Star Trek

Humorous Fan Poetry

First Edition

by Karen Dunn

http://www.StaggeringStories.net/

This eBook is copyright 2011 Karen Dunn and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 licence (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/). Star Trek is the property of Paramount Pictures and Viacom. No copyright infringement is intended.

Star Trek: Captain Sisko and the Great DS9 Vampire Vole Hunt

Written by Karen Dunn

The bravest heroes in the land are Captain Sisko and his band
That's Major Kira and her vole, Worf and Dax - her slug and all
They sit by the wormhole singing songs,
That tell how they have righted wrongs.

Once Vampire Vole, a giant rat kept the station folk aback
In fear and trembling every night
In case he gave some-one a bite

Said Jadzia Dax, "we'll lie in wait
And one of us will be the bait."
Said Captain Sisko, "Have no fear for I alone will volunteer!"

"No, make it me" said Major K, "I haven't done a lot today.
If Vampire Vole should want me bled
I'll aim a phaser at his head!"

"A good idea" said Miles O'Brien, "We hide together, we'll be fine.
And when you've overcome resistance,
We'll rush along to your assistance!"

Said Macho Worf, "I have a plan. I'll fetch my Bat'leth when I can
I'll skewer the vole upon its tip
And hurl it through the window quick."

Said Dax, "But with the windows broken
The Air will go - we'll all be chokin'"
Macho Worf just scratched his head
"I hadn't thought of that" he said.

Said Dax, "The rest of us hold back. There's only one that he'll attack."
Said Miles O'Brien, "I like your plan!"
"Good luck" said Dax, "For you're the man!"

So Chief O'Brien, his brow a-sweating
Onto the Promenade went fretting.
Captain Sisko waved his hand, followed by his trusty band
That's Major Kira and her vole, Worf and Dax - her slug and all.

"Stop!" said Sisko, "I hear squeaking."
"It's Kira's vole, " said Worf, "He's speaking."
"It's all in Vole" said Jadzia Dax, "How do we decipher that?"

Said Major K, "I understand. My vole is Odo - ain't he grand?
He's saying that his eyes are fine
And Vampire Vole has caught O'Brien!"

"Quick men!" said Sisko, "no delay
We mustn't let him get away!"
And leaping off said, "Follow me!"
And fell headfirst down lift shaft 3.

Oh how they ran to save O'Brien
For they couldn't stomach Keiko crying
Led along by Kira's vole
As he squeaked directions through the hull

Then Vampire Vole's lair they spied
Were they too late, was he inside?
Said Major K, "I'll get a pole
And stop him going down his hole!"

Then into sight the vole came jogging
Right past his hole, no sign of stopping.
Said Jadzia Dax, "That's rather funny,
There's something swearing in his tummy."

Said Captain Sisko, "You're not lying
Vampire Vole has ate O'Brien!"
And as the rat swore out of sight
Off they chased into the night.

At last they found him, tired and dizzy
And pulled out Miles who said, "Where is he?
For left alone I wasn't brave
And crawled into a warm, damp cave."

Said Worf, "I have to tell you that
You crawled into that Vampire rat."
"That was brave of Miles" said Kira
And backed away as he stepped nearer

The bravest heroes in the land are Captain Sisko and his band
That's Major Kira and her vole, Worf and Dax - her slug and all.
They sit by the wormhole singing songs
That tell how they have righted wrongs.

(With sincere apologies and eternal thanks to Captain Beaky. Please don't sue me!!)

Star Trek: DS9 And The Terrifying Tale Of The Wormhole Worm

Written by Karen Dunn

There was a worm whose name was Bob

He had no family, had no job

Just hung around like worms will do

And watched the world go by.

The only difference was this worm

Had never been on terrafirm

But passed his days and nights up in

The wormhole in the sky.

He never harmed a soul did Bob

He wasn't like the other yobs

He never put on moody airs

He didn't feel he'd earned.

He had no time for talking deep

If people came he went to sleep

And sent the other worms away

Their invitations spurned.

Well one day Bob did up and stroll

He left the safety of the hole

He ventured out to take a look

At what there was outside.

And as the wormhole rolled and tumbled

Bob did find that he had stumbled

Out upon a station with

Some little folk inside.

