once or twice that it maybe isn't nice
When it gets you end up face-down on the floor!
But he just waited (as Daleks can do)
ever so long for his ultimate rescue,
Passing the time in endless review
(and hideously imaginative revenge-reveries)
of Mr.Dalek's long short-list of exterminatees:

First to be dealt with were Wakko & Jakko and Dot
(who'd pushed him off the shelf, down the back,
hoping he'd never be found or come back)
They were especially marked for extermination
- a justified end to their cowardly station.
Overlooking, of course, the real Why It Was Done
being, sneaky or not, they'd nonetheless Won!

Then old ScoobyDoo and feisty young Fred
- long on the list, but very soon dead!
Next Pinky & theBrain who
joined Mr.Dalek to 'Take Over Tha Woild',
But like all who serve Daleks their ambitions wuz foiled!

He saved Velma & Daphne & ShaggyDoll
from being stalked by theCreeper,
but only to eliminate competition - the cheater.
He knocked-off that monster who crept on the shelf
so Mr.Dalek could torment the rest for himself!

He also destroyed theMysteryMachine,
'''There's only one 'machine-of-mystery' on this little scene,
So it just had to go - you see what I mean!'''
shouted tough Mr.Dalek, menacingly
and pointing his zapper; pointedly.

But where would he be (all alone, sadly)
once he'd exterminated all of his friends?
Thank "jinkies" they're like Timelords
and regenerate when killed,
Again and again and agains...

To fulfil their roles as Dalek-fodder
(their inventive demises increasingly odder)
Happy shrieks of pain and terror
mean music to our ears
Except when our Dalek gets smacked on the spheres!

(Ballsy he may be, with plenty of spunk,
this miniscule bully, Mr.Dalek the punk.
But surely he'll feel 26 times the pain
if he gets a kick in the Balls once again!)

But nevertheless his ambition is endless
- undaunted by size, Mr.Dalek's relentless.
From revoking the Santa clause
to roping the Pope,
He'll take on anyone regardless of hope!

So how far I may wonder
and whenever in Rome
I'll remember Mr.dalek
and how he got home!

("The Eaaarrrrgh!!!")*

[* a Dalek knock-knock (or "plung-plung") joke: ]

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Dalek!"
"Dalek wh-argh!"(Zap-sizzle)

Mr. Dalek at the Eurovision Song Contest

Leaking from the mind of Martinus Scriblerus

"Know your enemy," thought Mr Dalek as he settled in front of the television on Saturday night.

"And now instead of our usual programmes we have the Eurovision Song Contest," said the announcer.

"We'll see about that," thought Mr Dalek as he elevated and set off for Belgrade. Moments later he swooped down on the concert hall and zapped Terry Wogan. Next he zapped the judges with a cry of "Null points!" Hovering through the dressing rooms he zapped each act in turn before finishing off with the orchestra and dancers. Mr Dalek left the concert hall, pausing only to zap Terry Wogan again on the way out. "That's for having two Doctors on your telethon last year!" he shouted, and zapped him once more for luck.

At zapper point Mr Dalek explained to the BBC technician that he wouldn't be getting anything more from Belgrade and that this would be an ideal opportunity to show 'Silence in the Library'. "While you're at it you might as well set up the next episode to follow. I hate waiting all week for a two-parter."

Mr Dalek flew home as fast as he could and settled in front or the television again. A rather nervous announcer came on. "Because of the unusual events in Belgrade we are unable to bring you the Eurovision Song Contest tonight. Instead we have a treat for Doctor Who fans: a double episode featuring your favourite Time Lord in 'The Daleks of Manhattan'."

Mr Dalek thought for a moment then zapped his television.

The End

Mr. Dalek and the Year of the Gap

by Benjamin F. Elliott

Dedicated to the known writers of Mr. Dalek - Adam Purcell, Karen Dunn, Tony Gallichan, Retro Robot and Martinus Scriblerus.

Also dedicated to Lisa, my darling.

Brain: 'All the flotsom and jetsam of the timelines stream in front of my eyes. I see all the possibilities of the past. Once a possibility has been exitinguished, I know. The timeline where Mr. Dalek stayed in Egypt and conquered the African continent. The timeline where Shaggy did not have to pay Daphne any child support. The timeline where Willow ...' (EXTERMINATION BLAST)

'You can be really boring,' surmised Mr. Dalek.

(opening music)

'They're remaking Bagpuss!' shouted Adam, his voice three octaves higher than normal.

The sound of Adam caused Mr. Dalek to approach. Mr. Dalek drove on his castors to the top of the stairs, then silently hovered down, landing at a discreet location. Mr. Dalek rolled into range to hear Adam continue his tirade.

'... I'll bet it is Hollywood again. Remake this childhood favourite. Revise this concept. Add stunt features. Replace the essential charm with a showbiz gloss that destroys the soul. Worst of all, let an American take control of a project. They never get these remakes right. But enough about this pizza. Getting back to Bagpuss ...'

Bored now, Mr. Dalek decided he needed to exterminate something to improve his mood. Rolling past a box marked 'new toy', Mr. Dalek found the next object of his destruction. The Scooby van. Filled with lots of 'scooby snacks' that Shaggy ate when Scooby was not looking. Ready. Aim. EXTERMINATE. There, now Mr. Dalek felt better.

After hovering back to Adam's room, Mr. Dalek decided to check in on Adam's toys, or as Mr. Dalek referred to them, 'my fearful subjects to rule, scare, and slaughter'. Pinky was asking Brain what they were going to do tonight. Brain said they'd do what they did every night - plan to take over the world. Boring. Scooby was bench pressing two DVD boxsets that were much bigger than himself. Still boring. Shaggy and Daphne were arguing. Hmm, that sounds interesting.

Shaggy: 'Look, Daphne, man. I'm just a little bit short this week. I'll pay you in full, next week, man. You've got to give me time.'

Daphne: 'That is what you always say, Shaggy. You don't have a job. You don't have prospects. And I know what the truth is behind the 'scooby snacks'. Get me my money tonight or I'll call in Patrolman Pat to take you away.'

Shaggy: "Daphne, man. Mr. Dalek is hovering behind you with his extermination stalk extended.'

Daphne: 'Shaggy, you always say that when you want to run away from your debts. I won't be fooled a...' (EXTERMINATION BLAST)

Velma: 'Jinkies!' (jumps behind the shelf before Mr. Dalek can find her. Surprised to find 3 of her jumpers there.)

Mr. Dalek seemed rather pleased at the end of that conversation, and looked around at his subjects, trying to decide who to interact with next. Clearly, Mr. Dalek was the greatest one and a half inch Dalek with a Made In Taiwan logo stamped on him in the world. He was on top of the world, but he was still bored. Tired, drowsy, Mr. Dalek did not even notice as his eyestalk closed and he drifted to sleep.

Mr. Dalek awoke the next morning to find himself and the rest of the toys on Adam's dining room table. Everybody was there, including the people Mr. Dalek exterminated before, because they always came back the next day. It was the annoying part of extermination as a toy Dalek - the victims always come back to life. The monotony of it all. If Adam had everybody on the dining room table, it could only mean one thing - another toy was joining the shelf in the bedroom.

Adam began 'This is the lucky day for the Scooby gang. We have the Scooby Mystery Machine van, Fred, Daphne, Shaggy, Scooby, and Velma plus some extra jumpers since they always seem to go missing. Now we have - Scrappy Doo.'

Mr. Dalek pondered - Who is Scrappy Doo? - as he hid another Velma jumper behind the television.

Inside the bag that Mr. Dalek had passed and ignored last night came the phrase "Puppy Power!" Adam brought out Scrappy. Scrappy was even smaller than Scooby, but he seemed much more like a human. He stood on two legs, he spoke English (American English, but what can you do?), and, well, just looked like a matinee idol dog. If John Barrowman was a dog, he would be Scrappy. And a dog would be easier to exterminate, so Mr. Dalek began to fantasize about John Barrowman becoming a dog. It would break the dull slog of life around here.

As the day progressed, Mr. Dalek found himself fascinated by the antics at the Scooby Mystery Machine van. The initial thrill of having a new friend, a friend who loved them and could recite all their stories - it had already faded. Scrappy had eaten two of Velma's jumpers that Mr. Dalek had not gotten around to stealing yet. Scrappy torched the 'scooby snacks' so that the smell would not affect his nose. Mr. Dalek had some trouble convincing Adam that he had not caused that fire. Scrappy even tried to chat up Daphne. Plus, he mistook Willow's magic cauldron for the puppy litter box.

All this carnage, and Mr. Dalek had not done a thing. It happened without his help. Mr. Dalek was not needed to terrorize the toys. Scrappy terrorized the toys for him. Mr. Dalek - could rest.

Years of exterminating the same people and toys, living out the same patterns, getting poked and prodded during tapings of the Staggering Stories podcast - Mr. Dalek felt he was in a rut. Now Scrappy provided an escape.

That night, Mr. Dalek persuaded Scrappy and a gullible Shaggy (after a few Scooby Snacks) to capture and tie up all their friends very tightly so that none of them could run away. Ignoring the terror possibilities (this was a business meeting), Mr. Dalek addressed his citizens. 'My citizens, I have decided that it is time to take a break from the vigourous work of ruling you all. In my absence, you shall consider Scrappy Doo to be your ruler. Obey him as you did me, or I shall come back and Exterminate you all.' Mr. Dalek exterminated Dawn, just to make a point. A prickly sensation at the back of Mr. Dalek's head told him that Buffy was an only child, so how could she have a sister named Dawn. But Dawn was exterminated, the point was made, and Mr. Dalek hovered out of the room, leaving Scrappy to decide when to untie the prisoners. Let us just say, they were not released until morning when Adam came upon them.

Mr. Dalek sat with Adam and watched television. Every day. At first, Adam thought this was an odd change of pace for sprightly Mr. Dalek. But soon Mr. Dalek felt like part of the furniture. He'd even get a bit of dust on when he forgot to move for a few days. The only time Adam did not find Mr. Dalek downstairs was when Adam's friends visited, and Adam would find Mr. Dalek trying to get up the stairs to avoid the inevitable playing with casters and eyestalk. After a few months, Mr. Dalek even stopped trying to get away from that humiliation. Mr. Dalek just sat, and sat. He got a sardonic grin inside when he heard screaming and horror upstairs - Scrappy had done something awful to the toys again.

Christmas 2008 came along. Adam's friends came bye for their Christmas podcast recordings. First, they would do their silly show for the world. Then, they would make up some exciting adventures about Mr. Dalek. Mr. Dalek wiggled his eyestalk and shook with energy for the first time in a long while, excited to hear about his latest great fictional adventure. The show came to an end, everybody had a going away glass of sherry, and Adam was the only adult construct in the house.

But where was the Mr. Dalek story? Mr. Dalek was most annoyed, and objected to this situation strenously with Adam.

'You did not do anything interesting this year, Mr. Dalek. You pretty much retired. Scrappy had a big year, but Hanna-Barbera are very protective about their copyrights and would take away my home if we made one of the Scooby gang the star of a story. We did the Mr. Dalek tales for 5 glorious years. Maybe that was enough.'

Enough! screached Mr. Dalek inside his casing. You can never have enough of my stories. How can I be uninteresting? I watched Television with you. And then I ... but first I ... and soon I ... I've done nothing of interest. For a further embarrassment, Mr. Dalek noticed that he just thought all this and hadn't said anything aloud, so Adam had got bored and went to open his new present. Davros.

'You have been very withdrawn and distant, Mr. Dalek,' Adam continued. 'With your creator Davros as your spokesman, the Dalek empire can have a voice again in our house.'

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! screamed Mr. Dalek to himself. That interloper altered time and made himself creator of the Daleks without our consent. Dalek history was much better when we came from the Dals.

Davros: 'I can hear what you think, Mr. Dalek. My telepathic powers give me control over you. I will be upstairs tomorrow morning to show you - and the other toys - my control. Good night, Mr. Puppet.'

Mr. Dalek knew who he needed to talk to. Twenty minutes later ...

Pinky: 'And what will we do tonight, Brain?'

Brain: 'The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Plan to take over the world. Oh, hello Mr. Dalek'

Mr. Dalek: 'Brain, I need your advice. I may even need your (gulp) help.'

Brain had never heard Mr. Dalek ask for help before. He certainly had not heard Mr. Dalek make a gulp noise. Fascinated in spite of himself, Brain listened to Mr. Dalek's tale of woe. Pinky suggested wearing long johns to stay warm, so at Brain's request Mr. Dalek exterminated him. They came to a conclusion - If Mr. Dalek wanted his life back as ruler of the toys, he needed to get rid of both Scrappy and Davros. Not just exterminate Scrappy and Davros, because they both would return. But eliminate permanently.

'Eliminate me! Scrappy! Ruler of you all!' Clearly Scrappy had been listening in. Mr. Dalek turned and faced the tiny dog.

'Yes,' said Mr. Dalek. 'I must put you where Adam can never find you, and regain my rightful place among the toys. Then I must do the same to Davros, who you have not met yet but is even more annoying and sychophantic than you.' To Mr. Dalek's amazement, all the toys hooped and hollered in joy at the thought of his return to power. Particularly the Scooby gang. Mr. Dalek could only ponder the horrors Scrappy had inflicted on the team, and imagine how he could recreate those horrors once he was back in control. 'Only I - Mr. Dalek - can torture Mr. Dalek's chosen people.' The praise from the toys muted a bit after that line, but even the threat of death from Mr. Dalek was less horrific than Scrappy.

'We'll see about that!' screamed Scrappy, with a girlish yet ferocious growl. Scrappy bit Mr. Dalek on the neck, and actually made teeth indentations. Scrappy held Mr. Dalek in a paralytic grip, keeping himself out of range of the extermination ray. Scrappy hauled Mr. Dalek to the open window - just a moment here. Adam, why do you have an open window at Christmas? Anyway - Scrappy made a mighty shake with his neck, released the grip, and sent Mr. Dalek flying through the air.

Mr. Dalek landed on the street, just beyond Adam's car. This was harder than he thought. Mr. Dalek had let himself become weak, and Scrappy Bleeding Doo had replaced him at the top of the toy chain. How humiliating. Mr. Dalek wished, just for a moment, that he could tell his earlier self to dispose of Scrappy when he had the chance. To live life to the fullest. Be the best Dalek he could be. The thought was cut short by the screaching sound of the car that did not have time to stop before hitting him with a tire. The tire deflated and Mr. Dalek was thrown to another part of the street. Mr. Dalek passed out.

(Play the Doctor Who 'Delaware' theme here)

Mr. Dalek awoke to find himself on a street that looked very much like the street in front of Adam's house. Indeed, he saw Adam's house. But it all looked different. Mr. Dalek struggled to get to the curb. His anti-gravity was offline and one of his wheels was badly bent. Suffering from great pain, Mr. Dalek climbed onto the sidewalk and tried to sheepishly stroll, er, wobble home. Maybe Adam would repair him.

A man strode out of the house who was clearly not Adam, nor any of Adam's friends. The man stared down at Mr. Dalek. 'Ah. So you're my new partner. Nice to meet you. I am DCI Mean Grunt.'

'I am Mr. Dalek. I have been injured, so my sensory perception may be a tad funny, adult male construct known as DCI Mean Grunt. Why were you coming out of Adam's house?'

'Who is Adam? This is my house. I have owned it for 5 years, since 1968,' continued Mean Grunt, with a gruff form of speech that women would find oddly arousing.

Mr. Dalek's speech would arouse no women or men. 'That would make the year 1973. But it was 2008 before I blacked out.'

Mean seemed nonplussed. 'You remind me of a friend who I cannot mention without getting into copyright trouble. Let's get you fixed up and go to work solving crime. I can be the nice cop, and you can be the mean cop.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Because I have an extermination death ray.'

Mean Grunt: 'Precisely.'

Mr. Dalek decided that it was best to let the situation play out. Had he gone back in time, was he in a coma, or was it some bad turkey Mr. Dalek had eaten off Adam's table earlier. It did not matter. Mr. Dalek would do something with his life, and see what happened. True to his word, Mean Grunt got Mr. Dalek all fixed up and shiny again. Mr. Dalek exterminated the people who worked on him, but spared Mean Grunt.

For two months, DCI Mean Grunt solved the crimes of the town with faithful Mr. Dalek in his front pocket. When a suspect was cornered, Mean Grunt would pull out Mr. Dalek to make the slimeball talk. If they were not satisfied with the information, or if somebody was in a bad mood, Mr. Dalek got to exterminate the suspect. A remarkable 97 crimes were solved during this period, though 47 suspects wound up on the Missing Persons list. Alas, Mean Grunt was Sectioned to St. Mary's Psychiatric Hospital for spending all his time talking to a one and a half inch toy with Made In Taiwan stamped on it.

Mr. Dalek decided that he was in the past for a reason. If Scrappy and Davros were not threatening the toys in the present, Mr. Dalek would be there to threaten the toys instead. Mr. Dalek visited the home of one Terry Nation. Terry was rumoured to have played a role in Dalek history. After explaining about the time travel, Terry gasped. 'You gave me the perfect name for this new monster I have to create. The BBC want me to stop remaking the same Dalek story. So I shall introduce their creator. And you have convinced me - Davros it is.'

Mr. Dalek asked Terry to say he was joking or Mr. Dalek would exterminate him. Terry said he was serious, so Mr. Dalek exterminated him. The Dalek timeline was safe from tinkering by its non-evil creator. Hooray!

By fortunate circumstance, Terry's house was across the street from a Convention Center. On the Convention Center was a sign - 'Meet The Writers Of Scooby Doo'. Well, thought Mr. Dalek. That was easy. Mr. Dalek started to wheel down the sidewalk when a little construct got in his way. Mr. Dalek reminded himself that constructs like these are called children, and Adam had promised violence if Mr. Dalek ever harmed a little construct.

Boy: 'What are you?' (said in a boy's Scottish accent)

Mr. Dalek: 'I am a Dalek. I have business at the Convention Center. I must go there now.'

Boy: 'My name is David. Do you want to be my friend?'

Mr. Dalek: 'No, David. I do not want to be your friend. You would just grow up to be an adult construct, and then I would exterminate you. I exterminate everybody. It is my function in life.'

David: 'I bet when I'm grown up I can defeat you.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Only the Construct known as the Doctor is capable of defeating me. And to be the Doctor, you either have to be an alien or a TV actor. I do not believe that you are a TV actor. Good day. And remember, when you have grown up, I will exterminate you.'

David: 'I can be a TV actor. I can be this Doctor. You will see, Mr. Dalek. Give it 30 some years, and I will be ready to defeat you.'

But Mr. Dalek had trundled on to the Convention Center by now. Being so small, nobody asked him for a ticket or money or other important things Mr. Dalek did not have. Mr. Dalek was able to go to the front row and listen to the Scooby Doo panel.

Executive 1: 'And we have bold new ideas for upcoming Scooby Doo. Some we can tell you about, some we can not.'

Executive 2: 'I am going to introduce another dog to the gang. A younger, clever dog who the kiddies will fall in love with. He will help the gang out with the harder cases. I call this streetwise puppy - Scrappy Doo! Let's hear it for Scrap-aaiiieeeeeeeeee!' (EXTERMINATION RAY)

Executive 1: 'Oh no! He was the only writer authorized to do the baby and child support story. Now we have to drop them too.'

Very pleased with himself, Mr. Dalek left the Convention Center. Many fans were most upset with Mr. Dalek. Some tried to kick him or stamp on him. Those fans were exterminated. Mr. Dalek understood. The fans were unaware of the pain and suffering that Scrappy could cause. Only Mr. Dalek was allowed to cause such pain. And now only Mr. Dalek would have the power to do so.

It was clear that Mr. Dalek was going to have to live his life day by day till he returned to 2008 and Adam. Mr. Dalek got himself various jobs to stay incognito and make money that Adam could use to buy more toys for Mr. Dalek to exterminate. (Just no more toys that could take power, please.) Mr. Dalek learned of a line of Daleks to be made in Taiwan. He decided to change the specifications so that all the Daleks had real Extermination rays like his own, making them so much more precious and dangerous to their owners. He also redesigned them so that the eyestalk had more motion and all the body parts could swivel around for attack formations. The only thing better than the ultimate killing machine is the ultimate killing machine - with improvements. A few weeks after the order went out, Mr. Dalek noticed that his own features had changed to match those of the toys he sent out. He had changed his own batch. Mr. Dalek had full eye control and could shift his body in all directions! Fantastic! Oh wait, that was the line of a future Doctor he had to exterminate. Anyway, Mr. Dalek took pride in the great work. Just as he took pride in the series of mass slaughters that erupted as little constructs got their toy Daleks and set the Daleks on their enemies the next Christmas.

Eventually, young Adam moved in to the house. Mr. Dalek's house. But Mr. Dalek could not go home yet. Adam and the younger version of Mr. Dalek had to have their adventures. Indeed, Mr. Dalek was not sure when he should arrive. The time line had changed in many ways. Much better TV, many fewer people alive. Around January 2008, Mr. Dalek could no longer stand the confusion in his mind.

Mind. Brain. BRAIN! Brain would have the answers. Brain made up that malarky about seeing the timelines. This was Brain's chance to prove himself. Or be exterminated trying.

Brain: 'Mr. Dalek. How ... scary ... to see you. Where's Pinky?'

Mr. Dalek: 'I exterminated him. It seemed easier than waiting for the inevitable.'

Brain: 'I understand. But how can you be here? Adam and his chums are playing with you downstairs. I hear you screaming in pain about it.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Have you ever heard of Scrappy Doo or Davros?'

Brain: "I cannot say that I have ever heard of a Scrappy Doo or a Davros Doo. Is a new toy line coming out that I should know about?'

Mr. Dalek: 'Excellent. I have erased them from the timeline. Now they will not be able to terrorize us all in 2008. I will be able to return and regain my place in the shelf.'

Brain: 'You altered history, Mr. Dalek? Idiot! If you alter history, you become part of the new history. You come from a timeline that you have now killed. Mr. Dalek downstairs and you up here are two different people. I shall look at the timelines to see the extent of the damage.'

Brain scanned the timelines that might have been, finding Mr. Dalek's old one and comparing it to our own. Brain had to admit that Mr. Dalek had made some improvements. Without Scrappy's influence Gordon Brown had stayed in accounting and UK budgets would be balanced for another 50 years. Doctor Who had run the same number of years, but the Dalek stories without Davros got an extra two million viewers each. There were other changes (like the mass death), but this short story is in danger of becoming a novella. Brain told Mr. Dalek there was only one thing to do.

'Destroy yourself. Let the Mr. Dalek downstairs live out his life. Let your sad, painful timeline rest in peace, having created a more evil, scary one for Daleks in its stead.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Daleks do not kill themselves! That would be silly! I shall kill Mr. Dalek downstairs and take his place. Right after I deal with you.'

After exterminating Brain, Mr. Dalek hovered down the stairs. To his amazement, it was the same night that he had wandered past the box that Scrappy had been in. And a box was in the same place. Well, at least it would not be Scrappy this time. It would be another toy. Mr. Dalek ran straight in to - Mr. Dalek.

'EXTERMINATE!' both shouted with a metallic grill-style shriek. Their death rays met and fed back on each other. The two Mr. Daleks were scrambled. One became charged positive, the other negative. The two Mr. Daleks came together and - merged with a mighty flash. (Cue lightning music.)

Mr. Dalek awoke the next morning on Adam's dining room table. He had two sets of memories. He was both Mr. Daleks. He was a better Mr. Dalek. He understood the responsibilities he had to his subjects and victims. The power he must never let slip away again. Life is exciting. Live life to the full, and take away life from everybody else! Yeah!

At this point, Adam introduced everyone to their new playmate, Elmyra.

Elmyra: 'Ooh. Two mice. I will hug them and love them and squeeze them and never let them go!'

Brain: 'Mr. Dalek - help please?'

Post Script: Mr. Dalek read this story out to the Staggering Stories people at Christmas 2008. Unfortunately Tony failed to press record, so Mr. Dalek exterminated him. Not very much - just his voice. Real Keith objected to this most strenously - so Mr. Dalek exterminated his voice too. Fake Keith pointed out that she wrote several of the Mr. Dalek stories. Mr. Dalek pointed out that he lost in all of them - and exterminated her voice. Andy opted not to speak - not to worry, Mr. Dalek knew where your voice was too. Adam threatened to delay Mr. Dalek's story for a long time if Mr. Dalek did not calm down. Since Adam then found his voice exterminated, it is not too surprising that this story did not come out at Christmas 2008. Still, another holiday has to be here soon. Happy whatever the day is!

Written - May 2009 by Benjamin F. Elliott.

TWIDW Inc for Staggering Stories.

No copyright infringement is intended on Doctor Who, Scooby Doo, or any other fictional character.

If you are a real life character you're on your own - consider it parody.

Mr. Dalek and the Amiable Assassin

by Benjamin F. Elliott

(Adam's bedroom. A trumpet fanfare. Buffy walks down a bit of red carpet scrap with Giles by her side. She meets her fiance Fred at the altar. Bridemaids and groomsmen line the carpet scrap. At the altar, Mr. Dalek - Vicar, wears dark robes and begins the ceremony.)

Mr. Dalek: 'So? How'd all this get started, then?'

Fred: 'I was at a pub in Crawley.'

Buffy: 'I was dancing with friends at the Nightclub next to the pub, and didn't notice them leaving. Suddenly it was 2AM.'

Fred: 'The rain was intense. I looked for a cab. And met Buffy there, heading for the same cab as I.'

Buffy: 'There were no other cabs around, so we came home together.'

Fred: 'We've been together ever since.'

Mr. Dalek: '2AM. In the rain. Taking a taxi home. (Wipes a tear from his eyestalk.) I could never have a life like that - because I am a Dalek. I would exterminate the driver of the cab.' (absently fires 1 random death ray)

Pinky: 'AAAAAAAHHHHH. (Collapses) Please return my tuxedo. It is a ren-tal.' (Dies)

Mr. Dalek: 'Oh dear. Thanks to that accident, we now have more bridemaids than groomsmen. I will just exterminate a bridesmaid to match the numbers. It's your turn, Daphne. Or - it WOULD be your turn if everybody wasn't running and hiding during those last few sentences. I guess it is time to play 'exterminate the wedding party'. Wait a minute - incoming conversation. Probably Adam wanting to play with us during his party. I will put it on speaker grille.'

Scottish Voice through Grille: 'I am here to ensure that Mr. Dalek is utterly destroyed.'

Mr. Dalek: (Freaks out a bit) 'ALERT! ALERT! Hostile intent detected. Voice identified! DANGER! Investigation and extermination required!' (Mr. Dalek shakes off his pastoral garments and scoots for the Turbolift doors Adam installed on bedroom. They open for Mr. Dalek and close behind him, as a Star Trek classic series pre-credits sting rolls.)

by Benjamin F. Elliott and Mr. Dalek

a TWIDW Production for Staggering Stories, Inc.

(Several Minutes Earlier)

Adam and his guests were settling down to enjoy dinner. Adam wanted to play with the toys and do role-playing games, but he knew a certain amount of decorum was required to keep his friends coming back. Andy had arrived. Keith and Karen. Jean. Jo! Two mystery people who will have no dialogue and whose faces will stay just out of focus to allow other writers to play with timelines later if desired. And the empty chair. No sign of Tony. Again. Adam went to slice the bread.

In the center of the table, a luscious red wine sat forlorn. Just about everybody at the dinner table had sworn off alcohol for various reasons. This wine kept coming from the wine cellar, sitting on the table untouched, getting just a tad warm, and then being put away. The wine wanted to be drunk. Its purpose in life was to satisfy taste buds and give sensory pleasure. Once again, it looked like it would remain unopened, unloved.

(A knock at the door)

Adam opened the door. A handsome Scotsman in his 30s entered the house. 'Hello,' he began. Karen, Jo!, and Jean felt a wave of sexual pleasure at just hello. 'I'm a bit lost. I am looking for the home of Andy ---------. My name is David --------.'

Everybody gasped. THE David ----------. The guy who made his living -------, was beloved by most of the country, and had a very hot lover. Full fledged star-struckiness was in danger of occuring.

Adam: 'I am Adam ---------. This is my house. How can I help you?'

David: 'Ah. Delicate matter, there. Is that a bowl of mints on the table? I love a good mint after a long drive. Nice and refreshing with almost no work. (Eats a green mint. Takes a few seconds to savour.) Anyway, delicate matter. Over 30 years ago I was threatened by an inch and a half tall terrorist. He swore to exterminate me when I grew up, and proceeded to slaughter many people inside a convention hall minutes later. I dedicated my life to having a career that would allow me to track this monster. And now I have. Sir, I must ask you to help me. I am here to ensure that Mr. Dalek is utterly destroyed.'

Yes! went the Wine. People are going to drink me tonight! Boo yeah!

(Noise heard from upstairs. Mr. Dalek whirrs into view at the top of the staircase.)

Mr. Dalek: 'It IS you. After all these years.'

David: 'And it IS you too.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Actually, two timelines converged. Part of me travelled into the past and lived an extra thirtysomething years. The other part is much younger and remembers a different life. Very confusing to casual audiences, so I try not to dwell on it.'

David, pulling out a long stick-like device: 'Well, you are close enough. Feel my wrath!' he cried, pressing a button on the stick.

Mr. Dalek's extermination arm pulled out of his body, flying into the room and knocking over a head bust of Jon Pertwee that Adam had lovingly mounted. Mr. Dalek could also feel that his elevation thrusters were offline. What was that thing? Mr. Dalek dared not risk another shot. He backed out of sight, flipped around, and drove rapidly back to Adam's room.

Jean: 'I don't wish to pry, and you are ever so attractive - could I get your autograph while I continue this complaint? Yes? Great - make it out to Jean - your handwriting is superb, by the way - and thank you very much. Now, as I was saying before your hot looks so - erm, what makes you think you can burst into somebody's home and decide to kill a member of his family?'

David: 'Mr. Dalek swore to kill me. My life's work is to eliminate him. It is my sole purpose. Everything I have done. All the TV appearances. The travelling. Even my romances. All to bring me to this place, to kill Mr. Dalek once and for all.'

Adam: 'Apart from trespassing and arousing my female guests - one of whom is married to another guest - from my party, I should point out that you had Mr. Dalek at your mercy just now. If you want him dead, why didn't you kill him with your magic wand?'

David: 'That magic wand is a 'Sonic Stabilizer'. It disables weaponry and does the work of a screwdriver in half the time. But it does not kill. I am a celebrity. I cannot kill anybody because celebrities do not belong in prison. You must understand that, my good man (pats Adam on the back). Oh, and it can make a shrieking noise that is very unpleasant, so you will all sit quietly or else. Adam, shall we discuss terms for you eliminating Mr. Dalek for me?'

(Back upstairs)

Mr. Dalek, having backed all his subjects into a corner: 'I really need your help with this problem.'

Dawn: 'I fail to see the problem. This David guy kills you, and you no longer threaten us. No one else here is an ordained minister, so Fred - eww Fred - will never become my brother in law.'

Buffy: 'I'd help, but Fred hates you. He wanted me to drop you as the Vicar anyway, claiming that Scooby was coming close to getting his online ministerial degree.'

Creaper: 'David is too scary for me.' (Flees)

Mr. Dalek: 'Et tu, Creap-eh? Then fall Mr. Dalek.' Mr. Dalek lowered his eyestalk to half-mast. 'I will be in the hallway awaiting certain death if anybody is looking for me.' Mr. Dalek headed for the door.

A half-man, half-fish swam through the air to Mr. Dalek. 'Hi. I am Sparacus. I'm new here. I thought I could help you survive and you would reward me. It is what the goddess Amdo would want.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Are you from The Underwater Menace? I loved seeing that story at DCI Grunt's house in 1973, then exterminating the negative of the film. I destroyed over 100 films back then. Good times.'

Sparacus: 'Yes, I was. Nice to meet a fan.'

They left the room, but not enough for the turbolift doors to close. Mr. Dalek made a mental note that Sparacus was a good egg. His extermination could wait, and would be as painless as possible. As for the traitors who had known and feared him for years ... internal power was back to 5%. Mr. Dalek could activate - Secondary Extermination Stalk! A miniature version of the Dalek stalk emerged.

Sparacus: 'It isn't very big.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Size is not important. Merely precision. Now, just one thing before we go to certain death.' Mr. Dalek blasted the sprinkler in the ceiling in Adam's room with a painfully slow ray. Water sprayed all over the place. Adam would be most sad over rare and valuable books being ruined, but Mr. Dalek had to make a point to the others. The toys all trembled as the water reached all parts of the room - they had watched Adam's DVDs. They knew what would happen next. Mr. Dalek pointed at the water and EXTERMINATE!!!

In the hallway, Mr. Dalek explained "This secondary weapon can fire one more time before shorting out, after which I will need the Adam unit to repair me. So you must keep the David unit occupied enough that I can exterminate him on the first and only try. Here we ... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!' (David had absent-mindedly hit a button on the Sonic weapon downstairs, smashing Mr. Dalek into a wall and sending his now useless Secondary Extermination Stalk across the room. Mr. Dalek noted that his power level read 0% as he passed out...)

(Back downstairs)

Adam: 'Killing Mr. Dalek is out of the question. I have heard all your arguments, and they don't get around you trying to kill one of my toys and threaten my guests because you had a bad morning when you were a little child. So - no.'

David: 'Adam, what's that pocket watch in your pocket?'

Adam pulls it out: 'I don't remember a watch being there. It's probably unimportant.'

David: 'You know - it is sometimes said that the essence of a soul can be found in a pocket watch. Open it up, please.' Very slight waver of the Sonic Stabilizer in Adam's direction.

Adam opens the watch. A flash of yellow light escapes, plays around, and comes into Adam's eyes. His eyes burn brightly for a moment before returning to normal. You can almost hear the choir sing/shouting as Adam stands completely erect. Adam's hairline moves forward a bit and the gray hairs turn jet black. His face looks just a tad shiny and Hollywood. His suit grows pinstripes. The music peaks - and stops.

'I am El Presidente! VIVA EL PRESIDENTE!'

(Imperial storm trooper music starts, but El Presidente stops it with a wave of his hand.)

David: 'El Presidente, are you ready to help me eliminate Mr. Dalek so that you can take control of the Earth?'

El Presidente: 'Absolutely. I'll just get his extermination gun from over here by Pertwee's head.' El Presidente picks up Mr. Pertwee's bust and sets him right again. 'Jean will do whatever you say if you need to keep the others in line. They are great at role playing games, so you cannot assume they are following your orders. They might be playing for time.'

Keith: 'Adam you traitor!'

El Presidente: 'It's El Presidente, to you, my loyal subjects.' (Starts up the stairs.)

David: 'Ok. That's settled. Now Jean, will you be a dear and get the lengths of rope and cuffs out of my suitcase over there? I'll need you to tie everybody up so that they do not interfere in my plan or El Presidente's work. I'll sign another autograph for you and let all the ladies have a nice feel through my hair when this is over. Any of the gentlemen too, if they are so inclined.'

Jean: 'Oh, whatever you say, gorgeous.' (Grabs the bag and starts sorting through David's equipment. Clearly David had been busy settling other scores before coming over.)

Karen: 'If you must tie us up, make sure you tie Keith and I together, as opposed to tieing us to other people. As a married couple we deserve that consideration.'

Keith: 'Can you tie us in an interesting position?'

Karen: 'You dirty man.' (but with a slight smile)

David: 'You're very good at working these ropes, Jean. I'd almost guess you'd done this before.'

Jean: 'Patrick phwoar S. visited a few months back. He found my attentions incredibly comfortable and completely escape proof, until those killjoy policemen made me release him.' (Sound of door opening grabs attention away from the end of that sentence)

Tony: 'Hello, everybody. Sorry I'm so late. Traffic was a nightmare. And somebody's car is parked in my space.'

David aims the Sonic Stabilizer at Tony: 'Jean - get out one more length of rope.'

Tony: 'Oh bod. This is the 4th time in a row we've been tied up at Adam's house by a major celebrity. I'd like to suggest we meet at Jo!'s next time and not tell anybody else where that is.'

Jo!: 'Seconded.'

(Back upstairs, Sparacus has awoken Mr. Dalek just as the Adam unit reached the top of the stairs. But Adam has a new personality - and Mr. Dalek's extermination gun in his hand!)

Mr. Dalek: 'Now Adam ...'

'The name is El Presidente! (Imperial March begins) Fellow citizens! It is now time for my plans to come forth and to conquer the world. First, I shall exterminate you, Mr. Dalek. Once you are eliminated then David downstairs will be able to help me conquer the world. We shall make cats the official pets - dogs will be kicked out. William Shatner will never be allowed to act again ... but I'm drifting. Here endeth my address.'