Now, Bob he was a friendly soul

The nicest worm within the hole

And went on over to the craft

To say polite hellos.

And all at once the folk were yelling

Running round and round and telling

Bob to go away before

They phaser fried his nose.

Within the station all was panic

Humans - British and Hispanic -

Running round with Bajor's crowd

To try and find solutions.

And up in Ops our heroes battled

On the comm line Kai Winn prattled

Whining on and on about

This Prophet sent pollution.

Said Dax, "That worm will cause us trouble

We must scare it on the double.

Scare it with out mighty ship

And make it go away.

We have phasers, bright and pretty,

Wasting them would be a pity

Please ban that worm from lurking here

Before it spoils our day."

So Sisko took the ship, Defiant

And chased that worm

Though it was giant.

He chased that worm to Bajor

Then it chased him back again.

He shot at it with all his phasers

Bright and white

Like flying razors

Missed the worm completely

And hung his head in shame.

Said Kira, "You're no good at shooting

Let me stick Bajoran boot in.

Let me shoot that worm to bits

I promise not to boast."

And Dax, with freckles all a tingle

Said, "I think you'll find that thing'll

Dodge our phasers every time

Winding on its way sublime

I never really learned to rhyme

In this or any host."

And sure enough that worm evaded

Every single phaser traded

Winding on its lazy way

Towards the station then.

And Sisko on his mighty cruiser

Feeling like a last place loser

Turned and faced his enemy

And chased that worm again.

And though they laboured night and day

They could not chase that worm away.

It would not go

Refused to shift

And Sisko, looking rather miffed

Said, "Right, that's it, I've had enough

It's time we started getting tough.

We need some bigger phaser fire

Upon that worm to rain."

So once again aboard the station

Furrowed brow in concentration

Watched that worm upon the screen

And tried to judge its mood.

And when it turned and started winding

To the station

Creeping finding

Sisko in his wisdom said

"I don't think that looks good.

I hereby order every person

Before this situation worsens

Use every means you find at hand

To stop that worm from docking."

So one by one the crew did look

In every cranny, every nook

Illegal moves, threw out the book

(A move they found quite shocking.)

The winding worm then tried to dock

So Kira hit it with a sock.

She hit it with a yellow sock

All nice and clean and frilly.

Said Dax, "We need to do this right

Before that worm gives us a bite.

So put your sock upon your foot

And please stop being silly.

You really are not playing fair

When bringing out your underwear

That's really not the thing to do

Our efforts are refracted."

And Kira hung her head in shame

And promised not to err again

And failed once more to notice that

Poor Odo was distracted.

Said Dax, "The worm is going to bump us -

Either that, or try to hump us.

It must be blind

For we are round

Not long and thin and slimy

Quick, quick, please stop our shields from lagging

Before it gives out hull a shagging

We cleaned the windows just last week

And mustn't get them grimy.

Said Worf, "We could use our torpedoes…

Well known for dampening worm's libidos

Shoot them now

And soon that worm

Will no more want to chase us."

Said Kira, "That would do the trick

Just aim them at its far end, quick!"

And Worf did nod

Did grin and growl

Abandoning the phasers.

Said Worf, "Torpedoes are away!

They've hit the worm, hip hip hooray!"

And Dax did dance and wave her arms

And kiss him on the nose.

And bits of worm did fly akimbo

Tiny wiggly, all in limbo

Sisko frowned and wondered where

The bits they would dispose.

Then down to Quark's they all went running

Offering contracts

Waving money.

Begging down on bended knee

"Please take the bits away!"

And Quark did grin and say, "I'll do it!

Believe me, there is nothing to it.

I'll take those little bits of worm

As long as you all pay."

His business ventures did expand

His restaurant became quite grand

And Prophet Banished tube grubs

Was the dish he sold them all.

And people came from far and wide

In every ship that they could ride

To see the worm

To see it fried

And eat it from a bowl.

And as his spirit watched them eating

Mighty Bob did start a-bleating

Wishing time and time again

He'd never left his hole.

(Yeah, okay, so I was in an odd mood..!)

Star Trek: I do not like you, Captain Kirk

Written by Karen Dunn

I do not like you, Captain Kirk
For reasons from which I'll not shirk
Your charms, on me, will never work
I just don't like you, Captain Kirk.