(Elevator Music Imperial March begins) Sparacus: 'You will not threaten my friend. I will stop you with my half-fish power!' Sparacus begins a graceful swim towards Adam, flowing free and powerful. About 4 feet into the swim Adam exterminates him. 'AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!' and all that. The music finally stops, to our relief.

Mr. Dalek was hopelessly outnumbered here. Adam had gone crazy and had Mr. Dalek's gun. The flight thrusters were still down. Mr. Dalek's new friend and all his subjects were dead (most by Mr. Dalek's own hand, but dead is dead). Adam's friends were immobilized. This looked like the end of Mr. Dalek.

To think - all this happened because of one chance encounter. Mr. Dalek was cranky at the wrong moment and annoyed the wrong power mad toddler. It was enough to make one rethink one's life. How much of the pain and suffering here was Mr. Dalek's own fault, and what did he feel guilty for? How could things be made right? What had he lea (EXTERMINATION BLAST) AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

-------------------------

Hello, everybody. Mr. Dalek here. I'm afraid I just had to exterminate the writer, Mr. Elliott, and take over this story. He was a nice enough guy and a useful quizzling for my schemes, but he failed the basic rule of writing for me, Mr. Dalek. Rule #1 - I am a Dalek! I am not some human or some weak-willed cutesy alien who will change their plan whenever the right human comes around to teach morality. Daleks have no morality! We scheme. We plot. We plan. We win because we are smarter than you. Now, Mr. Elliott may have written me into a corner here, but I have Dalek wiles on 1960s levels. David forgot something very important in his scheming. Pay close attention to the truth.

Mr. Dalek: 'El Presidente - a quick question before you exterminate me. How exactly is David going to help you take over the world?'

El Presidente: 'Hmm. Ah. Excellent question. Hmm. Ah. Well, we haven't quite gotten to that part of the conversation yet.'

Mr. Dalek: 'I should point out that - apart from his behaviour tonight - David has a history of kindness and humanity. Once his vendetta against me is complete, surely he will just stop there and keep you from doing anything evil or fun.'

El Presidente: 'Wow. You're right! Oh well, guess I'll just go down there and exterminate Adam.'

Mr. Dalek: 'NO! We are not strong enough to eliminate him right now. Besides, the last thing we need is police coming by here and finding out what I've been building in your basement.'

El Presidente: 'You're building something in the basement?'

Mr. Dalek: 'But I'm drifting. I shall suck it in, pretend to be nice, and get him out of here, thus allowing your work and mine to continue undisturbed.'

El Presidente: 'I'm so glad my Adam persona got you.'

(Two Minutes Later)

David: 'So, El Presidente, how did it feel to exterminate Mr. Dalek? (Short pause) Well, clearly the feeling was not too great - Mr. Dalek's alive, looking right at me, and his extermination gun is installed again.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Do not use your Sonic device on me, David. Just listen for a minute. Now, I know we got off on the wrong foot. I was in the wrong part of history. I had an errand to run. And I was just in a bad mood. I - ugh - a-pol-o-gize. I think that is how humans pronounce the word. I have been haunted by that day for many years, fearing retribution from the mighty man you have become. I see you in my nightmares. Now, if you have seen me in your nightmares, I humbly apologize. We can forget how off the cuff remarks can sound to strangers. Please let Adam's friends go now. Please. Please. Oh oh ple-ee-ease!' (I started crying here, to keep up the ruse.)

Andy: 'Ah. How cute.'

Jo!: 'You've read all these stories, Andy. You know what Mr. Dalek's up to.'

Andy: 'I know. But this story is essentially a three hander between Mr. Dalek, David, and Adam/El Presidente. I wanted to get some dialogue in. Feel involved.'

David: 'I believe you have changed, Mr. Dalek. I will give you another chance. (thinks a moment) You know, not being angry at you any more is so refreshing. I feel younger. I feel alive. I feel like leaving my job and trying something new, just for the experience.'

Mr. Dalek (I struggled to say these lines with a straight face): 'That is wonderful, David. Send us a postcard. Now, you should give Jean and El Presidente some scissors and any keys they will need to release their friends, and depart into the night.'

David did as I requested, and everybody was free in time to either wish him well or give out a death threat. I made David give me another 6 pocket watches like the one he'd planted on Adam earlier - I could use them to give new personalities to my subjects in Adam's room when they come alive again. Brand new people to exterminate - bliss. David left our house and got into his car - which was promptly pulled throuh space into a flying saucer. Still, that is somebody else's story - I was just glad to be rid of the pest.

El Presidente: 'Well, I have a new personality, and I think I will keep it. I'm afraid the time spent dealing with an uninvited guest and being held as prisoners has made the food go cold. Order some pizzas, Tony, if you please. I shall bring down the other toys and we can play with them till the food arrives.'

I tried to warn Adam/El Presidente about the watery conditions in his room and the mild dead-ness of his worldly possessions, toy or otherwise. But he did not listen. The doors to his room opened... He has not stopped screaming yet. I think the screaming helps him heal.

Now, as Mr. Elliott has been eliminated, I doubt he will write any more stories for me. I can always try to win him over, but death tends to harden one's attitudes. Maybe one of you can take up the challenge. Just remember - I will exterminate you and take over if your story is crap, or it makes me look weak, or if you include Worzel Gummidge. Mentions of Are You Being Served? are right out - don't even try ...

The wine was never drunk. It lived till the year 2164, alone and unloved.

The End?

Written - June 2009 by Benjamin F. Elliott.

TWIDW Inc for Staggering Stories.

No copyright infringement is intended on Doctor Who, Scooby Doo, or any other fictional character.

If you are a real life character you're on your own - consider it parody.

The Search for Mr. Dalek

by Benjamin F. Elliott

Mr. Dalek - The Missing Adventures
stories too broad and deep for the small screen, but fitting in with the classic ones

This story takes place before Mr. Dalek And The Amiable Assassin, and before the launch of The Flashing Blade Podcast. However, it occurs after Staggering Stories 52, which was weeks after The Flashing Blade began. Dalek continuity is a real pain in the neck sometimes...

-------------------------------------

[Previously, On Mr. Dalek]

Adam: 'I must go to Egypt. A vital object I need for World Domination is there.'

----------

[Adam's Bedroom]

Scooby Doo: 'Roo ran't ro to Regypt, Mr. Rawrek. Roo raw roo rall. Ru'll re rost rin ra rand.'

Mr. Dalek: 'Perhaps you are right. I will break the news to Adam gently.' (slams Scooby into the wall with his plunger, then moves over to whisper) 'Sorry Mr. Doo, but I must undertake this mission to help conquer all creation. (pause) REMEMBER.'

---------

[Egyptian Desert]

Adam: 'Hang on, Mr. Dalek! I'll save you!' (hold on to Mr. Dalek's extermination arm, the only thing he can grip)

Mr. Dalek: 'If I am gone, world conquest is up to you. I have trained you well.' (uncouples the extermination arm, falls through the quicksand)

Adam, falling on his rump with Mr. Dalek's extermination arm in his hand: 'NOOOOOOO!!!!!!'

----------

[Mr. Dalek Memorial Service, Egypt]

Adam: 'Of all the toys and fiends I have know, Mr. Dalek was the most ... EVIL!' (sheds a tear)

Karen: '21 Extermination Bolt Salute!'

Keith fires Mr. Dalek's extermination arm into the air 21 times. Everybody slowly walks away, unaware of the flaming wreckage of a plane that is crashing into King Tut's Pyramid. And three other burning planes heading for Egyptian landmarks. And a new pockmark on the Moon.

------------

(Mr. Dalek Voiceover as his theme tune starts) 'Evil, the ultimate power rush. Conquest of the universe is essential. This is the mission of all Daleks, and any agents that Daleks may employ. To seek out new life and snuff it out. To irrationally exterminate what no Daleks have exterminated before.'

------------

by Benjamin F. Elliott

A ghostly apparition enters Adam's bedroom. The figure hangs off the ground, all in white, with red pulsating eyes. It stops, looks both ways, and turns left. Right in front of it are Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, Buffy, Dawn, D'Argo, Rygel, and Aeryn Sun. The apparition boggles its eyes for a moment, then begins to let out a ghastly wail.

'AAAHHHHHH!' scream the gang, who started to run, and turned another corner.

The apparition continues to wail and turns the corner itself, only to find everybody looking at it with a smug sense of satisfaction. Only at that moment does the apparition look down to see the net with strings beneath him.

'Pull!' yelled Fred. Buffy, Dawn, D'Argo, and Aeryn pull strategically placed cords, and the net comes up, trapping the apparition tightly in quality weaving.

'I've never heard of a ghost that could be trapped in a web,' offers Dawn.

'You were created from wholecloth and missed 15 years of childhood. There are many things you don't know about,' Buffy replies, a bit more harshly than she intends. The recent toy audit has resulted in the UK Toy Government garnishing wages to repay taxes for gifts of 'stakes' that turned out to be 'steaks'.

Velma, ever practical, takes control of the speech-making. 'The trick is that we are not dealing with an apparition at all. No ghost. No alien. Not even reverse gravity. Our person is just wearing reflective paper on the lower part of the body to give you the illusion you can see through the legs. Pay close attention and you can spot some creases near the floor now where the paper has warped and frayed.'

The apparition groans a sigh of disappointment.

Velma: 'Anyway, I am sure we all want to know who has been trying to scare us and steal the bedroom's pillows. Shaggy - remove the white sheet!'

Shaggy removes the sheet to reveal - Pinky and The Brain!

Fred: 'Clearly Brain had a plan to use our pillowcases to make yet another death ray. The dust mites in the pillows could eat through almost anything. With that he could have blackmailed the governments of the World.'

Brain: 'And I would have gotten away with it, too ...'

Pinky: '... if it hadn't been for you meddling Kids!'

Brain: 'Don't interrupt me. I was going to say 'if not for my unreliable assistant'. You're the one who made all the creases and told three stewardesses about our plan last night.'

Our band of interpid toys pull on their ropes some more, hoisting the package of Pinky and the Brain up to the bedroom rafters, to think about things for a while until a sentence can be decided upon.

Buffy: 'Well, that was fun. I wonder what adventure awaits us next.'

Fred, getting on one knee: 'Well, actually, my dear Buffy. I've had something to tell you for a wh ...'

Buffy: 'Hold that thought, Fred. What's up with your friend Scooby?'

Scooby: 'Reek. Rokate. Resroy. Rareks conrewr rand resroy. Rareks conrewr and eat ruby racks. Oh ro! Ruby racks. Ruby racks!' Scooby tries to delicately reshape his right arm paw, but it will not go in the shape he was thinking of.

Shaggy: 'Don't worry, buddy. I have some Scobby Snacks right here.'

Scooby groans. Nobody understands his problems, not even him. Shaggy feeds Scooby some snacks, which Scooby eats unemotionally. Shaggy and the others wander off. Scooby comes to the edge of the bed, where the charred head of the toy of John Crichton can still be seen. Scooby frantically shoves the toy completely beneath the bed. What has he done? How has he done this? How long till he would feel the urge to do it again? Actually, he was feeling the urge right at that moment, and he sets off in search of an unpopular toy who will not be noticed for a while.

------------------------------------

Downstairs, Adam slowly examines the Cairan Egg, an artifact designed to give its owner mental powers capable of influencing the world. Friends, enemies, governments. All should fall under the power of Adam's mind once he figures out how to use the Egg.

Adam tracked the egg for months. He faked a family vacation to go there and collect the egg. And he paid a terrible price - the loss of Mr. Dalek, sucked into the sands. Two months later, and he has not found the energy to begin researching how to use the egg. Adam can barely look at it. Adam does not look at himself - no shaving, just a growing wolfy beard. There may be a time when Adam can use the Egg, but it is not now. Adam returns it to the Closet Of Evil, where it shares space with other priceless and rare artefacts designed to conquer the Earth. The pickle of Pelligrigino. The real Atomic Bomb from the Enola Gay in 1945 (the two bombs used that August were at half-power because they'd had to take the materials from one and spread it out). The formulas for New Coke and Crystal Coke. Fingerprint and DNA splicer that could make you impersonate whoever you wish. A 4 stringed Yo-Yo. Adam closes the closet door and leaves his garage laboratory.

(music plays to the lyrics)

'I want to be evil, but I haven't the nerve.
The price I have paid, it has cost me the verve.
No energy left. No strength in my sinew.
My strength was not in me. My strength was in you.

I need to move on, but my desire is gone.
To conquer the Earth, twas my plan all along.
Find inspiration. Total subjugation.
Mister Dalek taught me - Defeat the nation.'

(music ends)

Adam: 'And now I can't even get into tune for a random act of music.' Skulks off, with Andy walking beside him trying to cheer him up.

-----------------------------------------

[The next day, Keith and Karen's back yard]

Karen: 'This topsoil is terrible. Nothing we want to grow ever grows. Weeds. Crabgrass. Thistles. That's it. It is just painful to deal with.'

(sings)

'This has got to be the worst soil - in Craw-ley.
It's dry and - it's creaky.
I feed it and feed it.
It comes over - weedy.
This must simply be the worst soil - in Crawwww-ley.'

Man, with Gold-painted Gun: 'Are you Karen Dunn? Wife of Keith?'

Karen: 'Who wants to know?'

Man: 'We should talk.'

[And in the Front Garden]

Keith: 'Pruning the plants. Pruning the plants. Not doing anything but pruning the plants. This one looks like a G. This one like a U. Here's an I. There's an L. Got a T right here. And finally a Y shaped plant." (Pauses. Thinks for a moment.) 'Rooting out the plants. Rooting out the plants. Their time is done. They have been fun. But let's just get rid of these plants.' (all 6 plants destroyed)

A convertible pulls up. A tall man with a firm beard, a flannel shirt, and blue carpenter jeans gets out of the car. A shimmering gray striped cat named Wycliff wanders over to Keith.

Man: 'Are you Keith?'

Keith: 'Who is asking?' (but he can tell - he sees Wycliff the cat)

Man: 'My name is Brawny. I'm a Bounty Hunter.'

Keith: (sniggers momentarily, then catches himself) 'Why would a Bounty Hunter want to come by here?'

Brawny: 'Oh, you know why. I am here for you.' (pauses) 'Why did you snigger?'

Keith: 'Oh, it's nothing important. Just - 'Brawny' is a 'Bounty' hunter. Sounds like one brand of paper towels trying to eliminate another brand of paper towels.'

Brawny: 'Admittedly, that is funny. Especially the way you tell it. But that doesn't matter. You owe my client something of great value to him. You knew that if you did not return his property he would send Bounty Hunters after you. I am glad I found you first, Keith.'

Keith: 'You are not the first. Wycliff the ghost cat wanders past whenever a Bounty Hunter is around. Wycliff has been busy lately.'

Brawny: 'Wycliff from The Infinity Doctors! I loved him. He should have been in more books.'

Keith: 'Well, and now Wycliff's ghost is looking out for me. Beware his claws.'

Brawny: 'Look. You have failed to repay my client.'

Keith: 'Your client is hypersensitive. I told him it would take a while to repay. I broke it down for him with lots of diagrams. And now he's sending Bounty Hunters? Surely it is more expensive to send you guys than to give me some time.'

Brawny: 'It is more important to my client to make an example of you than to get restitution. My client is rather upset with you and takes your actions very personally.'

Keith: 'So what does he want you to get, exactly?'

Brawny: 'Either the return, unharmed in any way, or what he gave you, or I hand you to him - Alive or Dead - to face his revenge in person.' (Keith gulps.) 'Personally I'd rather hand you over dead. I hate people who don't pay their debts. So, do you have what my client wants, or will I have a good day?' (Brawny makes no movement.)

Keith: 'Well, actually ...' (shoots Brawny dead with the concealed weapon in his belt buckle) '... I think I am the quicker picker-upper.'

Karen, inside the house, blood-covered hands: 'What is that noise, Keith?'

Keith: 'Nothing, dear. Another odd person left their car running next to our house again.'

Karen: 'Ok.'

Keith brings Brawny over to the garden shed. Inside, he opens a secret passage. In the section of the passage marked 'Bounty Hunters', Keith adds Brawny to the other five. Karen cannot hear Keith as she is hauling a large object down into the basement, an object which drops a Gold-painted gun.

---------------------------------------

[Adam's room]

Shaggy: 'Hey, Scoob. You're about to have your 40th Birthday. What do you want on the cake?'

Scooby: (Silence)

Shaggy: 'You haven't been very playful lately.'

Scooby: 'The intricacies of the universe are too unfathomable for anyone to imagine. But imagine we must, or our minds turn to jello. We're falling through space, you and I. Destined to conquer planets and eat fish. Why would I think about fish?'

Shaggy: 'Scooby! You're speaking in easy to understand English!'

Scooby: 'Er, Roh Righm Rot.' (Places his front right paw in position facing Shaggy)

Shaggy: 'Ah. Must have imagined it. What can I say? I'm just so glad that class one 'Scooby Snacks' have been decriminalized. Party on, dude.' (Wanders off)

Scooby lowers the paw. Shaggy will not have to die just this second.

---------------------------------------

[Inside the house of Keith and Karen]

Karen: 'I wish you could trust me, Keith. I need to know if something is going on.'

Keith: 'Everything is fine. Nothing to worry about.'

Karen: 'Well, you're the guy who's sweating like he just pulled a body somewhere. Adam called. The Evil League is meeting tonight. We're to arrive at 7PM. I'm making a battle plan to conquer Ireland and a nice Apple Pie. You should prepare something too.'

Keith: 'I wish we were still called the Wicked World Enslavers. WWE looked so good on our team jackets.'

Karen: 'World Wrestling Entertainment had better lawyers. What can I say?'

Keith walks over to the pantry to find something to make for the meeting, while imagining how to bankrupt India with an evil Soft Drink.

---------------------------------------

[Adam's bedroom, Late afternoon]

Aeryn Sun: 'Has anybody seen John Crichton lately? I know he can be dense, but nobody can take this long finding their way across the room.'

Velma: 'I last saw him just before we set the trap that caught Pinky and the Brain. He was wandering off with Scooby to look at something.'

Brain: 'We're still up here in the rafters, by the way. In case anybody was considering - perhaps - letting us down?'

Aeryn: 'We have bigger matters to deal with, Brain. My John is missing.'

Shaggy: 'The Creeper is missing too. He hasn't scared anybody all day.'

Dawn: 'No sign of Xander, either.'

Daphne: 'I can't find the Mystery Machine.'

Buffy: 'We need to start a search for our room-mates.'

Fred, on one knee: 'Rats. Well, once this is done, we need to have a chat, Buffy. I keep getting interrupted. Scooby, come with me on the search.'

Scooby: 'Rar roo rure roo rant we ror ris?'

Fred: 'Absolutely. What could happen?'

Scooby: 'You could die. Horribly.'

Fred: 'Scooby - what's with the easy to understand dialogue?'

Scooby (right arm turns into extermination stalk): 'Roo rill rie - ran rhen reraps rome Ruby Racks?'

(Everybody panics for a moment, pulling back)

Shaggy: 'Scooby Doo, What Are You?'

Scooby: 'I am Mr. Dalek - Ro, Ri ram Rooby. Conquer. Destroy. Rooby Racks. Romedy.' (Scooby's head spins a bit)

Dawn, looking under the bed: 'I found our friends. He - exterminated them. And unlike Mr. Dalek's efforts - they're not coming back.' (throws up long and violently)

[Simultaneous to this scene, outside the house, a van arrives, driving onto the long and making very deep ruts. A D-List Celebrity named DOG, his disreptuable posse, and his cameraman exit. Wycliff the ghost cat walks across the shot.]

DOG: 'I am Dog the Bounty Hunter. I know from advanced knowledge that Keith, tonight's rogue, has a habit of arriving at this man's house for dinner and party games. We will apprehend Keith here before he can enter the house, and the buzz from this takedown will send my ratings up. Then I will hand Keith over to the client anyway and let Keith experience a fate worse than death. Oh drat, I shouldn't be saying this on camera.'

Cameraman: 'Relax. We'll edit it down to the stuff that makes you look nice.'

DOG: 'Excellent. Cause I am DOG - The Bounty Hunter. Now, we better move the van, as it might look a tad obvious.'

[Adam's Bedroom at the same moment]

Fred: 'Get Scooby!'

Scooby: 'I'm afraid I cannot allow you to do that, Fred.' (fires extermination blast as a teary eyed Shaggy tackles him - the blast being off target and leaving Fred with a very bloody but non-lethal flesh wound)

[And Outside, a pair of sunglasses on Dog's head have their middle section vaporized, with a pockmark appearing on Dog's temple]

DOG: (GULP) 'Well, dear viewer, it turns out that the type of bounty that Keith is wanted on is an official matter regarding UK politics. We do not have the right to interfere. Now that we know this, we will respectfully withdraw and let the British bounty hunters do what they do best. Next time - I go after a gang of 5 Killer Nuns who can do a mean Charleston on the dance floor while eating brains. I am DOG! Cut the camera please. Let's get out of here. And I'll need new trousers.'

Wycliff smirks as only a cat can.

[Back in the Bedroom]

Buffy: 'FRED!!!!' (checks Fred's pulse, then jumps Scooby, and starts to pummel him) 'Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog!'

Scooby: 'Wrat rappened? Rouch!' (feeling the blows from Buffy and the icy steel grip of Shaggy, both in tears. Shaggy's tears make Scooby feel just a tad - trippy.)

Velma: 'We can restrain Scooby with this Scotch tape on Adam's desk. Then we have to decide what to do with him.'

(Two minutes later, with Scooby completely incapacitated)

Daphne: 'Scooby claimed to be Mr. Dalek and imitated his speech patterns. He managed to turn that paw into an extermination - oh, it's turned back into a paw again. Clearly he is obsessed with that decased sociopath. Mr. Dalek has used one of our own to terrorize us from beyond the grave.'

Willow: 'Well, I could use some of my special abilities to deal with Mr. Dalek.'

Buffy: 'NO more magic!'

Willow: 'I was going to call the Toy Rehabilitation Operations Laboratory and have them give Scooby a psychological evaluation for us.'

Velma: 'T.R.O.Y. Shouldn't Adam be the one to call T.R.O.Y. Scooby is his toy.'

Willow: 'Adam tolerated Mr. Dalek for many years. He'd tolerate psycho Scooby Doo, too. Me must over-ride his authority and do the Doo ourselves.' (Dials the phone) 'Hello, T.R.O.Y. We have the ultimate case for you.'

-------------------------------------

[Downstairs, Adam's house, 7:45PM]

Jean: 'Dinner was delicious. And I love the new evil plans.'

Keith: 'Such a shame that none of these plans are practical. Our Dalek weapon is no more, and none of us have the political power to substitute for his death ray.'

Karen: 'You're a pessimist. Evil for the sake of evil is what we do. It is why we are evil. Now, who wants some of Keith's Angel Food Cake with antioxidents?'

(Everybody starts to raise their hands for cake, when there are 4 Knocks at the door.)

Adam: 'Just a minute, everybody. This is why I installed a doorbell.' (Opens door) 'It's Raymond Cusick! Hey, I haven't seen you in many years.'

Keith: 'Designer of the Daleks?'

Andy: 'Hero to the world?'

Jean: 'And still a good looker. It's an honour.'

Karen: 'Everybody loves Raymond.'

Raymond: 'Adam, I need to speak to you alone regarding You Know What from You Know When.'

Adam: 'Of course, Raymond. We can speak in my study. Andy, play some of your autographed William Shatner CDs to keep everybody amused.' (Adam and Raymond enter the study)

Everybody looks around, confused.

Andy: 'This is bad. Adam hates William Shatner music.'

[In the study]

Raymond: 'I got your note about Mr. Dalek. I did not understand it. Why have you not revived him yet?'

Adam: 'You must have been confused. Mr. Dalek DIED. He was sucked into the quicksand and destroyed.'

Raymond: 'I must tune my mind with yours for a minute. It is painless. It doesn't even require physical contact. Sarek was an amateur.'

(Raymond and Adam's minds merge, creating a collage of images and sounds. It ends in Egypt.)

Raymond: 'Oh. So Mr. Dalek failed to insert a copy of his mind inside you as a safety so you could bring him back in another body? Oh hamburgers.'

Adam: 'Mr. Dalek could do that?'

Raymond: 'It was part of his secret programming. The stuff Mr. Dalek does not even, DID not even, know he had. His mind reads the timelines and predicts his imminent death. Instinct takes over and inserts a copy of his mind into the nearest suitable host. Someone with either the brain power to handle two minds or the room in the brain to handle Mr. Dalek without over-taxing himself.'

Adam: 'This has to do with Mr. Dalek's destiny?'

Raymond: 'Correct. The dark secret that you have held with me since Mr. Dalek was brought to Earth and inserted into a toy shell. The secret we must tell no one till the plan comes to fruition in 2012. Mr. Dalek's destiny.'

Adam: 'If it was so important, surely Mr. Dalek would have done it before going to Egypt. He'd have put his mind in somebody who stayed ... here. Like the toys in my room that Mr. Dalek most of his time with!!!!' (runs out of the room)

Raymond: 'Mr. Dalek is one of the most powerful superbeings of all time, and you had him hanging out with children's toys?'

--------------------------------------------

[Adam's room]

Adam: 'Ok, everybody! Room meeting. Now.' (the toys gather, looking rather somber)

Buffy: 'Is this going to take long? We're on shifts helping Fred recover.'

Adam: 'It should be quick. Mr. Dalek may have put his mind in one of you. I need to find the one with Mr. Dalek's mind to pull it out and keep that one from going insane. Has anybody felt a bit, um, Dalek-y?'

(Everybody looks around)

Adam: 'Wait a minute. Who hurt Fred?'

Shaggy: 'It's so sad, man. Scooby went insane. He killed several of us and injured Fred. We had to send him away.'

Adam: 'Went insane? Did he mention Mr. Dalek?'

Shaggy: 'He thought he was Mr. Dalek. Even managed to make one of his paws go Dalek. Scooby's with the gang at T.R.O.Y. now.'

Adam: 'How could you do that? I need to get him back!' (runs out of the room)

Buffy: 'We were right. Adam cares more for that Psycho Killer than the rest of us. He'd bring Mr. Dalek back to life if he could.'

Dawn: 'I'm going to short-sheet his bed. Feel free to join in.' (Virtually all the toys go to work ensuring that Adam will have a miserable night's sleep)

Brain: 'We're still up in the rafters. Any plan to let us down soon?'

-----------------------------------------------

[Downstairs - the gang and Raymond in a meeting]

Jean: 'So, the whole backstory we know about you and Mr. Dalek is a lie. Mr. Dalek is somehow at least partially alien AND still alive. Your Scooby toy is infected with his mind and has been abducted by a secret society of toy psychiatrists that we have never heard of. But most shocking of all - we are supposed to believe that your delicious pecan pie has less than 200 calories per serving?

Adam: 'Maybe 210 calories, tops. I shall introduce the recipe to the populace and make Pecan Pies as popular here as in the Colonies. Only this version won't make you fat. And remember that you eat the slice without whipped cream.'

Raymond: 'All we have to do is pick up your Scooby from T.R.O.Y., talk to Mr. Dalek in there, and have Mr. Dalek give us the instructions to extract him. Oh, and we need a new Dalek casing to put his mind in. One slight issue - Mr. Dalek has clearly been a bit scrambled, or he would have communicated with you more clearly by now. He might get reset when put into a new body, unleashing information he is not supposed to know until 2012.'

Adam: 'I'll use this model. It is (insert color here), (insert height here), and was made by (insert company here). Hopefully sturdy enough to cope with any extra 'abilities' if Mr. Dalek learns his destiny too soon.'

Raymond: 'At least it isn't a sparkly green Dapol one from the year 2000. They were hideous.'

Karen: 'But what do we do if they do not release Scooby. He is supposedly insane. Plus the fact that T.R.O.Y. is trying to keep their identity secret from humans.'

Keith: 'We infiltrate the place and recover Scooby by force, of course.' (knife blade emerges from jacket lining - Keith quickly shoves it back inside)

Adam: 'I've got some costumes ready in case we need to infiltrate. Jean, here's a Pirate Wench costume to get you into any computer departments. Like all pirate, you have a knife, whip, and other weapons if needed. Keith - got a Han Solo one for hiding weapons. Karen - a Princess Leia circa Empire Strikes Back - same principle. Raymond - an Obi-Wan Kenobi cloak. Andy - here's a 4th Doctor outfit circa Series 18. I'll go as the Roger Delgado era Master.'

Keith: 'Andy?'

Karen: 'Shh.'

Raymond: 'I object. Obi-Wan got killed!'

Adam: 'Unfortunately the only other outfit in your size is a Classic Trek Red Shirt outfit made for a former member of ours - initials T.G.'

Raymond: 'On second thoughts, Obi-Way at least lived longer than the Red Shirts.'

---------------------------------------------

[T.R.O.Y. Secret Headquarters - Central London]

Adam: 'Look, I know you like to have appointments. But I tried to call ahead and nobody in your office would make an appointment.'

Yogi Bear: 'What can I say, my good man? If they will not give you an appointment, they must not want you to visit. And if they do not want you to visit, I do not want you to visit.'

Adam: 'But the Scooby in question is my property. I even have the receipt.'

Yogi: 'Toy law trumps Human law. And from what I understand, there is no way that monster will be allowed to wander free again. Scooby will be destroyed tomorrow morning, and that will be an end to Mr. Dalek. Escort him out, Boo Boo.'

Boo Boo: 'You heard my supervisor. Leave now or I will be forced to use force. And I'm rather mean. Don't try to outwit us to enter, either. Our hallways are patrolled by 5000 of the most vicious toys ever. Nobody ever bought this action figure. All of them, unsold, unloved - working in the shadows in this creepy place. Some say they've gone mad.'

Adam: 'I think you will pay attention to me - now.' (pulls out the Cairan Egg)

Yogi: 'Cairan Egg? Boo Boo, how long did we spend making that model last year?'

Boo Boo: '2 weeks, Yogi. One of the best fakes in our bunch.'

Yogi: 'Almost as good as that fake Atomic Bomb and the silly story about how they covered up its absence.'

Boo Boo: 'I have a personal fondness for the 4 stringed Yo-Yo.'

Adam: 'What are you saying?'

Yogi: 'We have known about your crazy desire to conquer the world for years, Mr. Purcell. But you're human. Not even a secret identity.* When we realized you had a toy as dangerous as Mr. Dalek on your hands, we set a series of traps. Each item was harder to find. Each time Mr. Dalek would come with you on the mission. Eventually he'd be destroyed. Or, as it turns out, hide in another body where he could be captured. The last two years of your life have been a manipulation by the forces of Good to defeat the forces of Evil. You're on Evil's side, in case it needs clarification.'

Adam: 'You toys did all this by yourself?'

Yogi: 'Well, we were helped by the police, UNIT, Torchwood, Ian Chesterson and the Master in a rare team-up, the Americans and the French in an even rarer team-up, the Iranians and the Israelis (I love arranging odd pairings), and Gordon Ramsay.'

Adam: 'You didn't include the Masons?'

Boo Boo: 'The Masons are great at throwing parties, wearing showy jewelry, and making nice buildings. But they can't keep a secret to save their lives. They are useless at organizing. Why anyone thinks that a Mason in recent memory could carry out a sneaky plot is beyond me.'

Adam: 'You're just saying that because the writer of this story is a Mason, aren't you?'

Yogi: 'The writer may be a Mason, but that doesn't make the statement untrue. Now, we have been more than reasonable with you. Get out.'

Adam: 'I'm going. But this isn't over.' (leaves, tossing the Cairan Egg, which breaks an expensive window)

Yogi: 'They will be back, Boo Boo. We will use plan 32-Quattro. Alert the security forces and our human agent.'

(*Adam would obtain the secret identity El Presidente in Mr. Dalek And The Amiable Assassin)

---------------------------------------------------

[5 minutes later - a forest clearing across the street from this Central London headquarters - now in their costumes]

Jean: 'Now, the outer guards are bears. Not just bears, but Yogi and Boo Boo. Boo Boo doesn't follow orders well, and Yogi has an ultimate weakness - Picnic Baskets.

Keith: 'So if we make a very large wooden picnic basket and put it outside for Yogi to find ...'

Jean: '... Yogi will steal the wooden basket and bring it inside T.R.O.Y., allowing us to stream out of it.'

Karen: 'It will need to support 1200 pounds weight (in case anyone has been lying about dieting - speak now), have secret trap doors, the lot.'

Adam: 'That's difficult. It will take up to 10 minutes to make.'

-----------------------------------------------------

[12 minutes later, outside of T.R.O.Y.]

Yogi: 'Hey Boo Boo. Is that a very large pic-a-nic basket I see before me?'

Boo Boo: 'Now Yogi. The Ranger told you not to take any more baskets. It's stealing, and they can give you a 100 pound on the spot fine for stealing in this country.'

Yogi: 'Actually, I've meant to tell you about this for a while now. The Ranger's dead.'

Boo Boo (teary eyed): 'The Ranger's dead?'

Yogi: 'Pollen allergy. He rescued a squirrel who was lost in a field of fragrant flowers, but at the cost of his own life.'

Boo Boo: 'What a sad but beautiful story of heroism. We should eat to his memory.'

Yogi: 'Lucky thing we have a pic-a-nic basket right here, isn't it?'

Boo Boo: 'I suppose so.' (stage wink)

Yogi: 'Well, help me get it inside. This thing is rather heavy.' (stage wink)

----------------------------------------------------

[Inside T.R.O.Y., beside a large picnic basket]

Adam: 'Jean, you're the computer whiz. Disable as much of the security as you can and try to make it so they will have a hard time chasing us. Keith and Karen - you make a sneak attack on the rear of their forces based on information from Jean. While the guards are distracted, Andy and I attack from the front and rescue Scooby.'

Keith: 'Andy?'

Karen: 'Shh. Let him finish.'

Raymond: 'And what do I do?'

Adam: 'Ah yes, Raymond. You can guard the picnic basket.'

Raymond: 'But we aren't leaving via the picnic basket, are we?'

Adam: 'Just take out anyone who finds the basket so they can't report us. We'll sort out transportation.'

Raymond: 'Okay.' (under breath) 'They clearly forgot to give me a plotline here.'

------------------------------------------------------

Jean sneaks into the central security hub. One man is on duty. As she picks up a vase to smash on his head, the man turns around.

Jean: 'Wyn?'

Wyn: 'Yes, Jean. You look - ravishing. Whoa! Er, anyway, this is the new security job I've been telling you about in my letters. Care for a drink?'

Jean: 'Don't mind if I do.' (takes a drink, shaky camera effect right here) 'Hang on, you're speaking with a Home Counties accent!'

Wyn: 'I thought it would help me fit in better here.'

Jean: 'You work for a gang of toys?'

Wyn: 'It's a living. Now, Jean, much as this is coming close - oh so close - to fulfilling a major fantasy, why did you sneak into my office?'

Jean: 'Work related matter.'

Wyn: 'You're trying to break out the Scooby who's infected with the personality of Mr. Dalek, one of the most evil beings of the past, present, and future?'

Jean: 'That sounds a bit harsh, and putting it that way might not portray my visit in the positive light that I hoped for.'

Wyn: 'I can recreate this office at home and you can break in there when I'm off work. Wear the same outfit if you like. I'd enjoy that greatly. Or I could break into your place again - I mean, for the first time. But you must not make any attempt to rescue that Scooby and unleash Mr. Dalek on the world. I would have to stop you. And I never want to stop you from doing anything.'

Jean: 'Look, time is short. You have to trust me. I need you to believe me.' (ferocious passionate kiss) 'Do you believe me now?'

Wyn: 'I'd believe anything you said right now.' (kisses back in kind)

Jean: 'Then believe me when I said - I knew I would need to paralyse someone for an hour or so with this psychotropic lipstick, but I did not expect it to be you.'

Wyn: 'Psycho-whosits?' (collapses)

Jean: 'Oh Wyn. This may be the third job you lose from our having to break in and cause a mess.' (Starts work playing with the security settings)

---------------------------------------------------------

[In some corridor in the back end of the compound]

Keith: 'We just got the signal from Jean. Security cameras are down. We can make the rear attack and draw out the forces.'

Karen: 'Excellent. Now we just need to find ... what the ---- is that?'

Keith: 'Boo Boo did say that it was a toy line that never sold a toy. What did you think it would be - Don't Touch Me Or I'll Call A Lawyer Elmo?'

Wycliff the Ghost Cat wanders past.

Karen: 'But just look at who the toy is based on?'