You're not a patch on Captain P
His baldness does strange things to me
He sends me wobbly at the knee
I'm rather fond of Captain P.

I like young Sisko with the beard
He's far more handsome than I feared
He wines and dines whilst you just leered
I like young Sisko with his beard.

You're not as good as Janeaway
She's smarter than you any day
You try it on with her, you'll pay
She lifts a wicked knee they say.

I like the others Captain Jim
I like them fat, I like them thin
But something in you makes me grim
I just don't like you, Captain Jim.

I like your friends upon your ship
I dribble Spock's name from my lip
His slender eyebrows make me flip
I love his sexy Vulcan grip

I know you had a boyish smile
It worked on women all the while
You bent the rules with brains and guile
You made the Klingons run a mile

I've tried to like you, Captain Kirk
But nothing ever seems to work
I hate your style, despise your smirk
I do not like you, Captain Kirk.

(Thank you!)

Star Trek: What I saw on the Promenade by Lieutenant John Jones (Deputy)

Written by Karen Dunn

I'm standing outside Quark's today
On guard I'm told or so they say
I have to stay 'til everyone
Has left and gone away.

Our Odo doesn't trust this guy
He says unless I'm here he'll try
To rip off all the customers
For profit everyday.

Oh why I chose Security
Will always always puzzle me
I have no courage in my soul
I never like to fight.

I remember when some Klingons tried
To strangle Quark and eat him fried
I stayed aloof and dignified
And ran away in fright.

I do not like it here, you see
Quark's ears and teeth they frighten me
I do not like the way he tries
To con me of my pay.

He leads me over to the wheels
Where chests on legs cry out with squeals
That if I'm very nice to them
They'll make my lucky day.

I shake my head and turn away
I will not risk my cash today
I will not leave my watching post
I simply am not brave.

I'm meant to watch the walks and halls
If Odo sees, he'll have my balls
And bust me down to Ensign
With a cheery Changeling wave.

So here I stand and watch the crowd
Bajorans can be rather loud
I wish to be on Betazed
Where no-one says a word.

Where no-one shoves and no-one shouts
And gods don't poke their noses out
Where Odo has a wife on hand
At least that's what I heard.

Now Dax trots up with grapes and stands
And throws them singly from her hands
And looks and giggles when they land
Upon poor Odo's head.

And Odo turns round with a growl
Sees Dax a-laughing and he scowls
And shouting, "I'll become an hawk"
Becomes a owl instead.

She flees along the Promenade
With Odo gaining by the yard
She bumps right into Sisko and
She sits upon the floor.

And Odo tells what she has done
And Dax proclaims, "It's all in fun!"
But Sisko says, "Arrest her, son!"
And boots her through the door.

Then Kira leaves the holosuite
Soaking wet from head to feet
Approached the bar and took a seat
Says, "Where the hell's that Trill!?"

And Quark does serve her Vulcan wine
Says, "Dax is locked up doing time
You want to maim her, get in line.
Hey! Come back! Pay your bill!"

She throws him money with a glare
Then runs right past me to the stairs
I wonder whether it is fair
To warn Dax of her plight.

But Odo's made it very clear
I mustn't move a step from here
And should I wander off or veer
He'll leave me here all night.

So leaning out across the rail
I look to see who will prevail
And hear a scream go off the scale
From deep in Odo's place.

Then Kira runs out of the door
And Dax does follow, looking sore
A holochip inserted in
A very private place.

Then Sisko follows at a run
The Captain he has all the fun
Whilst I just stand here feeling glum
And watching life go by.

And as they leave the noise it drops
I wonder who is up in Ops
Protecting us from enemies
Should any happen by.

And then I see the wromhole open
Start to wish I hadn't spoken
As 50 Vorta fighters
Come a-streaming through the rip.

Despite my job I am no fool
I run to Quark's and break my rule
I grab my favourite Dabo girl
And head off for a ship.

And as invaders swamp the halls
I find myself ignoring calls
To take up arms and man my post
Be brave and true as well.

I take the girlie by the arm
Intent on keeping her from harm
And when we hit the docking ring
We run like bloody hell.