Keith: 'Whoa.' (hit on head by a shovel) 'Ow.' (collapses)

Karen: 'Oh Keith, my darling, are you ...' (hit on head by the same shovel)

(Keith and Karen are dragged out of the scene. Another figure walks into shot.)

Mystery man: 'Erik The Bounty Hunter is having a very good day. Yes I am.'

---------------------------------------------------------

[In some corridor in the front end of the compound]

Adam: 'Keith and Karen should be keeping the guards busy by now. Let's get this rescue started.'

Andy: 'Adam, take a look at the guards over there.'

Adam: 'It's an army of Prime Minister Gordon Brown.'

Gordon Browns, in unison: 'It is vital not to have an election at this time. We do not want the public to make the terrible mistake of putting the Tories in charge of this country. I mean - they don't agree with my policies.'

Andy: 'That f---er must die!'

Adam: 'Calm down! Now we'll have to bleep or dub over that line. Look, since these Gordons aren't following our friends, we just unleash our backup weapon.'

Andy: 'Nicholas Briggs?'

Adam: 'Quite right. Use #567 for a Nick Briggs - distraction during a prison break. Are you ready, Nick?' (pulls out a toy Nicholas Briggs)

Nick: 'Up to 5000 Prime Ministers? This will be my greatest performance. And I ROCKED in that recent Torchwood.' (Runs into sight of the Gordons)

Gordon Browns: 'What are you doing here?'

Nick: 'Oh, I'm a fan. I had a question about fiscal policy.'

Gordon Browns: 'We love fiscal policy, but nobody ever talks about it with us.'

Nick: 'Well, I have a theory that a fiscal mistake made by the Tories in 1797 is responsible for the world financial chaos today.'

Gordon Browns: 'That would mean that it wasn't my party's fault. We'd win in a landslide. Go ahead, man! Start your theory.'

-------------------------------------------------------------

[Communal Cell Area]

Keith and Karen awake, trapped in an an escape proof cell. They can see various toy prisoners.

Cell 1 - Speedy Gonzales: 'I don't belong here, man. I'm just here because my stereotyped persona has fallen out of political favor. I think.'

Cell 2 - Captain Scarlet: 'I've been alive for so long and can't die. Why can't I die? Why am I stuck like this? Everybody I know is long gone. Infinity is so painful!'

Cell 3 - My Little Pony 'Rainbow Dash', singing:
'All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang
as I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love and Joy.
All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang
as I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love and Joy.
And now I'm gonna do some free verse.
It doesn't matter what the words are.
No one is going to understand it.
The singer will mumble the lines.

All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang as I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love And Joy ...'

The 4th cell has a sign: 'This space reserved for Space Goat.'

Erik: 'Sorry for the awkward accomodations. Since I caught you on this official facility instead of out in the open, I have to get all the paperwork filled out and follow lots more procedures. I'll have you out of this room soon. Frankly, that pony scares me too.' (leaves)

Wycliff the Ghost Cat hangs around our heroes.

Keith: 'I suppose it is time to come clean. I borrowed a book. An out of print book. And now it's been taken and I can't get the copy back to its owner. So he's sending Bounty Hunters after me.'

Karen: 'First, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME! Second, this person is coming after you over a book? Sounds rather over the top.'

Keith: 'The man is obsessed with keeping all his collections in the right order. Anyway, I was doing pretty well until Erik here. I took care of 6 Bounty Hunters.'

Karen: 'Took care of?'

Keith: 'Killed them and hid them where they could turn into compost. Maybe we can finally make the back of the house good for growing things.'

Karen: 'How sweet. Of course, I knew you were in trouble. I've had to kill 4 Bounty Hunters and put them in the basement.'

Keith: 'You killed 4 yourself? My gosh he is sending a lot of Hunters after me.'

Karen: '10 Bounty hunters ...' (back to singing) 'This could probably make the best soil - in Craw-ley! It's brown and - it's creamy. I fed it and now it Gives Carrots and Zucchini. This must simply be the best soil - in Crawwww-ley!' (music ends)

Erik, re-entering: 'Ah. Time for the fate worse than death.'

Keith: 'Thanks for spoiling the moment.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[Execution Holding Cell]

(Scooby is tied in mid-air, spreadeagled, gagged, and mummified to keep from turning any appendages into weapons)

(Door explodes)

Andy: 'Nobody expects the Crawley Inquisition!'

Adam: 'Quick - Let's cut him down.'

Andy: 'Hang on - that was a great line. You're not even going to recognize it?'

Adam: 'Let's get out of here safely first.'

(music starts)

Andy: 'It's not easy ... being Andy.
Everybody thinks your life is fine ... and dandy.
But being a sidekick can be a burden
When you get the dull jobs and mediocre lines
And all that pertains with being the best friend.'

(music halts)

Adam: 'Everybody can hear these musical interludes. You'll bring the hordes on us.'

Andy: 'They're already here.' (points to hundreds of tiny Gordon Browns in front of them)

Adam: 'This whole thing is a miscarriage of justice. We are taking back my Scooby and going home.'

(All the Gordon Browns in the room pull out their Automatic Machine Guns)

Adam: 'Who would put a working machine gun into a toy?'

Andy: 'And how did these toys not sell like hotcakes when people found out they could fire live ammo?'

Gordon Brown in the front of the group: 'Put Scooby back in place. Tie up Adam Purcell to witness the final destruction of Mr. Dalek, and the salvation of the galaxy.'

Adam: 'What about Andy over there?'

Gordon: 'You're here alone.'

Adam: 'What? Andy?' (turns to realize that Andy is not there. Adam's been alone all the time. Adam is too shaken to resist capture.)

---------------------------------------

[One month earlier]

Andy: 'My fiance and I will be vacationing for 6 weeks. I've left my pets here to keep you company. Adam? Adam?' (leaves)

Adam: 'Oh hey, Andy. Glad you decided to stay for a while. You'll help keep me sane.'

[Present Day, Tied Up]

Adam: 'I've led us all to doom, haven't I?'

---------------------------------------

[At the Picnic Basket]

Jean: 'Raymond, have you heard anything from Keith, Karen, or Adam?'

Raymond: 'All radio silence.'

Jean: 'Then it is time for us to come to the rescue. These plans never work correctly.'

Raymond: 'We don't know which prison cell Mr. Dalek is in, let alone what will happen to the others if captured.'

Jean: 'Then we liberate everybody.' (grabs the codes to unlock all areas of the compound)

------------------------------------------

[Waste Department, Basement Level of T.R.O.Y.]

Keith (chained securely to a metal cage): 'Can't we come to some sort of arrangement?'

Erik: 'Well, Tony no longer wants the book, even if it is Target #154 - The Power Of The Daleks. He just wants you. In his power. Completely. Well, ok, he'd like the book back too.'

Karen (hands shackled to transport belt around waist): 'Oh, Keith. Tony the Gallichan? How could you?'

Keith: 'It's rather too complicated for this situation. Maybe when we can sit down and talk about this calmly.'

Erik: 'You will not be sitting down for a very long time. Tony wants you as his plaything. You will be frozen using this pink premium grade Owens Corning Carbon Fibreglass Insulation. It will suspend you between life and death till Tony decides what to do with you next. I will give him your wife Karen as a bonus, in case he actually still wants the book, or things you cannot provide.'

Karen: 'Seems a bit unfair. I never did anything to Tony.'

Erik: 'But when you think about it, the love interest can turn around and storm the castle for revenge later if left free to seethe over the situation. So best to just nab you now and save the bother later.'

Karen: 'I hate it when Bounty Hunters make good points.'

Erik: 'The solution will be ready to consume Keith in a few minutes. Now, I'm aware of the jailbreak going on right now, so the power running my equipment is on a different circuit to the power in the rest of T.R.O.Y. Even if they rescue Mr. Dalek, it will not free you two.'

Karen: 'Is there any chance I can convince you to rethink this. I can be very persuasive, you big handsome man.'

Keith: 'Oy!'

Erik: 'Suffice it to say that you would not be able to seduce me. But feel free to continue trying.'

Karen: 'Well now you've taken all the joy out of it.'

Wycliff gets very annoyed at the failure of Keith to outwith the Bounty Hunter and wanders off in a huff, not to return in this episode. He's found a patch of catnip to play in and go crazy.

------------------------------------------------------------

The representative for the society for relaxation in drama enjoyment wishes to remind everybody that this is a missing story. Virtually all of these characters appear in a story that happens later in the timeline. Therefore, they will all live, and you can relax.

------------------------------------------------------------

Jean and Raymond run through the corridors, flicking switches to open cells and scaring off various Gordon Browns with the machine guns of the first two Gordons they came across. Eventually they find the Execution Holding Cell. As they arrive, the switch is thrown to electrocute Scooby.

Scooby: 'Uhhhhhhhhhhhh!'

Adam struggles but is unable to get away from the wall. Jean jumps for the panel with the circuit breakers, cutting the power to everything under T.R.O.Y's control. Jean is mildly shocked.

Scooby: 'Ahhhhhhh!'

Jean: 'OUCH!'

Raymond rushes forward to release Scooby and Adam. Just then, Rainbow Dash the My Little Pony enters the room, holding a Machine Gun.

My Little Pony 'Rainbow Dash', singing:
'All I wanna do is shoot Bang Bang Bang,
As I Kill, and I Maim, and I Spread Love and Joy.'

Adam: 'Calm down, there.'

Gordon #47: 'We can talk about this.'

Raymond: 'Put the gun down.'

Scooby/Mr. Dalek: 'Kill! Maim! Destroy! Conquer!'

Jean: 'Oh, thanks a lot! Very helpful.'

[Mass hail of bullets fills the room]

'Rainbow Dash': 'LOVE and JOYYYYYY! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!'

Jean: 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' (grabs the keys to release everything and pulls out her knife for rope cutting while continuing to scream - you're allowed to scream if you can be practical at the same time)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The representative for the society for relaxation in drama enjoyment is cowering under the table right now in shock, horror, and fear.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

[Meanwhile]

Erik: 'Lower Keith into the Owens Corning Carbon Fibreglass Insulation.' (whirring noise as the crate is lifted and starts to sink into the molten core of insulation)

Keith: 'I hate scenes that parody famous movies.'

Karen: 'I know.'

Keith sinks fully into the Owens Corning, and a large dry frozen rectangle containing his body ejects. Most of Keith's features can be recognized, though for some reason his face resembles a cartoon panther.

Karen: 'KEITH!!!!!!!!!!!' (echoes an uncomfortable number of seconds afterwards)

Erik: 'Don't worry, my dear. I'm sure Tony the G. will tire of keeping your husband in a block of insulation and pull him out to torture soon enough.'

-------------------------------------------------------

[Our stars run down the hallway. As the shot pans, we realize that only Adam (carrying Scooby) and Jean are running. Raymond is not with them. Raymond's theme plays mournfully in the background.]

Adam: 'So, we've heard nothing from Keith or Karen? We have one dead on this mission. I can't lose them too.'

Jean: 'They probably got captured. Our best hope to rescue them is to get Mr. Dalek restored in Dalek form where he can largely level this facility. They are doomed if we do not get away now. Good thing you put the escape in my hands.'

Nick Briggs joins them, out of breath: 'So many politicians. (gasp) So much ... tedium!'

A wall opens to reveal a supercharged V-10 mini-van that seats 7. More than enough for the folks who made it this far.

Adam: 'Jump in the van.'

The 2 friends, Nick, and Scooby get into the van and scoot away.

Nick Briggs: 'I see living Bureaucrats. All the Time. I need therapy.' (shakes uncontrollably)

The gang drives away at high speed.

Jean: 'Thank goodness Wyn did not suspect anything.'

Adam: 'Wyn? I got a letter from Wyn yesterday. He's been back in Wales for a month. His job will keep him away from here for at least another year.'

Jean: 'Then who did I kiss?'

------------------------------------------------------------

[Office of the main Gordon Brown toy]

Gordon: 'And you are sure that Jean did not suspect anything?'

Wyn rips off a face mask and voice changer to reveal Jo: 'I had Jean completely convinced. She believed I was Wyn.'

Gordon: 'Excellent. We will include something tasty with your gruel and water tonight.'

Jo: 'Are you evil for trying to stop them from recovering their Scooby?'

Gordon: 'Now stop right there. That brown puppy dog has the mind of the most evil, most powerful, most dangerous Dalek in all of history. You had the dreams too. You saw what Mr. Dalek will do to the Earth in the year 2012 if we do not destroy him soon. Those people may not realize the full extent of Mr. Dalek's plans, but they know he is a dangerous menace. They want to reconstitute Mr. Dalek anyway. It makes them no better than Professor Zaroff, Professor Stahlmann, my A-Level English Professor, and many other Megalomaniacs who have recklessly pursued paths that would destroy the Earth. Intentional or not, they are on the side of Evil. We are on the side of Good.'

Jo: 'You are consorting with Erik the Bounty Hunter.'

Gordon: 'Unfortunate, and above my paygrade. That stupid blunder does not negate the rightness of our cause, and the wrongness of the cause of the Evil League team.'

Jo: 'In that case, I better tell you. I planted a secret command in Jean. She will probably eliminate Mr. Dalek for you. At the least, the commotion will bring us right to Adam's secret lair.'

Gordon: 'Excellent. Back to your cage while I deal with this.'

Jo returns to the Human kennel at T.R.O.Y.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[Silent Tableau]

Erik the Bounty Hunter leads the group, and starts the car. 2 hunters rope the Owens Corning Carbon Fibreglass Insulation package of Keith onto the roof. Karen, under guard and constricted as before, is shuffled to the car and guided inside. Everyone gets into the car and it sets off for the Coast.

Inside the car, Erik gloats: 'Tony purchased all of Jersey, kicked out everyone who did not work for him or serve him, and built a palace with actual air conditioning, heating, a Casino, and other creature comforts. He has the power to do whatever he wants. The Island of Tony will leave you begging for death. And death is very far away. With modern medicine you could have another 50 to 60 years. But I'm drifting ...'

Apart from being a helpless prisoner right next to your frozen husband facing a lifetime of servitude (if lucky) or torture (if unlucky), is there anything worse than having to listen to a talkative Bounty Hunter for a couple of hours? You know he's going to get into his family, his hopes and dreams, how he got into the Bounty Hunter business, the weeks of work to set up the trap to grab them. Karen is facing a long amount of tedium. But we have the luxury to jump away from this screen. The storyline of Keith, Karen, and Tony will continue in the next episode.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Adam's House, Garage]

Jean: 'So, where is your secret laboratory that you tell us all about?'

Adam: 'It is in this garage. Nobody looks for anything in the Garage.'

Jean: 'I've got your designated Mr. Dalek here, along with Scooby. What do we do?'

Adam: 'We ask Mr. Dalek, of course.' Looks at Scooby. 'Mr. Dalek, are you in there?'

Scooby/Dalek: 'Adam. Error skip zed-zed-two. Files unavailable. I cannot unlock all my mind. Scooby's brain is bigger than expected. Rooby racks. Rooby racks.'

Adam: 'I enhanced his mind as far as possible. I wanted the most intelligent Scooby Doo on Earth.'

Scooby/Dalek: 'I wish I had known that. There is not enough room for both minds. Rinds. Rwelp. Raggy! It results in two unstable, incomplete minds. Worse, I can't access the files you need for mind transfer.'

Adam: 'Thankfully I stole, er, BOUGHT a prop from The Muppet Movie set.' Yanks the tarp off the mind-transfer machine from The Muppet Movie - yes, that movie had such a machine, watch your DVD. 'Will this work to split you two back properly?'

Scooby/Dalek: 'Adam, you are an adequate human. It is the highest praise a Dalek can bestow.'

Adam and Jean turn on the machine. The Scooby figure is put into the send side of the machine, and the Mr. Dalek prop goes into the receive side. All that is needed is to flip the oversized Frankenstein style switch. But just after he flips it and the electricity starts to flow ...

Jean, slowly turning, singing: 'Space Goat. It's a goat in space.'

Adam: 'Oh Jean. Not you.'

Jean: 'Space Goat. It's a goat in space.'

Adam: 'Jean, you need to sit down.'

Jean: 'Space Goat. It's A GOOAAATTT In SPAAACCEEE!'

(whacks Adam on the head with a spanner - Adam collapses)

Jean: 'Space Goat.' Turns to machine and starts making adjustments using said spanner.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[T.R.O.Y. - Gordon's Headquarters. Jo has been brought back]

Gordon: 'Jo, your information has proven correct. Jean has acted. The commotion revealed the secret location - Adam was doing everything out of his garage. I always look in garages. Anyway, you have proven your value to us. And that means a reward.'

Jo: 'I get to eat actual food each day?'

Gordon: 'We will see how that goes. But we're upgrading your job from office technician/scullery maid to undercover spy. Once Mr. Dalek has been eliminated, our toy empire will be able to take peaceful control of all of Humanity. We will rule and guide you all with a loving but stern fist. The governments of the Earth are in disrepute and will fall easily. The only person with the power to threaten our plans is Tony the Gallichan, ruler of Tony Island. We just don't know if Tony will have the wits to battle us before the conquest is complete. We need you inside his compound, sending us information.'

Jo: 'You'll have to adjust the subdermal implants you have in me so I don't explode if I leave your compound.'

Gordon: 'You will be briefed on how much liberty you will be allowed during the assignment. Don't worry - we want you to succeed, not explode. Boo Boo will take you to wardrobe and explain what you need to do in Tony's compound. For The Glory Of The Toy Empire, and For The Protection Of Mankind From Himself!'

Jo (under breath): 'Drama king. Wonder what this Tony person will be like.*'

*As we said in the opening, this story is set BEFORE the launch of the Flashing Blade Podcast.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Adam's Garage. Adam awakes to find Jean sponging his brow to clean off the blood.]

Jean: 'I'm so sorry, Adam. Some sort of trigger affected my mind.'

Adam: 'You sang Space Goat. Which super powerful mind control person that we know uses that song?'

Jean: 'I've never even heard of that song. Must be someone new, and a new tune.'

Adam: 'What's the damage around here?'

Jean: 'The machine is smashed to pieces, a piece of American movie history destroyed. The Dalek awoke with one mind - Scooby Doo's. Scooby got a bit scared and started firing the gun by accident. He fled the garage just before your emergency bunker doors sealed us off from the outside world. No idea how your toys are coping with him. No clue if Mr. Dalek survived - the Scooby has been inert. And we have guests outside.' (Jean paused out of breath, as if she'd had to ramble off several lines of exposition to cover up that time and budget ran short, forcing the production team to not film several important sequences.)

(Quietly audible from outside): 'La-la. La-la-la-la. LAA-la-la, la-la. La la. La-la-la-la. LAA-la-la, la-la. Take position with the mushroom canon.' (If our gang could see outside, they would see that the Smurfs had traded in their traditional white leggings for brown shorts. Smurfette had a brown skirt - this is a family horror-comedy story, and nudity, swearing, and extreme violence can't be shown without getting a ratings certificate we do not want.)

Adam: 'We're under attack from the Smurfs. And they have a ballistic weapon. Maybe we're doomed.'

A vaguely metallic/doggy voice: 'The situation is dire, but we are hardly doomed.'

The Scooby Doll was floating in air like a Dalek. He had even mentally turned the front right paw into an extermination stalk.

Adam: 'Mr. Dalek, is that you?'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'In spite of the interference from the toys - should I exterminate Jean for you, by the way? - we wound up with two complete minds in two complete bodies. The minds are just in the wrong bodies, but that can be fixed later.'

Adam: 'Don't exterminate Jean. However, we have an army of aggressive Smurfs outside that could do with some killing. And it would be nice to get out of this locked room.'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'Wait a minute. Additional data emerging. New knowledge. Your face. Roger's face. Something was supposed to happen to me in 2012. It is happening - early.'

Jean: 'This is no time for a midlife crisis!'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'No crisis. More - DESTINY!' (Scooby's eyes light up, sending a beam that pierces the door and can be seen across the whole neighborhood)

Adam: 'We need to survive the next few minutes before we can worry about a cryptic decades-old destiny message.'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'Would you and Jean like to get inside my new force field while we talk about this. Oh. What do you know? New unexpected ability, and it may save your lives.'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby is indeed visibly showing a bubble around himself. Adam and Jean decide not to argue and get inside the shield.

Papa Smurf (from outside, on a Bull Horn): 'If everyone inside surrenders now we will spare all but Mr. Dalek. You can all live in a comfortable facility where you do not threaten the world or yourselves. Otherwise, we will demolish this house, take you out one by one, and eliminate you all. Earth needs to be safe from the horrific evil in this house.'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby (imitating a Bull Horn): 'No.'

Papa Smurf: 'Explain.'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'I said No.'

Papa Smurf: 'Now listen here ...'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'It means No. Now, let me tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to rescue Adam, Jean, and the toys in this house from the hordes of your Smurf fleet. Then I'll eat some hamburgers - two months without food really drains you. Then I'm going to rescue Keith, Karen, and anyone else threatened by your mysterious cabal. And then, just to finish it off, I'm going to wipe each and every member of your conspiracy off of the Earth!'

Papa Smurf: 'But you have no logistics. No budget. No script.'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby: 'And doesn't that scare you to death.'

Papa Smurf: 'Actually, it fills me with a lot of confidence. You are unprepared, and we are carrying out a plan after years of planning and rehearsals. Smurfs, prepare to open fire!'

Mr. Dalek/Scooby, talking to Adam and Jean again: 'Hold tight. This is going to get a bit messy.'

Papa Smurf: 'Ready! Aim!'

----------------------------------------------------

[Outside view of the house. We hear a voice from Adam's Bedroom]

Brain: 'We're still up here in the rafters.'

(BOOM)

Brain: 'Never mind.'

The End ... Of This Episode. Mr. Dalek will return, and will make it back into a Dalek body ... eventually.

------------------------------------------------------

A TWIDW Production for Staggering Stories. Written by Benjamin Elliott in 2009.

Doctor Who and just about all Doctor Who concepts except the Daleks belong to the BBC, who have hopefully figured out by this point that the story is written with love and not to make any profit.

The Daleks belong to the estate of Terry Nation.

All other fictional characters in this story belong to the companies or individuals that made them, and no infringement is intended.

All real characters in this story have been fictionalized, and this story is not intended to praise or criticize anyone. Well, ok, Wycliff was a terrific cat. This is a gentle comedy. No harm intended.

Mr. Dalek and the Betrayal of Trust

by Benjamin F. Elliott

We open on Mr Dalek, zooming across the floor to Adam's office. We do not hear any dialogue, but the tableau seems to have a very 60s musical feel to it. Like an orchestra was playing.

Mr Dalek enters Adam's office, where Adam is about to drink whatever that substance is in his teacup. The music drowns out any dialogue, but Mr Dalek shouts at Adam, tosses down a piece of paper so violently that Adam's teacup shatters, and zooms out of the office. With the paper is Mr Dalek's badge showing him as a member of Adam's Army Of Evil. Adam stamps the badge "resigned".

As the music continues, Mr Dalek has gotten upstairs to the place in Adam's room where Mr Dalek's belongings are. 4 of Daphne's jumpers. One book - the Hitch-hiker's Guide To Intergalactic Conquest. Spare extermination arm. Mind control jelly babies. Some laundry for quick costume changes. And so forth. Just as Mr Dalek finishes packing his suitcase, a mysterious suited figure (ok - it's Keith) is releasing a paralytic gas into the room. Mr Dalek notices the smell of the gas, a moment too late. The music comes to a natural pause as Mr Dalek passes out and the screen goes blank ...

by Benjamin F. Elliott

Mr Dalek's senses begin to come online. He is feeling groggy, and it is very surreal. Mr Dalek checks his senses. Eyestalk - check. Caster wheels - check. Plunger - check. Weapon arm - MISSING! Secondary and tertiary extermination arms - missing! Switchblade hidden inside the plunger - missing! And he feels something furry - himself!

Mr Dalek is disarmed, made out of fur, apparently 5 feet tall if he can believe the scale of the room, and all his hover abilities are gone. Warily he exits the room, and finds himself on a quiet neighborhood street. Sensing he is being watched, Mr Dalek opts to talk:

Mr Dalek: "Where am I?"

Unseen Voice: "On the Street."

Mr Dalek: "Pardon?"

Unseen Voice: "I am the Chief Scientist."

Mr Dalek: "How nice for you. Why am I here?"

Unseen Voice: "We need information."

Mr Dalek: "You won't get it."

Unseen Voice: "By hook or by crook, we will."

Mr Dalek: "Whose side are you on, apart from the 'putting people into tacky outfits' side?"

Unseen Voice: "Ha ha ha ha ha - ha ha ha."

At this point the voice leaves Mr Dalek alone, but our orange furry antihero suspects he is under surveillance. A bust of Jon Pertwee's head on the side of a building moves its eyebrows. And the dozen children of various nationalities in the playground supervised only by an 8 foot tall yellow furry bird seem suspiciously chipper and polite.

It smells of Manhattan. Daleks hate Manhattan. Mr Dalek starts to trundle down the street in search of a crossroad, or at least some reference sign. He passes a park or two, some brownstone apartment buildings, the odd old fashioned general store - no brand names. Mr Dalek continues in a straight line, and winds up back where he started from. Was M C Esher involved somehow?

Mr Dalek enters the nearest store. He asks for a map.

Gordon: "Here is a map for you." The map is labeled 'The Street'. "And remember," Gordon continues, "filming starts at 11AM. You'll probably just be in background shots at first, but you should make certain you have some songs, dances, and a memory game ready in the next week or so, in case you get asked to do a meatier part."

Mr Dalek exits the store, baffled. The map does indeed show The Street. There is only one road. All the businesses are things that kids would know of. And the map indicates a filming schedule. For some reason The Street does TV filming 4 days a week at 11AM, 47 weeks a year. And attendance for the filming is mandatory.

Mr Dalek does not like this place. He has a sense of Deja-Vu, like he remembers it from some horrific memory. Mr Dalek sets off across a park, trying to find another road, anything. Without his power, Mr Dalek fumbles around trying to get his casters to work supporting his felt frame.

Unseen Voice: "Do not let him escape. Release the Grover!"

Coming from nowhere, an angry, blue furry monster emerges. The monster runs at breakneck speed, giving out primal yells and screams. In Mr Dalek's current altered state, he is unprepared and unable to resist as the Grover grabs him in a vicelike grip of love. The Grover physically hauls Mr Dalek back to the street, and Mr Dalek passes out from the shock to his body ...

Mr Dalek awakes on the Street again. 10:58AM. The Street is now busy, full of humans and people in furry monster shapes like himself. Several of the furry ones have special chairs to wait their cues - that big yellow bird, a red whatchamacallit that likes to be tickled, a blue shapeless blob that looks very hungry. Mr Dalek is urged to the back of a gang of monsters who will be singing a big number.

The show begins. As the theme tune beings, Mr Dalek knows where he is. He thanks his lucky stars that it is the original 1969 theme instead of the awful 1990s rap remix.

Two awkward hours later (clearly the show must be edited before broadcast), filming concludes, and Mr Dalek finds himself left on his own. Or almost.

Blue blob: "Cookie Monster is my name."

Mr Dalek: "Why should I care?"

Cookie Monster: "I am not allowed cookies anymore. They tell me that cookies are a sometimes food. But sometimes never comes. The only C letter food I get is cabbage. C is for cabbage - not good enough for me. C is for cabbage - not good enough for me. C is for cabbage - it's all that I can see. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage starts with C! Well, you look a bit like a cabbage. And I'll bet you taste better than cabbage. Nom nom nom."

Cookie Monster moves in on Mr Dalek. Mr Dalek's current size and girth makes evasion impossible. Fortunately, taser bolts hit Cookie Monster. After some juddering and a touch of smoke, Cookie collapses. The taser leads recede into a trashcan.

(At this point the narrator calls out the author. "Trashcan? Wheelie bin, certainly." The author retorts "If you look closely, it is an old fashioned metal can, not plastic. Also, no wheels, so how could it be a wheelie bin? Also, we've established that this bizarre place resembles a bit of an American city, so trash can is the correct term." Quote the narrator: "Touche.")

Eyes pop out of the trashcan. "Are you for real?"

Mr Dalek: "I have been turned from metal to felt, plopped into a kiddy candy nightmare, and I have no weapons. Real enough?"

A green head emerges. "If you want answers, get in here, very quickly, very quietly. And if you're very lucky, you lost your sense of smell when they converted you to felt."

Mr Dalek finds the prospect of answers appealing, and gets into the trashcan. The trashcan is bigger on the inside than the outside, which gives Mr Dalek the unpleasant memory of an old enemy. The can stinks, so clearly Mr Dalek retains his sense of smell. Darn it.

Green head: "My current name is Oscar. In my life as a free entity, I was a Canadian prime minister. My name is unimportant - we're talking about Canada, here. But in the early 1960s, I was deemed dangerous by the powers that be. I was imprisoned in a seaside village that looked like it belonged in Wales. Government and spy people of all shapes and nationalities were imprisoned there, slowly being driven mad, our identities erased. Eventually a man codenamed 6 outwitted the system and brought down this village. Alas, 6, myself, and Wyn were unable to escape ourselves.

Oscar: "The powers that be decided to offload the village and us. In 1969 they struck a deal with a corrupt businessman. He took over the village, translated it into the image of a New York city street, started bringing in new prisoners of all shapes and sizes, and used his scientific prowess to turn most of us into monsters. He even videotaped the results and got it produced as a popular children's TV show. Adam J Purcell is the symbol of the devil."

Mr Dalek: "Hang on. ADAM! Adam was born in the 1970s, (or was it the 1980s?), years after this deal. I lived with him until I resigned yesterday. I never knew about this place."

Oscar: "Well, Adam must have thought you knew something, or he wouldn't have turned you into a monster and dropped you here unawares. I can't speak for his age, but some people claim to be here from the 19th Century and the 26th Century, so let's just assume you were betrayed by a time traveler."

Mr Dalek: "Was everything I knew about my life a lie?"

Oscar: "Have your existential crisis later, Mr Dalek. This street requires conformity and obedience. If you stray, or if you come across as too boring, you are eliminated. Unless I find the person and bring them here to the can for safety. Here's Prairie Dawn, my agent who protects those the Street has rejected."

Prairie Dawn: "I was a star on the Street in the 70s. I didn't realize the implications. I was turned felt when young and foolish. But then came "Elmo". The real US was getting more urbanized. There was no room for rural on the Street. Without Oscar, I'd have been dead long ago. Hundreds of the felt live down here, along with refugees from other TV shows. Did you know that the Dinosaur from your imagination likes to eat teenagers, because they're the right age and flavor now? Well, I have deprived him of 36 meals. Sadly, he usually outwits me. Life stinks. Sometimes I want to be caught and eliminated."

Oscar: "Mr Dalek, you know the infamous Adam. Adam betrayed your trust. Now you can use your knowledge of him to betray back and free all of us from kids TV slavery."

Mr Dalek: "You say this 6 character outwitted the original village. Where can I find him?"

Oscar: "They renamed him 'Hooper'. He escaped the Street in the early 1980s, the only way he knew how. They did a funeral episode and everything."

Mr Dalek: "Let's get a plan together. Adam will be destroyed, as will the Street."

20 minutes later ...

Prairie Dawn (popping her head above ground for the first time in years), Oscar, and Mr Dalek sneak around the playground. Oscar thinks he has disabled the cameras. But he does not know about the bust of Pertwee.

From out of nowhere, the Grover attacks. The Grover makes a beeline for Mr Dalek. Pale Prairie Dawn, drained from years of subterranean living, jumps between Mr Dalek and the Grover. Prairie cries "I shall be felt no more!" Oscar screams. The Grover makes contact.

Prairie's screams were heard all through the Street. As long as anyone on the Street lived, they would not be able to put the sound out of their heads. They would not be able to sleep more than 90 minutes at a time, either. It even caused the Grover to stop its assault, not that it mattered now.

Unseen Voice: "So, Mr Dalek, I see you are with Oscar and a friend."

Oscar: "His name was Wyn before you turned him into a felt woman, you monster!"

Adam J Purcell, 95, but looking like he's in his early 30s, emerges.

Mr Dalek: "Oscar is the ringleader of the resistance. Many many monsters are hiding in his trashcan, along with people who escaped from other kids TV shows. They want to take you down."

Oscar: "How could you?"

Mr Dalek: "Who do you think developed the time travel technology to send Adam to the 1960s to purchase the Village? Who do you think developed the technology to turn humans into felt? Who do you think thought it would be hilarious to have educational children's TV shows that were produced on the back of human suffering? I am a Dalek. Evil is my speciality."

Adam: "It was a beautiful sting operation. You never suspected a thing. Now we can crush the resistance and ensure the rule of our TV shows for generations to come. With the life extending techology Mr Dalek developed for me, I shall be around for all of those generations. Take Oscar off for a treatment, and round up the traitors in the can. Also, let the Dinosaur know that we found his missing TV dinners."

Bert and Ernie haul away Oscar while the big Bird starts hauling people out of the trash can.

Mr Dalek: "Time to turn me back into a Dalek and return to the gullible folks in Crawley. They will never know the truth about us."

Adam: "Evil be praised."

No copyright infringement intended. This story is not for profit and merely for entertainment. Doctor Who is copyright the BBC.

Mr. Dalek: A Day in the Dalek

by Benjamin F. Elliott

7:02AM BST - Mr Dalek opens his eyestalk.

7:03AM BST - Mr Dalek chats with Brain, comparing notes on plans to conquer the Earth.

7:06AM BST - Mr Dalek exterminates Brain, annoyed that Brain dared to have a plan that was better than Mr Dalek's. Mr Dalek quickly notes Brain's plan in his mind under "Plans I came up with myself".

7:08AM BST - Mr Dalek exterminates Fred for being a bit annoying. The rest of the gang on the shelf are starting to wake up and get concerned.

7:09AM BST - Drat! This is a busy day. Mr Dalek apologizes to everybody else for not killing them at the moment, but he has stuff to do.

7:10AM BST - Ok. One more. Mr Dalek exterminates a cute Time Patrol Weeping Angel on his way out the door, because it was looking at him funny.

by Benjamin F. Elliott

7:15AM BST - Mr Dalek explores illicitly obtained internet backchatter. This is the day of the meeting. Everybody Mr Dalek needs to meet will be in the same room at the same time. Perfect!

7:24AM BST - Mr Dalek spots Adam hanging decorations and preparing food. Strange. Usually Adam has his meetings with friends on Mondays. This is a Saturday. Still, Adam wasn't going to help with this caper, so it is just as well that he is keeping busy. Mr Dalek would be annoyed if Adam had sat back watching television all day while Mr Dalek was making strides towards world conquest.

8AM BST - Mr Dalek has everything he needs, including the time of the airplane flight. Mr Dalek had considered just flying to New York directly, but his propulsion system is not quite strong enough to cross an ocean - yet. Good enough to get to Heathrow Airport, good enough to get from Newark Airport to the destination, and let British Airways do the rest. Mr Dalek lives in the UK (till the conquest) - may as well fly British.

9:15AM BST - Mr Dalek arrives at Heathrow Airport.

9:20AM BST - Mr Dalek sneaks through security via the pocket of a worker in a Duty Free shop.

9:25AM BST - Mr Dalek hops into the bag of a person boarding a British Airways flight. The times match. Excellent.

10:27AM BST - The flight from Heathrow finally takes off, 35 minutes late. Thank goodness Mr Dalek is taking an early flight.

11:27AM EDT (4:27AM BST) - Mr Dalek looks out the window of the flight. He can see the coast of New York. Which he should not be able to see. The plane should be getting ready to land in Newark by now. A quick hack into the flight instructions (Mr Dalek wishes the flight path was still available on a TV channel to people flying like they used to) reveals that Mr Dalek is on the WRONG flight. This is a flight from Heathrow Airport to Dulles Airport in Virginia. Hundreds of miles from New York City. Drat. New plan needed.

11:29AM EDT - Mr Dalek has thought this through. If he makes the pilot land the plane, people will act like 9/11 and US flight traffic will shut down for days, keeping Mr Dalek from getting home. Crashing the plane, same result. BUT - if Mr Dalek cuts a hole just big enough to zip out himself, it will depressurize just enough for an emergency landing, but not enough for terrorists to be suspected. Mr Dalek can land himself, and airplanes will be available later.

11:31AM EDT - Mr Dalek found the plane surprisingly hard to cut through, but he has succeeded. Hello, New York City air! (Cough) Mr Dalek admits that air in Virginia would have been nicer to breathe.

12:15PM EDT - Mr Dalek gets to the United Nations building. The meeting is at 2PM. Should be easy to hide in the meeting room.