The End

Star Trek: A Starfleet Christmas

Written by Karen Dunn

'Twas Christmas time in Starfleet land
The tinsel stuff looked rather grand
The festive balls were sparkling
And the crackers needed pulling.

Out back were bays for shuttlecraft
For starships, sensible and daft,
With stalls for reindeer kept in aft
And pens to put the bull in.

Their host was Quark, his ears a-tingle
Watching as his guests did mingle
Next Gen crew and Station staff
Ganged up on Kirk and Co.

When Janeaway and all her gang
Gave party time that certain bang
And Spock did raise an eyebrow up
And mutter, "Thrice times ho."

"There is no logic in this beard
And bright red shirts are to be feared
I am not jolly or rotund
I cannot fill your stockings."

But Dax did grin and grasp his ear
Said, "Spock, my sweet, come over here"
And whispered words that Vulcan's son
Found curiously shocking.

Behind them Worf did glare and growl
Imagined ways to disembowel
When Torres slunk past on the prowl
And got his senses raring.

And Paris darted past with drinks
Said, "Come on, love, this party stinks
Let's find a cosy cubby hole...
Alone, Worf, I'm not sharing."

Frustrated Klingon hit the booze
Sang songs on tables to amuse
Saw Troi and Riker chatting
And grabbed mistletoe and more.

Said, "Sorry if this seems offhand
But frankly Sir I think you're grand"
Kissed Riker's startled nose and
Passed out cleanly on the floor.

By now the party fun was flowing
McCoy brought booze to keep things going
Challenged all around him
To a game of "down in one".

An hour past and eyes were glazed
And Bones slurred, "God, I'm quite amazed
My whiskey hasn't got you fazed"
Said Data, "That was fun."

"My android system likes this game
My joints will never be the same"
And Bones did growl, "God dammit
I'm a doctor, not a sponge!"

"I didn't know that you're not human
God in heaven boy, I'm fumin'"
Dropped his glass in anger
And across the table lunged.

Kirk and Jean Luc sat and chattered
Watched as android got quite battered
Didn't try to help because
They wondered who would conquer.

And Kirk did laugh and sneer and brag
And Jean Luc said, "Your doctor's bad
But mine is pretty, not a hag
And you don't get to bonk her."

Scotty finally worked up nerve
And offered Crusher an hoeure d'oeve
And asked her for another dance
And twirled her on the floor

And Bev did gulp the starter down
And flourish past him in her gown
Said, "Sorry Scott I'm feeling down"
And bolted for the door.

As Wesley watched his Mom run past
He drained the whiskey from his glass
And tried to put the moves upon
Some woman from the station

And Sisko laughed with Janeaway
They'd shared a joke, what can I say
But found his gaze kept straying
To Uhuru in frustration.

While in the corner Kira turned
And jumped and yelped like she'd been burned
And dropped her glass of wine and then
Smacked Wesley on the nose.

Said, "Touch my butt again, you die"
And smacked him once more in the eye
Picked up a nearby chocolate pie
And wiped it down his clothes.

And finally the worst occurred
Quark shouted loud so all had heard
"The alcohol has gone and all
The nibbles have been downed."

"But should you feel a certain need
To stay and clean up, please feel free"
They left the bar at record speed
And Quark just stood and frowned.

Twas Christmas time in Starfleet land
The tinsel stuff looked rather grand
The festive balls had shattered
And the floor with glass was riddled

Outside the starships pulled away
And Sisko, Kirk and Janeaway
Saw Jean Luc cuffed and hauled away
For flying while he's piddled.

The End

Star Trek: Vulcan's Lament

Written by Karen Dunn

(For those of you who grew up in England in the late seventies/early eighties, this goes quite well to the tune of "I'm Only A Poor Little Sparrow" - please don't tell anyone I know that!)

I'm only a poor little Vulcan
I'm not very good at my trade
My logic is weak
I don't like to speak
My neck pinch is weak, I'm afraid

I thought if I joined up with Starfleet
They'd help me to conquer my fears
But the Academy's glum
I'm missing my mum
And the other boys laugh at my ears.

Last week I went AWOL on Risa
I pick up from ships as they dock
To save on the quarrels
At my lack of morals
I tell all who ask my name's Spock.