1:14PM EDT - Frustrated at the building, Mr Dalek interrogates a janitor. Alas, the janitor does not speak English and Mr Dalek does not speak Spanish, but the janitor does point out the map of the building. Mr Dalek studies it.

1:19PM EDT - Success! Mr Dalek is in the meeting room. He finds a good hiding place in the podium for the speaker and waits.

2:07PM EDT - The G7 ambassadors have gathered in the room (the ambassador from China was a bit delayed, and interrogated the unluckiest janitor in New York City to find the fastest way to the room). The time is right to start a 2 minute countdown.

2:09PM EDT - "Hello, gang! I am Mr Dalek. I am one of the most powerful beings you will meet. I am here to blackmail you all. If you do not help me out recording a single to be the Interplanetary entry at Eurovision, I shall embarrass you all. Normally I would kill, but that would unite your countries, which does not do me much good. So record my single, or I shall release all your personal passwords on youtube. Including passwords to the secret pajamagram accounts you would rather your wives did not know existed."

2:16PM EDT - On the third attempt, the ambassadors pull off a surprisingly good rendition of Mr Dalek's song. First line - "WAR! Ung! What is it good for - absolutely everything!" No one ever accused Mr Dalek of writing original song lyrics.

2:21PM EDT - The recording is complete. Mr Dalek prepares to leave. The British ambassador breaks down in tears. Mr Dalek hates it when they cry. "What is the problem?" asks Mr Dalek. "I became British ambassador, I scheduled meetings on Saturdays in April, all of it to avoid any reference to Doctor Who. I HATE that show. And then you come in here and remind me of it. As if I was watching today's premiere." "Hang on," replies Mr Dalek, "today's premiere?"

2:23PM EDT - A quick review of the ambassadors confirms that Doctor Who is resuming in the UK today. Mr Dalek is terrified. Doctor Who is his weekly ritual. Know your enemy. Mr Dalek has not missed a premiere since the return in 2005. Now he has less than 5 hours to get back to the UK before the 7PM premiere. Not enough time to fly.

2:24PM EDT "Mr British ambassador, what do you mean - 5 hour time difference, and the show started at 6:20PM BST????"

2:25PM EDT Mr Dalek tries to call Adam, but his phone is off the hook. Adam always keeps the phone off the hook while watching Doctor Who premieres. Adam must have known the premiere was tonight, and let Mr Dalek head off across the ocean anyway. Mr Dalek will deal with this betrayal at a later date. It seems he must find his own way to watch the Doctor Who premiere.

2:26PM EDT But first, Mr Dalek decides to get revenge on the ambassadors who made fools of him by not bringing this problem up 17 minutes earlier. Mr Dalek systematically destroys every soda machine in the UN building, and trashes the gift shop. The UN will be humiliated. Our luckless janitor is about to learn what is worse than being assaulted by a toy Dalek and a Chinese ambassador in the same hour - cleaning up the mess at the UN.

2:31PM EDT Mr Dalek looks through his rolodex of data. First, there is a guy who seems to know all about Doctor Who broadcasts. Puts out a weekly guide. Time to place a phone call.

2:32PM EDT "Hello. You have reached the voicemail for Benjamin _______. Normally I answer my phone calls, but today is the Doctor Who premiere in the UK. I can't see it today - I don't live in the UK and my computers have certain technological limitations. One year ago I sounded an alarm about the problems with Doctor Who broadcasting around the world, starting with how annoyed were that episodes were getting delayed before international broadcast. I suppose technically the situation is better now, but they have pointedly refused to do day and date broadcasting. The swine! Come on now! I mean ..."

2:37PM EDT "... Not to mention all the lost viewers who refuse to tune in weeks later for often edited episodes with big ugly bugs on the screen, mediocre picture quality, clips from the next episode spoiling plotlines in the middle of the episode you're watching ..."

2:40PM EDT "... For the record, I am not obsessed ..."

2:42PM EDT "... And I am not going to stick around today to watch the internet meltdown over the travesty. I hope the episode is good. Eventually I'll get to see it. But I am taking the day off from Who. Catch you later, assuming you leave a message after the sound of the beep." (beep)

2:43PM EDT Mr Dalek decides to try Chris from Radio Free Skaro on Skype.

2:44PM EDT "Look, buddy, I'm not sure I can help you here. My source for Doctor Who episodes is locked down - no new people can join the service. If they even think that I let other people have access to my copy, I will lose my access. I run a podcast - I have to be able to see the episodes on schedule before we do our podcasts. It's called research. And for the record, I am not going to salute you just because you're a Dalek, by gar. Be off with you."

2:45PM EDT Mr Dalek angrily sends a message back through time to February.

2:46PM EDT "Mr Dalek, did you just alter the timeline? I now have memories of nearly losing my place on the team. Somehow a podcast didn't record. All our episode numbers have changed! Stay out of my business. I know the Bridging The Rift people. Even Erik!"

3:25PM EDT Mr Dalek finishes going through his rolodex of contacts. Mr Dalek needs a better set of contacts. Nobody can get him the Doctor Who episode.

3:26PM EDT Mr Dalek tries Bit-Torrent.

3:27PM EDT Mr Dalek is infected by 5 computer viruses. Emergency purge!

3:34PM EDT Systems purged, Mr Dalek decides that Bit-Torrent files can be dangerous. Maybe it will be on a usenet newsgroup.

8:02PM EDT Only 1% downloaded. Pathetic.

8:03PM EDT Youtube! Of course. Everybody puts TV shows up on youtube.

8:04PM EDT Terrible picture quality. Barely audible sound. But it is something. Mr Dalek watches segment 1 of 7.

8:13PM EDT All the subsequent sections have been pulled offline for copyright violation and the user has been banned.

8:15PM EDT All the copies of the episode on Youtube have been pulled. Mr Dalek admits defeat.

8:17PM EDT Mr Dalek flies down Rt 1 into New Jersey. He will rent a room for the night and charge it on Adam's card. That will teach Adam not to let Mr Dalek miss his Doctor Who research. Mr Dalek will overpay for the room, order expensive research, and rent every possible pay per view.

10:10PM EDT Have you any idea how hard it is to get any sort of room near New York on a Saturday night? Mr Dalek has checked in to a motel 5 miles from Newark Airport. Alas, Adam will not suffer as much financial loss as desired.

10:24PM EDT A knock on the door. Who would knock at this hour? None of Mr Dalek's mortal enemies know where he is. And all of his immortal enemies are Jewish - technically the Jewish Sabbath is over, but they would wait till at least Sunday before causing trouble.

10:25PM EDT Ah, it's Adam. How did you get here so fast? I mean, I'm so angry at you.

10:26PM EDT How nice! Adam made a DVD of the Doctor Who episode and flew it and him over here on his secret Concorde jet, the last one in use on Earth. Mr Dalek will still make him suffer later for missing the live broadcast, but this does help prove that Adam cares. Even better, Adam's recording won't have that evil DVD region coding on it, so even the Panasonic DVD player in the motel will play the disc.

10:29PM EDT Disc Error!

10:30PM EDT This Panasonic was only designed to handle NTSC video, and Adam's recording came out as PAL! AAArgh!

10:31PM EDT Adam pulls out his laptop. Will Adam be able to cope with watching the episode on a screen this small?

10:33PM EDT Adam brought a projector as well. Mr Dalek and Adam sit back to watch the 65 minute premiere on one of the motel room walls.

11:45PM EDT Mr Dalek's day is done. Time to turn off and recharge.

The End

No copyright infringement intended. This story is not for profit and merely for entertainment. Doctor Who is copyright the BBC.

The 23rd of November

by Benjamin F. Elliott

23 November 1963
5:16PM Grenwich Mean Time

Hanging in the sky is a blue-green planet known as Earth. It is a very nice planet. On the surface of the planet, vast portions of the population are in mourning. The famed writer CS Lewis passed away on the 22nd, and it will take the humans a little while to get over the event. Some Americans are also sad over a shooting in Dallas, TX that eliminated a President. Humans and their parochial interests. Now, you will note that the edges of the screen look like we are watching through a telescope. That is because we are. It is a very powerful telescope. We are watching Earth from half-way across the universe.

We are standing on a planet that is in much poorer shape. 1000 years of constant war without a break can do that to a place. The solar body for the system also died of exhaustion 2 years ago, so this planet's goose is almost certainly cooked. Pity, this planet has a lot of technology. And we're standing on it, so we better make sure we get back on the ship to head home before it blows, or this is the last story you'll ever read.

A woman is looking through the telescope now. Her name is Klavella Ek. Her blue skin glows in what is left of the light. She tries to position the telescope so her little baby can look through it. "Now now, Dal. Take a look at that world. It will be yours one day."

The sound of a door to this mountaintop observatory closing grabs Klavella's attention. She turns around. Her husband Yarvelling has come home. We'll skip ahead four minutes to the end of the kiss, as their kisses involve a rather large number of body parts and ... well, just best to move on.

Yarvelling: "I didn't know if I would get home. There was so much strife at the council. Sorry you've been without me for the last 4 days."

Klavella: "Dal said his first words. 'Kill. Maim. Destroy. Cookie.' It was very sweet. Dal also fired his first gun."

Yarvelling: "His first gun? How did it go?"

Klavella: "We used the transporter yesterday to visit the blue-green planet you've been studying. Took us to a grassy knoll in a place called Dallas. I let Dal take a few shots. The first two went wild and flew into space. But his third shot went rather well. I think he got a human in a car downtown. The humans seemed most stirred up and alarmed."

Yarvelling: "So Dal does indeed have a warrior's instinct. Very good."

Klavella: "If only Dal had a world to fight for. How bad is the current situation?"

Yarvelling: "Well, looking at all the factors, our world is likely to break apart and lose oxygen in the next 2 hours. That answer is why the council finally let everyone go home to their families. They decided nothing mattered anymore."

Klavella: "But some things do matter. We have a transporter."

At this point the part of the observatory holding the transporter collapses, and the machine falls into a ravine.

Klavella: "Fortunately I have a plan D. We have a space pod big enough to carry Dal."

Yarvelling: "You would launch our baby off into space all on his own?"

Klavella: "We have the coordinates for Earth locked in. Dal would get there in just a few years. I have designed a bodysuit that Dal could survive in for the journey and in their opressively clean atmosphere. The minds of certain writers and others have been altered so that Dal will be welcomed and mistaken for something they thought of. Dal can live disguised as a toy until his mind is ready to download the cultural history of our planet. Besides, we've talked for years about conquering Earth. Dal will be our legacy, taking down that smug world."

Yarvelling: "So many variables. We will be sending Dal into a life that is probably worse than the death we face tonight. How can you do that?"

Klavella: "Have you listened to yourself, Yarvelling? You're sounding like a member of the Pacifist Alliance. BTW, the Pacifist Alliance are trying to breach the observatory downstairs right now, and will most likely slit the throats of us in a few minutes, so we're not even going to see our world die. All we can do now is save our baby, and doom Earth in the process."

Yarvelling: "We should love and hug Dal till the end." (Bang) "Aaaaaaaagggghhhh!" (Yarvelling's dying body falls off the cliff)

Klavella: "My poor, dear husband. As far as the universe is concerned, you will be remembered as the warrior, physicist, and blood lusting fiend that you lived your life as. No one will thing of you as a vile pacifist. My final gift. Dal, we must get you ready for your trip through space?"

Dal (very high pitched voice): "Cookies? Slaughter?"

Klavella: "No cookies. I love you, my son. Alas, you won't remember me. Not till you are ready for the knowledge to enter your mind. With the work I have done you will blend into human society as a toy. I have even used the names of our pacifist enemies to help write your cover story. When your knowledge returns, it will be time. Conquer Earth! Paradox the history if you have to! Enslave the humans. Find other worlds and take them down too. The final legacy of Ska-Ro is for its son, Dal of the house of Ek, to bring a bit of our world to Earth." (Dal is loaded into a tiny rocket. Klavella makes sure to include Dal's blankie and a sub machine gun.)

(The door is broken down. Daffodil wearing soldiers of peace storm in, followed by their leader.)

Dave Ross: "It is the end for you and Yarvelling. Peace will win! Prepare to die!"

Klavella: "Yarvelling is dead. But his legacy is assured. While you were breaking in I launched the pod. Dal is away."

Dave Ross: "How can you subject another planet to the misery Ska-Ro has gone through? Are you completely insane?"

Klavella: "Would an insane woman think to booby trap the door so that if it is broken down and a certain general walks through, the whole mountain nukes itself a few minutes later? Because I think that requires a great deal of thinking."

Dave Ross: "Oh dear."

Oh dear indeed, readers. We're still on the mountain. Quick, into our spaceship! Takeoff procedures! Get into the atmosphere.

Ka-Boom!

As we can see, the mountain exploded, and the forced ripped through Ska-Ro. The planet was already at the point of collapse, and everything has disintegrated. Empty blackness where Ska-Ro existed.

Flying through space, a pod carrying the evil that is Dal Ek is rapidly approaching Earth. On that planet, everyone will believe he is a toy, and Mr Dalek will slowly grow his power and influence. One day, when he leasts expect it, Mr Dalek will learn his origins. And that will be an interesting day.

The End... Of The Beginning

No copyright infringement intended. This story is not for profit and merely for entertainment. Doctor Who is copyright the BBC.

Mr. Dalek Robs a Bank

by Benjamin F Elliott

(A very familiar staccato sound starts up)

"Hello, my name is Mr Dalek. I got hit by a car and woke up in 1973. I got killed in Egypt and woke up in the body of a Scooby Doo. I got chased by a mad Scottish actor and nearly tortured to death. I extorted the UN Security Council and wound up missing the premiere of a Doctor Who episode. I ..."

(Voice from offstage) "Get On With It! We can't keep the staccato section up forever. We need to enter the main theme."

"Anyway, Am I Mad, In A Coma, Or just having a crazy time bringing evil, sorrow, and comedy. This is Life On Crawley."

--------------------------------

Mr Dalek Robs A Bank
by Benjamin F Elliott

It was 11AM. Brain was alive. Hooray!

This did not make sense. Mr Dalek had been particularly agitated lately, and had taken to exterminating all of Adam's toys every morning to try to calm himself down. The future was coming fast, and Mr Dalek was not ready. Fortunately, the horrific events of 2011 that would change the Earth forever hadn't happened yet. This was still 2010.

Brain decided that he needed to find out what Mr Dalek was up too. If Brain was still alive a bit after 2PM, his clingy girlfriend Velma would insist they watch Murder, She Wrote together. Brain hated mysteries that he could solve in the first 15 minutes - he'd throw himself in front of Mr Dalek's plunger if needed to escape that date. Pinky had been following Brain around for an hour, and invited himself along on Brain's mission.

Brain and Pinky found Mr Dalek at Adam's computer, seemingly surfing the internet.

Brain: "Mr Dalek, we haven't seen you today."

Mr Dalek: "Velma stopped by earlier and asked me to move the daily extermination to 4PM on weekdays to avoid conflicting with Murder, She Wrote. I agreed, and she said 'jinkies'."

Brain: "Oh dear."

Pinky: "Just a moment - you're on a bank website."

Mr Dalek: "Yes, I am."

Pinky: "You don't have a bank account."

Mr Dalek: "Your analysis is correct."

Pinky: "Indeed, you appear to have hacked into the corporate headquarters of Bank Of America using the fabled hi-met-usenet-site technique. You are impersonating the bank's president, the head of security, the local branches, the mortgage services, the FDIC regulators, and all of the customers."

Mr Dalek: "And why would I be doing that?"

Pinky: "Well, based on Copernicus' Theory Of Shoplifting, the reason you would hack into every single account in a bank and the accounts of all the security that would protect the bank would be to appropriate all the assets of the bank, leaving them completely destitute."

Mr Dalek: "And Bank Of America's balance is now - 0."

Pinky: "Ooh, a butterfly." (Pinky runs off to chase the butterfly and discuss string theory with it.)

Brain: "Sorry about that. Pinky's IQ is actually identical to mine, but he suffers from a tragically short attention span."

Mr Dalek: "I'd say Pinky's IQ was higher than yours. Did you solve any of that stuff ahead of Pinky?"

Brain: "Never mind that. You just perpetrated Bank Fraud! How is that Dalek behaviour?"

Mr Dalek: "Recently a few of my plans have had human interference and some bits of goodness and kindness have happened. I still do not understand how my efforts to exterminate the members of Parliament during a Prime Minister's Question time ended up in 1000 children getting free lemonade outside the Parliament building. I am a Dalek. I don't do goodness. So I am adapting strategy to eliminate human involvement. Hence - computer hacking."

Brain: "Moving some numbers around does not seem to be the most evil plan around."

Mr Dalek: "I will resist your efforts to get exterminated before Murder, She Wrote. That's right, I KNOW about your fear of that wonderful show with the evil Jessica Fletcher. She masterminded 400 deaths in 12 years, including half the population of her native Cabot Cove, ME, without anybody being the wiser. Jessica Fletcher is a hero and mentor to all real supervillains."

Brain: "Let's stop talking about Murder, She Wrote. Ok, you say you're being evil. You drained the money from the corporate offices of a US bank. Elaborate on the plan."

Mr Dalek: "Not just any US bank. Bank Of America is one of the biggest banks in that country. It has its tentacles into all facets of American life. Bank Of America is one of the primary sources of pain in the US housing woes right now. Bank Of America is stopping efforts of homeowners who want to sell houses whose values have collapsed (the original prices had been inflated by speculation from organizations that included Bank Of America, lest we forget). By preventing the sales through delay and deception, Bank Of America is forcing some people into bankruptcy and destroying the credit rating of many others. The bank is strangling many Americans and increasing the odds that their economy will go back into recession, and beyond that to a depression. With the size of the US economy, most other countries will be dragged back down with them. Right now, Bank Of America is the Enemy Of The World."

Brain: "Hang on. Bank Of America is EVIL?"

Mr Dalek: "With a capital E and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool!"

Pinky: "That stands for Pool!" (2 seconds later) "Ah, a butterfly, right here in River City!" (scampers off again)

Brain: "So your evil plan is to destroy an evil entity and free the American public from their slavery? What next, are you going to be a modern day Robin Hood and return the money that was drained from those saps so that the Americans can rebuild their lives?"

Mr Dalek: "A fascinating idea. Providing all the Americans with money with the the press of my finger. My choice to bring financial independence to a suffering nation. To be the being that the Americans thought Mr Obama was in 2008. That power would set me up above the gods. And through Adam's computer, I would have that power!"

Brain: "But would you do it?"

Mr Dalek: "Of course not. I'm a Dalek. I want Americans to feel enslaved and bankrupt. I want them to despair. I want the whole world to despair. But they are supposed to despair because of ME. It is my job to conquer the Earth. This planet is MY dominion. Bank Of America was usurping my power, and that is why I destroyed them. Check what I actually did again."

Brain: "Oh. You didn't just drain the money from the bank. You also drained all the money from the bank accounts of the policyholders and the employees. You left all of them dead broke! But that's just wrong. Wrong and dastardly. Wrong and dastardly and EVIL!"

Mr Dalek: "So, typing a few strokes on a keyboard. Silly little typing. Bet you're more impressed now."

Brain: "Assuming you remembered to hide your IP address to ensure that nobody traces your steps back to Adam's computer, then I'm very impressed."

Mr Dalek: "Hide my what?"

Pinky: "Brain? Dalek? Take a look out the window."

Mr Dalek: "We're talking here, Pinky."

Pinky: "Seriously, take a look. AAAAARRRGGHHHH!" (Mr Dalek exterminates Pinky for interrupting the conversation again.)

(Voice From Above The Clouds) "This is the Gunship Bank Of America. The corporate headquarters. Somebody in the village of Crawley stole our money. This person shall surrender in 20 minutes or Crawley will be destroyed by our impressive array of weapons."

Brain: "You were aware that most US banks have become powerful enough to place their corporate headquarters inside low orbital gunships now, and that bank fraud is dealt with via slaughtering the offenders?"

Mr Dalek: "Obviously not."

Mr Dalek and Brain hear the doorbell ring downstairs. Adam answers the door, and shrieks in fear. Mr Dalek and Brain rush to the landing to see what is happening.

Two Crawley police officers with disturbingly large truncheons and utility belts filled with various kinds of pepper spray and mace barge through the door and face Adam.

Bruce Wayne: "I am officer Bruce Wayne and this is my partner, detective Dick Grayson. Now, citizen, we know you hacked into the Bank Of America website. Tell us how to get the money back, and no more than three of your fingers will be hurt."

Adam: "What is Bank Of America?"

Dick Greyson: "Holy Denial, Bruceman! Mr Purcell here wants to pretend that he doesn't know he just robbed the giant US bank who is threatening our village with destruction!"

Bruce Wayne: "If you ever loved Crawley, you must do the right thing. Hand over the money, and let us beat you black and blue for a few hours, then turn you over to the Gunship Bank Of America for torture, a show trial, and finally a slow death. Hopefully in the correct order or it will get messy."

Brain: "Mr Dalek, we must act! Quickly!"

Mr Dalek: "That IP address thing you mentioned. If we used your computer skills to leave a trail that convinces the bank that someone else stole the money and framed Adam, we could end this standoff right now."

Brain: "I will not destroy an innocent life."

Mr Dalek: "This life is not innocent."

-----------

Three Minutes Later

Mr Dalek (having just got back to the landing): "See, that was evil and fun."

Brain: "Bear in mind that by punishing people who are guilty of evil things, you will be bringing justice and closure for a lot of people."

Mr Dalek: "I know. But you can't win them all."

Bruce Wayne: "Officer Greyson, bring out the Big Book of Japanese Riddles!"

Adam: "Do you expect me to talk?"

Bruce Wayne: "No, Mr Purcell. I expect your brain to fry! From trying to solve these darn riddles - they are very complex."

(Voice From Above The Clouds): "Just a moment, town of Crawley. You were framed. We have found the data trail. The person who really drained our funds is the Chief Minister of the State of Jersey. We shall make him return the money or sink the Island. Then we will torture him slowly. And only after that will we allow him to die. Have a pleasant day." (Gunship motors can be heard as it moves off towards Jersey.)

Dick Greyson: "Holy miscommunication. Sorry we almost tortured you, there."

Bruce Wayne: "No time for apologies, chum. We must get to Jersey to try to bring a peaceful surrender before the Gunship gets kill-crazy."

Dick Greyson: "Aren't we supposed to just be working in Crawley?"

Bruce Wayne: "No time for insolence. To the Cop Copter!" Bruce and Dick race off to bring "peace" to Jersey.

Adam: "Well, those were a few terrible minutes. I'll make a twitter comment about it from the computer."

Mr Dalek: "I left the computer on the website from which I was hacking into Bank Of America."

Brain: "We've got to get to that machine before Adam does."

Adam: "You forget, guys. I can hear you. Indeed, I'm surprised those two police officers couldn't hear you. So, Mr Dalek, you destroyed an entire evil US bank and will probably send the Americans into a depression?"

Mr Dalek: "I had time to kill. Murder, She Wrote is being pre-empted today for a Crimewatch special. Ugh."

Brain: "So I was never in danger of having to watch that show? I didn't need to risk trying to get you to exterminate ... AAAARRGGGHHHH!" (Mr Dalek exterinates Brain)

Adam: "I was nearly tortured to death over this stunt."

Mr Dalek: "You can have 30% of the money."

Adam: "In that case, I look forward to your next bank robbery."

--------------------

You Have Been Reading:

Mr Dalek Robs A Bank

Cast List:

Voice of Mr Dalek ..... Mr Dalek

Voice of Brain ..... Mark Gatiss

Voice of Pinky ..... David Tennant

Adam J Purcell ..... Adam J Purcell

Bruce Wayne ..... Adam West

Dick Greyson ..... Burt Ward

Voice of Gunship Bank Of America ..... Brian Blessed

The American People ..... Doomed, either by Bank Of America or by Mr Dalek - not much difference except Mr Dalek is more honest

FIN

Mr. Dalek and the Attack of the Teletubbies

by Patrick Lickman

It was the end of another typical day in Crawley. Mr Dalek had exterminated all the toys for the day. The Scooby Gang had been killed around midday, because Scooby had been throwing Scooby Snacks at him - Mr Dalek couldn't stand Scooby Snacks, they had been giving him a bit of an allergic reaction as of late. The Animaniacs continued to infuriate Mr Dalek, by rhyming every word with every other word, so off they went. Brain had been killed because- well, just because. Yes, all the toys had been killed- all except one. Pinky was on his knees, begging for mercy.

"Please, Mr Dalek! Just once, just this one night, why not show a little compassion? This room would be a better place if it weren't for your constant random exterminations! What do I have to do to stop you murdering us all?"

Mr Dalek thought about this. Perhaps Pinky had a point. What if, for a small amount of time, he gave exterminations a rest? He was feeling a little tired, after having to deal with the events of the last few years. And if the foretold events of 2011 turned out to really happen...he'd need to save a lot of extermination energy for that.

There was a knock at the door downstairs. Mr Dalek heard Adam open it, and greet the familiar voices of his friends. Aha! This was what Mr Dalek had been waiting for. He rushed out the room. Pinky breathed a sigh of relief. It looked like he wasn't going to be exterminated after all.

Now what?

Pinky wandered around for a bit, then went for a nap.

* * *

Mr Dalek crept to the top of the stairs, and listened. Tonight, Adam was recording the Staggering Stories thingamajig, and Mr Dalek had taken to listening in on these recordings. Recently they had been discussing classified information regarding the Dalek's greatest enemy, The Doctor. Mr Dalek would normally watch the shows himself, but had been busy with his exterminations recently.

He had made certain to listen in this time though, since they were going to be discussing the Daleks themselves! Perhaps his leaders had instructions for him. Perhaps something terrible had happened, and he'd have to save them. He'd been stuck in Crawley so long, he'd forgotten what it was like to rule the world. Or had he never known in the first place? He pondered this for a while, as the humans below him discussed 'news'. Come on, he thought, get to the good stuff!

“And now.....Doctor Who!” said one of the humans (they all looked the same to Mr Dalek). At last! Mr Dalek readied himself for the information. He listened carefully, for about half an hour.

What was this? A new design on the Master Race? Fascinating. Were they bigger and better than before? Were they a brilliant new take on the old, classic idea. More importantly, would he get to upgrade? He listened on, to see what the new Daleks were like.

….hmm. Well.

This was excellent news! If the humans hated the new Daleks for their point of view (the wrong one), then they must be wonderful from his point of view (the right one, of course)! He was almost waving his plunger in the air with joy, when a passing remark from the one known as Real Keith ruined everything.

“These are like the Teletubby Daleks!”

Oh no. Mr Dalek's cast his mind back to a week ago, and the bloody events of that fateful Tuesday afternoon, and the Teletubby massacre. He remembered the warning of the Teletubbies...

“The tele-tubby legion has many forms. We will make you feel very silly and dumb before you die.”

A shiver went up Mr Dalek's ray gun. Was it possible? Were the Teletubbies returning- but this time, in Mr Dalek's very own form? He'd need to be very wary of them, should they decide to exact their revenge upon him.

But then, why would they? If they wanted to kill him, why go to such lengths? And it wasn't as if he'd even seen another Dalek besides himself for years! Mr Dalek relaxed slightly, safe in the knowledge that there was no way that the Teletubby Daleks – if that's even what they were – could find him. He was getting worried over nothing.

* * *

There was a knock at the door.

Who was that? All of Adam's friends had left, and it was a few hours later, Mr Dalek had been spending the time in Adam's room, listening to Radio 1. He preferred Radio 1, since there was more music, and less voices in his head telling him to die than Radio 4. He had looked for Pinky, hoping to exterminate him to relieve some tension, but had found him nowhere. He had been 'relaxing' to the sounds of the latest chart hits, when the knock interrupted his aural suicide.

Mr Dalek trundled out to investigate, and peeked over the stairs. Adam walked down the hall, and opened the door.

There was nobody there.

Or at least, that's what it looked like to Adam. To Mr Dalek's highly trained ability to look downward, he could see something that made his heart sink. There were four toys, all different colours – one red, one blue, one orange and one yellow. They were very familiarly shaped. Could it be....?

The toys zipped in without Adam noticing, and he shut the door and stomped away, muttering. The toys – well, let's not beat around the bush. We all know they're Teletubby Daleks, right? Good. – The Teletubbies stalked their way around the hall, fanning out in a surveillance pattern. Even from the top of the stairs, the voice that Mr Dalek heard struck terror into his tentacles.

“Find Mr Dalek immediately, and have him exterminated for his inferiority!” grated the one that looked like the leader – the yellow one.

“We obey!” chanted the others in the same horrible tone. Do I sound like that? wondered Mr Dalek. Never mind that for now, he needed to find somewhere to hide. He rushed back into the room – but not before seeing the red Teletubby advance up the stairs – and practically bumped into Pinky, coming the other way.

“What's up, Mr Dalek?” asked Pinky.

“No time to explain; let's just say that some new old friends are coming to visit.”

Pinky blinked. “Do you mean that, upon accidentally condemning the Teletubbies to death on television, they swore their revenge and, in their dying moments, took a very quick scan of your body and created five Teletubby-Dalek hybrids, sending them to your location. However, in the rush of the scan, they didn't have enough time for all the details, and so ended up slightly exaggerated in their size. Their logic was that, psychologically, you would find it impossible to destroy one of your own kind, whereas the bloodthirsty Teletubby in them will have no such qualms about killing you. One of them is currently coming up the stairs and is about to kill you, and so you need to find somewhere to hide. Right?

Mr Dalek blinked (in as much as an eyestalk can blink), and said “You know, you really are cleverer than Brain gives you credit, Pinky. But you were wrong on one thing, I'll tell you that. There aren't five Teletubbies coming to kill me, there are only four.”

Pinky was no longer looking at Mr Dalek- he was now staring out the window. “Um....are you sure?”

“Positive, I counted them myself.”

Pinky raised a quivering finger toward the window. “Did you count that one?”

Mr Dalek turned around. There, outside the window, hovering serenely, but with a tangible air of menace around him, was one single Teletubby Dalek. It wasn't one of the ones Mr Dalek had seen earlier. This Teletubby was white, and instead of a plunger, had attached a battering ram to his body (budget cuts, eh?).

Then, ever so slowly, the Teletubby hovered back a few feet, and then sped toward the window. Mr Dalek stared, transfixed. Surely he wasn't going to...

SMASH!!

Glass shattered around the whole room. The white Teletubby floated in, and landed next to Mr Dalek.

“It is time, Mr Dalek,” the Teletubby rumbled. “Prepare to be exterminated!” He aimed his ray gun, and fired- straight at Mr Dalek.

Mr Dalek looked away and braced himself for the impact.

The impact never came.

What was taking so long? Mr Dalek risked a look back, to see -

Pinky lay there, on the floor. At the last moment he had jumped in front of the blast, which had killed him. Mr Dalek wondered why he had done this. He thought that Pinky hated him. He glided over.

“Pinky, are you alright?” Clearly not, thought Mr Dalek.

Pinky mumbled somethng almost incomprehensible, that sounded like “Stoopid backs”. What? Oh, never mind. Mr Dalek took the opportunity, and bolted out the door. There would be time for solving cryptic clues later on.

There was no sign of the Red Teletubby anywhere; perhaps it had gone downstairs again. Mr Dalek looked around for a place to hide. Aha, the bathroom, Mr Dalek thought, as he saw the door in front of him. Perfect. Mr Dalek sneaked through the gap in the door, and pushed it behind him. He turned around, and looked at the room before him.

For a moment he was stunned, but he recovered, and forced himself to check his visual output feeds, too see if what he was seeing really existed. Everything was working fine. So what the hell is this? Mr Dalek thought.

In front of him, he had been expecting to see a bath, a shower a toilet and a sink.

This was not what he saw.

What he saw was in fact a huge laboratory, seemingly bigger than the house. Test tubes bubbled, flasks boiled and machines whirred. Huge screens took up the walls, displaying all kinds of data. Above, cameras observed the whole scene with small, blinking lights. One huge display screen in the centre was telling the time - “11:53:56”. To Mr Dalek's right, a small sign lay on the floor. It said “ADAM'S SECRET LABORATORY, KEEP OUT.”

* * *

Mr Dalek wandered among the experiments being conducted. Why had he never seen this place before? And, more importantly, was there anything in here he could use to kill the Teletubbies? He searched high and low, but could see nothing.

But wait, what was that in the centre? On a pedestal, looking over the whole lab, stood a large control panel, with just one big, red button. A label hung off the side:

“BIG RED RESET BUTTON THAT MUST NEVER, EVER BE PRESSED OR IT WILL RESET US ALL BACK TO LATE 2010 TIME.”

A sign below it hung “UNDER CONSTRUCTION”

Hmm....

Mr Dalek's thoughts were broken by a sudden crash from the other side of the lab. The door burst open, and the five Teletubbies rolled in. They surrounded Mr Dalek, and looked upon him.

“Now, it is time.” amended the white Teletubby. “Now you will be exterminated! Exterminate!”

“Exterminate!” yelled all the other Teletubbies feverishly, “Exterminate!”

For about one second, Mr Dalek gave up. He understood that there was nothing he could do, and decided just to let these imposters destroy him.

Then, one second later, he realised what he'd just said.

“Imposters? Imposters?” Mr Dalek considered this for a second, then almost jumped with joy. Sort of.

“Okay, okay, so let me work this out,” he said. “You guys were created out of me, from my genetic imprint, right?”

The Teletubbies stood there looking at Mr Dalek, like good enemies do whilst the hero works out the plan.

“No, wait! Pinky said that it wasn't an exact copy, you exaggerated some of my features; that's why you're bigger than me! And oh, of course, that's why you killed Pinky. You could easily have aimed your laser bolt past him and hit me, but you didn't! You took my need to exterminate the toys and made it ten times stronger! “ The clock on the screen behind the Teletubbies read 11:58:57.

“Enough of your nonsensical theorizing, Mr Dalek,” boomed the Blue Teletubby. “The time has now come for you to die! Die!”

“Ha ha, I don't think so,” Mr Dalek's brain was working faster than it had ever worked before. “Because now I know who you are! You're me. And who knows my weaknesses better than me? And if there's one thing I hate, one thing that I really cannot stand...” the clock read 00:01:43 – there was a shadowy figure in the door “It's Scooby Snacks.”

With a THWIP! And a CLONK!, five Scooby Snacks frisbeed out of the air. Each of the landed on a Teletubby, who instantly started screaming in pain. Mr Dalek looked on impassively, and explained his plan to the readers:

“If a Scooby Snack gives me a mild allergy, I knew that because of your exaggerated nature it would absolutely destroy you. Pinky knew it too, that's what he said in his dying words. When it came to midnight, and a new day began, I knew all the toys would be restored – and he would come and find me.”

The shadowy figure stepped out the doorway. It was Pinky. As he walked over, the Teletubbies began to disintegrate.

“Help us, Mr Dalek.....” they cried as one.

“Not this time, Teletubbies. You're finally defeated.”

“We may be defeated,” croaked the white Teletubby, “but we are not all that is coming for you, Mr Dalek.”

Suddenly, everything disappeared. It was as if only Mr Dalek and the white Teletubby existed in a void of blackness, surrounding them both like a thick fog.

“There is more coming to kill you. You will never be safe. We were merely pawns in the hands of a greater evil. And when the end comes.....” The Teletubbies voice faded into nothing, as the last remnants of him disintegrated into nothing. Mr Dalek was aghast.

“When the end comes....what? What happens?” There was no answer. There was nothing. Then, out of the darkness, like an old friend, came a small, distant, strangely familiar song.....

I think I'm gonna be sad, I think it's today, yeah.....

The song burned his mind for an instant, then silence fell. Pinky was calling him, but he couldn't answer. He was frozen. Something in his brain registered with the song, and it frightened him. For the first time ever, Mr Dalek was scared.

Epilogue

“Adam,” Mr Dalek asked a few evenings later, as the sat on the sofa, “Why are you building a big reset button in your secret lab. Also, come to think of it, why do you have a secret lab?”

“Well,” Adam replied, “Where else is a Chief Scientist to do his work? And as for the button...I'm not quite sure. Maybe I've been getting the feeling that something bad is coming soon, or maybe I just built it because I might need it, or maybe it's because the darn writers keep tossing out random portents of danger, so why not be prepared? Anyway, I doubt we'll need it. It's just in case.”

Mr Dalek sat there, unconvinced. “Well, I hope we never need to use it. What could be so bad that we would need to reset all of time and space, hmm?”

The End.....?

No copyright infringement intended, Doctor Who and the Teletubbies are both copyright the BBC.
This piece of drivel was written by Patrick Lickman: www.twitter.com/patrickaureus